A QUICK GUIDE TO TROLL ROMANCE
Because it is 7am and apparently I hate myself.
First, let's say you had to describe human romance using one symbol. You would go with ♥! Or a broken heart if you are particularly bitter. Whatever.
Troll romance is best described using four symbols, which are probably stupidly familiar to you. They are ♥, ♦, ♣ and ♠.
We shall call each of these symbols a quadrant, and they are arranged like so:
♥ ♦
♠ ♣
These quadrants are named, in left to right order: Flushed (Hearts), Pale (Diamonds), Caliginous (Spades) and Ashen (Clubs).
The quadrants are arranged in four different pairs: first, there is the Red romance. As you have guessed it, that half stands for ♥ & ♦. Second, there is Black romance, or ♠ & ♣. These first two are opposite pairs.
Third, we have what we call the Conciliatory quadrants, or ♦ and ♣. Its counterpart are the Concuspiscent quadrants, aka ♥ and ♠. You now totally understand why I arranged them like that up there.
Red romance is rooted in positive emotions. Black romance is rooted in negative emotions. This is pretty much self-explanatory.
Conciliatory VS Concuspiscent, on the other hand, refers to the nature of relationship it falls into. Concuspiscent, which is a stupid made-up word as you have already guessed, refers to how both ♥ and ♠ are used in facilitating the TROLL REPRODUCTIVE CYCLE. You now wish I had never uttered those words because all the trolls are thirteen ew. To be more blunt and spare you the pain of hearing me explain how trolls reproduce, I will cut it short and say that Concuspiscent means you can have sex. This is a sexual relationship. Yay.
Conciliatory, on the other hand, is similar to friendship. Only not really. It is a weird mix of friendship and other platonic relationships that don't end in doing the nasty in a bucket. Oops, sorry. I said I wouldn't talk about troll sex.
Even though we wouldn't call relationships in the Conciliatory half of the quadrants "romance", trolls are just as compelled to fulfill these relationships as most humans are to find a significant other. Trolls are so weird. Moving on, because this is just supposed to be term explanations, god Zia.
The Flushed quadrant (♥) partnership is called a Matespritship. It is pretty much the equivalent of human romance. FALL IN LOVE. HAVE BABIES. SLOPPY MAKE-OUTS EVERYWHERE. It is the best quadrant because I don't have to explain shit. Love your matesprits.
The Caliginous quadrant (♠), however, is not something that makes any kind of sense to us whatsoever. Unless you are into hatesex. The term for this partnership is a Kismesitude. Yes, the terms are going to get stupider as we go on. A Kismesis is something of a HATED ENEMY and VERY POTENT RIVAL. This also plays a part in troll reproduction, because Trolls Are Weird. But seriously it's hate sex. If hate sex ended up with one of the partners possibly dying if they showed weakness to the other. :D
I will now mention that these two are involved in making an "incestuous slurry", and now you are all seriously glad I am not explaining what troll sex and reproduction is like for real.
The Ashen (♣) quadrant is the bane of my existence. Its term is Auspisticism, and I hate Hussie for making me type that. Now for the explanation! Imagine that two trolls are deep in a hate off. This is something that happens often! But that is bad, because we don't want people to go around cheating on their kismesis all the time. Cheating is wrong. So, a third troll would come in and try to mediate between the two. The troll would then become their Auspitice. The troll would then get the role of making sure they do not fall deep into RAGE INDUCED MAKE OUT FESTS everywhere. Yay.
An Auspistice is especially important because sometimes trolls will switch between Caliginous and Flushed quadrants abritrarily, and that makes for a terrible relationship. The auspistice would thus stabilize the whole thing. Think of it like ingrained couple's therapy.
Lastly, the Pale (♦) quadrant is called a Moirallegience. Did you think auspisticism was the stupidest term? No it isn't. A moirail is a bit like a very, very platonic soul mate. Now that I have said this, you are even more confused than ever. Explanation! Trolls are a very violent species by nature. Some trolls are even more violent than others. This means they can be a definite threat to others and even to themselves. A more even-tempered troll should then become the previous troll's moirail.
A moirail's job is to pacify/function as a better half. Generally, two moirails are supposed to complement and balance each other's emotional profiles, so all their other relationships are more likely to be successful. Sometimes it is hard to tell if a troll is in true moirallegience or just, you know, durp durp we are friends durp. And sometimes flushed feelings can be mistaken for pale feelings and vice-versa! A troll's life is so hard.
Basically, true moirails are hard to find and even harder to identify.
Okay that is all of the terminology all of it. Now here is a concrete example of why troll romance is fucked up:
AAAAH WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON AAAAH AAAAH
It's hard being a troll. It's hard and no one understands.
BUT MOVING ON FROM THAT HILARIOUS IMAGE OF WHY, GOD, WHY, here comes a brief description of TROLL SERENDIPITY.
As previously established by the picture, troll romance is full of false starts and infidelities and miscues and jumping in every other quadrant like goddamn drunk monkeys trying to get the bananas all of the bananas. But! One troll belief is that for every quadrant, THERE ARE PAIRS or triads because troll romance is weird THAT WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. Like OTPs and OT3s, but for themselves. In short, all trolls believe that there are pairs that were DESTINED FOREVER AND EVER.
Basically: trolls are into a weird version of Disney fairytales, only with a lot more murder.
AND THAT CONCLUDES TROLL ROMANCE.
For questions go to the comments. BUT WHY WOULD YOU HAVE QUESTIONS???? WHY DID I EVEN WRITE THIS???
This is stupid.
First, let's say you had to describe human romance using one symbol. You would go with ♥! Or a broken heart if you are particularly bitter. Whatever.
Troll romance is best described using four symbols, which are probably stupidly familiar to you. They are ♥, ♦, ♣ and ♠.
We shall call each of these symbols a quadrant, and they are arranged like so:
♥ ♦
♠ ♣
These quadrants are named, in left to right order: Flushed (Hearts), Pale (Diamonds), Caliginous (Spades) and Ashen (Clubs).
The quadrants are arranged in four different pairs: first, there is the Red romance. As you have guessed it, that half stands for ♥ & ♦. Second, there is Black romance, or ♠ & ♣. These first two are opposite pairs.
Third, we have what we call the Conciliatory quadrants, or ♦ and ♣. Its counterpart are the Concuspiscent quadrants, aka ♥ and ♠. You now totally understand why I arranged them like that up there.
Red romance is rooted in positive emotions. Black romance is rooted in negative emotions. This is pretty much self-explanatory.
Conciliatory VS Concuspiscent, on the other hand, refers to the nature of relationship it falls into. Concuspiscent, which is a stupid made-up word as you have already guessed, refers to how both ♥ and ♠ are used in facilitating the TROLL REPRODUCTIVE CYCLE. You now wish I had never uttered those words because all the trolls are thirteen ew. To be more blunt and spare you the pain of hearing me explain how trolls reproduce, I will cut it short and say that Concuspiscent means you can have sex. This is a sexual relationship. Yay.
Conciliatory, on the other hand, is similar to friendship. Only not really. It is a weird mix of friendship and other platonic relationships that don't end in doing the nasty in a bucket. Oops, sorry. I said I wouldn't talk about troll sex.
Even though we wouldn't call relationships in the Conciliatory half of the quadrants "romance", trolls are just as compelled to fulfill these relationships as most humans are to find a significant other. Trolls are so weird. Moving on, because this is just supposed to be term explanations, god Zia.
The Flushed quadrant (♥) partnership is called a Matespritship. It is pretty much the equivalent of human romance. FALL IN LOVE. HAVE BABIES. SLOPPY MAKE-OUTS EVERYWHERE. It is the best quadrant because I don't have to explain shit. Love your matesprits.
The Caliginous quadrant (♠), however, is not something that makes any kind of sense to us whatsoever. Unless you are into hatesex. The term for this partnership is a Kismesitude. Yes, the terms are going to get stupider as we go on. A Kismesis is something of a HATED ENEMY and VERY POTENT RIVAL. This also plays a part in troll reproduction, because Trolls Are Weird. But seriously it's hate sex. If hate sex ended up with one of the partners possibly dying if they showed weakness to the other. :D
I will now mention that these two are involved in making an "incestuous slurry", and now you are all seriously glad I am not explaining what troll sex and reproduction is like for real.
The Ashen (♣) quadrant is the bane of my existence. Its term is Auspisticism, and I hate Hussie for making me type that. Now for the explanation! Imagine that two trolls are deep in a hate off. This is something that happens often! But that is bad, because we don't want people to go around cheating on their kismesis all the time. Cheating is wrong. So, a third troll would come in and try to mediate between the two. The troll would then become their Auspitice. The troll would then get the role of making sure they do not fall deep into RAGE INDUCED MAKE OUT FESTS everywhere. Yay.
An Auspistice is especially important because sometimes trolls will switch between Caliginous and Flushed quadrants abritrarily, and that makes for a terrible relationship. The auspistice would thus stabilize the whole thing. Think of it like ingrained couple's therapy.
Lastly, the Pale (♦) quadrant is called a Moirallegience. Did you think auspisticism was the stupidest term? No it isn't. A moirail is a bit like a very, very platonic soul mate. Now that I have said this, you are even more confused than ever. Explanation! Trolls are a very violent species by nature. Some trolls are even more violent than others. This means they can be a definite threat to others and even to themselves. A more even-tempered troll should then become the previous troll's moirail.
A moirail's job is to pacify/function as a better half. Generally, two moirails are supposed to complement and balance each other's emotional profiles, so all their other relationships are more likely to be successful. Sometimes it is hard to tell if a troll is in true moirallegience or just, you know, durp durp we are friends durp. And sometimes flushed feelings can be mistaken for pale feelings and vice-versa! A troll's life is so hard.
Basically, true moirails are hard to find and even harder to identify.
Okay that is all of the terminology all of it. Now here is a concrete example of why troll romance is fucked up:
AAAAH WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON AAAAH AAAAH
It's hard being a troll. It's hard and no one understands.
BUT MOVING ON FROM THAT HILARIOUS IMAGE OF WHY, GOD, WHY, here comes a brief description of TROLL SERENDIPITY.
As previously established by the picture, troll romance is full of false starts and infidelities and miscues and jumping in every other quadrant like goddamn drunk monkeys trying to get the bananas all of the bananas. But! One troll belief is that for every quadrant, THERE ARE PAIRS or triads because troll romance is weird THAT WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. Like OTPs and OT3s, but for themselves. In short, all trolls believe that there are pairs that were DESTINED FOREVER AND EVER.
Basically: trolls are into a weird version of Disney fairytales, only with a lot more murder.
AND THAT CONCLUDES TROLL ROMANCE.
For questions go to the comments. BUT WHY WOULD YOU HAVE QUESTIONS???? WHY DID I EVEN WRITE THIS???
This is stupid.