Merlin fic: Understanding Arthur
Author: Neyah
Title: Understanding Arthur
Rating: G
Character/s: Arthur, Merlin, Gauis
Pairing/s: none
Summary: There was this feeling of… disappointment. It had started about a year ago. At first he had been disappointed in Merlin for not telling him. They had so much history together, he had to know Arthur's heart by now. Reveal fic!
Spoilers: 4.12
Word count: 7523
Warnings: unbeated
Chapter 1 - Prologue
“Tell Hunith that I miss her, and that I plan to visit her too in the near future.” Gaius told him as he handed Merlin the food he packed for him for the trip.
“Why don’t you come with me now? She would be pleased to see us both at the same time I’m sure. It would be great.”
“Oh, I’d only be in the way. You two have a lot of catching up to do. Besides, I don’t believe that would be such a good idea. With both of us gone, who would look after our king?”
He raised one eyebrow and willed his apprentice to understand the implication, and the boy did.
“You think they are slowly coming out of hiding?”
“I don’t know. It’s happening more and more often, and it can be dangerous at the start. Sometimes, I can see the fear in the people’s eyes. They had been taught to believe for too long that magic was evil. They’ll need time, to be persuaded otherwise.” Gaius let out a sigh, and sat himself on the nearby stool at the table. They still had time, before the sun came up and Merlin had to go. “Perhaps this would be a great time now to tell Arthur about your magic. He would probably…”
“No!” Merlin cut him off a little bit harsher than he intended to. He was getting tired of this topic. “I told you the day Uther died that he’ll never know who I am, and I plan to keep myself to that. Probably the situation or the law would change, but nothing would change that.” and he meant it. “I’ve been lying for far too long, he would never trust me again fully. And I can’t lose that. I don’t want him to always second guess my every intention. Just let go of the subject, please.” It sounded final, but Gaius knew he could never let this go. He knew that the trust Merlin was talking about wasn’t really there. It hadn’t been there for a long time now. And that that would be the very thing that would destroy their friendship before it could really become real.
Chapter 2 - Belief
With Merlin, nothing was easy. Arthur didn’t know what it was about his servant that could bring the most unexpected emotions out of him.
There was this feeling of… disappointment. It had started about a year ago. At first he had been disappointed in Merlin for not telling him. For not putting enough faith and trust in him, that he would have understood and stood by him through thick and thin. They had so much history together, he had to know Arthur’s heart by now.
As Uther’s son, he had been raised to despise everything to do with magic, but he also knew that his father could be very unreasonable. Perhaps his intentions had been good at the start, perhaps he really had believed he was doing the right thing, or he had been just trying to place the blame of her mother’s death on someone else, but there was a collateral damage. The price had been too high. Arthur always thought that the Great Purge had been something to be ashamed of. A stain on the family name not even his own time of just ruling could have washed away. The death of children can never be acceptable, no matter the circumstances, nothing could have justified such a thing. But that hadn’t been the end of it. Over the course of years, so many people had been executed, too many to count and definitely more than Arthur could remember. He couldn’t recall all those frightened faces or vengeful glares those people had sent his and his father’s way in their last moments of life. But their eyes were hard to forget.
Morgana had always been open about her contempt towards Uther because of it, but she was a girl, and girls are more or less allowed to be emotional. Arthur had never been able to allow himself that luxury. No one knew how those eyes haunted him at night.
He refused to believe that all of them were evil, or even that all of them was actually guilty of using sorcery. A lot of them were just probably at the wrong place at the wrong time when somebody had to take the blame.
And there had been those awful times, when simply nothing had happened for a while. The good, peaceful times, when Uther had been convinced that it had been just the calm before the storm.
“They are planning something, I’m sure of it. They always do.” he had sometimes used to say over dinner, worry wrinkling his brow.
And the blond boy, barely fifteen but already burdened with a vast amount of obligations hadn’t been able to wrap his head around it.
“I’m certain it’s not like that, father. You probably already eliminated all of them, and not one of them remained to cause a ruckus.” he had answered lightly, but his face had significantly lost color. He had known exactly where this conversation had been going, he had had his fair share of them. “Just try to enjoy it, everyone else does.”
But he hadn’t. The King hadn’t been in a cheerful mood, not in the least. At times like that he had sent out his proud and joy, the future hope of the magicless kingdom to look for traces of sorcery everywhere, and be sure to find something. He had wanted to steel the youth’s heart, and had told his knights to not let Arthur’s doubts and misplaced pity get in the way of the sublime task.
So while he, because of his age could not be associated with the Great Purge, he hadn’t been less guilty in seeking out magic users and bringing them to Uther’s so called justice. He could have said he was reluctant, that his hand was moved by his father’s will, but it was he who did it. He had no choice of course, but that fact did nothing to ease his guilt, and for the public - especially those, who had magic -, he was just another Pendragon. It was a name that provoked respect and fear in every beating heart throughout the realm, even in those it shouldn’t have.
But Merlin was something else. He wasn’t born in Camelot and the name Pendragon probably didn’t mean much to him. Perhaps he wasn’t even aware of a foreign kingdom’s hatred of magic, but he had been dumb enough to stay, when he learned how difficult and dangerous life can be there for the likes of him. But still, he had stayed and had become manservant of the King’s son himself. It was a position that had put him alarmingly close to Uther, and the irony of it wasn’t lost on Arthur.
All those times, when the kingdom had been attacked with magic helped the prince to understand that magic was essential to fight back, or his father’s visions of Camelot’s fall would come true. The witch-hunt Uther conducted only fueled these attacks, because it brought about hatred in those who had a gift and refused to give up using it.
But what sorcerer would help them? Who would be stupid enough to risk losing everything and betray his own kind for a king who would execute him on the spot if he knew the truth? Certainly no one. For years Arthur was sure of that answer he gave to his own question.
And sometimes he simply lost faith. In the world of magic nothing made sense to him, it was easier to trust his father’s methods, than to just stand by and watch the destruction this or that sorcerer had thrown their way. After all the evil he had seen, it was easier to believe magic was evil, when no proof of the opposite presented itself. The good and supporting magic Arthur wanted to believe in as a youth remained unseen like the God he had been raised to worship.
He had started to have his suspicions of him after about a year of Merlin serving him loyally. There were just too many coincidences to write them off as pure luck. When they were attacked and then out of the blue they were safe again, the source of evil disappearing. No one asked the awkward questions about where they had gone. The king was proud that once again he had shown the world that they were stronger than magic, they would not be conquered, that those who stand firm in their belief of God get some divine intervention and will always win against the pagans who still serve the Old Religion. And that’s it. End of story. But Arthur knew better.
Chapter 3 - Arthur’s Dream
Arthur couldn’t tell at which moment it had dawned on him. The truth is, there hadn’t been such a moment. At first it was just a slight pull at the back of his mind. The ’what if’s. What if there was someone watching over him? Someone close to him? He liked to think it was God, sending a guardian angel to protect him, but he was humble enough not to accept a concept such as that. Why would have a high, a mighty God cared whether Arthur lived. After all, he was nothing special, even if he had been a prince and future king. Surely God had much more important things to do.
So after ruling out that idea, he started watching his knights. There were occasions when only three or four of them were present, but sometimes none of them. As he thought about it, Merlin was the constant presence at these occurrences. As hard as it was to believe it, it had to be him. He had always thought that there was something shifty about him, and magic was the perfect explanation for all those weird moments when Merlin was nowhere in sight and something unexplainable happened. As the months had worn on, Arthur had been unconsciously watching Merlin, and his doubts had been washed away one by one. Mostly because sometimes Merlin as a sorcerer was just as clumsy as Merlin the manservant was. That thought made him smile. His servant was anything but boring. In a court full of uninteresting people he was like a breath of fresh air even when he was annoying.
Arthur would have given everything to watch him doing his magic openly, watching as his eyes turn gold - as he once could have sworn he had seen it from the corner of his eye before turning away -, listening as his tone changes when he mutters a spell, seeing his feet dig into the ground, standing firm in a very unpeasantlike posture. There was a pride in his whole stance, and he actually seemed taller. Confidence does that to a person. Arthur knew all about that, and wished he could have see more of that side of Merlin. He rarely saw him like that. Perhaps before battles, he had a nerve which people wouldn’t understand, cause everybody thought him totally defenseless.
But Arthur couldn’t let him know that he knew about his magic. It was easier to pretend that he didn’t, so he didn’t have to feel like lying to his father. Which in all honesty he still did. But he thought that if Merlin have known, he would have been even more careless with his magic.
It had been all for the better, but sometimes it stung. He never once questioned his servant’s loyalty, but at times, he questioned the level of trust he thought had been between them. After all Merlin had always been the closest thing he ever had had to a friend. He often wondered how sad that was, but it was true. It was close, but it wasn’t real friendship, it never had been.
Arthur had never had friends. Friendship requires equality, and no one had come even close to his social standing that was the same age and gender as him. As a kid, he frequently wished Morgana had been a boy, they would have gotten along even better, but for most of his life, his sister - who would have thought that they were really blood related? - had been closest to him. But that was all in the past now. Whatever connection they had once shared, Morgana destroyed that when she turned her back on her family and betrayed them.
And now, as an adult there were his knights. Some were of noble birth, some are not, but definitely closer in rank and age. But of course he could not be friends with them. He should lead, command. They should look up to him and respect him. No matter how friendly he got with them, they couldn’t be real friends. That would be inappropriate. They shouldn’t tell him the errors of his ways, question his decisions like a real friend should. Sometimes leadership demanded blind obedience and loyalty.
Arthur had a dream. One in which Merlin wasn’t his manservant, but his right-hand man, his most trusted friend, his advisor. A powerful and famous sorcerer whom all of Camelot admired and respected, and Arthur was a fair and just king, a ruler they had grown to love. They saw him as a worthy king, just because he was good enough to have a friend like Merlin. After all he had to be deserving to have a sorcerer stand by him, a Pendragon.
It was just a dream, but he believed that one day it would come true. In that dream, Merlin revealed his magic on the day of his coronation. Funny thing was, he had pictured his coronation so many times, but it had never occurred to him, that his father has to die for that day to come. And when it finally arrived, he felt only an overwhelming sadness and fear. He had no idea how he’d survive without the guidance of his father, how would he become that loved and worthy king he always had liked to picture himself. That day had been a nightmare. And those things he said… Grief made him say those terrible things he shouldn’t have said, especially to Merlin of all people. That alone showed how close he had always felt to him, that it was always his servant who got the worst of him. His worst thoughts, his worst moods.
He didn’t know who that Dragoon was, or if he wanted to do good or bad, and he supposed he’d never know. But when he saw his father’s eyes fogging over, he lost faith in good magic. For a moment, there was nothing in his heart but anger. He wanted someone to put the blame on. And he thought that if that had to be magic, then so be it. For the first time in his life he had understood how his father felt and it had scared him the next morning he woke up. He knew he had to let go of that anger or he would become the bitter man his father had been. And he had done it, he had let it go, but he couldn’t take back what he had said to Merlin.
He had been a king for almost six months now, and he still hadn’t told him. He probably never would. And Arthur understood why. He only had himself to blame for that. But he had to do something if he wanted his dream to ever become reality.
Chapter 4 - Feels Like Home
Arthur hated executions. He believed that death should be noble. The stronger defeats the weaker, the smarter outwits the thick. Like in battles, like at hunting. When it comes down to it, it’s all about who’s better. That’s the rule of life. Executions may bring justice, but he never felt pride for ordering someone else to kill a defenseless man, no matter what they had done to earn that fate. It didn’t bring neither satisfaction nor relief to him. But sometimes it had to be done.
He couldn’t quite explain why sentencing a sorcerer to death felt harder than doing it to anyone else. But he knew it had something to do with Merlin. He felt guilty, and it brought back a lot of bad memories of his father’s reign.
It had been a blessing that Merlin had gone to Ealdor for a week, visiting his mother, so he didn’t have to to see it. Arthur was sure had Merlin been there, he could not have gone through with it, but on the other hand, he had missed his servant’s council. Ha had had to rely on his own judgment, and had prayed he had made the right decision. And had prayed that Merlin would never learn about the whole thing, although he hadn’t done anything he should’ve been ashamed of.
Since the day he had become king, the executions of magic users had stopped. The ban had been still in place, but when someone had denounced a sorcerer Arthur hadn’t lifted a finger to punish them, saying he had had more important things to tend to. Word of that had spread throughout the kingdom that the new king didn’t share his father’s blind hatred of magic, and the responses to that information had been mixed to say the least, but it had been worth it. It had put a smile on Merlin’s face so Arthur had decided to give the people time to adjust to the situation. At least they hadn’t had to be afraid of being accused with the crime of sorcery. In the king’s mind, having magic wasn’t a crime in itself. Abusing power was. It was a crime Uther had been very much guilty of.
Arthur had to make a distinction between Uther, the beloved father, and Uther, the king to see the errors in his predecessor’s ways, and make sure he had steered clear of them. It hadn’t been easy, but he had got better at it with time. But magic was a delicate matter to him, and while he didn’t resent it, he didn’t want to let crimes committed with it slide.
His name was Gracian, and he had killed his daughter-in-law and in the process, his own unborn grandchild. He had sworn up and down that the potion he had gave to her had been just to make the birth easier, but it had proved deadly to both mother and daughter. Apparently the child hadn’t had magic, so the sorcerer had suspected adultery. Gaius himself proclaimed the poison had been intended to kill. The trial had lasted for almost a day, and Arthur could have done nothing to save the man’s life, and truth be told, he had no intention to. They had had more than enough evidence to sentence the man to death for his premeditated crime. Still, it was harder than he had thought it would be.
When he had stood on the balcony to announce their verdict and had made the whole of Camelot watch the executioner carry out the punishment he had found how dangerously close the words ‘crime of sorcery’ and ‘crime by sorcery’ were. He had wanted to emphasize the difference, but he hadn’t been sure he had succeeded. He had wished he could have just said ’He’s a murderer, so just let’s get this over with. The world would be a better place without him’, but that would not have been very regal.
He had been sitting in his chair for a long time after that, buried in his thoughts, when suddenly a very agitated Merlin burst into his room, balancing a plate full of food in his hands.
“I bet you didn’t think you would see me today, sire.” he told him in a cheeky tone. “Here’s your lunch. Look at the state of this room! I knew you couldn’t function without me for two days, let alone a week”.
With that he turned around and busied himself with the bedding. Arthur watched him in silence for a few moments, he was truly at a loss of words.
“What are you doing here, Merlin?”
“Doing my job. The job my replacement had clearly failed to do in my absence.” came the answer without a moment’s hesitation.
“I can see that. What I meant was that weren’t you supposed to arrive early at night?” Arthur was getting annoyed, and fear started to clench at his stomach. He pushed the plate away, eating was the last thing on his mind. What if Merlin arrived early enough to have seen something?
“Why, isn’t someone happy to see me?” Great, the king decided. He can handle sarcasm, it was something to be expected of his servant after all, but something was off.
“It’s still your day off. Don’t you want to spend some quality time with Gaius instead?” The way it came out was more like an order than an offering. He hoped that if Merlin had seen something, he would ask the physician about it, and the old man would tell him the details. That would be much more convenient for Arthur than awkwardly trying to justify his decision to him, when he shouldn’t have.
“I’m sure we’ll spend the evening catching up. I understand you had a busy week.” For the first time since he entered the room, his voice broke, and told Arthur how shaken up Merlin was. Arthur had to make him see the facts, but first he had to be sure what exactly his servant had heard or seen.
“Is this about…”
“You looked great. You were born to be standing up on that balcony, all regal, you know. Like I’ve always told you.” he rambled while collecting the laundry.
Arthur rolled his eyes and let out a big sigh. This was simply childish.
“He killed two people, Merlin, and killers have to be dealt with.” he started, but Merlin cut him off.
“You don’t have to explain yourself.”
“Of course I don’t have to. I’m just sorry you had to see that.” He knew his manservant enough to know that in the mood he was in it was very unlikely that he could say anything that would get through to him.
Merlin lifted the basket full of the dirty laundry he just collected, and turned to fully face his king for the first time since he had barged in his chambers. His eyes were strangely glistening.
“Felt like coming home.”
It came out almost as a whisper, and with that he left the room silently.
Arthur wasn’t sure how to feel about their conversation, and prayed that an evening with Gaius would calm things down. He pulled the plate full of food in front of himself and started picking at it, but it had long ago gone cold.
Chapter 5 - Leap Of Faith
Arthur entered the room still breathing erratically after a particularly long and heavy training session. He needed that whenever something weighted on his mind.
“Your bath is ready. Do you perhaps want to eat something before the council meeting?” Merlin asked while he expertly freed the king of his armor.
That was the wonderful thing about Merlin. Arthur normally never ate between lunch and dinner, especially not after training, but today he was famished.
“Yes, Merlin, thank you. Just something light. I don’t want to doze off during the meeting.”
The servant snorted.
“I bet you don’t want to miss all the exciting parts.”
He always knew how to make Arthur smile. And it was comfortable. Perhaps for a moment, a bit too comfortable. It should have felt good, but it didn’t. Yes, the unexpected emotions.
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Arthur had been raised not to show emotions. Especially not fear. In the battlefield it was essential to appear calm and resolute. But he was brave not stupid, so he knew exactly what fear was. But the biggest one was not of dying.
He had many insecurities. He was always scared that he’ll never become the great king he wanted to become. The one Merlin, Guinevere and all the people closest to him saw in him. A lot of people depended on him, his failures were the failures of the whole realm.
And then, there was that fear, that he suppressed deep within himself, but it resurfaced every night in the moments between awareness and consciousness, and in his dream. The kind that clenched his throat hard and threatened to drown him. The fear of betrayal.
He had a tendency to trust the wrong people in the past. He’d thought that if a person burns himself, he won’t sit too close to the fire again. But Arthur feared he might do exactly that. Not on purpose, of course.
He had trusted Agravaine. He had needed guidance, his uncle offered, and Arthur had accepted, he had had no other family left. It was something he had learned from his father, to trust the blood. The blood of relations, the blood of nobility. After all what had he known about Agravaine besides that he had been his uncle? Nothing. He had barely seen the man before Uther had died. Perhaps once or twice and even then he had been a small child, but he had suspected the man’s hatred for Uther. That alone should have been enough not to trust him. But why had he hated the son of his beloved sister? Merlin had tried to open his eyes, but he, his father’s son believed a word of a nobleman - and unfamiliar blood-relative - over that of a servant. Uther would have been proud.
It had hurt. Not as much as Morgana’s betrayal had hurt, though. He had known the woman his whole life, and still hadn’t been able to see the change in her. The fire in her eyes.
He should have been able to read the signs.
Perhaps it was written in his fate, to stand all alone in the world, not being able to trust those around him. Even Guinevere betrayed him, and although that was a very different situation, it hadn’t hurt less. The love was stronger, he had forgiven but couldn’t forget. He’d never be able to trust her as much as before.
And here was Merlin. He was a sorcerer, of that Arthur had no doubts for a long time now. And while he had never questioned his loyalty, there was that unspeakable dread in the back of his mind, that what if he had been wrong all along. One more treachery like that would destroy him for good.
With Merlin, he had to be sure. He had to know. He wanted his dream, the friend that he could trust with everything. Just one single person. Was that too much to ask? He had to make a big leap of faith.
The secrets Merlin had never told him, had built an unseen wall between them. Arthur could feel it every time they were in the same room, every time Merlin stood beside him, it was there in every joke, every moment shared. Arthur wanted desperately to bring that wall down for good.
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The warm water did wonders for his sore muscles like usual. Soaking in the bath after training was always his favorite part of the day.
He got out of the tub and started drying himself when Merlin came back to the room to help the king dress, and he thought back on what his servant had said a few minutes before.
Yes, that leap of faith… he though, this time was as good as any. He stepped behind the screen to towel himself off.
“You know, after all that warmth of the water, I already feel like dozing off, and the meeting hasn’t even started yet.” he mused offhandedly.
“Should I just pour some ice-cold water on your face? It works rather well, if I may say. Trust me, Sire, I know all about it.”
“Very funny, Merlin. I think you aren’t paying a visit to the stocks nowadays as often as you should. You are getting too cheeky for your own good.” the king retorted from behind the screen, trying to keep the smile out of his voice. But this conversation weren’t going the way he wanted it to, and while it was nice to hear these silly retorts, he couldn’t let him distract him from his goal.
“I’m thinking, that this probably will be a very interesting meeting. I will make it interesting.” he said poking his head out.
“I know that look.” Merlin frowned. „Something tells me I’m not going to like it”.
“I don’t know why would you think that. Besides, it doesn’t really concern you, but still, I wanted your opinion. Probably you’d help me with a few ideas how to phrase this, because there’s obviously no time, to write a speech now. - Already dressed he went to the table, fingering some papers just to do something and not having to look his servant in the eye. He had to gather all his strength to do that.
“This actually sounds… important.” Merlin observed. This got his interest. These were his moments. The moments when the king acknowledged his wits, and not treated him as an idiot. He craved Arthur’s attention and recognition, and on these rare occasions he could bask in it.
“It is…” ’Deep breath. You can do this, Arthur’, he told himself. “I was thinking about lifting the ban on magic.” - This time he looked up to meet his manservant’s gaze, waiting for a reaction. Any kind of reaction that would help him decide how to proceed.
Merlin’s shoulders tensed almost unnoticeably, his mouth twitched and a slight tremor run through his whole body, but other than that nothing gave away that this was indeed a touchy subject.
“Really?” - The nonchalant tone was obviously forced. „Now why would you think about that? Has something happened?”- He busied himself with the bedclothes, which was perfectly in order, but gave him a chance to turn his back on his king. Not the kind of response Arthur was fishing for.
“Come on! I thought you of all people should approve!”
“Me? Why do you say that? What has this got to do with me?” Merlin quickly found himself on the defensive.
“I just meant that you never approved of the executions, and you defended those who committed no crimes other than having magic on more than one occasion.”
“That’s not true, I never defended anyone, I was just trying to see things from a different perspective. And don’t make this whole thing about me. Yesterday you were happily putting a sorcerer to death, so what’s the sudden change?” He still wasn’t able to meet Arthur’s eyes. His mind was screaming at him, that probably this is the only chance he’ll ever get to come clean, but he vowed he’ll never tell his king the truth. This wasn’t about magic. But to pass up an opportunity like that was a crime in itself.
He quickly went behind Arthur with the pretense of adjusting his clothes.
Merlin fumbling fingers felt warm. They were shaking yet reassuring. No one this nervous can have ulterior motives.
“I did not say that criminals wouldn’t be punished, and that one yesterday was exactly that. But why should we condemn people who commit no crime? I mean the druids are already under my protection. I’ve promised that , and a king doesn’t go back on his promises. Why would other sorcerers would be different?” He said in one go, and tried to catch his manservant’s gaze. When he succeeded, he continued. “I just want people to know, that it’s okay… as long as they don’t misuse their powers.” Doubt made him add this last part cautiously, and inwardly he cursed himself. Did he really believe even for one moment that Merlin would be one of them? Those that betrayed his trust.
Arthur wanted to let Merlin know with a glance, that this was all about him, about letting him know that he could finally let go of his secret. But Merlin’s reaction totally confused him. He let go of his clothes and made his way to the door.
“If that is all, Sire, I’d like to go and finish some of my chores while you’re at the meeting.” He barely looked back at Arthur.
“Yes, Merlin. That would be all. You can go.” He gave up. For now. But this conversation was nowhere near over.
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Arthur waited for hours for Merlin’s return that evening. But he never came. Disappointed and frustrated he changed out of his clothes and went to bed early. As he was dozing off he swore up and down that the next time he saw Merlin he’d make him confess, or else he’d simply choke it out of him.
Chapter 6 - Denial
Merlin had to stop on the corner to catch his breath after he had left the king’s chamber in a hurry. His heart was in his throat and his stomach was tied in a knot.
He didn’t know how to interpret that knowing look Arthur had given him just moments ago. He couldn’t know about his magic. How was that even possible? He had really did done everything over these years to keep his secret. It couldn’t have all been for nothing.
He rushed down the corridor and didn’t stop until he reached the safety of his room. He planked himself down on the bed and buried his head in his hands.
Whatever Arthur’s intentions had been, he had given Merlin a way out of his lies. Deep down he knew he should have taken it, but he hadn’t had the guts. He was afraid how the king would react to the truth. Not the truth that he had magic. Because whether Arthur suspected something or not, he wasn’t like his father, he would understand. His views had already changed greatly since he had become king. But Merlin had done a lot of things he could not be proud of. It was painful enough to live with them every day, but to confess them to someone else, which he knew Arthur would demand, and see the disappointment in his eyes was a whole different matter.
He had killed, he had denied Morgana the help she had needed when there had been still time to save her, he had poisoned her, and the most painful of all, he was Dragoon. No matter that he had done nothing wrong, he was forever linked with Uther’s death. Arthur would never look at him the same way if he knew. Whenever there would be some magical stuff in Camelot, there’d be a suspicion in his eyes. He couldn’t bear the thought of that.
He had betrayed Arthur more ways than one in the past, and if that all came to light, there would be no coming back from it ever again.
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“What are you doing here, Merlin?” Gaius raised an eyebrow when he saw his ward lying on the bed fully clothed. „Did you get the evening off?”
Merlin’s eyes shot open and he tried to remember how he had dozed off. The events of the afternoon all came rushing back to him.
“No.” He said as he slowly sat up, still groggy, and sighed. “I just… I can’t face him right now.”
His face talked of great distress, the kind that not often had shown on his face, so Gaius walked up to the bed and sat down next to him.
“What happened?” He asked, his voice full of concern.
“I’m not sure. Arthur told me he wants to lift the ban on magic… But you should have seen his face! Like he knows!” Merlin became agitated once again just by talking about it and a frown etched his face.
The old man clearly became excited about the news and he didn’t do anything to hide it. He wasn’t just happy for the young man who he had come to love as a son, but the free practicing of sorcery would also make his life much easier.
“That’s great news! So you told him finally?”
“No, Gaius! We had that discussion lots of times before. I told you that that would never happen.” He huffed indignantly because he desperately wanted to persuade himself that his decision was right, but it was getting harder and harder.
“Merlin, I swear, I’ve never hit anyone in my life, but now I’m wondering whether I should slap you. This is your chance. Probably your one and only.” Sadness laced the old man’s tone, because he feared that Merlin’s stubbornness would make things a lot worse.
The youth’s reluctance cracked when he heard the disappointed reprimand. He knew that he couldn’t lie forever, and an accidental reveal seemed just wrong. Arthur deserved to hear it from him. All of it.
“I know that you usually go your own way, but for once, will you take and old man’s advice to heart?” Gaius asked, and he hoped that he finally got through to him.
“I’ll try. No one knows the circumstances better than you.” He sighed. “Tell me, what would you do, if you were me?” He looked up expectantly, clinging to a last spark of hope that he would hear the words that would rescue him of finally coming clean. But he knew he had no such luck.
“I think you already know my answer. I would tell him.” With a knowing look the physician stood and started for the door to leave the boy alone to think everything through. On the doorstep he looked back for one more time before he stepped out and closed the door behind himself.” And if I’m reading you right, which I’m sure I do, you have already made your choice.”
Chapter 7 - Not All For Nothing
Arthur had been pacing his room for hours and just when he admitted defeat and sat down at his desk to actually get some work done that demanded his attention, Merlin burst into his room more agitated than usual.
Arthur forced a smile which didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“So nice to see you, Merlin!”
“I’m sorry.” Merlin blurted out hastily. “Gaius needed some help.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s not like you had somewhere else to be.” Arthur dropped his pen down on the desk angrily and looked around with a dramatic motion of his hands. “Look at the sorry state of this room!”
Arthur’s chamber was a mess, Merlin had to admit. It was as if a tornado had gone through it. Without saying a word he started to put everything back to its place. He was thankful for the distraction for it gave him some time to think about how to break the news to Arthur. He wasn’t sure that it was really anything new for him, but telling it out loud was still a frightening concept. He had kept his secret for so long it had become second nature.
The king sat quietly and thought about how to choke a confession out of his manservant. It wasn’t just about his dream of having a true and trusted friend by eliminating all the lies that kept a wall between them. In all honesty, Arthur had become tired of ducking, hiding, pretending to be unconscious for Merlin to be able to work his magic in nasty situations. At first it had been fun, especially when he had made it a point to peek at his servant here and there because Merlin with all that power at his command had truly been a sight to behold. But all that had become old very fast.
He wanted Merlin to be able to use it freely, without shame or fear, even if only in front of his king.
“Merlin.” he started in an admonishing tone. “Do you have nothing to say?”
Startled out of his thoughts Merlin looked at him, unconsciously fingering his neckerchief.
“What do want me to say?” he was truly lost.
The blond grumbled but decided to play along.
“Yesterday we were talking about my idea of lifting the ban on magic, you got all defensive and you ran away screaming.”
Merlin pretended to make an effort to remember.
“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t remember any screaming.”
This time Arthur choked back a groan.
“I meant figuratively.”
“No I don’t remember screaming figuratively. If I recall I excused myself properly.” he fought back a smile.
He had been squirming this whole time and now as he looked at Arthur he realized that the king was just as nervous as he was. He was scared out of his wits, but he wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to make Arthur uncomfortable.
“Merlin!” he roared dangerously but softened his tone immediately because he was fully aware that it would get him nowhere. At least not where he wanted to go with it. “Come here.”
His manservant put down the clothes that he held and went to desk opposite of Arthur.
They were so close that the blond man could have touched the other’s shoulder had he wanted to, but that table reminded him of the unseen wall between them. That thought spurred this conversation in the first place.
“I wanted to hear your opinion about this. You know that I always appreciate your thoughts…” the king began in a solemn tone but he was cut off.
“Really?” Merlin asked incredulously. „I thought only an idiot would heed the words of and idiot.”
“Quit trying to be funny. It really isn’t your strongest point.” he sighed. So choking out it is then, he told himself.
Arthur looked down on his desk and got ready for the inevitable. This little game they were playing was getting tiresome. Especially for him.
Just as he was opening his mouth, he looked up and caught Merlin’s gaze and what he grasped there made the words stuck in his throat.
The look the king gave him almost made Merlin cry. That deliciously expectant look was all the reassurance he needed. It was so full of trust and strength that some of it poured into him as well. This was it. No more secrets.
“Arthur.” he whispered “I have magic.” He didn’t know where he had got the stamina to hold the king’s glance but he couldn’t look away. He had to see it all. The subtlest twitch in the corner of the eyes, the slightest tremor of facial muscles, anything that would indicate an inner turmoil. But strangely enough, he saw nothing like that.
Arthur sighed and a gentle smile spread across his lips.
“Thank you.” was all he said.
“For what?”
“For telling me. I was starting to think I would have to use force.”
“Since when…” Merlin looked away and couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence.
“I’ve known for about a year.” The king stood up and got around the table to stand in front of the sorcerer.
“Why didn’t you say something?” He was beginning to feel stupid. When no answer came, he realized just how inappropriate his question was. He should have been the one to say something. “So…will you really lift the ban on magic?”
“No way!” Arthur answered honestly.
“What? You said…”
“I said I was thinking about it, but I didn’t say I was planning to do it in the immediate future.”
Merlin couldn’t grasp the rules of this game anymore.
“So what was this? A trick?” He felt this whole drama had been for nothing.
“Exactly. I wanted to get you to admit it. But I wasn’t lying, I’m really thinking about it. Just won’t do it, not yet.”
“I don’t understand.” He was more confused than ever, and having Arthur put his arms around his shoulder in a friendly manner didn’t help much.
“Tell me this. Does Morgana know about your magic?”
“No, I don’t think she knows. Why?” The moment the words left his lips he knew the answers.
“As a known sorcerer and trusted friend of the king, you’d be the first target for anyone who wants to attack the kingdom. You’re our secret weapon. And for the time being, it’s better if you stay secret.”
Merlin knew his king was right. He knew that the ban wouldn’t be lifted anytime soon, but the kindness Arthur showed overwhelmed him. Who knew that the clotpole can be so understanding? Whenever he had dreamed about finally revealing his magic to Arthur, he never imagined it would go this well. He was waiting to be awoken from this particularly bizarre dream.
“Does that mean I’d still have to polish your armor and muck out your horses?” He grinned.
The blond man managed to keep a completely straight face despite the relief he felt.
“I’m afraid you have no choice.”
Well, maybe not that understanding. But they now had the chance to build the friendship they had always been dreaming of. So this hadn’t been all for nothing.
The End