Freezer's 2018 #NFL Week in Review - Week 5
Welcome to the Week in Review, where this week’s theme is “Yay! [insert name here] is back from suspension”
Colts 24, Patriots 38
Yay! Julian Edelman is back (and I guess Robert Turbin as well)!
And just in time to not catch Dreamboat's 500th TD pass¹. That honor went to Josh "Full Count on my career" Gordon, as the Pats coasted to a win over Andrew Luck and the Pips.² I'm not about to declare the Pats back on track based on one win over an undermanned Colts team. But they did look significantly stronger than they had previously this season.
It's a feather in the cap of Luck that the Colts stayed as close as they did, as the Colts shed parts like a stolen AMC Pacers: losing five players during the game, in addition to the five starters already missing the game, including TY Hilton, the D-Wade to Luck's Lebron.
And speaking of Dreamboat: It’s pretty much a given that Tom Brady is the G.O.A.T QB, barring holdouts like myself who still wave the Joe Montana banner. But I’ve been thinking recently: In Brady’s 19-and-counting seasons, in how many of those seasons was Brady considered the best QB in the league, at that time? His first few years? There was an in-his-prime Brett Favre, Kurt Warner and the Greatest Show On Turf, a pre-injury Daunte Culpepper and an ascendant Peyton Manning and Donovan McNabb.. In his true prime, it was pretty much a coin flip between him and Manning. Manning’s stats were such that it wasn’t until Brady got ring number three that And during that time, Drew Brees and ben Rapelisberger rose to prominence to muddy the waters further. By the time Brady was racking up those rings, enter Aaron Rodgers he’s only been first team All-Pro three times in those 19 years. But he was league MVP those three times.
Granted, three MVPs and five rings is one hell of a claim to the throne. I just don't think it’s as unquestionable as some do that Tom Brady is the best ever. Put a pin in this. We’ll be coming back to this later.
Placing him third behind Peyton Manning (539) and Brett Favre (508), respectively.
Although the musical analogy would probably be more accurately the Jackson 5: Luck is Michael, T.Y. Hilton is Jermaine and there's 51 assorted Marlons, Jackies and Titos.
Titans 12, Bills 13
Yes, you're supposed to expect inconsistencies from a younger team like the Titans. They look like they're going to take the next step one week and look like a first pick candidate the next.
And then you have a game where you have TWO such teams. A game with 444 yards of total offense between the two teams. A game where Marcus mariota and Josh Allen combined for 212 yards passing. Where the two teams traded field goals all day.
A game that's gotten more attention than it deserves. Moving on.
Dolphins 17, Bengals 27
Yay! Vontaze Burfict is back! What are the odds he lasts the season before getting suspended again for being a dumbass?
If you want to know why I don't believe in the 4-1 Bengals, games like this are why. They didn't so much have a major comeback (24 unanswered in the furth) as the Dolphins shit the bed in embarrassing fashion.¹ fueled by Ryan Tannehill throwing two Pick 6s. The Fish have gone from a surprising 3-0 to 3-2, with this dud of a loss combined with last week's stomping by the Patriots.
Back to the Bengals: Yeah, they're 4-1, but how many of those wins say "This is a different Bengals team?" (PROTIP: None of them! We've seen this movie and its sequels before).
Is there a non-embarrassing way to shit the bed?
Ravens 9, Browns 12
Yay! Jimmy Smith is back! It didn’t help the Raven at all!
With this win, the Browns have doubled their win total of the previous two seasons.
Let that sink in. Two wins was enough to double up their wins from 2016 AND 2017. That’s how bad the Browns were. And they're getting steadily better. And I attribute none of that growth to Hue Jackson, who I would argue the Browns are improving despite, not because of..
While both teams' defenses stood out, Baker "Johnny Football Without The Mental issues" Mayfield made just enough plays, while the veteran Joe Flacco turned back into the Flacco that they drafted Lamar Jackson to backstop. And that wasn't helped by Michael Crabtree getting a serious case of the dropsies. And all that wasn't helped by Younger Harbaugh calling plays with the seeming intent of propping Flacco up, rather than win. Or that's the way it looked, with their Jason Garrett-esque abandoning of the run in the half.
Packers 23, Lions 31
The Lions are 2-3, with wins vs. the Packers and Patriots, and losses vs. the Jets, Niers and Cowboys.
Because that tells you what kind of team the Lions are.
Of course, it helps when your opponent's kicker (in this case, Packer mainstay Mason Crosby) misses four field goals and an extra point and Discount Double Check loses two fumbles fot the second time in his career.
No doubt this will be more fodder in the ongoing Aaron Rodgers vs. Mike McCarthy feud. Much like Jason Garrett (and you bet your ass I'll be getting to that one later), I have no idea why McCarthy still has a job. His play calling sucks, his star player is openly calling him out and that one Super Bowl win only goes so far. Something tells me, barring a Super Bowl run, the Packers will be introducing head coach #15 in March.
Jaguars 14, Chiefs 30
Well, then.
The Jags were supposed to be the speed bump for Showtime Mahomes: The truest test of their offensive might to date (and probably until the playoffs). And indeed, they did manage to slow Mahomes down, even giving him his first two interceptions.
And it didn’t help.
Though that’s mostly due to Blake Bortles pulling a Fitztragic and reverting to his pre-2017 self, throwing four INTs and eating five sacks and generally making the otherwise trash KC defense look like the old Derrick Thomas/Neil Smith teams.
Next week vs. the Pats and Week 11 vs. the Rams might be the only real tests the Chiefs get before the playoffs.
Which just makes the anticipation of how Andy Reid is going to screw it up in the end that much more intense.
Broncos 16, Jets 30
Yay! Rashard Robinson is back!
Weren’t the Broncos supposed to be good this year?
Oh, yeah: Vance Joseph. Moving on!
Falcons 17, Steelers 41
Yay! Antonio Brown is back!
What do you mean "he was there the whole time?"
AB and Big Ben Rapelisberger consensually hooked up for two second half TDs as the Steelers steamrolled a Falcons team still trying to re-find their Super Bowl mojo. James "Don't call me 'Sarah'" Conner contributed 185 scrimmage yards to the onslaught.
If you go by the box score, the Falcons' offense was 75% dump offs to TE Austin Hooper. Mike Vick would proud.
Giants 31, Panthers 33
Yay! Josh Mauro is back! Who the hell is Josh Mauro?
Not sure who should feel worse here: The Giants for letting this game get away or the Panthers for needing a 63-yard last second kick from Graham Gano (AND a muffed punt recovery in the end zone) to beat the friggin’ Giants at home?
And yes, Eric Reid did kneel during the playing of the National Anthem.¹ Which shows that the Panthers are truly under new management. I think Jerry Richardson would’ve come out of the owner’s suite and tackled Reid himself.
I remain convinced that those players who still protest and speak out are doing so more to stick it to those who say they can’t.
Raiders 10, Chargers 26
He’s under contract for 9 more seasons, Raider Nation. Remember that!
Also: Yay! Corey Liuget is back! Any bit of pass rush should help the Bolts going forward.
Also also: Yay! Daryl Worley is back! I’ll pause whilst you dance and cavort over this news.
Vikings 23, Eagles 21
Yay! Kentrell Brothers is back! He’ll fix that defense!
The Vikes got back on track with a needed road win over the defending champs. Both QBs were solid: Kirk Cousins and Carson Wentz both going over 300 with and a TD (with Wentz tacking on a second). ONce again, neither guy got much help from his running game. The Eagles got the worst of this as well, with Jay Ajayi seemingly lost for the season with an ACL tear.
At this point, the NFC East is there for the taking, for anyone who can get their act together long enough to claim it. (Put a pin in that one)
Cardinals 28, Niners 18
And with this Arizona win, there is officially no chance for a team to pull “0-16: The Threequel.” Shame, that.
Rams 33, Seahawks 31
The Rams continue their “Yes, Jeff Fisher Was The Problem ” tour. The Artists Formerly Known As The Legion of Boom used 14 points off two Jared Goff INTs to keep it close. But ultimately, it was the Todd Gurley show, scoring 3 Tds on 22-of-77 rushing.
The Earl Thomas-less Seattle defense acquitted themselves well, all things considered. Though the 0 sacks might be something to look into.
Cowboys 16, Texans 19 (OT)
Yay! David Irving is ba... WHAT DO YOU MEAN “THEY’RE GOING TO SIT HIM THIS WEEK?!”
SIGH. Fuck.
It’s Overtime. It’s 4th-and-1 on your opponent’s 43. You have the most expensive offensive line in the NFL, the league’s leading rusher and a 230-lb, uber-athletic QB. What is your call?
If you’re Clappy The Red-Haired Clown, you punt.
You fucking punt.
And then you lose, because what? You think Bill O’Brien will gag in the red zone again? Not a bad thought, necessarily. EXCEPT IT’S OVERTIME AND A FIELD GOAL IS ALL THEY NEED A THAT POINT! And as if to hammer this point home: Watson hits his longest pass of the night to Deandre Hopkins, to the Dallas 27. Three plays later: Field Goal, game over.
This was only game five. The NFC East is literally anyone’s game. And if the Cowboys are going to make a real run, they need to make a move: Jason Garrett and Scott Linehan need to go and they need to go yesterday.
I know this probably won’t happen, as Trader Jerry has only fired a coach mid-season once (Garrett’s predecessor, Wade Phillips, to be precise) and his is as loathe as his buddy Donald Trump to admit defeat (and twice as reticent to take proactive measures to correct course¹). But this season is going to go down the 8-8 tubes if Jerry doesn’t pull his head out of his ass and fire the entire offensive staff. It is so damned frustrating to watch my team muddle through another season because the man in charge won’t clean up his own mess.
And yes, I include the atrocious receiving corps in that mess.
Not that O’Brien covered himself in glory. His play calling in the red zone seemed designed more to get Watson hit than to score. The plays that did click were due more to Watson and Hopkins’ freaky athleticism than to any scheme brilliance. Right now, it’s a four-way race between O'Brien, Clappy, Vance Joseph and Dirk Koetter to see who gets the axe first.
Unless that measure is “Overpay in a panic trade” (Yes, I’m still mad about the Roy Williams trade)
Fucksnyders 19, Saints 43
Yay! Mark Ingram’s back! He was not really needed!
This night was all about Drew Brees, as he passed Peyton Manning for the all-time lead in passing yards. He finished the night with 363 yards and 3 TDs - including the record-breaker: A 62-yard TD to a wide open Tre’Quan Smith.
Not a lot of people have Breesus in their top 10 all-time QBs. I think a lot of people - myself included - need to re-evaluate. He’s the all-time leader in yards and completions. He has five 5,000 yard seasons (no one else has more than one). Barring injury, he joins the 500 TD club next week and he has an outside shot of passing Manning for the TD crown this year. He’s the friggin’ Nolan Ryan of the NFL. Dude has earned his spot among the all-time elite.
Same goes for The Artist Formerly Known As Purple Jesus. Adrian Peterson has earned a league MVP, seven All-Pro selections (4 First Team), three rushing titles, the single-game rushing rushing record and a 2000 yard season. He deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as the Browns, Paytons, Smiths and Sanders of the NFL.
Sure, he was ass this game (4 carries, 6 yards), but so were the rest of the Fucksnyders,