Don't Think I Don't Think About It
Title: Don't Think I Don't Think About It
Pairing: Logan/Hannah, Logan/Veronica
Summary: Hannah attends a Hearst Christmas party just one year after she left Neptune. While she's there, she runs into Logan and Veronica, who she tries her best to ignore. But no matter how hard she tries, some things just can't be left in the bag for too long.
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special..."
The heartfelt melody of ‘Last Christmas’ played softly in the background, the irony of the message not lost on Hannah. She still didn’t know what she was doing here. She knew she was here supporting Parker, one of her friends, but she didn’t know why she agreed to come here, to this place where she had so many skeletons hidden inside one giant closet. Not only that, but she didn’t know anyone in the room. She hadn’t been here for a year, and had to return to Vermont by the end of the weekend so really, there was no use for her to even try.
This place wasn’t meant for her, not anymore.
And the quicker she realized it the quicker she would start feeling better. As she looked around the room she saw people that were so happy, so light, so…free. And where was she? Forced to live in a boarding school in Vermont, locked away from everyone and anyone that meant something to her. It wasn’t fair. She shook off her thoughts. This wasn’t the time, or the place to think them.
A clinking of glass was heard around the room and everyone turned to look at Parker, who was now positioned on the stage. She looked beautiful, as did everyone else attending the party. They were all wearing lavish dresses with their hair up and jewelry, making Hannah feel even more out of place. Did anyone even know who she was? When they stared at her, was it because they heard about her or because she looked nice? Somehow she doubted the latter, but if it wasn’t that then it would mean everyone knew about her. Would somebody say something to her? Oh God. Suddenly, the room felt very small.
“Thank you all for coming tonight,” Parker said, her chipper voice filling out the banquet hall. “I can proudly say the turnout was much better than last year.”
A few chuckles were heard. Hannah kept her eyes trained to the stage and nothing else.
“But in all seriousness, this charity is a tradition here at Hearst College, and none of you ever disappoint. This is the giving back for everyone in this room. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the night! You deserve it!”
A burst of applause broke out in the room, making Parker’s smile grow. Hannah smiled at how motivational of a speaker Parker seemed to be, and how she really got the crowd’s attention. After the applause died down a little bit, Parker walked off the stage and headed straight towards Hannah.
“Hannah!” She exclaimed. “You came!”
“I wouldn’t miss it, Parker.”
“Well I’m glad because you have got to meet some of my friends.”
Hannah smiled genuinely. “I can’t wait.”
Parker then walked away, leaving Hannah to stare at the people and come to the conclusion she should mingle. She saw a guy standing alone in a corner, much like she was right now and slowly glided over to him. She hadn’t had a relationship since him, and she can’t say she’s disappointed. She was over Logan, or at least she told herself that because she knew she would never get any sense of closure, but even so she didn’t feel like she needed a boyfriend. In the short year that she moved to Vermont, she had grown up. She wasn’t that small naïve girl anymore who thought the world didn’t have any evil in it, she had learned. Although, her innocence, ironically, was still in tact. Out of all the things she took away from her experience with him and her father, her innocence was never one to be reckoned with. This was partly because she still very much believed in the celebrated happy ending.
The winter made it harder to believe though, as it was the time when all of this happened. She could bear the other seasons by distracting herself and doing other activities, but the winter always made it so damn hard to stop thinking about it, about him. And it was at these times that she wished for the sun to come and allow her to stop hurting. All she wanted was to just stop hurting.
“Hi,” She said to the standing man who just looked and her and sipped his punch. She ignored it. “So, it’s really crowded in here, isn’t it?”
The man slowly turned to her. “Yes well, a lot of people are very involved with the school.”
He was wearing a crisp black tuxedo; his hair slicked back with some kind of gel, and was smelling of some kind of expensive cologne. Hannah had dealt with uninterested guys before, and this was no different, especially since the only reason she was even talking to him was to look as if she wasn’t a complete outsider. But the way this guy was looking at her, like she was a nuisance, made her feel uncomfortable.
Hannah, despite her shyness, worked really hard to talk to people. And most of the time people were very nice to her, but this guy just wasn’t having it.
She nodded slowly and smiled, trying to soften the conversation. Since it wasn’t going anywhere and Hannah knew it, she started to glide away again, hoping she could find Parker and tell her she was leaving early. She could feel the man’s stare as she walked away but kept going. She was really just not meant for this party.
She walked over to the punch table, which was located on the side of the room, away from the tables and the dance floor. Hannah looked around for the exits. There was one next to stage, and the other one was both the grand entrance and exit. Considering there were only two, she was going to have to choose wisely. Figuring nobody knew her here besides Parker, she went for the grand exit. She started walking towards it, gripping the handle as she slowly opened the door. She could call Parker from outside and tell her she wasn’t feeling well and that she was going to head home. It would be so simple, so easy, so…what she wanted to do. Nevertheless, Hannah stayed put. Parker was counting on her to be here for her, this was her event and she planned everything. All Hannah had to do was stand there and look interested. She could do this.
She took a deep breath and shut the door. Suddenly, she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was Parker.
“Hannah! I have been looking all over for you. This place is crazy.” Parker exclaimed.
Hannah nodded. “Everything is beautiful Parker, you did an amazing job.”
“Yeah well everything should look good; I spent a month planning this thing from the smallest details to the biggest ones.” She looked over her shoulder at a couple with their backs turned and waved them over. “These are the people I want you to meet.”
Hannah smiled and willed her shyness to go away. It was just a few people, no big deal, and Parker was here, and nobody else knew her, and… All of her thoughts went away as soon as she saw who the couple Parker waved over was.
“Logan,” She whispered, and Parker looked at her.
“Do you know him?”
As they approached, Logan had his head down; still unaware that Hannah was standing before him. Veronica saw though, and Hannah could have sworn she saw a flicker of terror cross her small face. Hannah stared back, surprised. She and Veronica had never talked, but they shared one big piece of history (or present, as it looks like they are together), that history being Logan Echolls.
Logan slowly looked up from the floor, a smile plastered on his supercilious face. He had on a black tuxedo, similar to the man’s she saw earlier, except his fit him well. His hair was only combed, it didn’t have all that unnecessary gel that all the guys used, not that he ever needed it. The only thing that stayed the same, the only thing that provoked the same emotions out of her, were his eyes.
They were still icy blue and could pierce you with one look if he was trying to tell you something. This was the case when he looked up and his eyes met hers. His widened noticeably, but quickly recovered and returned to normal, taking all of her in. Hannah, who dropped her gaze as soon as he saw who was standing in front of him, now felt uncomfortable because of all the scrutiny. An awkward silence fell on the four until Parker noticed and started talking.
“Veronica, Logan, thanks so much for coming.” Parker said.
“Well you know us; we just can’t help ourselves with these charities. What’s the one were attending next week, Logan? The ‘Don’t Dislike, Buy a Bike!’?
Logan snapped out of his stare on Hannah and tuned back into the conversation. “Uh, yeah.”
Veronica leaned in towards Parker. “It was a joke.”
“I figured,” Parker said, and then turned to Hannah. “Guys, this is who I wanted you to meet. This is my good friend Hannah Griffith. Hannah, this is Logan and Veronica.”
Hannah looked up from her feet and stared at both at them. What was she going to say? They were friends? That would be a lie. Acquaintances? No. What were they anyways? And would they even acknowledge that they knew each other?
“We’ve met before,” Hannah found herself saying as she shook both of their hands.
Parker looked at her in surprise. “Really? Where?”
“It’s a long story,” Veronica chimed in, giving Hannah a look. “We’ll have to tell you another time.”
Parker nodded. “Right. Well I hope you guys are having a good time.”
Hannah couldn’t breathe. Logan once again trained his eyes on her, no doubt waiting for her to meet his eyes. She wouldn’t. Hannah stared at Veronica who was staring at Logan, surely trying to read what he was feeling. It all just suddenly became too much for Hannah, and she had to get some air.
“Parker I-“Hannah began but was cut off when the man she was talking to before came up to her.
“Hi,” He greeted. Hannah looked at him confusedly, but decided to go for it for the sake of leaving this horrible, horrible incident.
“Hi.”
“Look, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted before, I was a jerk, and I’m sorry.”
Hannah for the first time looked directly at Logan. He was instantly irate, and Hannah couldn’t think to find out why.
“And I was just wondering…would you like to dance? With me, that is.”
She looked back at the man whose name she didn’t even know and without missing a beat replied, “Yes.”
The man smiled and extended his hand to her. Taking one last look at Logan, who was now clenching his fist and hiding it behind his back; she let this strange man lead her to the dance floor.
-
“I don’t even know your name.” Hannah said as they swayed to the music.
His arms were wrapped around her lower waist while hers snaked around his neck. She kept a considerable distance between them, because she didn’t know him and didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. They had been dancing in silence for a couple of minutes now, and Hannah felt compelled to strike up a conversation.
“It’s Mark,” He told her.
“I’m Hannah.”
“I know.”
She looked at him strangely. “How?”
“I heard your friend say it as I was walking towards you.”
“Oh, of course.” She said and giggled slightly.
They danced for a little while longer, and Hannah knew the only reason she did was to stay away from Logan and Veronica, and now even Parker. The last thing she wanted to do was to get caught in another awkward conversation with Veronica staring at her like she was her biggest enemy. It still didn’t make any sense. What could Hannah have on Veronica? Even when she and Logan were going out she knew about their past, was even told some of it by Logan. It was blatantly obvious that he loved her, so why was her coming back such a big deal?
Besides, Hannah still wasn’t completely sure how she felt about Logan. Even though it happened a year ago, she found herself thinking over everything while in Vermont. He treated her horribly, ignoring her in front of his friends, claiming he was “protecting” her from them. At the time, she didn’t even know who “they” were. She just went along with it because he was Logan Echolls, notorious bad boy who decided to take a chance on her. Little did she know, she was the one who took a chance on him. She could still feel the hurt she felt when she found out he had used her to get back at his dad and clear his record. At first she couldn’t believe it, not when she had defended him in front of her mother, claiming that she “knew” him and that he was truly good inside. But she learned fast.
The forgiveness was the hardest part. She said yes so quickly that nothing further was discussed. She still doesn’t regret forgiving him easily, as at the time it was easier to be with him than without. Now though, now she wondered if she ever had any affect on him afterwards. Was he sad when she was taken away? Or did he move onto Veronica soon after? That day was the scariest day she’d ever experienced in her life. Her dad dragged her all the way to their house where he pulled out all the suitcases they owned and made her pack. She never saw, nor heard from Logan again. No calls, no visits, no letters, not anything. She had no idea what he was doing, what he was like, if he was still alive, nothing…until tonight. At the time she tried not to dwell on it, because she had other things to face, but even to this day Hannah was haunted by the fact that Logan never tried.
In one swift thought, reality became so clear. Logan Echolls, the Logan she thought she knew so well before was now standing in this room, with her. The thought was too much to bear and she struggled to keep her composure.
“You know,” She told Mark, “I think I need some air.”
They stopped dancing but Mark kept his hands on her waist.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just need some air. I’ll be right back, okay?”
She didn’t even wait for his answer, just rushed out of the room. She took the other exit this time, the one that was situated beside the stage, and was relieved when the cold air hit her face. She could breathe again.
It had started to snow, making Hannah regret she didn’t take a jacket. It felt good to be out here, to clear her head. It seemed like such a long time since she had been able to do so. In Vermont, school was basic, and the people she met were nice, but not like the ones here; they didn’t mean anything. And she would return there soon, return back to the empty life that she currently had. Tears threatened to fall, and she closed her eyes.
She heard the door open, but didn’t bother to turn around. God, she just wanted some air.
Whoever the person was stayed silent, making Hannah very aware of where she was. She immediately knew who was there, could feel the tension between them pushing against her back. She turned around and saw Logan Echolls leaning against the building, and she wasn’t in the least bit surprised.
He looked horrible, his face drooped in a sad expression, much like how he looked as she was being lugged away by her dad. It made her almost angry. He didn’t have any right to look sad, not after all this time, and certainly not after he let them go. The more rational voice in her mind told her that he couldn’t have saved them anyway, couldn’t have gone all the way to Vermont to rescue her because this is real life. It wasn’t like in the movies where the guy travels all around the world just to find the girl; in this world, you let things go, and you move on, which was just what Logan did. So could she really fault him for doing something he had to do eventually?
“Hiding from Mr. Sorry?” he asked in his annoying, haughty tone of voice.
Hannah turned around. “Excuse me?” She said softly.
“I would too if I were you. It looked like he was getting a little bit too comfortable during that dance.”
“You have no right to be jealous, Logan.”
“I know.”
He kicked himself off of the wall and began walking towards her. She involuntarily took a step back. She flashbacked to when they were both standing in that damned science lab when he wouldn’t leave her alone, constantly trying to grab her, hold her close, all the while he was affirming his suspicions about her dad. She didn’t let him touch her that time, and she wasn’t about to start now.
“How’ve you been?” she asked, doing anything to avoid the topic that was undoubtedly about to come out of his mouth.
He was momentarily startled at her response, but slowly snapped back. “Fine. I’ve been fine. How about you?”
“Good.” She said, and then wrapped her arms around her waist, giving into the freezing cold. The snow kept hitting her face, not helping the lack of coat situation she was in, but she tried to stand it anyway.
“Here,” He told her, noticing her shivering, “Take my coat, it’s freezing out here.”
“Oh, it’s okay…” She started but was cut off.
“Hannah,” He said softly, “Just take the coat. Please.”
She nodded and he took off his coat, heading towards her with it. He looped one sleeve through her arm, his hand brushing her shoulder, and then did the other.
As soon as it was wrapped around her shoulders she felt like crying. The jacket smelled like him, and made her remember the warmth she hadn’t had for months. It reminded her of the way things used to be, and how they were now. He was with Veronica and probably always would be, with their relationship pushed far into the background.
Logan hadn’t stepped back from where he helped her with his jacket, and Hannah was beginning to lean into him.
“Hannah I-“ He began but Hannah looked down.
“Logan don’t.”
“Hannah, we need to talk. God, we need to talk for hours considering all that we’ve been through but since we only have a measly few minutes before people start wondering where we are, we need to talk about this now.”
Hannah’s head snapped up and she looked at him attentively. “Talk about what Logan? I’m already in Vermont, you’re with Veronica…there’s really nothing more to talk about.”
“I’m sorry.” He said. “I’m sorry for everything. I was so screwed up last year that I didn’t realize what I was doing and the effect it would have.”
“On me.” She concluded.
“And me,” He said harshly. “Hannah I was a wreck after you left. I never left my room and couldn’t sleep. The only thing I did was drink and order room service. Nothing was the same after you were gone.”
A part of her was slowly closing up after hearing it. It always felt good to be told you were missed, but the fact that it was coming from him was so much more for Hannah. Even so, she still wondered why he never went after her.
“I guess you weren’t that upset, considering you latched onto Veronica pretty quick.”
“What was I supposed to do Hannah? You were gone, and I thought I was never going to see you again. If someone had told me you would be here tonight, I wouldn’t have believed it.”
“Did you have any feelings for me at all?”
“God Hannah, of course.” He snapped, “I thought I made that clear when I saw you despite the fact it would mean breaking the deal with your father about my trial.”
“Then why didn’t you just-“ She blurted out and then shook her head. “Nothing.”
Logan took a step closer to her. “What?”
She looked up into his eyes, those eyes that made her knees weak and her mind go blank. She was afraid to confront him, afraid to ask him why he never tried to reach her, never even tried to look up what school she was at. Mostly though, she was afraid because of the answer she would get.
He managed to scoot even closer to her, if it was even possible. It felt so good to have him here, to have him in front of her, a shield to the outside world, and a wall to keep her inside. She missed him; always had.
“Hannah, what?”
“Then why didn’t you come looking for me?”
Her voice cracked slightly at the end and Logan looked at her like he was just punched in the gut.
“I mean,” She clarified. “You seemed to be well enough to jump into a relationship with somebody else only months after we were over. If I meant something to you, I just figured you would have tried something to see me again. But you didn’t. And I don’t blame you for it Logan, I really don’t. I just… wondered about it all this time.”
He put one hand to her cheek and stared into her eyes, the vulnerability he only felt for her shining through. She fought hard to keep her eyes somewhere else but his were just too intense to look away.
“I thought we would be in more trouble if I tried.” He murmured. “I didn’t want them to hurt you.”
She closed her eyes. She was in too deep now, and didn’t know how to shovel herself out.
“And then you moved onto Veronica.”
“It’s not that simple,” He sighed.
“I know.”
Silence filled the air, despite the thousand of snowflakes that swirled around them. There was still so much to say but no use to say it. Things were different now, and that was the end.
“If only thing’s were different,” Logan said, breaking the hush, “Maybe we would be different.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like maybe, maybe we would have worked out somewhere else.”
“The only place we would have worked out would be in a different world.” Hannah smiled, and Logan returned it.
“It doesn’t sound so bad.”
They were still only inches apart, with their bodies slightly pressed up against one another.
“Not at all.” Hannah said.
Logan leaned forward, not entirely sure of what he was doing but doing it anyway. Just as he did though, the door whisked open, revealing a devastated Veronica. Logan stepped back from Hannah slightly, and turned around.
“Logan, we should leave if we want to get an early start tomorrow.” She told him, casting a glance at Hannah, who just stood there, still wrapped up in Logan’s jacket.
She just stared for a second, and then went to Logan.
“You’re right,” He told her and gave her a tiny smile. He turned back to Hannah, his expression once again solemn.
Hannah felt ashamed as she slid off Logan’s jacket and handed it back to him. He kept trying to catch her eye again, and this time Hannah didn’t shy away. He then turned around and began walking towards the door where Veronica stood. Before he reached it though, he spun back around and gave her one final look, almost as if pleading to do something, anything to give him a sign they weren’t finished, but Hannah did nothing. She just kept on staring, the whole night finally taking a toll on her. He turned around once he saw she wasn’t going to say anything and followed Veronica inside.
As the door shut, Hannah came to the conclusion that her relationships and the winter didn’t mix. She shivered in the cold and rubbed her arms up and down to get some warmth. It didn’t work; it would never work.
But she went back inside anyways, knowing that even if she and Logan couldn’t be together, he would always be a part of her.
No matter what season it was.