Not so much as a kiss did i give you.
For Jason Reynolds, because i owe you
i can remember the first time i saw you. i was walking home from work, cutting through the parking lot, and you were walking straight towards me with Kilo, when he was just a puppy. i kept my eyes to the ground and counted my steps as i walked past you. all the way up to 37, and i looked back. just then, you were turned back looking at me, and we both laughed, embarassed. i knew it then - something important was happening.
after that, i saw you nearly every day. you and your friends played football outside my apartment, even though you lived on the other side of the Club. late, late at night, when i'd sit outside to write and clear out my head, you'd walk Kilo over and we'd take turns chasing him around the pool. pretty soon i was outside just to see you, not even bringing my journal along. we'd smile shyly, never exchanging words. the silence between us was so comforting.
Until the day you found out i was married.
you couldn't believe it. came right up to me, in disbelief. i had no words to offer that look in your eyes, in my chest, such disappointment. as if some magical spell had been broken. we still had our nightly meetings. our quiet conversations, getting to know each other, but it was almost as if we were taking a mental inventory: of the things we could know, and the things we'd never get close enough to share.
the night i told you there would never be anything more than conversation between us, i felt the clenching in your jaw. the way you took my words and chewed them slowly, then walked away for a year.
when i came back from texas, it felt so good to be near your warmth. things were such a mess in my marriage, and i knew, in your silence, i would be safe. for awhile. we had such a nice week, spending every night talking and laughing, as if i had never moved. as if i'd never crushed your heart. that night before i flew home, we went to your apartment. you gave me those pictures and said, 'so you have something to remember me by.' neither of us thought we'd see each other again. i felt a hole open up inside me. did you?
it's funny how life flows. or not so funny, depending on what side of the mirror you're on.
i had you in my bed, that balmy night last summer. i laid against you unable to breathe, let alone sleep. the noise in my head so deafening. i wanted you. i wanted to erase my disasterous marriage, erase everything, until it was just you and i lying in my bed, with nothing to complicate our bliss. but there's always complications. and i couldn't get over mine that night. and i'm sorry - i really, truly am, that i lead you on into thinking something could be, which just... couldn't.
it wasn't the same after that. you kept your distance. i felt like an asshole. i felt alomst as if i betrayed you, slightly, when i started dating j. but i realize now, it just was not meant to be. cliche as it is, this wasn't our lifetime. this wasn't our time to love. there are people in our lives who have such a great impact, though they may never know it. in my life, you are one of these people. and i will save this place in my heart for you, for another life, when you and i can try again. it was always bad timing. but it wasn't always bad.
...
it's been two months since everything happened, and i wrote that. but i still can't stop aching, i can't stop regretting how i handled things with you. i want to see your face, i want to twirl my finger around that curl of hair behind your ear. i want to see you smile and know you're happy. but it's too late, and it wasn't ever right anyway. it wasn't. and i'm happy with my life, finally, and i know you're happy for me. i'm glad we became friends, and i'm glad that's all we became, this time. i'll always think fondly of you and our time together. be well, my friend, where ever you may be.
For always,
Reesie
i can remember the first time i saw you. i was walking home from work, cutting through the parking lot, and you were walking straight towards me with Kilo, when he was just a puppy. i kept my eyes to the ground and counted my steps as i walked past you. all the way up to 37, and i looked back. just then, you were turned back looking at me, and we both laughed, embarassed. i knew it then - something important was happening.
after that, i saw you nearly every day. you and your friends played football outside my apartment, even though you lived on the other side of the Club. late, late at night, when i'd sit outside to write and clear out my head, you'd walk Kilo over and we'd take turns chasing him around the pool. pretty soon i was outside just to see you, not even bringing my journal along. we'd smile shyly, never exchanging words. the silence between us was so comforting.
Until the day you found out i was married.
you couldn't believe it. came right up to me, in disbelief. i had no words to offer that look in your eyes, in my chest, such disappointment. as if some magical spell had been broken. we still had our nightly meetings. our quiet conversations, getting to know each other, but it was almost as if we were taking a mental inventory: of the things we could know, and the things we'd never get close enough to share.
the night i told you there would never be anything more than conversation between us, i felt the clenching in your jaw. the way you took my words and chewed them slowly, then walked away for a year.
when i came back from texas, it felt so good to be near your warmth. things were such a mess in my marriage, and i knew, in your silence, i would be safe. for awhile. we had such a nice week, spending every night talking and laughing, as if i had never moved. as if i'd never crushed your heart. that night before i flew home, we went to your apartment. you gave me those pictures and said, 'so you have something to remember me by.' neither of us thought we'd see each other again. i felt a hole open up inside me. did you?
it's funny how life flows. or not so funny, depending on what side of the mirror you're on.
i had you in my bed, that balmy night last summer. i laid against you unable to breathe, let alone sleep. the noise in my head so deafening. i wanted you. i wanted to erase my disasterous marriage, erase everything, until it was just you and i lying in my bed, with nothing to complicate our bliss. but there's always complications. and i couldn't get over mine that night. and i'm sorry - i really, truly am, that i lead you on into thinking something could be, which just... couldn't.
it wasn't the same after that. you kept your distance. i felt like an asshole. i felt alomst as if i betrayed you, slightly, when i started dating j. but i realize now, it just was not meant to be. cliche as it is, this wasn't our lifetime. this wasn't our time to love. there are people in our lives who have such a great impact, though they may never know it. in my life, you are one of these people. and i will save this place in my heart for you, for another life, when you and i can try again. it was always bad timing. but it wasn't always bad.
...
it's been two months since everything happened, and i wrote that. but i still can't stop aching, i can't stop regretting how i handled things with you. i want to see your face, i want to twirl my finger around that curl of hair behind your ear. i want to see you smile and know you're happy. but it's too late, and it wasn't ever right anyway. it wasn't. and i'm happy with my life, finally, and i know you're happy for me. i'm glad we became friends, and i'm glad that's all we became, this time. i'll always think fondly of you and our time together. be well, my friend, where ever you may be.
For always,
Reesie