I'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin
HI! Yeah, so I'm still alive. There are really a lot of more important
things I could be doing right now...but I've been staying up really
late and getting up really early and thinking way too much for my own
good and God knows I need to update this thing. I have no idea what
time it is. I guess its really 2:23am. Whatev...
I haven't really been near my computer for a while or my room, or any of my stuff. Which I don't really care about. I miss the imac and thats about it. Damn, I hate windows. I'm sure its feeling rejected. I've basically been "living" with Rodney for the past 2 weeks. I sort of feel like Tripp, carrying all my shit around in my car. Its sort of interesting and the days seem to pass so much quicker when i'm not constantly on campus. I sort of feel like I'm fast forwarding all the time. I'm probably the only one who understands what that means. Its deadline to deadline. My entire concept of time has just been shot. It seems like decades since last semester. It feels like January lasted for about a year and then since the beginning of this new situation everything seems as if everything is going by really fast but that within it going by fast, more time as passed. I have no idea what is going on. I repeat myself a lot. Sorry. I signed up for classes and a summer class, which i may or may not drop. I figure i have a while to think about it. I need a fucking place to live. IF YOU KNOW OF ANYWHERE I CAN LIVE LET ME KNOW! I also need to get my direct deposit switched to my new account and figure out what i'm going to do about barnes and noble. I don't really want to leave crabtree b/c I like everyone there. And i like how everyone is just so fucked up that they name the cash register thats on life support Terry. I'm sure it will have a new sticky note on it tomorrow that says "John Paul." Wow. Hell on a rocket ship. haha. And I really love raleigh and I love everyone here. But maybe there comes a point when I need to grow up, I need to figure this out on my own.
You know I wonder about my dependence. I question myself and my motives for the things I do. If I continually set myself up for the same things...but I'm a big believer in that everything happens for a reason and that eventually everything will work itself out. Which i guess is my excuse. haha.
This is just going to be long so guess you'll have to deal with it.
I've been really concerned about how I'm perceived lately. I really want to be smart and sometimes I don't think that it really matters if i really am or not b/c I say a lot of stupid shit. It really bothers me. I also think that I should cut my hair, or something. I'm sick of looking 16. No one takes me seriously and if this whole fashion design thing works out I need to have as much authority as I possibly can. Welcome to the most shallow industry you can be involved in. I want to feel on par with the people I'm hanging out with. I always feel like its "hey here's 5 college kids and someone's little sister." I keep comparing myself to every girl I see. Which is stupid. I wish my hair was like that, I wish my skin was that color, i wish I could fill out that shirt, I wish I could wear a miniskirt. GOddammit. Its like I'm 5 years ahead of my body. I'm 21, i want to feel 21. I guess this is a really trite thing to be concerned with. Its awful really. Because this is my tragic flaw. It pisses me off. B/c I really would like to see myself as normal or fine the way i am or beautiful, but I just can't. And I think eventually people close to me see begin to see it as a lost cause. This isn't really as eloquent as I'd like it to be and so I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. I think that even if everyone in the world told me i was the best thing ever I still wouldn't believe them. And it just makes me mad at myself for being so screwed up. I'd just like to be comfortable with myself. I'd like to not constantly doubt myself. I'd like to feel good enough and deserving. And sometimes I do and sometimes I think that a lot of people could probably do a lot better. Its also stupid how i make drama when it is really unnecesary. Drama with myself. I'd take that fucking medicine if it would help, if it would let me be as happy as I can be, if it wouldn't dull everything
I think i'm just stuck down in this place for awhile. I'd rather it not be that way. BLEH I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. Sewing and excel bullshit which means that I really need to go to bed b/c I really have to get all of that done.
I haven't really been near my computer for a while or my room, or any of my stuff. Which I don't really care about. I miss the imac and thats about it. Damn, I hate windows. I'm sure its feeling rejected. I've basically been "living" with Rodney for the past 2 weeks. I sort of feel like Tripp, carrying all my shit around in my car. Its sort of interesting and the days seem to pass so much quicker when i'm not constantly on campus. I sort of feel like I'm fast forwarding all the time. I'm probably the only one who understands what that means. Its deadline to deadline. My entire concept of time has just been shot. It seems like decades since last semester. It feels like January lasted for about a year and then since the beginning of this new situation everything seems as if everything is going by really fast but that within it going by fast, more time as passed. I have no idea what is going on. I repeat myself a lot. Sorry. I signed up for classes and a summer class, which i may or may not drop. I figure i have a while to think about it. I need a fucking place to live. IF YOU KNOW OF ANYWHERE I CAN LIVE LET ME KNOW! I also need to get my direct deposit switched to my new account and figure out what i'm going to do about barnes and noble. I don't really want to leave crabtree b/c I like everyone there. And i like how everyone is just so fucked up that they name the cash register thats on life support Terry. I'm sure it will have a new sticky note on it tomorrow that says "John Paul." Wow. Hell on a rocket ship. haha. And I really love raleigh and I love everyone here. But maybe there comes a point when I need to grow up, I need to figure this out on my own.
You know I wonder about my dependence. I question myself and my motives for the things I do. If I continually set myself up for the same things...but I'm a big believer in that everything happens for a reason and that eventually everything will work itself out. Which i guess is my excuse. haha.
This is just going to be long so guess you'll have to deal with it.
I've been really concerned about how I'm perceived lately. I really want to be smart and sometimes I don't think that it really matters if i really am or not b/c I say a lot of stupid shit. It really bothers me. I also think that I should cut my hair, or something. I'm sick of looking 16. No one takes me seriously and if this whole fashion design thing works out I need to have as much authority as I possibly can. Welcome to the most shallow industry you can be involved in. I want to feel on par with the people I'm hanging out with. I always feel like its "hey here's 5 college kids and someone's little sister." I keep comparing myself to every girl I see. Which is stupid. I wish my hair was like that, I wish my skin was that color, i wish I could fill out that shirt, I wish I could wear a miniskirt. GOddammit. Its like I'm 5 years ahead of my body. I'm 21, i want to feel 21. I guess this is a really trite thing to be concerned with. Its awful really. Because this is my tragic flaw. It pisses me off. B/c I really would like to see myself as normal or fine the way i am or beautiful, but I just can't. And I think eventually people close to me see begin to see it as a lost cause. This isn't really as eloquent as I'd like it to be and so I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. I think that even if everyone in the world told me i was the best thing ever I still wouldn't believe them. And it just makes me mad at myself for being so screwed up. I'd just like to be comfortable with myself. I'd like to not constantly doubt myself. I'd like to feel good enough and deserving. And sometimes I do and sometimes I think that a lot of people could probably do a lot better. Its also stupid how i make drama when it is really unnecesary. Drama with myself. I'd take that fucking medicine if it would help, if it would let me be as happy as I can be, if it wouldn't dull everything
I think i'm just stuck down in this place for awhile. I'd rather it not be that way. BLEH I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. Sewing and excel bullshit which means that I really need to go to bed b/c I really have to get all of that done.