Freezer's NFL Week in Review - Week 1
Welcome to the Week in Review - 2018 edition! Welcome to the goddamned Terrordome!
Falcons 12, Eagles 18
Kickoff 2018! And for a minute there, I thought the TNF suckage started a month early this season.
For one half, both teams' offenses looked like they were competing to see which one of them was least ready to play. The Eagles got on track in the second half, the Falcons didn't.
There appears to be two Matt Ryans: The one that was league MVP under Kyle Shanahan and the and frustratingly inconsistent QB under literally everyone else. The latter was on full display Thursday; spraying balls high and wide all night. Julio Jones did his usual thing: Rack up big numbers (10-169), disappear in the red zone.
Not that the Iggles were much better: Nick Foles almost as bad as Ryan, throwing for 114 yards and a pick. Jay Ajayi was the lone offensive bright spot for Philly (14/62, 2 TDs). But holding the Falcons to 10 points on four red zone trips is nothing to sneeze at.
But Eagles Nation is probably even more anxious to get Carson Wentz back.
Bills 3, Ravens 47
I picked the Ravens for my survivor pool this week, because I knew the Bills would be the surest bet to suck on the board. Even then I was stunned by horrible they looked.
Though I really shouldn't have been, given that this is the team that thought Nathan Peterman (he of the worst first start ever) was a viable enough option at QB, that they could jettison Tyrod Taylor and AJ McCarron and let first rounder Josh Rosen sit behind him.
The results of that gambit: 5-of-18 for 47 yards, 2 INTs, 153 total offensive yards as a team. Granted, they didn’t have Shady McCoy for the game (DNP: Legal Shenanigans), but...
Wait... He was there? And he only got eight total touches? Well, damn. It was an even bigger shit show than I thought.
Steelers 21, Factory of Sadness 21 (OT)
In a game where a tie represents a solid moral victory (in a league where “moral victories” largely don’t exist), the Browns still found multiple ways to Browns it up:
They won the turnover battle 6-1 and didn’t win the game.
What would’ve been the game-winning kick in OT was blocked by TJ “Not bitter that Dallas passed on him to draft Taco Charlton, why do you ask” Watt.
Their vaunted three-headed RB monster - Carlos Hyde, Duke Johnson and rookie Nick Chubb - produced 100 yards on 30 carries. And they were all outgained by Tyrod Taylor (8-77)
Outside of the rush numbers, Taylor was subpar, even by his own low standards (15/40 for 147, 1 TD, 1 INT)
Myles Garrett got jobbed on a Roughing The Passer call - one even the officials now admit was a bad call. A bad call that turned a third down stop and likely FG attempt into a first down and a Steeler TD on the next play.
Their 0-0-1 start marks the Browns’ best start since 2007.
On the bright side for the Steelers: James Conner proved to be a capable replacement for Le’Veon Bell, at least for one game (31-135. 2 TDs).
Bengals 34, Colts 23
Andrew Luck’s name seems to be more and more ironic as time goes on.
His triumphant return from a lost injury season was spoiled when his final drive ended in a forced fumble and return for a TD by backup safety/special teamer Clayton Fejedelem¹. He looked good 319 and 2 Tds. Unfortunately, the rest of the team was largely the same bunch he left last year: Running game non-existent (3 Colts RBs combined for 68 yards on 21 carries), defense soft (95 yards and a TD on 17 carries for Joe Mixon) and WAAAAY too reliant on Luck to pull their fat out of the fire.
Meet the new Colts, same as the old Colts.
Say that one time fast!
Titans 20, Dolphins 27
In the longest NFL game ever at 7 hours, 8 minutes (owing to four hours in weather delays), the Fish beat the TAKFA Oilers on a Jakeem Grant kickoff return in the fourth quarter.
The Titans were further hamstrung by injuries: Marcus Mariota, TE Delanie Walker and T Taylor Lewan were all knocked out of the game, with Walker lost for the season with a broken ankle.
Lost in all this was Ryan Tannehill’s return to action. And he was aggressively okay: 20 for 28, 230 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs.
Niners 16, Vikings 24
The Jimmy Garoppolo Magical Mystery Tour came to a screeching halt Sunday, as the Vikings defense brought every fear Niner Nation had about their offense to bear (especially an offense without Jerick McKinnon). Alfred Morris and Matt Breida combined for 84 yards on 23 carries, their leading receiver was whodat TE George Kittle and they were 5 of 13 on third down conversions.
If only the Vikings could have brought this kind of heat to the NFC championship game. (BUUUURN!)
Texans 20, Patriots 27
The game was not as close as the score would indicate.
Tom Brady played pitch-and-catch with Gronk all night and let (spins Wheel of Patriot RBs) Rex Burkhead and (spins again) Jeremy Hill do the rest on the ground as the Pats controlled the game on the way to a seven point win.
Deshaun Watson looked shaky in his return from a season-ending injury (lot of that going around this week), fumbling the handoff on Houston’s first offensive play and generally not getting better from there (17 of 34 for 175, 1 TD, 1 INT)
It’s Week 1, so both teams have plenty of time to work out any kinks (if possible).
But while we’re here: Two things about the aforementioned Rob Gronkowski
I have been hearing more and more people call Gronk the GOAT tight end. In a world where Gronk has missed as many games as he has AND Tony Gonzales and Antonio Gates exist, I struggle to understand how Gronk is the gold standard.
Don’t know if it’s just Trey Wingo calling him this.. But dammit man: “Dancing Bear” is not a compliment! I know you probably think it means “Big and nimble”. It actually means “Big and ridiculous looking” (You know, as was the point of the actual dancing bears). Words mean things, dammit!
Bucs 48, Saints 40
Who knew Tampa Bay/New Orleans would be the game of the week?
Fitzmagic and the Bucs outlasted Breesus and the Saints in an unexpected shootout upset victory.¹ Fitzpatrick threw for 417 and 4 TDs (including two 50+ yard bombs) and generally increased the level of error the Bucs will make when Rapey McCrablegs gets back from suspension and they bench Fitzpatrick in favor of him. Drew Brees countered with 439 yards and 3 TDs, but got little help from the defense or the running game.²
Of course we’ll see if this performance was the exception or the rule for both teams going forward.
And congrats to Saints WR Michael Thomas for breaking the team’s single game receiving record with 16 catches. Which makes me realize that I can’t recall a single saints WR that rose to the level of Great. Eric Martin, Joe Horn, Donte Stallworth, Marques Colston... All just “good.” I suppose there was Wes Chandler, but he didn’t blow up until he was traded to San Diego.
Adjectives!
Who knew they’d miss Mark Ingram that much?
Jaguars 20, Giants 16
Saquon Barkley scored on a beautiful 68-yard run.
The rest of his day was 17 for 38.
The one knock on Barkley coming into the 2018 draft was that he was “boom or bust”: He was going to go for big yards or no yards. Through the preseason and game one,that seems to be bearing out.
And while Eli still has 15 games to get better, this looked the Eli Manning that's made fans scram for the Giants to draft a sucessor¹ (224yds, 1 INT, no TDs).
And Blake Bortles still sucks.
How’d that Davis Webb thing work out?
Chiefs 38, Chargers 28
It’s Only Week One™, but it looks like the Chefs made the right choice at quarterback. Patrick Mahomes played pitch and catch with Tyreek Hill, going for a total of 256 and 4 TDs, with Hill accounting for 169 and 2 of that and the Chefs took out the LA Schleprocks.
Marmalard ($1 to Deadspin) was rock solid (424 yards, 3 TDs, 1 INT). But as usual, it was for naught.
Fucksnyders 24, Cardinals 6
Adrian Peterson’s Washington debut (26/96, 1 TD) and David Johnson’s return from injury (3/37, 1 TD) were the only reasons to give a single solitary fuck about this game.
And, as always, fuck Dan Snyder.
Cowboys 8, Panthers 16
With the exception of a major injury, everything that Cowboys fans were afraid would go wrong on offense did. The o-line got dominated by Carolina’s front seven, Dak was inaccurate and made bad choices all day and the play calling helped absolutely none of that. Oh and Brett Maher’s first kick? 47-yard miss.
*sigh* Yup.
All of which wasted a solid effort by the defense, who kept Cam Newton in check, mostly. Would they have won this game with a healthy Travis Fredrickson?¹ Maybe, may not. But they probably don’t look that hapless on offense.
ETA: And while we're here: The year's first Tall Glass of STFU goes to current Free Agent WR Dez Bryant, for his trolling of his former employers after the loss.
While I totally understand the desire the clown the guys that you feel did you wrong... Dez, bubleh... Did you consider that immature shit like this is why no one's ringing your bell right now?² Get the gig, then be an ass, son!
Or Jason Witten? Or Dez Bryant?
2. That and the fact that you've already turned down two viable offers.
Seahawks 24, Broncos 27
People were wondering which Case Keenum would show up Sunday: the one who had a career renaissance last season, or the middling journeyman he’d been up to that point?
The answer: Both. Keenum threw for 329 and 3 TDs, but also kept Seattle in the game with three INTs. But the star of the game for Denver was Von Miller, who racked up three sacks, two forced fumbles and a recovery and basically had the defensive performance of the week.¹
It’s Only Week One™,but things are not off to a stellar start for the (team formerly known as) Legion of Boom.
For about a day. More on that below.
Bears 21, Packers 24
This was a game of two halves:
First Half: The Bears defense swarmed the Packers. Khalil Mack looked like the second coming of Lawrence Taylor, with two sacks, a forced fumble with recovery and a pick 6. Discount Double Check looked like he might be done for games plural with a leg injury. And Mitchell Trubisky was wheeling and dealing.
Second Half: Rodgers got his Willis Reed on coming out on basically one leg and leading a uptempo offense that managed to blunt the Bears’ pass rush. At the same time, Matt Nagy and the Bears got weirdly conservative on offense, which only served to aid in the Cheeseheads’ comeback.
Watching Rogers just take teams apart down the stretch - when everybody knows it’s coming - is strangely hypnotic.
Jets 48, Lions 17
This was supposed to be the year! This is when the Lions finally get their running game going@ They drafted Kerryon Johnson. They brought in Legarrette Blount . Theo Riddick is back and healthy!
They went a combined 13 for 34.
A result not helped by Matt Patricia and Jim Bob’s utter lack of confidence in their run game: Fourth quarter, seven minutes left: Second and one on the Jets’ 35, down 48-17, Matt Cassel in for an injured Stafford. You’d think the choices would be “go for the end zone” or “grind out the first down and keep going.” Shotgun all three plays: Incomplete short right, incomplete short right, short right INT.
Can’t really say how much of that scenario was bad play calling and how much was Matt Cassel. But if the coaching staff doesn’t adjust for situation and personnel, that’s bad coaching.
: Four INTs, including a pick six. Not to mention the Lions D getting repeatedly gashed all night by the Jets offense.²
And if you didn’t know that Sam Darnold was the youngest Week 1 starter since the merger or that Brett Favre also threw a pick six on his first pass, you obviously didn’t watch this game. Because they brought both facts up A LOT.
All the turnovers, half the success!
When was the last time you could say that about the Jets?
Rams 30, Raiders 13
Jon Gruden’s official return to an NFL sideline ended in a loss that capped off an 0-7 week for new head coaches. Team Why Didn’t You Resign Khalil Mack You Penny PInching Arrogant Dumbasses stayed with the Rams for a half.
Then the Rams remembered “We’re a Super Bowl contender and these are a bunch of AFC also rans who traded their best player because reasons” and outscored the Raiders 23-0 in the second half.
Because we’re not allowed to have nice things.
Unless you are a Rams fan or a Gruden hater. I’m in the latter camp, so things are golden, thanks for asking.
ETA #2: And speaking of Gruden hate: Double shot of STFU for Chucky, both Khalil Mack flavored.
- In a taped interview with ESPN's Lisa Salters, Gruden claimed that "Khalil Mack didn’t want to play here." Bullshit, Chucky. He didn't want to play there for the money you were offering. That is not the same thing (See also: John Elway claiming Colin Kaepernick turned down a job offer with Denver). And even if it was, how would you know? You never talked to him!
- Post game presser: "Obviously, we didn't get to Goff enough, and we didn't get to Gurley enough. We'll take a good look at the reasons why we didn't." Gee, Jon... Seems like an elite pass rushing lineback might have helped there. Shame you didn't have one (anymore)...