(no subject)
Oh hi there, LJ. I haven't been posting for a while (not that I ever update regularly, but let's pretend I do) - lately, I just have no idea how I'm actually feeling and my mood is taking roller-coaster swings from happy upbeat and overly optimistic to something I'd describe as "not-wanting-to-do-anything-and-that-includes-working-sleeping-eating-and-breathing". I don't know is it a result of that, or the reason, but it feels as if lately I can't do anything right and things just fall out of my hands. This particular time of the year is not very easy for me, because somewhere around this date I once lost a person who was, and in a way still is very precious to me. Naturally, it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately and got me thinking about a lot things. Mostly I've been thinking how much it made me feel like the whole world is crumbling beneath my feet back then and how much my life has changed since then. It's hard to put those thoughts into words, but I think in a way it showed me a lot about the fragility of the human nature, how even losing one of your most precious people means so little in the grand scheme of things and eventually life comes back to its usual flow. But at the same time it has shown me that there still are people I care about and people who care about me. And for them -and for myself- I have to keep trying and bring myself out of whatever hole of self-pity and failure I've dropped into. I already gave myself a lot of promises that starting tomorrow/next week/next month I'll start working harder and shape myself to whatever direction I want to live on, but it usually turns an "I'll do it tomorrow" thing and I end up disappointed in myself. But this time I really want for this to be true - I have so many things I want to change for the better and make it so every new morning brings me excitement instead of resentment and disappointment. I can only hope that this time I'll actually manage to go with it - everything I hope for might not come true so instantly, but I will feel better knowing that I'm at least trying.
Oh, and as always, I have no plans re: Valentine's day, since I'm proudly sporting the Forever Alone flag, but I actually don't feel any emotional hangover over that. I'm single every other day of the year, so I'm not sure why it would matter now. As well as I'm not a big fan of showing your love only one day per year and in the form of Hallmark cards and chocolates. I'd rather choose having this day for myself and spending an evening with a book and a cup of my favorite coffee. But nevertheless, whether you're enjoying this day alone, like I do, or whether you have someone to share it with, I wish you a happy Valentine's day! May it be a nice one. ♥