Such a price that we pay, we've gotta be so strong...
Been a very long December. I'm so tired of anxiety and being afraid and constantly thinking that I'm dying. Enlarged spleen didn't help, but it has been getting back to normal, I think. Blood test results showed two things were high, but everything else (like wbc) were all normal, so my doc isn't concerned. It's possible that I was fighting an infection and didn't know it, but of course all I can think is that it's cancer and my very painful end is rapidly approaching. Sent me into almost hourly anxiety attacks for a solid two weeks. Dropped way too much weight way too quickly, and I'm definitely feeling it in the not-so-good ways, but I couldn't eat with the constant anxiety. Been getting better the past couple days. Looked into counseling in my area and my options are extrememly limited, not to mention Idk if I will be able to afford it. I figure once insurance rolls over into January I will call my insurance company and ask. Their website has been absolutely useless and most of the time doesn't even load. For being the third largest insurance company in the world, it's pretty pathetic.
I miss the days when my mental health was horrible, but my physical health was fine. I can handle DID and depression and being parnoid of people. I can't handle physically feeling like I'm dying in the worst ways, but no one can tell me yes or no for sure. I never used to have anxiety issues before the last couple of years.
Anyway, I am trying to get through the anxiety now that my health feels less like I'm riddled with ever-spreading tumors. So let's look at some positives.
10 good things from 2018:
Speaking of D&D, the coworker I mentined in Good Thing #8 has been making a custom D&D campaign, and he ivited me to be a player in it once he gets it finished and starts looking for players. He's been showing me little snippets of maps and mechanics ideas, but he has been keeping the lore a secret because I absolutely love lore and he enjoys teasing me about it. I'm also really excited because he wants the focus to be on exploration and lore, which means players will actually get to roleplay! Dont get me wrong, I like the group I play with now, and will continue to play with them, but it's all combat and even the combat has almost no flavor text. One turn basically goes:
Player: I run to this square. I rolled a 26. Does it hit?
DM: Yes.
Player: I'm going to hit it with my dagger for.... 43 damage.
DM: Ok, noted.
Player: Class ability extra attack with a 28, so that hits for....... 38 damage.
DM: Got it.
Player: I will spend on ki point to disengage and go over here.
DM: Anything else?
Player: Nope, turn is over.
DM: Ok, next person in initiative.
Keep in mind, our DM does love to give descriptions, like when we enter a new area or are faced with a puzzle, or when we meet an important new NPC. Personally, I love it, but the rest of the group is like "yeah, ok, so what do we need to now and where do we go next?" My coworker/friend is all about the flavor, so he wants his players to get into it and describe their attacks, not just throw out numbers. I am genuinely pretty excited! His campaign will likely be online, though, for convenience sake. I may offer up my apartment for in-person sessions, though, if all of his players are in our area. I think D&D is a lot more fun when you are physically with the others in the group, and I definitely have the space for everyone. Plus, I have been trying to find ways to get out and be around groups of people more, and this way I wouldn't have to commute anywhere. It'd be a guaranteed social event every other weekend! But I will table that thought before preemptive excitement hits. The campaign likely won't start until mid-March at the very earliest.
Also, on the subject of me trying to get out and join another social group or two, my town has its own astronomical society. The have been around for a couple decades and have a bunch of events every month. They seem really friendly on their website and have members of all levels of astronomical knowledge. The dues are only $25/year, and they have a meeting on January 9, so I want to reach out to them and ask if interested people can come and see what the club is like. I say "want to reach out" becase I am a chicken and afraid to send an email, especially since I would be joining on my own and I woldn't know anyone there. I'm extremely shy when I don't know people. I don't really have any friends in the area, though, who would be interested in joining even in the slightest. But I keep going back to the website and spending time there, so I am trying to hype myself into "just do it already" mode. I can do this (eventually)! My poor telescope would definitely love it. They encourage all members to bring their telescopes to meetings, and mine has been collecting dust since I moved a whole lot closer to the town/city and now am lucky if I see the moon, let alone stars. The group meets about 10 minutes from my apartment, at the county's nature center, and they even have a fancy observatory there. It would be so cool to join... I think I can I think I can I think I can! Bravery, I summon thee!
I hope that everyone has a great new years and can take a few minutes to reflect on all of the positives from the past year. I wish you all the best happiness, the best health, and the best luck for the upcoming 2019!
I miss the days when my mental health was horrible, but my physical health was fine. I can handle DID and depression and being parnoid of people. I can't handle physically feeling like I'm dying in the worst ways, but no one can tell me yes or no for sure. I never used to have anxiety issues before the last couple of years.
Anyway, I am trying to get through the anxiety now that my health feels less like I'm riddled with ever-spreading tumors. So let's look at some positives.
10 good things from 2018:
- Got my apartment
- I am successfullly living on my own
- I made it through my first full year at my job
- I made a couple "girlfriends" at work, and we go out for dinner every once in a while just to chat
- NaNo 2018 brought in a whole bunch of new people to the Discord server, and made this year even more awesome and successful than last year
- One of the state MLs for NaNo recommended me to be his replacement next year because of how well I did running the Discord server
- I took on a special project at work and improved upon it, and super impressed my boss and her boss
- Got back in touch with an old coworker, and we became pretty good friends over the past couple months
- I started classes for a new degree, 100% paid-for by my employer, and am off to a good start with a 4.0 GPA for the first semester
- I finally feel like a true part of the D&D group, and have become friends with all of them, and good friends with a couple of them
Speaking of D&D, the coworker I mentined in Good Thing #8 has been making a custom D&D campaign, and he ivited me to be a player in it once he gets it finished and starts looking for players. He's been showing me little snippets of maps and mechanics ideas, but he has been keeping the lore a secret because I absolutely love lore and he enjoys teasing me about it. I'm also really excited because he wants the focus to be on exploration and lore, which means players will actually get to roleplay! Dont get me wrong, I like the group I play with now, and will continue to play with them, but it's all combat and even the combat has almost no flavor text. One turn basically goes:
Player: I run to this square. I rolled a 26. Does it hit?
DM: Yes.
Player: I'm going to hit it with my dagger for.... 43 damage.
DM: Ok, noted.
Player: Class ability extra attack with a 28, so that hits for....... 38 damage.
DM: Got it.
Player: I will spend on ki point to disengage and go over here.
DM: Anything else?
Player: Nope, turn is over.
DM: Ok, next person in initiative.
Keep in mind, our DM does love to give descriptions, like when we enter a new area or are faced with a puzzle, or when we meet an important new NPC. Personally, I love it, but the rest of the group is like "yeah, ok, so what do we need to now and where do we go next?" My coworker/friend is all about the flavor, so he wants his players to get into it and describe their attacks, not just throw out numbers. I am genuinely pretty excited! His campaign will likely be online, though, for convenience sake. I may offer up my apartment for in-person sessions, though, if all of his players are in our area. I think D&D is a lot more fun when you are physically with the others in the group, and I definitely have the space for everyone. Plus, I have been trying to find ways to get out and be around groups of people more, and this way I wouldn't have to commute anywhere. It'd be a guaranteed social event every other weekend! But I will table that thought before preemptive excitement hits. The campaign likely won't start until mid-March at the very earliest.
Also, on the subject of me trying to get out and join another social group or two, my town has its own astronomical society. The have been around for a couple decades and have a bunch of events every month. They seem really friendly on their website and have members of all levels of astronomical knowledge. The dues are only $25/year, and they have a meeting on January 9, so I want to reach out to them and ask if interested people can come and see what the club is like. I say "want to reach out" becase I am a chicken and afraid to send an email, especially since I would be joining on my own and I woldn't know anyone there. I'm extremely shy when I don't know people. I don't really have any friends in the area, though, who would be interested in joining even in the slightest. But I keep going back to the website and spending time there, so I am trying to hype myself into "just do it already" mode. I can do this (eventually)! My poor telescope would definitely love it. They encourage all members to bring their telescopes to meetings, and mine has been collecting dust since I moved a whole lot closer to the town/city and now am lucky if I see the moon, let alone stars. The group meets about 10 minutes from my apartment, at the county's nature center, and they even have a fancy observatory there. It would be so cool to join... I think I can I think I can I think I can! Bravery, I summon thee!
I hope that everyone has a great new years and can take a few minutes to reflect on all of the positives from the past year. I wish you all the best happiness, the best health, and the best luck for the upcoming 2019!