LoM Fic: Falling Apart - Part Three, Sam/Gene, Brown Cortina
Another shitty day in the office. Detective Chief Superintendent Samuel Tyler wasn't quite happy with his job. He thought it was boring. Sitting in the office was far worse than wandering the streets in uniform. He was in a meeting during the afternoon but he couldn't quite concentrate on his colleague’s words, his mind was wandering about that strange dream he had again.
It was about a world he had known, and could never forget, but it seemed so far away. He hardly thought of those months he had spent in a coma after a car accident when he had been 37. He was glad he had come back, he had missed his mom, his life, the wonders of the modern world, but from time to time he had to admit that the time he had spent in a coma was very exciting.
He found he had been thinking about it more and more since he had realized he had not been completely happy with his life. His marriage hadn't brought the happiness anymore it was supposed to. His wife, Jennifer was a wonderful and attractive woman, an architect, but she spent less and less time at home. Sam started to believe she had someone else, perhaps a colleague. He couldn't remember the last time he had been in bed with her, though no need to be jealous, he himself wasn't the statue of fidelity either. But then what was the point of their marriage?
They had no children, and lately no sexual life, just their career. After work Sam wandered the streets, gone to clubs and peep shows. That day wasn't an exception. He would pick up a nice and willing girl, bring her to a motel, or he would end up with a whore. It was all the same to him.
*
Sam was looking out of the window of the motel. The rain fell silently, each little raindrop knocking gently on the thick glass. He was thinking about the time that had never been and a life that had never been his. About people he had loved and cared for, people who had never existed. His mind was so far away from his body, he wasn't even feeling anything.
It wasn't uncommon. He hardly had feelings after the coma. His life had changed drastically, and had never become the same again. He couldn't even put his heart in his job, his heart belonged to somewhere else. He lived his life without fire and passion, sometimes he couldn't even think about it as a life.
He had stopped talking about the things he had seen in the months of the coma, because the people around him hadn't understood and had suggested that he should see a psychiatrist. And the less he had talked about it, the less he had missed it. Or at least he had thought so.
He was just lying on his back naked on the bed, looking out the window and watching the raindrops silently running down chasing each other.
The girl was riding his cock wildly, screaming and panting. She sank her red, polished nails into Sam's chest, scratching his skin, but he couldn't feel the pain or the pleasure. He felt nothing, and he didn't want to pretend he did.
The girl let out a big scream, and collapsed against Sam. She faked it, it was so obvious, but he couldn't care less. She got out of bed and searched for her bra. Sam turned to her, and saw the disappointment in her eyes. He promised her a good shag, and she felt she got nothing, but Sam couldn't feel any guilt, though he tried to seem understanding.
"I'm sorry, dear, I had a shitty day. Next time it will be better, I promise." The girl smiled, but that smile wasn't convincing; he would never see her again, and he wasn't a bit sorry about that. She shut the door as she left, leaving Sam with his thoughts and with the raindrops he couldn't help but look at. He thought about going home, but it seemed pointless so he wrapped himself in the blanket, closed his eyes, and wished for a dream of his happy days.
Then he dreamt about a high building, and flying without wings towards happiness.
*
He found himself in a very calm and very white place. No walls, no doors, no windows, just white everywhere. The whole place felt very surreal though it was very peaceful. He thought that if there was a heaven it had to be something like that. He couldn't decide if it was another dream, or he had died, and finally found his peace.
He saw a woman coming to him from nowhere, and watched her as she swayed through the big white nothingness. It was his mom, Ruth Tyler, just stepping out of his childhood dreams, she looked so young. She stepped very close to him, planting a kiss on her little boy's cheeks.
"Hello Sammy!" She greeted him as if he had been a child just arriving from school.
"Mom? What's this place? Am I dead?" Sam asked weakly, as the warmth of her kiss invaded his body, and he wished he could stay with her forever just so he could feel that warmth.
"No Sammy, you're not dead, yet. But you will be soon if don’t make your mind up. This place is the edge of your mind, as you would call it, the edge of your subconscious."
Sam couldn't stop looking into her warm, loving, blue eyes. He made his choice, he wanted to stay with her, he wouldn't abandon her again.
"You have an amazing mind, Sammy. It allowed you to live even when you were so close to death, and not just to live but to be happy. But now you don’t seem to be fond of that choice, so you must choose again. I pray for you, my son, whatever you choose, I hope you'll find happiness."
"No, Mom! I won't leave you again, I want to stay here, with you, forever." He said, taking his mother's hands in his own.
"No, Sammy. You'll find nothing here. There's no life here, that's not what I want for you."
"You are here, and that's enough for me."
"No, you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving me. I want the best for you, Sammy, I always did. You are my little boy, and I'll be always by your side. Everything I had I gave to you, everything that was good in me, is inside you now, and I'm so proud of you. You were the greatest gift in my life, something I'll always be grateful for. But this is about your life now, make the best of it, think about yourself now. Do it for me, Sammy, please!"
"I'm so confused now, I cannot choose, I don't even know what I should choose. I don't even know where I am. Am I still in a coma? What choice did I make? Did I jump?" Sam looked in her mother's eyes for answers.
"After you woke from the coma you came to me. For months I sat beside your bed and prayed for you to come back to me. And you did, and I was so happy about your fast recovery. But I knew that a part of you was lost somewhere and I could never reach it. When I heard about your suicide I was so angry. You never even told me about it. I couldn't see it coming, but I knew that you’d probably gone to a better place. I respected your choice, will you respect yours?"
"Then what is this now? About the future thing?"
"You can choose whatever life you want. But you cannot jump from one life to another, you must make up your mind."
"But if this all is happening inside my head, why can't I control it? Why couldn't I love Annie or why couldn't I make Gene love me the way I wanted?" Sam asked with tears in his eyes. It felt like he wasn't feeling anything real for a long time.
"Why do you want to control it? Controlling love, and manipulating the ones you love is like loving yourself in the dark. You'll get back nothing real. Don't control it, just feel it, even if it's hurting you. Life is short, so why shouldn't it hurt? Pain makes you feel alive, and makes you cherish the happy moments so much more. Are you prepared to face the consequences of your choice? Maybe you'll have some happy moments. Take it or leave it."
Sam stared at her for a long moment, then he let out the big breath he was holding.
"I love Gene, I know that. I love him, as I never loved anyone else in my life. Once I sacrificed my life for that love. Do you think I can go back to him? Can I find my happiness there again?"
"It only depends on you, Sam. You just have to accept the choice you made long ago, and you'll find your peace."
"You know what the saddest thing is? I became a copper to make a difference, yet I've chosen to live in my fantasy world, where my work means nothing, yet I'm enjoying it better than I did in the real world, though it bothers me sometimes that it's pointless. If I catch a killer, nothing will change."
"That didn't bother you before. What you believe to be true will be the truth for you. Time to go, Sammy. I'm so glad you came to me. I hope I could help you, and I hope you'll have a great life. Dream on, my boy!" She kissed both his cheeks cheerfully and she was gone.
"No, Mom! Come back! I need you, I still have so many questions!" Sam cried, but there weren't even walls to echo his voice, and only the silence answered him.
A strong wind came, whistling in the emptiness and Sam stood again amidst the ruins of his imaginary Birmingham, falling apart with every blow of that wind. He took a deep breath and smiled to himself. His only suitcase was still in his hand.
A bus came along and stopped before him. He could swear it was the same bus that brought him there. The driver opened the door and leaned out happily.
"What's up, Sam?" He asked.
"I've made my choice" Sam cried through the wind. "For better or for worse" And he smiled. "I want to go home! To Manchester, to Gene and Annie and my work."
"Get on! I'll take you home." Sam got on, and found himself a place to sit comfortably.
Yes, he was going home. If he could find happiness somewhere, then that would be that place. He had made the right choice when he jumped, how couldn’t he see that two days ago? This was the right place and right time for him, no doubt. And he would do everything to deserve to be loved. And even if Gene could offer him just a few moments of love, or just a deep friendship he would take it. He would take everything he could get.
He felt so tired, he fell asleep on the bus, with the engines humming only for him, singing the lullaby of joy.
*
The next time he woke up, the bus was empty again, and he was scared for a moment, that he was in the wrong place. But when he breathed the intoxicating aroma of his beloved city he knew he was at home once more.
He was thinking about where to go first as he got off the bus. It was already late at night, and he wanted to speak to Gene first, ask him if he still had a workplace to go to. There were so many things he wanted to tell him. He would be at home probably, or he would wait for him, outside his door, or perhaps in his kitchen drinking the tea that his wife would make him.
When he arrived to Gene's house, he rang the doorbell once. The sight of Gene was heartbreaking.
He seemed to be very drunk, unshaved, dirty and miserable. He just stood there for a long moment, blinking, as if he couldn't recognize the bloke standing in front of him, then with the realisation, his eyes filled with horror.
"Sam??" He asked unbelievingly. "No, no, no, no! Haven't I suffered enough? Just leave me alone for God's sake!" He cried as he backed off, moving backwards, his hands reaching for something he could cling to. Then he tripped over the rug, fell to the floor and sank into unconsciousness, leaving a very confused Sam on his doorstep.
*To be continued*
It was about a world he had known, and could never forget, but it seemed so far away. He hardly thought of those months he had spent in a coma after a car accident when he had been 37. He was glad he had come back, he had missed his mom, his life, the wonders of the modern world, but from time to time he had to admit that the time he had spent in a coma was very exciting.
He found he had been thinking about it more and more since he had realized he had not been completely happy with his life. His marriage hadn't brought the happiness anymore it was supposed to. His wife, Jennifer was a wonderful and attractive woman, an architect, but she spent less and less time at home. Sam started to believe she had someone else, perhaps a colleague. He couldn't remember the last time he had been in bed with her, though no need to be jealous, he himself wasn't the statue of fidelity either. But then what was the point of their marriage?
They had no children, and lately no sexual life, just their career. After work Sam wandered the streets, gone to clubs and peep shows. That day wasn't an exception. He would pick up a nice and willing girl, bring her to a motel, or he would end up with a whore. It was all the same to him.
*
Sam was looking out of the window of the motel. The rain fell silently, each little raindrop knocking gently on the thick glass. He was thinking about the time that had never been and a life that had never been his. About people he had loved and cared for, people who had never existed. His mind was so far away from his body, he wasn't even feeling anything.
It wasn't uncommon. He hardly had feelings after the coma. His life had changed drastically, and had never become the same again. He couldn't even put his heart in his job, his heart belonged to somewhere else. He lived his life without fire and passion, sometimes he couldn't even think about it as a life.
He had stopped talking about the things he had seen in the months of the coma, because the people around him hadn't understood and had suggested that he should see a psychiatrist. And the less he had talked about it, the less he had missed it. Or at least he had thought so.
He was just lying on his back naked on the bed, looking out the window and watching the raindrops silently running down chasing each other.
The girl was riding his cock wildly, screaming and panting. She sank her red, polished nails into Sam's chest, scratching his skin, but he couldn't feel the pain or the pleasure. He felt nothing, and he didn't want to pretend he did.
The girl let out a big scream, and collapsed against Sam. She faked it, it was so obvious, but he couldn't care less. She got out of bed and searched for her bra. Sam turned to her, and saw the disappointment in her eyes. He promised her a good shag, and she felt she got nothing, but Sam couldn't feel any guilt, though he tried to seem understanding.
"I'm sorry, dear, I had a shitty day. Next time it will be better, I promise." The girl smiled, but that smile wasn't convincing; he would never see her again, and he wasn't a bit sorry about that. She shut the door as she left, leaving Sam with his thoughts and with the raindrops he couldn't help but look at. He thought about going home, but it seemed pointless so he wrapped himself in the blanket, closed his eyes, and wished for a dream of his happy days.
Then he dreamt about a high building, and flying without wings towards happiness.
*
He found himself in a very calm and very white place. No walls, no doors, no windows, just white everywhere. The whole place felt very surreal though it was very peaceful. He thought that if there was a heaven it had to be something like that. He couldn't decide if it was another dream, or he had died, and finally found his peace.
He saw a woman coming to him from nowhere, and watched her as she swayed through the big white nothingness. It was his mom, Ruth Tyler, just stepping out of his childhood dreams, she looked so young. She stepped very close to him, planting a kiss on her little boy's cheeks.
"Hello Sammy!" She greeted him as if he had been a child just arriving from school.
"Mom? What's this place? Am I dead?" Sam asked weakly, as the warmth of her kiss invaded his body, and he wished he could stay with her forever just so he could feel that warmth.
"No Sammy, you're not dead, yet. But you will be soon if don’t make your mind up. This place is the edge of your mind, as you would call it, the edge of your subconscious."
Sam couldn't stop looking into her warm, loving, blue eyes. He made his choice, he wanted to stay with her, he wouldn't abandon her again.
"You have an amazing mind, Sammy. It allowed you to live even when you were so close to death, and not just to live but to be happy. But now you don’t seem to be fond of that choice, so you must choose again. I pray for you, my son, whatever you choose, I hope you'll find happiness."
"No, Mom! I won't leave you again, I want to stay here, with you, forever." He said, taking his mother's hands in his own.
"No, Sammy. You'll find nothing here. There's no life here, that's not what I want for you."
"You are here, and that's enough for me."
"No, you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving me. I want the best for you, Sammy, I always did. You are my little boy, and I'll be always by your side. Everything I had I gave to you, everything that was good in me, is inside you now, and I'm so proud of you. You were the greatest gift in my life, something I'll always be grateful for. But this is about your life now, make the best of it, think about yourself now. Do it for me, Sammy, please!"
"I'm so confused now, I cannot choose, I don't even know what I should choose. I don't even know where I am. Am I still in a coma? What choice did I make? Did I jump?" Sam looked in her mother's eyes for answers.
"After you woke from the coma you came to me. For months I sat beside your bed and prayed for you to come back to me. And you did, and I was so happy about your fast recovery. But I knew that a part of you was lost somewhere and I could never reach it. When I heard about your suicide I was so angry. You never even told me about it. I couldn't see it coming, but I knew that you’d probably gone to a better place. I respected your choice, will you respect yours?"
"Then what is this now? About the future thing?"
"You can choose whatever life you want. But you cannot jump from one life to another, you must make up your mind."
"But if this all is happening inside my head, why can't I control it? Why couldn't I love Annie or why couldn't I make Gene love me the way I wanted?" Sam asked with tears in his eyes. It felt like he wasn't feeling anything real for a long time.
"Why do you want to control it? Controlling love, and manipulating the ones you love is like loving yourself in the dark. You'll get back nothing real. Don't control it, just feel it, even if it's hurting you. Life is short, so why shouldn't it hurt? Pain makes you feel alive, and makes you cherish the happy moments so much more. Are you prepared to face the consequences of your choice? Maybe you'll have some happy moments. Take it or leave it."
Sam stared at her for a long moment, then he let out the big breath he was holding.
"I love Gene, I know that. I love him, as I never loved anyone else in my life. Once I sacrificed my life for that love. Do you think I can go back to him? Can I find my happiness there again?"
"It only depends on you, Sam. You just have to accept the choice you made long ago, and you'll find your peace."
"You know what the saddest thing is? I became a copper to make a difference, yet I've chosen to live in my fantasy world, where my work means nothing, yet I'm enjoying it better than I did in the real world, though it bothers me sometimes that it's pointless. If I catch a killer, nothing will change."
"That didn't bother you before. What you believe to be true will be the truth for you. Time to go, Sammy. I'm so glad you came to me. I hope I could help you, and I hope you'll have a great life. Dream on, my boy!" She kissed both his cheeks cheerfully and she was gone.
"No, Mom! Come back! I need you, I still have so many questions!" Sam cried, but there weren't even walls to echo his voice, and only the silence answered him.
A strong wind came, whistling in the emptiness and Sam stood again amidst the ruins of his imaginary Birmingham, falling apart with every blow of that wind. He took a deep breath and smiled to himself. His only suitcase was still in his hand.
A bus came along and stopped before him. He could swear it was the same bus that brought him there. The driver opened the door and leaned out happily.
"What's up, Sam?" He asked.
"I've made my choice" Sam cried through the wind. "For better or for worse" And he smiled. "I want to go home! To Manchester, to Gene and Annie and my work."
"Get on! I'll take you home." Sam got on, and found himself a place to sit comfortably.
Yes, he was going home. If he could find happiness somewhere, then that would be that place. He had made the right choice when he jumped, how couldn’t he see that two days ago? This was the right place and right time for him, no doubt. And he would do everything to deserve to be loved. And even if Gene could offer him just a few moments of love, or just a deep friendship he would take it. He would take everything he could get.
He felt so tired, he fell asleep on the bus, with the engines humming only for him, singing the lullaby of joy.
*
The next time he woke up, the bus was empty again, and he was scared for a moment, that he was in the wrong place. But when he breathed the intoxicating aroma of his beloved city he knew he was at home once more.
He was thinking about where to go first as he got off the bus. It was already late at night, and he wanted to speak to Gene first, ask him if he still had a workplace to go to. There were so many things he wanted to tell him. He would be at home probably, or he would wait for him, outside his door, or perhaps in his kitchen drinking the tea that his wife would make him.
When he arrived to Gene's house, he rang the doorbell once. The sight of Gene was heartbreaking.
He seemed to be very drunk, unshaved, dirty and miserable. He just stood there for a long moment, blinking, as if he couldn't recognize the bloke standing in front of him, then with the realisation, his eyes filled with horror.
"Sam??" He asked unbelievingly. "No, no, no, no! Haven't I suffered enough? Just leave me alone for God's sake!" He cried as he backed off, moving backwards, his hands reaching for something he could cling to. Then he tripped over the rug, fell to the floor and sank into unconsciousness, leaving a very confused Sam on his doorstep.
*To be continued*