[Noiseless]
Tired today. Could barely get out of bed. I know some of it is anxiety. No, not anxiety, just plain old fear.
Saw my therapist this past weekend and we went into my fear of health problems and how I still have those health problems but don't see any point in even trying with a doctor anymore because of so many reasons. She really was pushing for me to make a doc appt to follow up from January. I told her I'd try to get up the courage, and I will try, but... I really don't want to. I don't want to be disregarded again. I don't want to be told "well maybe it's X" when I've already told them that I know for a fact it is not X. Even worse, if they do take me seriously, I don't want to find out that what I feel is what I'm afraid of. I used the "meteor about to hit Earth" metaphor. if a meteor is about to hit the Earth tomorrow and I'm going to die, I don't want to know. I would rather keep living my life and not see the end coming. But she kind of took it as a smaller meteor and asked "If you knew one was coming, but you knew early enough that you could escape to the west coast and get away from it, wouldn't you want to know then?" I mean, I guess, but that is an escapable meteor, not something inescapable like a terminal illness. I'm stuck because I agree with her but I don't agree with being willing to find out potentially the worst about my health. It's... frustrating.
In lighter news... I think I have mentioned previously that I have absolutely horrible dental issues courtesy of genetics. Basically, my teeth are paper. I had a cleaning appointment on Monday, and they told me that my teeth actually look really good, with next to no plague or anything! As for my treatment plan, we only have one big section left, and I scheduled the appointment for that. The end is in sight!!! I am so beyond happy to hear that.
Let's see, what else have I been up to... I am almost finished with my certification to use the local observatory whenever I want, so that is exciting! D&D is going ok, nothing major there and thankfully the interpersonal drama between Jerboa and Flash is finally dying down. Camp NaNoWriMo starts on April 1. I am doing a few Campfires (virtual write-ins) per week for the server, and I am planning a bunch of creative activities that are more than just writing to hit a word count.
I feel like I had a whole lot more, but I can't recall. Anyway, sorry about being MIA. It's been really busy lately. Hope everyone is doing great! I will try to catch up on everyone's journals soon!
TV Shows
Lately I have been watching Kitchen Nightmares. I can honestly say that I did not expect to enjoy it s much as I do. It's not like "omg this show is the best!" It's more like... I didn't realize I'd enjoy watching a food-relate train wreck in slow motion episode after episode. There have been a couple of people, though, that I really rooted for, but then I found a site that checks to see if these places are still open and all the ones I have liked are closed now :( Ah well, it's been close to a decade now.
Books
I finally finished Flatland. It was a pretty fun little exploration of dimensions. Most people get hung up on the satire and aristocracy, but to be honest I just enjoyed it at a surface level, as a look as the dimensions. I still can't wrap my mind aorund a fourth dimension, but it fascinates me all the same.
Gaming
Started in on Destiny 2's Season of the Drifter. I really miss being in love with this game. Gambot Prime is not quite as advertised in that the "classes" they made (Sentinel/Reaper/etc) are pretty darn irrelevant and no one uses them. It seemed like it'd be a "pick your class when you enter", but instead it's just a little buff you can choose to give yourself using consumables. So essentially Gambit Prime isn't much different from normal Gambit, mechanics-wise. Haven't managed to finish The Reckoning either, because once again Bungie released nearly end-game content that is open at the start of the season, and locks the actual story behind it. Frustrating. Never made any progress at all in the Season of the Forge because of that mess. Maybe I'll just go back to playing D1...
Saw my therapist this past weekend and we went into my fear of health problems and how I still have those health problems but don't see any point in even trying with a doctor anymore because of so many reasons. She really was pushing for me to make a doc appt to follow up from January. I told her I'd try to get up the courage, and I will try, but... I really don't want to. I don't want to be disregarded again. I don't want to be told "well maybe it's X" when I've already told them that I know for a fact it is not X. Even worse, if they do take me seriously, I don't want to find out that what I feel is what I'm afraid of. I used the "meteor about to hit Earth" metaphor. if a meteor is about to hit the Earth tomorrow and I'm going to die, I don't want to know. I would rather keep living my life and not see the end coming. But she kind of took it as a smaller meteor and asked "If you knew one was coming, but you knew early enough that you could escape to the west coast and get away from it, wouldn't you want to know then?" I mean, I guess, but that is an escapable meteor, not something inescapable like a terminal illness. I'm stuck because I agree with her but I don't agree with being willing to find out potentially the worst about my health. It's... frustrating.
In lighter news... I think I have mentioned previously that I have absolutely horrible dental issues courtesy of genetics. Basically, my teeth are paper. I had a cleaning appointment on Monday, and they told me that my teeth actually look really good, with next to no plague or anything! As for my treatment plan, we only have one big section left, and I scheduled the appointment for that. The end is in sight!!! I am so beyond happy to hear that.
Let's see, what else have I been up to... I am almost finished with my certification to use the local observatory whenever I want, so that is exciting! D&D is going ok, nothing major there and thankfully the interpersonal drama between Jerboa and Flash is finally dying down. Camp NaNoWriMo starts on April 1. I am doing a few Campfires (virtual write-ins) per week for the server, and I am planning a bunch of creative activities that are more than just writing to hit a word count.
I feel like I had a whole lot more, but I can't recall. Anyway, sorry about being MIA. It's been really busy lately. Hope everyone is doing great! I will try to catch up on everyone's journals soon!
TV Shows
Lately I have been watching Kitchen Nightmares. I can honestly say that I did not expect to enjoy it s much as I do. It's not like "omg this show is the best!" It's more like... I didn't realize I'd enjoy watching a food-relate train wreck in slow motion episode after episode. There have been a couple of people, though, that I really rooted for, but then I found a site that checks to see if these places are still open and all the ones I have liked are closed now :( Ah well, it's been close to a decade now.
Books
I finally finished Flatland. It was a pretty fun little exploration of dimensions. Most people get hung up on the satire and aristocracy, but to be honest I just enjoyed it at a surface level, as a look as the dimensions. I still can't wrap my mind aorund a fourth dimension, but it fascinates me all the same.
Gaming
Started in on Destiny 2's Season of the Drifter. I really miss being in love with this game. Gambot Prime is not quite as advertised in that the "classes" they made (Sentinel/Reaper/etc) are pretty darn irrelevant and no one uses them. It seemed like it'd be a "pick your class when you enter", but instead it's just a little buff you can choose to give yourself using consumables. So essentially Gambit Prime isn't much different from normal Gambit, mechanics-wise. Haven't managed to finish The Reckoning either, because once again Bungie released nearly end-game content that is open at the start of the season, and locks the actual story behind it. Frustrating. Never made any progress at all in the Season of the Forge because of that mess. Maybe I'll just go back to playing D1...