Freezer's 2018 #NFL Week in Review - Week 6
Welcome to the Week in Review. Melancholy Happy Trails to Jim Taylor, Paul Allen and Alex Spanos.
Eagles 34, Giants 13
I'm not sure how much you can take away from beating down a team on the short list for "League's Worst". I do know that the Eagle's RB-by-committee (by necessity) will scare exactly no one as runners (Wendell Smallwood and Corey Clement combined for 94 yards on 29 carries). A status that won't exactly be improved when Darren Sproles returns.
I do also know that the Giants' current dire straits are completely self-inflicted. Eli Manning looks just as bad as he did last year and they don't even have the fig leaf of Davis Webb waiting in the wings (and a far lesser crop of QBs entering the 2019 draft).¹ The offensive line is still trash. In addition to clinging to the fantasy that they could get something out of Ereck Flowers, they put nearly all their eggs in the Nate Solder basket, and he's been average at best. The defense is solid enough, but there's only so much they can do when the offense is constantly going three and out or turning the ball over.
And somewhere, Ben McAdoo is laughing a bitter laugh of schadenfreude.
- He's currently with the Jets, in case you were wondering.
Bucs 29, Falcons 34
Bucs defensive coordinator Mike Smith was fired the day after his unit gave up 400+ yards of offense , over 30+ points and at least three passing TDs¹ for the fourth time in five games.²
At least the Falcons have had all the injuries on the defensive side. What's Tampa's excuse?
LB coach Mark Duffner will replace Smith, incheritign a defense dead last in yards and points allowed. A defense that has allowed 15 TDs on 16 red zone possessions, with zero sacks or INTs. A defense that has nine total sacks, five of them by Ol' Lefty himself, Jason Pierre-Paul.
Good luck with that, sir!
- Including the six they gave up to Mitch Trubisky
- They only gave up 27 pts and one passing TD to Philly in Week 2. Which was also the last game they won.
Chargers 38, Browns 14
That there was some classic Browns Brownsing.
Every talking head wants to make a big deal over the fact that the LA Red-Haired Stepchildren's two losses have come from arguably the two best teams in the league: Kansas City and the Rams.
They keep skipping over the fact that those four wins, including this one, have come from the Bills, Niners, Raiders and Browns: The two worst teams in the AFC, a Niner team fresh off losing Jimmy Gesus for the season and an improved, but still-not-good Browns team.
San Diego Los Angeles Super Chargers, indeed.
And considering he’s throwing to the Browns’ practice squad (plus Jarvis Landry), Baker Not!Manziel is putting up respectable numbers.
Colts 34, Jets 42
The Jets continue their ascent from "Trash Fire" to "Not good, but respectable". The Sam Darnold Jets treated the (surviving) '68 Jets to the Jets' first back-to-back wins since Weeks 3-5 of last year.
Mostly due to a franchise record seven field goals from Jason Meyers, but they'll take what they can get, I'd imagine.
I can only imagine Andrew Luck is seriously wondering why he bothered coming back, at this point.
Seahawks 27, Raiders 3 (London)
Six down, One hundred fifty-four to go, Raider Nation!
And if you don’t think the Raiders have checked out on this season:
Some possible personal perspective from #Raiders DE Bruce Irvin? "We lost, but I've got a beautiful wife I get to go home to, boy. I'm going to try to make some babies, man."
- Paul Gutierrez (@PGutierrezESPN) October 14, 2018
Panthers 17, Fucksnyders 23
Let me be up front: I will never give the Washington Redhawks credit for anything. Did I mention fuck them? Because fuck them.
I will give no credit to Captain Checkdown, Alex Smith.
I will give no credit to a defense that received three turnovers.
I will give no credit to Adrian Peterson defying father time and putting up big numbers.
Fuck Washington and fuck the Panthers for losing to them.
Bills 13, Texans 20
Let’s be straight here: If Josh Allen doesn’t get hurt, the Texans lose this game.
Or rather, if Josh Allen doesn’t get hurt and they dont’ run Nathan Peterman out there AGAIN.
Seriously, why do the Bills keep doing this to this poor guy? He’s played a game and a half this season and thrown four INTs - all of them horrible. Scuttlebut is that if Sean McDermott even thinks about starting Peterman again, there’s going to be a full-on mutiny in the Bills locker room.
And if I were Nathan Peterman, I’d be at the front of the mob.
Cardinals 17, Vikings 27
Missing
Running Back. Age: 26. Last Seen: September 2017.
Answers to “David”
Steelers 26, Bengals 21
If you look at the list of coaches that have been with their teams since 2009, five of the six coaches who qualify¹ have one thing in common: A Super Bowl win.
Each one of those five men have more championship rings than the sixth - Marvin Lewis, the second-longest tenured coach in the league behind Darth hoodie - has playoff wins. We’ve seen this scenario playout for more than fifteen seasons: Feast on a weak water AFC North, pick up a few notable wins here and there, look like a contender, then get trucked in the playoffs. And in between, getting owned by the Steelers.
And through it all, Marvin Lewis survives and moves along like a mulatto Rasputin.
This year looks no different.
* wipes the number from the “_ Games Since Vontaze Burfict Made A Dirty Play” board*
Bill Belichick, Mike McCarthy, Sean Payton, Mike Tomlin and John Harbaugh, in case you were wondering.
Bears 28, Dolphins 31 (OT)
In this week’s episode of Khalil Mack Ruins Your Week, the Bears rode to victory thanks to...
Wait, what do you mean “They lost to the Dolphins?”
What do you mean “Brock Osweiler beat them?” “Frank Gore ran for 101 on 15 carries?” “The Bears got no sacks and only four QB hits? Mack only had two tackles the entire game?”
What kind of bizarro world bullshit is this?
Rams 23, Broncos 20
The clock has started on benching Case Keenum for Chad Kelly, right?
And “Gurley for MVP”.
Ravens 21, Titans 0
107 total yards of offense.
11 sacks surrendered..
Haven’t scored a TD in two games.
And they’re taking this shit show to London this week.
We apologise in advance, London. Again.
Jaguars 7, Cowboys 40
We haven’t seen this kind of offense from Dallas since Tony Romo had all his vertebrae.
More vertical passing! Moer called runs for Dak! Less predictability! The offense holding up its end of the bargain!! This is what Cowboys Nation has been begging for!
So why isn’t this making me happier?
Oh, right: Every game like this brings Clappy The Clown and Scott Offtacklerigthahan one step closer to returning in 2019. SIGH.
This is the second straight game where the vaunted Jaguars’ vaunted defense got worked. And without Leonard Fournette, this offense has no chance if the defense isn’t playing at maximum levels.
And Blake Bortles sucks. But you all knew that.
Chiefs 40, Patriots 43
The Sunday Night Game (now with twice the quarterback fellating) lived up to the hype, as Tom Brady outdueled his heir apparent, Patrick ‘I Will Not Call Him ‘Showtime’. Stop Trying To Make That A Thing” Mahomes.
This would seem to pump the brakes on declaring the Chiefs the Super Bowl favorites out of the AFC and declaring this is the year the Patriots finally bite it.¹ Buuuuut... The Chiefs gave the Pats everything they wanted and then some. And, eventually, they’re getting Justin Houston and Eric Berry back to help shore up that sieve of a defense.
It would not surprise me at all if this is the matchup for the AFC Title Game.
If nothing else, you’ve seen the rest of the AFC East, right?
Niners 30, Packers 33
This was supposed to be a cakewalk for the Pack, right? A home game vs. the reeling, wounded Niners. A Niner team led by CJ Beathard.
Instead it took another one of Discount Double Check’s patented last drive comebacks to beat down the plucky underdogs.
Sure they got bailed out by three Niner turnovers and an iffy illegal contact penalty on Richard Sherman. But a win’s a win.
It was also a nice bounce back for Mason Crosby after last week’s 5-miss nightmare.
I could get used to games like these in prime time!