Oh, Sister.
((The Nicene/Balthasair theme: "O' Sister", City and Colour))
Sometimes, I think I am no longer broken. I feel like I might have finally fit all of the shattered pieces back together, and while they will never be perfect again, at least they are whole. At least I am whole.
Then I go and do something stupid like kiss my brother.
It would be easier if I didn't think of him that way. If I felt like I did a year ago, and looked at Balthasair as a creature masquerading as my brother's corpse, then this would not have happened. If I looked at him as a man with a flaw (albeit an irreversible one that leaves him an undead construct with a vampiric weapon tha---fuck it), then I wouldn't feel so strangely about it. I'd be happy to have someone to share affection with. Wouldn't I?
Regarding that - where is Kav? I don't think I told him where I'm we're staying. I've looked around for him but I haven't looked really hard. Do I want to find him again? We made those silly sort of plans that new lovers make, to take a trip somewhere exotic and warm, where I need never put on more than a bikini, and promised to keep each other satiated and sweaty for days.
He is a good guy, and fun to be around, and he treated me like I was spun of suga-- no, he treated me like I was made of titansteel, like he could not break me no matter how hard he tried, and oh how I asked him to. He left bruises on me, and I wanted more.
I need that. Balthasair could never give it to me. He is a gentle ---
Why do I insist that he is gentle? He is a death knight, he is undead, he slaughtered the last woman he said he loved, he stole her soul and then tried to raise her from the dead and had I not been there, he very well might have succeeded at it.
There is a part of me that says I ought to send Balthasair away, or that I ought to leave him. I'm not a good person for him to have near; he doesn't do anything but follow me around. I shouldn't be asking my brother to be the person who carries all of my burdens, and yet even if I didn't ask, he would take them from me silently and bear them upon his shoulders, because that is who he is. And this is why I showed him nearly everything. I let him into my mind for the very first time, and I tried to keep everything controlled. I showed him when I met Patrick, and the cage in Lordaeron, and then, because I could not keep it a secret any longer, I showed him what happened at the Harbour nearly a year ago now, when the man I loved blasphemed what I held sacred in our relationship, and violated my trust.
If Patrick ever shows his face again, my brother will kill him. It won't fix the parts of me that man wrecked, but maybe I can begin fitting those shards into the whole of my life instead of letting them cut me again and again. I'm tired of bleeding over memories, even if I've been getting better at ignoring those wounds.
When I was with Kav and thought of Balthasair, I hoped only that my brother was doing well without me. When I am with Balthasair and think of Kav, I wonder how he is, and whether he thinks of me at all.
When I am with neither of them, I feel guilty.
And far too alone to bear.
((The log of their kiss & the visions & the conversation is here. It is 18+, and contains more in-depth depictions of incest & rape.))