Written at almost 2 in the morning; Typed up 3:27 PM Thursday 16 June 2005
There's billions of people in this world. Is it infinitely improbable that not one of them knows how we feel, or is it infinitely improbable that one of them does know? I sometimes feel so detached from everyone. Then...there's times like tonight. When I feel like maybe every single teenager now, in future, or in past feels exactly like me. Shouldn't this be lightening my mood, knowing I'm not alone? But it doesn't. 'When a song lets you know you're not alone' isn't so special anymore; that magical bond is corroded. The words are just words, generic words that could apply to any of millions of generic members of a generation. And I am just one of them.
Lately all I can think is that my feelings and thoughts are not mine anymore. I think something and then realize that one of my friends or my sister has at some point said something so incredibly close to what I've thought. My feelings are borrowed from what I've seen on others. All I am is an echo of those around me. I will feel something, then catch myself, realizing that whoever had felt that way earlier and had more cause than I to feel it. When I am echoing my sister it is the worst. Because for the past week or so, every thought that crosses my mind seems to have been hers at some point, and I feel unnecessary. I am just a copy of her; she has been here longest, I am just an image of her. Since she was here first, I'm just a copy, and I can never be the original.
I caught myself again a few days ago, wondering if it was okay for me to think this, or am I just copying her. It just sounded so much like her: a doomed vision of my future. But she had thought it was her future. Now I think it's my future. I'm copying her future now.
And I am thinking that I think I will probably die alone.
This isn't coming out right. I don't think I'm making any sense.
I'm sorry. Really. I am.
Lately all I can think is that my feelings and thoughts are not mine anymore. I think something and then realize that one of my friends or my sister has at some point said something so incredibly close to what I've thought. My feelings are borrowed from what I've seen on others. All I am is an echo of those around me. I will feel something, then catch myself, realizing that whoever had felt that way earlier and had more cause than I to feel it. When I am echoing my sister it is the worst. Because for the past week or so, every thought that crosses my mind seems to have been hers at some point, and I feel unnecessary. I am just a copy of her; she has been here longest, I am just an image of her. Since she was here first, I'm just a copy, and I can never be the original.
I caught myself again a few days ago, wondering if it was okay for me to think this, or am I just copying her. It just sounded so much like her: a doomed vision of my future. But she had thought it was her future. Now I think it's my future. I'm copying her future now.
And I am thinking that I think I will probably die alone.
This isn't coming out right. I don't think I'm making any sense.
I'm sorry. Really. I am.