Finding the middle ground
I can't stand ambiguity. It dances around in my head until eventually all that anxiety and nagging drowns out all logical thought.
And that's where I was yesterday during the day. Him and I had talked about things a little bit, but were still very unclear.
We talked more last night, and at least he's just as confused as I am. Neither of us wants a relationship, but neither of us wants just a fuckbuddy, we're equally attracted to eachother, but we live together, so ........ ?
And I wondered how you find that middle ground in a situation where you live together. I don't think it's impossible, but it's going to have to be a natural progression. We're both baffled by what to do at this point... but now that I've slept on it, I think that's because there's nothing to do.
Now when we sit next to eachother, I notice myself sitting closer and leaning into him more. Our legs and arms make more contact than before, because that's what feels natural.
It's a small thing, but not insignificant. It reminds me about the approach we're going to have to take. We're still getting to know eachother, so what does it matter at this point what we even call it? As long as we recognize eachother's feelings, keep an open dialogue, and set boundaries with eachother, time spent together getting to know eachother is still just that. The only difference between a close friendship and a relationship is physical.
And I could lean over and kiss him tonight. But just as now I lean in and sit close because it feels like the most natural thing to do. I figure if we're going to have that level of connection, it should be for the same reason.
I realized yesterday that I'm worlds better at dealing in a healthy way with my depression, anxiety and stress than I am with my happiness.