Journeys (3a/5)
Title: Journeys (Table of Contents)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is mine. I gain nothing of material value from this.
Part I a b Part II a b c d
XXXXX
Part III: Enlightenment
XXXXX
When he arrived, Jack was lying crumpled on the ground, staring blearily up at the closing door. "I don't...remember," he said.
Daniel's mind froze momentarily with fear. He was too late--maybe it was the sarcophagus, or maybe it was the hours of being crushed by Ba'al, but what if he was too late and Jack was already too far gone?
"You?" Jack said, still looking at no one.
Pulling his courage back, Daniel walked closer to him and said, "Jack, who are you talking to?"
Though he must have been in Jack's line of sight, Jack's eyes remained fixed on something just past him. "The woman," Jack said.
Daniel glanced upward. "There's nobody there," he said calmly.
Finally, Jack let his gaze roll over to Daniel's face. "Look who's talking," he said.
He didn't make a move to get up, though, or even to move at all. His eyes, while looking at Daniel, weren't quite focused, and the ragged, burned holes in his shirt would have been enough to show what Ba'al had been doing to him even without that expression on his face.
"Does it still hurt?" Daniel said.
Jack made half a headshake. "Nope."
Wishing he were allowed to reach down and help his friend off the floor, at the very least, Daniel cleared his throat and said, "I told you I'd be back."
Finally, Jack slowly pushed himself up, staggering to his feet until he was staring Daniel in the eye. "If you were really here--"
"I am," Daniel said.
"Then do something!" Jack said.
Daniel felt tiny again--he was a friend failing a friend who had been teammate, commander, and more than either of them could explain. His friend was dying--worse than dying--and he couldn't do anything.
Suddenly, Jack was angry, the transformation so quick that Daniel couldn't be sure if it was just Jack's frayed temper or if it was from whatever the sarcophagus had done to the chemicals in his brain. "You listen to me," Jack spat. "I don't wanna go through that again. If my friend were here and had the power to stop it, he'd stop it!"
"We can't defeat the enemy by becoming like them," Daniel said.
He'd said it so many times before in life, and this time when he finally had to power to act like a god, he felt like he was trying to convince himself as much as Jack that holding back was worth it. Even if he believed it in theory, it was hard to hold onto it while looking at Jack.
Jack had already turned away, leaning against the wall. "I don't have the right, Jack," Daniel insisted. "If I did this--if I did whatever I wanted, even to help someone I care about--where would I stop? I'd be worse than the ones we fought."
"Oh, come on," Jack scoffed, turning back around. "You're Daniel."
Ironically, despite how much it stung to be reminded of the way Jack's faith in him never wavered, even when it should, it strengthened Daniel's resolve, too. In Shifu's dream, he had had too much power and had hurt so many with it, not least of all Jack, who had believed in him too much. He hated the Others' rules sometimes, but there was a reason for them. He might bend rules to their limit, but if he broke them at will, he was no better than the Goa'uld.
"Ba'al is not going to stop," Daniel said. "He's just going to do this again."
"Yeah," Jack said, slumping slightly where he stood.
"So we don't have much time for you."
"You know what," Jack said, "screw it. It doesn't matter. Carter and Teal'c'll think of something."
Daniel shook his head. "It doesn't matter if they figure it out. Even if--"
"And you know," Jack continued, a gleam in his eye that said he was trying to provoke a response, but Daniel didn't mind, because it meant there was still fight--and life--left in him. "We got a replacement--"
"Nyan, yeah."
"--and there's this other new guy who wants in--"
"Jonas Quinn," Daniel said, nodding. "I know, and they're all looking, but--"
"He's at least as smart as you," Jack said.
"I know, Jack," Daniel said. "And you know they won't be able to get in here. There isn't always a way to get out alive."
"You're one to talk," Jack said. "How many times have we almost died and then gotten out anyway?"
"And now look at me," Daniel replied, spreading his arms. "Jack, sometimes, there isn't a way."
Jack walked up to him and stabbed a finger at him, only to pull back when it went through Daniel's chest. "You always gave me another option," he said. "And it pissed me off, but you think of stuff no one else would. You must have something. Give me anything."
"I am giving it to you now," he said. "All I can offer you is a choice other thaneternal torment until there's nothing left of you to torture."
"Well, that's a dead-end, then," Jack said.
"No, it's not," Daniel said. "Jack."
"Daniel," Jack answered, but listlessly, as if he was saying it because it was a response and not because he had anything to say or wanted to hear anything more.
"You could do this," Daniel said. "If you'd just open your mind--"
"For cryin' out loud!" Jack burst out. "Will you give it a rest!" He sat down and glared up at Daniel.
"You...don't think you can Ascend," Daniel said, realizing.
"Oh, please," Jack muttered. "Me? Have you met me?"
"Come on!" Daniel said, growing impatient now, because Ba'al's Jaffa were going to come back any moment and take Jack away again. "You're the man who...who established humanity's link to our most powerful allies, remember? You think someone like Thor would like you so much if you didn't have potential? You're--"
"What?" Jack interrupted harshly. "I'm what? Captain O'Neill, the hero of Abydos? If you haven't figured out that I'm not the guy you worshipped growing up, then you need to wake up and smell the gunpowder!"
Daniel shook his head, not rising to the bait in the words. Jack looked for a fight when all else failed him, and they couldn't afford to waste time with that now. "That legend wasn't real. You are. I know you're angry--otherwise, you would never claim that I don't know the real you."
"If you know me," Jack said in a low voice, "then you know this is pointless."
"If I managed it--"
"You were always different. I'm not like you, Daniel."
"I'm well aware of our differences, Jack," Daniel said. "But everything I was...am...you're part of that."
But Jack laughed shortly at that and trailed a finger through Daniel's immaterial arm. "And look what we did to you."
Daniel blew out a breath. "I made those choices. You helped make a man with his own mind out of a scared and reckless child. You gave me in a few years more than I ever imagined I could experience in a lifetime, and yes, I've smelt gunpowder on you, just like you've seen the blood on my hands. You've done so much good, Jack, for all of us, and you're a good person. That's what matters. If our positions were reversed, you'd be here for me, too, like you were--"
Suddenly, Jack leaned in close to him and said, "Damn straight I would've been here for you! I'd've busted you out, blown this rat hole to hell, and made sure that sonuvabitch suffered!"
"The Others would've stopped you," Daniel said, fighting the temptation to do just that.
"They'd have a hell of a fight on their hands," Jack snapped, frustrated.
Just as frustrated, Daniel said, "No, they wouldn't! You don't understand, Jack--if I tried anything, they--"
The shiver of warning came again, something he might have called pain if he still had had those sensations. If we're going to be useless, Daniel wanted to yell at Oma and all the Others, humans should at least get a warning. Instead, he stopped and abandoned that tack.
He didn't know whether Jack had noticed his distress at all, which, in itself, could have told him how badly off Jack was. "And then Ba'al would be dead..." Jack was going on, one hand gesticulating sharply in the air.
"You wouldn't do that," Daniel said, imagining Jack using whatever power he had to destroy entire fortresses, planets, star systems, galaxies...
"...and don't think I'd stop there..."
"You're a better man than that--"
Jack yelled, "That's where you're wrong!"
Daniel stared at him, at his closest friend who had been father when he'd needed it and then teacher, brother, and leader.
And he knew it was true--if Daniel was bothered by the rules, Jack would have laid waste to them already or suffered the punishment for trying. Daniel's nature was to explore and to understand, but Jack's was to lead and to protect. If their positions had been reversed, Jack would have done anything to get Daniel out of here, even if it wouldn't have worked.
But despite how much Daniel fumed at Oma, in the end he knew he didn't have the right. He wasn't of their world, and interfering in worldly matters wasn't fair. Saving Jack's life would also have meant killing Ba'al and changing the balance of power again among the System Lords, killing thousands of Jaffa, and influencing human choices and actions.
No one person should have that kind of power. As much as he was tempted, he couldn't act as a god, not even for Jack. Daniel couldn't help if the SGC couldn't do it on their own.
At least...the SGC couldn't do it with Tau'ri technology. But what if they looked elsewhere? All of the SGC's allies in the galaxy probably couldn't or wouldn't help. That was their allies, though. What if they tried someone else?
Daniel carefully tucked away the half-finished thought, holding it in reserve. Help came in many forms, and if it couldn't come from him, he'd simply need to find another way.
Plan C. Just in case.
"Look," Daniel said more quietly, because he might refuse to do what Jack wanted, but it didn't mean he would stop fighting for his friends in whatever way was still left to him, "when...my time came, I didn't want to stop living, either. I understand that it..."
"...that it goes against everything I taught you," Jack said over him. "Everything we were."
Daniel determinedly kept his gaze steady, knowing the venom in Jack's voice was at least partially riding on the sarcophagus's effects and the situation. The past tense hurt, though, because he didn't know if it was because Daniel had left or because Jack felt that he was now betraying what SG-1 had stood for.
"But it was the choice I made," he went on steadily. "And now, you have that choice, too. It's not your life in danger, Jack--it's your soul. It's the only way."
Jack stilled suddenly. "No," he said, almost calmly. "It's not the only way."
"What are you talking about?" Daniel said.
Jack looked at him and didn't look away, and Daniel knew, and how dare he think that was an option when he thought Daniel was the one refusing to fight? It was giving up, and Daniel wasn't going to allow it.
"No," Daniel said. "No, Jack."
"Any minute, they're gonna come," Jack said. "Ba'al is gonna kill me again. You can make it the last time."
"Don't ask me to do that," Daniel said, half-demand and half-plea.
His eyes intent, focused and frighteningly clear for the first time since he'd woken up this cycle, Jack said, "You can put an end to it."
Daniel honestly didn't know if he could. He could whisper a not-quite-audible distraction into someone's ear and see if a Jaffa slipped--mangled Jack's body too much, perhaps, or somehow damaged the sarcophagus too much to be repaired and used by the time Jack's body began to break down. The Others might stop him--Ascension was, technically, something that could be done by anyone, but using his influence to stop Jack's torment was certainly a breach of the laws.
And even if he could... "I won't do it," Daniel said. So long as there was another, better option, he would have no part in letting Jack O'Neill die.
"I'd do it for you, and you know it," Jack said.
It was true, and it didn't change anything. "I'm not you," Daniel said.
"Daniel..."
"There is a better way," Daniel said, as sternly as he could. "There is a way to save your soul and to start a new journey--you wanted a better way? I'm offering it to you."
The doorway above them began to grind open. Daniel closed his eyes, knowing what it meant and what was next.
Jack knew, too. "I don't want to see this cell again, Daniel," he said, warning, hoping, and then he walked the few steps to lie down at the side, where he wouldn't have as far to fall when the Jaffa dumped him back out of the prison.
Daniel determinedly gathered himself and slipped back out.
...x...
By the time he slipped back into the SGC, SG-1 and Jonas had already figured out why Kanan had taken over Jack's body and knew exactly where he was being held.
And by then, General Hammond had looked at the schematics, too, and said 'no.' Nyan and Jonas were huddled together with Sam over a bench top, still looking desperately for another solution.
But Teal'c was alone and in kelno'reem.
Daniel sat down opposite him in Teal'c's familiar little room. Even knowing it wouldn't happen, he almost expected the Jaffa to open his eyes and give him a brief nod of welcome.
For a moment, Daniel did close his eyes and try to pull a meditative calm around himself without doing anything at all. He had promised not to be rash, and it was important not to make any mistakes this time. The stakes were high, and there was no Jack or Sam or Teal'c to pull him back anymore if he wandered too close to the edge. He'd told Jack, after all, that he wasn't a reckless child anymore, and it was time to prove it.
Finally, when he had the full plan in his mind, he opened his eyes. "I wish I were here to help you," Daniel said aloud. Teal'c didn't hear, but that was okay; he wasn't supposed to. Not quite. "I wish I could do something, but I can't step in for the Tau'ri--even for Jack--when it can't be accomplished by Tau'ri means and Tau'ri technology. I hope you understand."
Teal'c didn't open his eyes, but his frown deepened very slightly.
Daniel... Oma was warning, gentle as the breeze that came before a storm. Careful careful careful...
"I wish I'd been here these past months, Teal'c," Daniel said honestly. "Like when you met Kytano--Imhotep--and were almost killed by Lord Yu. I never thought I'd be thankful to a Goa'uld, but I'm grateful to Lord Yu for that. You picked the right Goa'uld to trust, if there is such a thing. I guess you and he...well, you're not allies, but enemies of the same enemy, maybe."
Pull back pull back, Oma urged. Too much.
"And, uh...thank you. For how hard you've been trying. For Jack." He couldn't help blurting, "And I really wish you'd tell me to be silent and meditate."
Maybe this was why Oma and Shifu kept telling him not to linger around here too much. It made it harder to remember he didn't belong here anymore.
He left.
Daniel watched the other three continue to pore over reports until they were called into the briefing room. He followed and heard the general say, "Teal'c thinks a Goa'uld mothership could take out Ba'al's outpost."
Sam looked surprised for a moment, then said, "Probably. The problem is getting one."
"Lord Yu has been willing to help us in the past," Teal'c pointed out, "particularly when he believes it will be to his advantage against the System Lords."
"We just need to send him the information," Sam said, lighting up. "Sir--"
"Do it," the general said.
...x...
Daniel started to seek out Yu in his territory of the galaxy, only to find Oma pulling him back. "I'll just watch," Daniel said.
"I will spare you the lure of manipulating a mortal's intentions for the gain of yourself and your friends," she answered. "You've already done more than you should. If Lord Yu chooses not to accept the information about Ba'al, I will not allow you to change his mind."
"He'll do it," Daniel said confidently. "Yu is smart. He was practical enough to help the SGC and even the rebel Jaffa, even after I betrayed him, because he knows he'll need help if he wants to defeat Anubis and the System Lords." Even though Daniel's last foray into Yu's homeworld had made it clear that his age worried his Jaffa, well, he was still doing the right thing for now. That was what counted.
"In that case, there is nothing for you to do in Yu's homeworld," she pointed out. She gave him a long look. "You are coming very close to crossing the line."
[When are you going to end this?] Jack's voice mumbled in his ear.
Daniel looked around but saw nothing, still standing with Oma on the wrong plane. Then, again, fainter...
[...Daniel?]
"Let me sit with Jack," Daniel said. "Please."
Oma nodded. "If you do anything to aid an attack on Ba'al, even if it's disguised by Yu's efforts, I will know."
...x...
Daniel watched Ba'al torture Jack because he couldn't not be there when Jack was calling him.
"Daniel," Jack whispered, staring straight at him.
Ba'al smirked. "Your mind is beginning to fail," he told Jack.
Wait, Daniel thought when a splash of acid on Jack's skin made him flinch weakly. Wait, Jack. Not much longer.
Jack died again soon after. For all the times Daniel had been terrified that one of his friends would die, he found that he had never quite understood until now what it must have been like for them to watch him die. Even knowing that it wasn’t' permanent--that there was a sarcophagus waiting for him--the sight of Jack's eyes, open and glazed over in death, was nearly enough to crumble what little self-control Daniel had managed to gather. He had spent years training and fighting in the hope that he would never have to see that, and now, he couldn't look away.
The first thing Jack said, after being revived and thrown back into the prison, was, "Daniel?"
Finally, the doorway closed above them, sealing them alone together in the cell. "I'm here," Daniel said, crouching next to Jack's seat.
"You were gone," Jack mumbled, not turning to look at him.
"I know," Daniel soothed, moving in front of him and trying to catch his eyes. He reached out a hand but stopped before he reached Jack's shoulder. "I know. There was something I had to do, but I'm...I'm back now, and I'll stay with you until it's over."
Jack wouldn't look at him, even when he was right there in front of his eyes. "It'll never be over," he said quietly.
"Yes, it will," Daniel said firmly. "You're the one who taught me not to give up. Don't, not now."
"Daniel," Jack said. "There's... You have to end this."
"Hold on a little longer, Jack. Just a little longer."
Jack shook his head. "No. I can't go back there--"
"You won't have to," Daniel said. "It's almost over."
Finally, Jack met his eyes, and he thought he could see a glimpse of hope. "How?" Jack said.
Daniel smiled. "You were right," he said. "There's always another way. It's not time for you to start a new journey, Jack, not yet."
Sitting up straight, Jack said, more sharply than he'd been, "What d'you do?"
"It's not like that," Daniel kind-of-lied. "It was...it was your team, Jack. And Jonas, too. Your team thought of something."
"What?" Jack said, rising to his feet. He still looked a bit manic, but Daniel didn't mind this time. It was going to take all of Jack's adrenaline and more if he wanted to escape this time, and if the sarcophagus's high could push him just a bit further than he would normally be able to handle, maybe it would be for the better, just until he could get himself to an infirmary.
Something exploded nearby. The lights in the building flickered and then died.
Daniel stood and looked up at the opening to the cell. "All you wanted was a fighting chance, and this is it. If anyone can make it out, it's you." Jack stared at him. "Now!"
"Lord Yu attacks!" someone cried outside. Jack's head whipped around as the cell began to tip, bringing him closer and closer to the exit, and Daniel used the momentary distraction to vanish from sight.
"Daniel?" Jack said, looking around.
The cell settled into position. The door ground open. Jack stared at his chance for freedom, looked around once more--I'm not here, anymore, Jack, just go, Daniel thought--and then stepped outside.
Once out, instinct and years of training took over--Jack threw himself bodily at an approaching Jaffa and beat him savagely into unconsciousness. He stared for a moment, then took the Jaffa's zat'nik'tel and ran down the corridor.
Go, Daniel thought, watching over him as he ran.
...x...
Daniel watched while Jack hid in a ditch for two, three, four hours, clutching the hand of the lo'taur girl whom Kanan had used his body to save, until the last of Ba'al's Jaffa had fled through the Stargate. By the time Jack dialed the Alpha Site, he was shivering, sweating more than his abused body could afford, dragging the terrified lo'taur along even faster.
Jack finally woke up in the infirmary, surrounded by his team--all of them, even if no one could see Daniel--and Janet and the general.
Enough, Oma said when he didn't leave immediately.
Still, Daniel lingered a bit longer, waiting for the others to leave, and when they did, he finally moved to stand in front of Jack's bed and allowed himself to be seen. "I have to go," Daniel said, watching as Jack's eyes moved sluggishly toward him. He offered a small smile. "I always seem to be saying good-bye to you."
"Yeah," Jack rasped, turning his head to look at him more fully. Hopefully, wistfully, "Why don't you stick around for a while?"
"I can't," Daniel said.
"You just did," Jack said.
"Special case," he pointed out.
"How about...pick a solstice," Jack said. "Any solstice." Daniel shook his head as Oma urged Daniel Daniel Daniel. Jack frowned. "Groundhog Day?" he tried.
"No," Daniel said, both amused and scared by how tempting that idea was--spending the day with Jack and everyone else just for one day, as long as that one day would repeat itself over and over again.
"You going again now?" Jack said quietly.
"I'm always watching you guys," Daniel said.
"That's just weird," Jack said. "You'd better not be peeping at Sam."
Daniel laughed and realized he hadn't laughed since he'd Ascended. "Just. Please stop getting yourself thrown into prisons," he said.
Daniel... Oma said.
"I don't have a lot of time," he said quickly. "Look, you probably don't feel too well right now, and... I can't imagine anyone else going through...all that and surviving, and... It's just. I just want to say that you're going to be okay."
Something dark, pained, flickered through Jack's eyes. "How do you know?" he asked.
"Do you trust me, Jack?" Daniel said.
"Yeah," Jack said.
"Then trust me," Daniel said. The withdrawal would be difficult, but it would pass with the right care. The greatest challenge to Jack would be mental--holding onto his strength long enough to recover. If faith in a friend or an Ascended being helped in that, then it was the least Daniel could do.
Someone's coming, Oma warned. Time's up.
"I can do that," Jack finally said. "You gonna be okay?"
Daniel forced out one last smile and nodded. "Yeah. I'm going to be fine, too," he promised, and quietly slipped out of sight again.
XXXXX
"Daniel," Oma said when he returned to her on Kheb, days later. He was still watching with one eye as Jack shivered in a room, all weapon-like objects out of reach, armed guards at the doorway and Teal'c holding a zat gun as Janet approached cautiously with a syringe.
[Daniel?] Jack gasped, his eyes red and his body pulling against the restraints holding him to the bed. [You bastard, where the hell did you go? You said you'd help me!]
In the observation deck, Nyan scrunched himself into his chair and hugged his legs. Sam looked like she wanted to do the same, and she didn't protest when Jonas entered and set a friendly, bracing hand on her shoulder, the way Nyan was too tentative to do.
"He'll get better," Oma reminded him. "This will be over soon."
"I hate this," Daniel said.
She nodded. "I know," she said. "I can't make you leave, but I urge you to. Your watching isn't helping them, and it's hurting you." He shook his head, unable to leave. Oma sighed. "You're like an addict, Daniel. Every time I think you've pulled yourself away, you turn around and go back. Sooner or later, you need to free yourself of that."
"You're the one who encouraged me to help Jack," Daniel said.
"You're the one who made it more than that," she said. "I don't want to see you hurt. It will only become more difficult if you keep resisting."
"Life is always difficult," he said. "Being willing to fight for the hard things--that's what makes them matter."
"This isn't life," she reminded him. He didn't answer as he continued watching and wondered what it was that made things matter in this existence.
...x...
Teal'c was the first one who sat with Jack (without a weapon) when it became feasible. Jack was still alternately sweating and shivering, but his mind was clear enough that some companionship seemed healthy. Daniel stayed with them--without allowing himself to be seen--until Jack fell asleep. While Sam waited for her turn to sit her shift with their commander, she sat by Martouf, instead, one door down the hall.
Jacob came by around the same time. Officially, he was there to smooth any ruffled feathers that might remain, given that Kanan had been one of theirs. Unofficially, he checked on Jack, then squeezed Sam's shoulder and said, "How's it going, kid?"
"Beginnings of heart failure, and there are some indications of renal disease," she said, nodding at Martouf. "He's working on an infection, too. Mild, but his system doesn't seem to want to kick it. He doesn't really wake up much anymore. Before long, we're going to have to put him on more complete life support and wait it out, or...make a decision."
"I was asking about you and your team," Jacob said. "Not just Martouf."
She shrugged and caught his hand in her own. "I'm sure Lantash wants to know," she said, still not answering the question.
"Thank you," Lantash said quietly after a moment.
"When the time comes," she said evenly, "I think you should have a say in...you know, what happens to him, how we manage his...affairs."
A knock sounded, and Teal'c opened the door. "Major Carter," he said, nodding politely to Jacob. "O'Neill wishes to speak to you."
Sam nodded and stood up. "You take your time here," she said to Lantash, gesturing at the chair she had just vacated.
"Tell Jack I said 'hi,'" Jacob said.
The transition between host and symbiote was smoother than before--they had been practicing. Or, Daniel supposed, they had finally and truly blended, each influencing and compensating for the other until they settled at an equilibrium.
And as Daniel watched Lantash hold a vigil over someone so close to him that Daniel couldn't even begin to comprehend, he made a decision.
He concentrated, making sure he knew what he was doing, then pushed his consciousness gently into Martouf's mind.
XXXXX
The first thing Daniel did was to fall into an ocean.
The second was to wonder why he was falling at all, if he was more energy than matter, and why there was water in Martouf's mind and how it was possible that he was actually getting wet. Just as he was starting to worry, a strong hand closed around his arm and hauled him out of the water and dragged him onto dry land.
"Yi shay," he coughed. This was ridiculous. When Oma snuck into his brain, she ended up sitting in the Lotus position on a ramp. When Daniel tried it, he flopped into a large body of water.
"Daniel?" a very familiar voice asked.
He picked himself up off the ground and looked around, focusing for a moment to reconstruct himself as being upright and dry. It was dark, but it wasn't hard for him to recognize Martouf staring at him, looking just as he had looked a year ago. "Hi," Daniel said, waving awkwardly. "How's it going?"
Martouf frowned. He wasn't wearing Tok'ra leathers or his SGC BDUs, but rather a set of clothing that Daniel wouldn't have thought out of place on a human from an alien planet, or even from parts of Earth. "How...what are you doing here?"
"Okay," Daniel said. "Uh..." Huh. He hadn't thought this out at all. "So. How much do you know about what's going on...with you in the physical world? I mean, are you aware--"
"--of my physical state?" Martouf finished. "I have some idea. How did you bring me here? The last time I saw you..." He tilted his head, looking confused.
"I didn't bring you, per se," Daniel said. "We're in a very deeply buried part of your mind, Martouf. It's the part of you that's...well, you, without all the physical limitations. I, uh, don't know that the Tok'ra believe in a soul, or a consciousness not directly attached to neurons, but--"
"But my people did," Martouf said. "I understand."
"Oh, I...I see," Daniel said. All he knew of Martouf's people was that they were from a planet called Marloon that had been emptied by Goa'uld forces.
"Are you a spirit?"
Daniel shook his head. "Not exactly. Do you remember when Shifu came to the SGC and Aldwin tried to extract his memories?"
"I saw him being converted to energy," Martouf said, a look of understanding dawning. "Samantha spoke of the Ascended being named Orlin. Is that what you have become?"
"Yup." Daniel allowed himself to shift back into the spectrum that Martouf would see as glowing light, then dropped back into place.
Martouf smiled. "I am glad. It is good to see you--I thought you were certain to die."
Daniel sat down on a rock, feeling a breeze whisper through his hair and over his face. How odd that he felt more physical, more real inside another man's deepest dreams and thoughts than he had since he had been alive. "It's really good to see you, too," he said, managing another smile back when Martouf took a seat near him. "I'm...actually here to talk to you about that."
"Oh?"
"Martouf," Daniel said, as gently as he could, "your body is dying." Martouf looked like he was more resigned than surprised. "As we speak, Lantash is trying to decide if he would allow you to go on as a shell of the man you were, or if he would be able to live with himself if he asked Dr. Fraiser to stop treatment."
He teased apart the boundaries holding this world apart from the physical, then pointed. Martouf followed his finger to a vision of Jacob sitting at the bedside. "I would wish that burden on no one," Martouf said sadly. "Could you tell him something on my behalf?"
"I, uh...talking to people is sort of complicated," Daniel said, but added quickly, "but it's not just that. I think I have a way that would be a lot better than dying and better than living as you are now."
Martouf looked out for a while, then said, "It's all right, Daniel. I have lived a long time. I have fought harder and loved more deeply than most men could imagine. If it is my time, I am ready."
"You're much better at this than I was," Daniel said. "Listen, you're not thinking of the other option. You've seen a lot of the galaxy, and you've done incredible things, but trust me when I say that there is so much more you could still see. You could Ascend. I can help you."
"Really?" Martouf said. "I was under the impression that it took years of study."
"Not exactly," Daniel told him. "Not study, in the way you and I used to study in mortal life. I studied the philosophies based on Oma Desala for years and didn't understand. The understanding comes through experience alone...and," he added, "I can give you a hand."
A flicker of interest appeared in Martouf's eyes, then died down warily. "Does one not have to be pure of spirit to Ascend?"
After talking to Jack, Daniel really didn't want to have a conversation like this one again. "I know you," he finally said, and with that, he understood why Oma had brought up Martouf to him before: she wouldn't force him to take her path, but she wasn't above pointing him in the direction of potential souls that could be helped, either. Martouf might merit Ascension, but Oma didn't know him well enough to say that. "I know where your journey has taken you," he said. "But I don't know where it began. Tell me about yourself?" Technically, he could have simply dug deeper into Martouf's mind and found out for himself, but perception was half the story.
Martouf looked around himself. "I suppose everything began here. This is the planet Marloon as I remember it. This shore is where I first met Lantash. His host had been fatally injured in an attempt to free my people from a minor Goa'uld. "
"And you offered yourself?" Daniel said.
"Yes," Martouf said. "I was a quick-tempered, impulsive boy."
"What?" he blurted..
Martouf grinned, a little mischievously. "Do you think someone like Lantash would be drawn to a quiet, calm young man? I was grieving for my people's losses. We shared the same passion--the same righteous anger for what the Goa'uld had done."
Curious, Daniel set his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. "He really changed you, then."
"Yes," Martouf said, "and no. I grew up; my symbiote simply had a hand in shaping who I became. Lantash is still relatively young for a symbiote; I have been an old man for a long time. A hundred years can change a man more than they do a symbiote."
"And you've fought for the Tok'ra ever since."
"You have, at times, expressed dissatisfaction with the methods that that Tok'ra use," Martouf said carefully. "I cannot, however, claim that I regret having used them, even the ones that I thought horrible."
"I know," Daniel said. "And I know you did those things because you thought you had to. I know how difficult the war with the Goa'uld makes everything."
Looking thoughtful, Martouf asked, "Do you think it was wrong?"
"It doesn't matter what I think," Daniel said. "I don't know much about your missions, anyway, except the ones I was there for."
"You can guess."
Daniel nodded. He knew, from the transcript of the interview with the zatarc detector, that Martouf had once destroyed almost everyone on a planet--Jaffa warriors and civilians both, not to mention human slaves--to help keep Cronus's army from increasing in size. That had been one of the man's last, but it probably hadn't been anywhere near the worst. "No," he said. "I don't think it was wrong. I think you did what you had to, and not because you liked it. I think you did a lot of good for our side, and that you're a good man. If anyone deserves Ascension, you've certainly earned this second chance after everything you've been through."
"Ascension," Martouf echoed. "To another plane."
A mask of calm wasn't the way to help Jack, but this man might respond to it. Daniel took a deep breath and smiled. "Your journey on the mortal plane is over--or it will be, one way or another, whether in weeks or hours. But you can start a new journey."
"What will happen?"
"Everyone's path is different, but I can promise you it will be amazing...and I, and my teacher, will be there if you need help finding your way. You'll understand things in a way you never could have in life."
Martouf considered for a moment, then said, "But what exactly does that mean?"
Daniel had had the benefit of a previous lesson at Kheb and a few years of study that gave him some theoretical knowledge, if not true understanding. Martouf probably knew of Oma Desala, Orlin, Kheb, and Shifu, but it would have been a very peripheral knowledge, mostly from conversations with people like Sam. Daniel suspected Martouf was closer to the right state of mind than he himself had been, but while Daniel had often lacked the wisdom for his knowledge, Martouf needed at least a little knowledge for any of his wisdom to be useful.
So now, he pictured himself in Teal'c's room, reaching into a box and pulling out a candle. He closed his eyes, pulling that construct into being, and when he opened his eyes again, he was calmly setting the candle down on the sandy beach while Martouf stared.
"How did you..." Martouf said, then shook his head. Daniel could almost see him trying to reconcile what he saw with the logic that he, as a Tok'ra, had relied on. "We are inside my mind," he started, frowning, "so the laws of nature might be bent--"
"I assure you," Daniel interrupted, "I am breaking no laws of nature--all I hope to break is the barrier you perceive between what is true and what you know."
"On second thought, you are inside my mind, after all," Martouf added.
"Talk about things you never thought were possible, huh?"
"So why did you choose to drop into the ocean?"
Daniel made a face. "I'm still trying to get the hang of all this, okay?" he said, and was gratified to see Martouf smile.
"The water should be shallow there," Martouf said, frowning at the point where Daniel had entered his mind. "I want to ask how you were submerged, but it does not seem relevant."
"How deep is the water if you cannot see the bottom?" Daniel said.
Martouf considered for a moment but didn't answer.
"What is this?" Daniel said, gesturing at the candle.
Martouf picked it up, turning it over in his hands as Daniel could see him turning the question over in his mind. "An object," he said. He studied it a moment longer, and, to Daniel's surprise, he scooped up a handful of sand and reformed it into another candle. He put both of them back down on the ground, looking pleased. "It is only a dream," he said, almost to himself.
"But what if it weren't?" Daniel said. "Where did it come from, and why?"
"Nowhere," Martouf said, then shook his head. "From me. This is my mind."
"This is your soul," Daniel told him. Martouf nodded, as if that made perfect sense. "I was going to show you an exercise that involves lighting the candle, but you seem to have--"
One of the candles exploded.
"Right," Daniel said. "That. Yeesh. You know, it took me hours to try to figure out what I was doing when Oma Desala did this with me."
"You think too much," Martouf told him, and gave him the kind of wide, bright smile he usually reserved for huge victories or conversations with Sam. "Acceptance is not for the young."
Daniel sat back. "I said before that I could help you Ascend," he said. "And I will, but before you decide on this, I need to tell you that the practice isn't exactly encouraged."
"Will you suffer some consequence for helping me?" Martouf asked.
"No--well...put it this way. I'm not planning to obey that rule, anyway. Whether or not you accept my help only affects you. I'm only telling you this because I think you should know what you're committing to. There is a lot to see and to learn, and I think we--Ascended beings--can make a difference, but know that there will be limitations, too."
Martouf looked back out the window Daniel had made to the outside world. "I won't be able to interact with them, will I?" he said, watching as Sam walked into the room again to tell her father something, Jonas standing a little behind her.
"No," Daniel said. "Well..." He peeked outside of Martouf's mind and found Oma Desala watching them. She raised her eyebrows at him but didn't step in, so he turned back to Martouf. "Technically, no, not really. There may be exceptions...like I'm doing with you now."
"I suppose it wouldn't be fair," Martouf said, nodding, easily accepting something that Daniel knew and understood but still could barely abide. The Tok'ra, after all, were much more used to the idea of serving the bigger picture. He turned to Daniel and said, "May I have a last word with them, while they are at my side?"
Oma had given Daniel that chance to tell Jack and Skaara his last wishes. It was only fair. Daniel nodded toward them. "Go ahead," he said.
[...if you might want to stick around until Colonel O'Neill's recovered,] Sam was saying to Jacob. [It's up to you, but obviously, you're always welcome.]
Martouf seemed to steel himself--perhaps he was deciding on what to say--then grasped Jacob and Sam by the arm. Daniel watched the Carters appear on the beach with them, and he sat back, quiet. This wasn't his time to speak, no matter how much he wanted to talk to his friend again.
"Martouf," Sam said, incredulous. She looked around. "How--that's not possible--" She turned back. "Martouf?"
"It is good to see you again, Samantha," Martouf said. Looking at Jacob, whose eyes glowed, he added, "And you, my friend. We always knew the time would come when we would have to part ways."
For once, Lantash didn't speak.
"What are you saying?" Sam said. "Are...are you...is it now?"
"I do not wish you to grieve my passing," Martouf said, and she swallowed hard. He gestured toward Daniel, who made an effort not to react when Sam's eyes widened upon seeing him. "It seems that we have a mutual friend who wants to show me another path."
"Daniel," she said, taking a step toward him. Daniel held very still and shifted the sand beneath her feet to make sure she didn't get any closer to him. "What's going on? Say something."
"How can this be?" Lantash finally spoke up. "Is this...this is Marloon, where we--"
[Daniel,] Oma warned gently. [Now. I will help you, but now is the time.]
"Martouf," Daniel called, over the gentle sound of the waves.
There was a brief hint of regret in his expression, but Martouf smiled and told them, "You have been...very dear to me. Take care of each other. And Jacob, too," he added, smiling at Lantash, not specifying which he wished to take care of whom.
"We're going to miss you," Jacob said solemnly.
"Where are you going?" Sam said, her eyes bouncing between Martouf and Daniel.
"I believe I will find out soon," Martouf said good-naturedly.
She took a deep breath. "Daniel, take care of him?"
Because as much as Daniel had once been more a responsibility to her than an equal, he had become a friend and teammate, and, above all else, they trusted each other with everything. He nodded to her, then stood and laid a hand on Martouf's shoulder, teasing the man's consciousness from his flawed, mortal form.
"Goodbye," Martouf told them, and let himself be swept away.
...x...
Sam seemed a little frozen after seeing Martouf's body turn into light and disappear. Daniel listened with half an ear as Oma greeted Martouf, still watching the contained flurry in the SGC infirmary. Jonas, still hovering in the periphery, looked like his jaw was in danger of falling to the ground, and Janet hurried in just in time to see the last of the light disappear. She would see it later on the security tapes, anyway, and recognize it for what it was.
"Daniel," Oma's voice said, and he turned to see her standing alone. "He's gone exploring--I should join him for now. Will you behave yourself while I'm gone?"
"Yeah," he said, continuing to watch. "Sure."
"Are you all right?" she asked. He nodded. "I know that your limits frustrated you when you spoke with Jack O'Neill. It's natural to want to reaffirm that you can do some good--"
"I wanted to help Martouf Ascend because he deserved it, and it was in my power," Daniel interrupted. "Not just because I'm annoyed at the Others' rules."
"And you did well," Oma said. "He seems like a good man."
"He is."
"But the next time you feel powerless," she said, "take care that you do not turn to a man whose soul you understand less well than Martouf's. Most people might deserve to Ascend, but only one mistake will easily place too much power in the wrong hands."
Daniel watched Teal'c fold Sam into a hug just outside the isolation room. "I don't ever want to feel that helpless again," he said.
"But you will, I promise you that," Oma said. "You have to learn to accept what you can't do and continue doing what you can."
"I'll find you and Martouf later," Daniel answered as Jacob touched the empty scrubs left on the hospital bed one more time. "I won't do anything here."
XXXXX
When Jack got better, he bought Jonas a fish in a little tank, plunked it on top of Daniel's desk, and walked away.
Jonas stared at it and then asked Sam surreptitiously if he was supposed to eat it or something, because if it was okay he'd really prefer to let it live and watch it swim around. She made a face at him, and Teal'c brought in a container of fish food and accidentally killed the fish by feeding it too much. Jonas was horrified.
Sam brought him two new fish--so the one wouldn't be lonely, she said--and Jack never noticed the difference. Daniel wasn't sure Jonas fully realized what Jack's awkward gesture meant, especially since Jack started supervising his training around the same time, which meant harsh drills, making him run harder and shoot better each day. Jack O'Neill himself had marked Daniel's old desk and the office as Jonas's property, and even if there were rumors about token aliens in training to fill the SG-1 rookie spot, Jonas didn't seem to care.
One day, Jonas finished his assignments and spent a ridiculous amount of time with his arms folded on the desk and his chin cushioned on top, watching the fish chase each other around and around with a silly smile on his face.
"Hi," Nyan said, stopping in the doorway one evening. "I'm going to bed. Um. 'Night."
Jonas glanced up from his fish and smiled. "Goodnight."
Instead of moving, though, Nyan lingered and said, "How are you?"
Looking surprised, Jonas said, "Fine. Why?"
Nyan shrugged, shuffling one foot against the floor. "I dunno. Just...they joke about non-Tau'ri working here, but most of us didn't have a choice in it. And Kelowna was...uh...a big thing."
"Yeah," Jonas said. His smile became a little flatter.
"It must've been a strange time for you," Nyan said awkwardly. "Being here. After being there."
"Yeah," Jonas repeated. "Well."
Nyan slipped inside. "Teal'c and Daniel made sure I would be okay when I first came. No one else really understands what it's like. But Daniel's gone, and Teal'c's been a little distracted since then, and no one's probably helped you settle in. I don't even know if you've been to the surface."
"Oh, there was an autodestruct and evacuation drill once," Jonas said, brightening. "I went outside of the Mountain and everything. It was nighttime, and there were stars and lights..."
"Ye...eah," Nyan said. "Um. I'll ask someone to show you around. Maybe Sam would--I know you've been working with her a lot, and she's...you know, from Earth."
"We can do that?" Jonas said. "Okay. Thanks."
"I'm leaving in a couple of months," Nyan said. "And I'm pretty sure the team's looking forward to the switch by now."
"Oh, I'm sure it's not that they--"
Nyan waved a hand. "I just take pride in not getting them killed," he said. "Um...I know I've been pushing you toward SG-1, and at first it was mostly selfish, but after seeing you work...I really think it's a good idea. I'm not going on the next mission--it's an undercover operation--so I can make sure everything's settled here with you. Maybe we can talk to Colonel O'Neill and you can come with us on the next one after that to make the transition easier."
Jonas grinned at his tank of fish. "I'd love to," he said eagerly, shaking food pellets into the water. "I think Colonel O'Neill likes me well enough not to shoot me now, too. Do you think they'll let me learn to fly a ship?"
Maybe new enthusiasm was what the team needed, Daniel decided. It certainly wouldn't hurt.
Continued in Part IIIb...