LoM Fic: Falling Apart - Part Two, Sam/Gene, Green Cortina
FALLING APART: Part Two
Sam arrived home in the middle of the night, tired, just wanting to sleep and forget. He switched the TV on but there was nothing just that test card girl with her clown on it. So Sam decided to take a shower and go to bed as soon as possible, because in the morning he would have some important things to do.
When he stepped out of the shower and dried his hair he saw the test card but the girl was missing. Shit! He’d thought he’d gotten rid of her when he had come back. Entering the room he saw the girl sitting on the bed desperately hugging his clown, with fear in her eyes. She was positively scared of something. She looked at Sam but she wasn't focusing on him, she looked at a distant place behind Sam's back.
"Don't, Sam! Don't go near the edge! You'll fall! Step back, please, Sam, stay with us!"
Sam thought of Annie having said that to him: 'Stay!' But he couldn't stay!
"What edge? It's over! I jumped, I have nowhere to go to now! I have to stay, I've no choice! It's all over!" He cried.
Sam woke with a start, covered in sweat. What could that mean? The edge? That had been in the past, he had made that choice months earlier, and couldn’t change it. He looked at his watch. It was already 5 in the morning. He had to go to the office to talk to the Superintendent, and to say farewell to Annie, avoiding Gene if possible. It would hurt of course, but it had to be done.
*
Gene parked the Cortina on the other side of the street and lit a cigarette. He waited in the car for minutes, gathering enough courage to face Sam. The little coward avoided him, couldn't even said goodbye properly, just with that fucking paper he left on his desk. So impersonal. He deserved more from that dirty bastard. That was like a second betrayal, but Gene couldn't blame Sam for it, he couldn't be mad at him, but somehow he had to make Sam stay, whatever the cost.
Even if it hurt, he had to admit he loved that short-haired nancy boy, more than anyone, even more than his wife or Ray, his best and oldest friend. He had finally found a man, equal to him, who had the balls to fight back both with words and fists. An amazing man full of mystery, a buried treasure waiting to be discovered. How long would it take him to admit how much he loved Sam, and not just as a friend. He had thought he’d had months to get used to the thought of loving a man, but he didn't have time for that. He had to act before it was too late.
He had been meditating about the possible consequences and he had come to the conclusion that he had nothing to lose with kissing Sam, and telling him how much he meant to him. If Sam didn't feel the same way, he would go away, and wouldn't have the chance to tell anyone at CID that his DCI fancied him and no one would laugh at him. But if Sam kissed him back maybe he could persuade him to stay. It would be worth the risk if words didn't help, even if it were just one kiss, it would be worth it. Though he couldn't think about letting Sam go, but that would do as a worst case plan.
CID needed him, and Gene needed his DI, his friend, his... whatever. He tossed the cigarette out of the window, climbed out of the car and headed to Sam's flat.
*
Sam was sitting on the side of his bed, burying his face in his hands. The door of his flat was wide open. It wasn't an invitation for anyone to go inside; it was an exit for Sam. A suitcase was next to him, packed. Nothing could stop him making his exit, yet he couldn't move, he wasn't prepared yet. Even leaving his small, dark, depressing flat seemed so hurtful, but he knew that he also had to leave his job, the ones he loved, everything and everyone behind. He already missed them.
He wondered where he could go. When he had jumped from that building in 2006 he had thought he would live the rest of his life there, with all the things he had come back for. With Gene as his DCI. He didn't mind being only a DI as long as Gene was his Guv. That Neanderthal always used his fists first, but Sam had to admit that he was a bloody good copper, and despite being a little too physical sometimes, in his own way he had a brilliant mind.
Sam was sad that he couldn't really come to know Gene's real personality under the tough shell, the hopes and fears, the bad memories he had deeply repressed. There were only a few precious moments when he opened himself to Sam, and he was glad for those moments and only wished they had more time to share. Gene offered his friendship to him, but even then he remained a closed book that no one was supposed to read. His only true friend was the whiskey bottle; it was silent, never questioned him, never betrayed him, never judged him, never laughed at him. The only thing he could fully put that trust in, which allowed him to breathe, to survive. Gene wasn't hard to understand, only really difficult to handle.
But that had been all in the past, it wasn't his problem anymore. He just didn't know where to start his new life, where to go. Another city, another job, another shitty flat. Perhaps something new to live for, though he could hardly believe he would ever find someone like Gene or Annie, or a city so full of life and smells and energy.
If he could have manipulated this little world inside his mind, Gene would have been his with heart and soul, and he would be Gene's with everything he could give. Never in his life had he wanted so much to hug someone, to know someone, to be there for someone, and to share his thoughts with someone. He had been always surrounded by people who had loved him, but deep inside he had always felt lonely...until he had met Gene.
When he had first realised he had wanted to spend more time with him than Annie, it had been the scariest discovery of all. He had never been attracted to men though he had had some handsome and intelligent friends in his old life, but he had never even thought of them that way. At first he had only thought he had found his best friend, but that seemed odd, because they always fought, they were so different.
He asked himself if there was any physical attraction, and the answer surprised him. Kissing the Guv was definitely a tempting thought, to hug him and maybe even more. He just couldn't picture him making love to a man, but he knew that his face was the first thing he wanted to see in the mornings. He was that special someone Sam wanted to share his whole life with. He had given up his real life for that. He had never thought he would regret it, it hurt so much. Maybe feeling nothing would have been better than that. That pain would soon suck the last drop of passion from him, leaving him as empty as a dry runway.
Again he was thinking about Gene when he should have been thinking about where to go next. He could even smell that intoxicating mixture of smell that was Gene when he realised it wasn't a trick of his mind. He turned his head and saw his former superior standing in the door, angry and embarrassed though he tried to look calm. He stared at the suitcase, then back to Sam.
"What's the matter, Sam? What does that paper on my desk supposed to mean?" Gene asked as calmly and playfully as he could. "You got a promotion with a better salary? Oh, come on, Sammy! You could have told me if you wanted more money."
"No, Gene, it's not about the money...it's..." Sam stood up and tried to explain, but couldn't find the words. He couldn't tell the truth.
"Someone hurt you? Is it Ray? Or Annie?" Sam didn't answer. "There's nothing we can't sort out. Just forget that resignation and come back to work, Sam. Don't be stupid, we need you, I need my picky, pain in the arse DI." Gene tried to joke.
"No, Guv. I have to go. I want to start a new life somewhere. I think I burned out, I want a new city, new people, new job." He lied, and Gene knew that.
"You're kidding me! You're anything but a burned-out copper! Don't make me say it again Sammy-boy, come back to the office. We'll find you a better flat than this, so you can be more comfortable. You deserve it." Gene went to the bed and stopped just a few inches before Sam, waiting for that answer, praying it would be something like 'ok, Guv, let's go'. But Sam said nothing, just shook his head.
Gene thought that this would be his last chance. He leant forward, his lips almost brushing Sam's. Their mouths were so close, they breathed the other's hot breath. It was a very intimate and almost erotic moment. Sam closed his eyes.
"Gene, don't make it harder than as it already is." Sam remembered Annie, when he had asked her to stay for just one night, she had said no. As much as he had wanted to have her even for one night, he couldn’t bare the thought of having Gene for only one night. For a lifetime or nothing at all.
"Damn, I want to make it as hard as possible for you." He closed the gap slowly between their mouths, brushing the other man's lips, covering his mouth with his own. For a moment Sam just stood there, unable to move, then he withdrew.
"You should go now, Guv. You still have a team to care for."
"Yes, I know, I'm doing it right now, starting with you." Gene whispered, trying to kiss Sam again, but he turned away from him.
"I'm not playing in that team anymore. I'm really sorry. Please go, I still have to pack some things." He started to pack, so that Gene couldn't see his tears flowing.
Gene didn't know what to say or do, he tried everything he could.
"I need you!" That's all he said.
Sam paused for a moment, but didn't look at Gene.
"I'm sorry!" He said and prayed for Gene to just go away. Then he turned his head, and Gene was gone. Sam could feel his heart almost physically break.
*
He was on the bus already, on the way to Birmingham, though he wasn't sure that's where he wanted to go, but this was the first bus at the station after he arrived, so he took that as a sign. As the bus left Manchester a strange silence filled the air. Everyone sank into silence around him, as if everyone had been mourning for Sam's lost life. It was funereal and it felt so appropriate. He was dead. At least to them. For a second he was pondering if he was really dead, but the pain he felt convinced him of the opposite. He sank into a deep, dreamless sleep, just to free himself from that pain for a short time.
When he woke up he was alone on the bus, everyone was gone. He was already at the bus station of Birmingham. He grabbed his only suitcase and got off.
Something was definitely strange about the whole place. He couldn’t imagine what Birmingham would be like though he had guessed it would be similar to Manchester, but that city was nothing like Manchester. It was almost empty, despite that it was daylight. Less colors, less smells, it seemed almost sterile. He started to walk down the street and tried to get used to the thought that this would be his new home.
Minutes later a woman came by, she smiled at Sam, but somehow it was wrong. Something was wrong about the whole place. As a good detective he tried to find out what was strange about the woman. Then he realised he couldn't remember the buttons on her coat. Maybe there had been no buttons on it? But how could that be?
If the Manchester of 1973 had been Mars, than the Birmingham of 1974 was Uranus. He saw doors without handles, cars without rear view mirrors.
He turned right on the next corner and bumped into a little girl. He looked down, and it was her. But that time she only smiled sadly.
"God is in the detail, Sam, isn't it?" Then she ran away, Sam turned to ask her what she meant but she had disappeared.
Then Sam saw it. There was a huge building in front of him, high, with 4 floors, but... the first floor was missing! There was no first floor! The upper stairs of the building was only floating in thin air. The other building next to it had absolutely no windows.
Sam felt nauseated. He knew it immediately. It was his mind, he didn't put so much detail in it anymore. This was the edge! The edge of his own imaginary world, the edge of his own mind. He wondered what he'd find if he went further. Maybe there would be nothing, a no man's land. He realised that he only put that detail in one life, one place. The one he had just left! He had no chance to live elsewhere! A strong wind started to blow.
"This is not fair!" He shouted. "I couldn't live in the future, I can't live in the past! What should I do now? What?" He shouted towards the sky, as if speaking to God himself. He should never have jumped from that building. He wished he had been back in the future, in his normal life. The wind seemed to wash away even more details from his world and his vision started to blur. He felt angry and powerless.
"Just let me die then! I just want everything to end!" He cried silently. "I've made mistakes, and I'm sorry. What more do you want from me?" The wind carried away his voice and he shouted once again trying to shout through it.
"What should I do now?"
*
Sam opened his eyes, he was in bed.
"What a bloody nightmare!" He murmured to himself. The other side of the huge bed was empty. His wife had surely gone to work early. He went to the kitchen to make a light breakfast before going to work, and checked the newspaper for the date. It was the 16th of April 2016.
*To be continued*