Update
Hello, lovelies. Time always seems to get away from me. I've wanted to write for so long, but I just can't bring myself to. So anyway, here it is. I'm having surgery on Tuesday. Pretty extensive. I was on a drug called Lupron for 4 months. It induces menopause. Hot flashes, night sweats, no sleep...Fun! I was on it for a cyst and fibroids. We were hoping to avoid surgery, but that is not the case. My cyst is the size of a softball and pressing on my bladder, blocking one ovary. The fibroids are in the uterus and in a bad spot. They didn't shrink so off I go. No doctor will touch me this way. It's pretty invasive, almost like a C section, so I will be out of work for 6 weeks which is JOY! But short term disability sucks. Oh well. I want it over with already. For six weeks we've been planning this and I'm tired of thinking about it. After this, we have to wait 3 months before we try. The good news is, we might get pregnant on our own. That's what happened last time I got cleaned out. Or maybe we can do one more insemination which wouldn't cost us anything. If not, then IVF at $15,000. But I'm telling you this right now. I'm done. Whatever the outcome of this in the next months, good, bad, horrible, I AM DONE. I can't do this anymore. I can't put myself and Matt through this any longer. Five years of this. More pain than I EVER thought was possible to feel. I can't do this anymore physically, mentally, emotionally. My poor marriage!! I doubt myself all the time. Is it worth it anymore? There is a quality of life issue here. We didn't come to this decision easily. But I'm tired of the constant pain and the horrible periods. I just don't know how I feel. The older I get, the more selfish. I like our life. Do we want to disrupt it? How many MORE times is my Matt going to put me in a hospital? Adoption is still there. We will do it regardless. Even if I have one of our own, we want more and I probably will only get lucky once. But I needed one more shot at this. *I* put the finish line up and I can't just give up in the middle. I'm scared. Of Failure and success. But I still have to try. I hate feeling this way. I haven't touched a child in years. Me, of the "GIMME!! GIMME!!" where children are concerned. I was a Nanny for goodness sake! But it hurts. I have a physical pain. I can't go into Babies r Us. I was at a christening awhile ago and it was literally TORTURE to be around those kids and mothers We're the only ones in this circle. "One of these things is not like the other..." We have wonderful friends, but there is one thing I cannot stand: DO NOT assume responsibility for MY feelings. I appreciate the intent, but I'll just be worse when I find out on my own. I AM tired of being surrounded by pregnant people. So nonchalant, so easy going about it. Makes me want to scream! But I smile through my tears, because that's just who I am. I don't wish anyone EVER goes through what we are, but I am sooo jealous I could explode!!!! Why not us??!!! Anyway, that's my story for now., I go into the hospital Tuesday and should be home by Thursday (PLEASE!!!). Call me, whatever. And if anyone wants to come visit, just let me know!