Journeys (3d/5)
Title: Journeys (Table of Contents)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is mine. I gain nothing of material value from this.
Part I a b Part II a b c d Part III a b c
The next time Daniel saw him in the dream, Teal'c was the one who sought him out. "Hey, I was visiting Bray and I thought I'd look in on you," Teal'c said from the door of Daniel's hospital room. "How're you doing?"
"Good," Daniel said. "How are you?"
"Still whole," Teal'c said. "Operation's tomorrow."
Daniel sat up straight and climbed off his bed. "Oh. Are you ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be," Teal'c said. "Why--do you have some advice?"
The problem was, Daniel thought, that he didn't have anything useful to offer. The only way he could help Teal'c stay alive was to encourage him not to keep giving his symbiote to Bra'tac, and he couldn't do that. Teal'c would never forgive him for that. "Not specifically," he finally said, making himself smile. "Just relax. Stay calm. Everything'll be fine."
"Good to hear," Teal'c said.
"Really," Daniel said. "Don't worry."
Teal'c looked at the floor, and when he raised his hand, there was a chess set in it, though it morphed into a game of Snakes and Jackals even as he spoke. "If you're bored...?"
"Yeah," Daniel said, pulling a chair closer and rolling a table between them. "Okay. Let's play."
The game didn't follow any logical rules--or, rather, the pieces shifted about whenever Teal'c looked away or was distracted--but, interestingly, Teal'c neither won nor lost consistently. He won some and lost some, the way he had in life when he'd played with Daniel, Teal'c's wins quick and ruthless while Daniel's tended to be elaborate and clever but less realistic for a practical battle. Daniel didn't comment but rather continued playing, because Teal'c seemed to be having as much fun as could be expected in his situation.
After one of their games, though, Daniel said, "Are you afraid to die?"
The board reset itself abruptly as Teal'c looked up. "Uh," he said. "I think the risk is actually pretty small for kidney donors."
Of course. Because this was all some sort of metaphor for the situation with the symbiote, but the metaphor only extended so far. Removing a single kidney might be safe; removing the symbiote wasn't. But if Daniel couldn't help Teal'c survive this current ordeal, he could at least make sure his friend was ready for the journey after. Whether Teal'c lived or died, things would change, and he needed to be ready to face that.
"I'm not talking about this operation," Daniel said. "I mean in general. You have a dangerous job, and...well, everyone thinks about it sometimes, right?" When Teal'c hesitated, eyeing him sideways, Daniel added, "You don't have to act extra brave for my benefit. I'm not a little kid, and I'm willing to admit that I'm not eager to die. Do you think about it?"
Finally, Teal'c shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. We see enough of it on the job. I'm pretty good at my job, though," he said, quirking a half-smile, though a shadow of doubt remained in his expression, "so I tend not to get hurt as much as some."
Ah. That was true. "I believe you," Daniel said, smiling back.
"It'll be a pain recovering from this enough to go back on the job."
"Yeah, I know," Daniel said, very serious. "But you can always rebuild muscle and heal tissue--that's nothing. That's not what makes you a good...firefighter."
Tilting his head, Teal'c pointed out, "It helps." He shrugged. "My team depends on me, you know? So it's not like I've never thought about dying or getting seriously hurt."
"It's an acceptable risk when you know you're doing something good, but you still don't want it to happen," Daniel said. Teal'c seemed startled, though it was himself who had shown that to Daniel. "In fact, I bet the idea of this surgery is more nerve-wracking than running into burning buildings, huh?"
"A little bit," Teal'c admitted. "Maybe it's just all the waiting that gets to you. I mean, not like this operation's going to do anything horrible."
Not exactly, Daniel thought, forcing himself not to glance down at where Teal'c's symbiote pouch should be. "What do you think happens?" he asked. "After...you know. After."
I believe there are worlds beyond ours, Teal'c had told him once.
But now, Daniel sat frozen as the dream world shifted violently around him. He looked around, but Teal'c was still there, except this time, he was lying down and Apophis was sneering above him.
["You are afraid to die," Apophis hissed. "You know you will face me in the afterlife."]
With a jolt, the world returned to the safe, quiet room of the hospital. Teal'c didn't seem to have noticed the change, so Daniel tried to make his eyes a little less wide. "I don't really think about it," Teal'c lied badly.
"Uh-huh," Daniel said, thinking quickly about what he had just seen and what it meant. Apophis might be dead, but he still held power over them. "You want to know what I think?"
"What?" Teal'c said, humoring him but perhaps a bit curious, too.
"I think that, no matter what, there's another journey for us to take," Daniel said decisively. "You know--worlds to explore, new experiences to have. And even if it's different...I mean, obviously, it'll be different...it's not necessarily bad. You're the only one who decides what your path will be. I refuse to think that the next step on the journey--whether it's death or just a fork in the road of life--will be a passive one."
"The next step," Teal'c repeated.
The vision of Apophis flashed around them again. This time, as Teal'c stared, Daniel pulled a knife from his belt as he had years ago, he pressed it into Teal'c's hand, and they plunged it into the Goa'uld together.
As the vision faded again, leaving them both still seated before the chessboard as before, Daniel added calmly, "Of course, when I say 'you're the only one,' I mean you've still got your own will. I'm sure you have plenty of people willing to go down that road with you, like Bray and your coworkers."
"Now I really hope you're not talking about death," Teal'c said, though he seemed a little more cheerful.
Daniel shrugged, examining the game before him. "I'm just talking about whatever's next. Sometimes life changes, and you change with it; you don't let it change you. You have your own choices, but you're not alone."
"Hey, T, we've been looking for you," Sam said, right on cue, popping her head into the doorway just as he finished speaking. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah, fine," Teal'c answered. To Daniel, he added, "Listen, I've been here for a while--I should probably go."
Nodding in encouragement, Daniel said, "Okay. Good luck with everything."
...x...
The time after that, Teal'c looked exhausted and was sitting at Bray's bedside--the 'operation' must have already happened.
"Hey," Daniel said when Teal'c walked out, wandering into the corridor. "Mr. Fireman!"
Teal'c turned around. "Daniel Jackson." He glanced back over his shoulder, then gave Daniel a smile. "You're looking better."
"They released me a few weeks back," Daniel said, deciding his character would have recovered by now according to the timeline Teal'c's mind was creating. "I was going to take a walk. You looked like you could use some company--want to join me?"
"Well...sure, okay," Teal'c said.
As they stepped outside together, Daniel asked, "So, how's Bray?"
Teal'c walked a short distance before answering and finally sat down on a bench. "Not...great," he finally said.
Daniel joined him. "I'm sorry," he said. "But if they're not giving up on him yet, maybe...you know. Still a good chance."
"Yeah," Teal'c said, though he looked far from convinced. "How about your brother?"
"He's...uh, getting better," Daniel said. "What about you--are you sleeping better, at least?"
"Yep."
"You don't look like it."
Teal'c glanced at him. "Thanks," he said.
Daniel shrugged. "Are you still having those dreams? Hey, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he added when Teal'c started to look stubborn. "Just if you want another opinion. Look, in a week, you'll never see me again--what can it hurt?"
"Okay, fine, Mr. Psychology Student," Teal'c said, folding his hands in his lap. "All right. I have these dreams, and I can't tell that they're not real until I wake up. And then, I wake up again from this, and I'm back in the dream...except..." He scratched his head, letting out a sigh.
"Except the dream seems real again," Daniel guessed, "and what you thought was real seems like the dream."
Teal'c nodded. "So...interpret that one for me."
Tentatively--hoping Teal'c was tired or desperate enough by now that he wouldn't walk out this time--Daniel said, "Will you tell me what the other...well...what happens in the dream? Is it the one where you're on a team of people but you're not a firefighter?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"I promise I won't think it's crazy," Daniel said. "Believe me--I know crazy."
Shaking his head, Teal'c said, "Well, see what you think of this. I don't think I was even human. I was a..." He paused, looking embarrassed, then said, "...an alien. A Jaffa, whatever that means."
"Okay," Daniel said, trying not to give anything away. "Was everyone else an alien?"
"Nope--all human," Teal'c said. "They were my company from the fire hall, mostly--same people, different place and uniform. Even our command structure was pretty much the same--even Probie's there."
"Probie?" Daniel repeated. A moment later, he remembered having heard the word used earlier.
"Probationary fireman," Teal'c explained. "It's like calling someone a rookie." He looked up, straight at Daniel, and said, "His name's Jonas."
"Right. Uh, well, it makes sense that you'd surround yourself with your company," he reasoned. "So, um. A Jaffa, you said? What does that mean? Were you different from the others?"
Teal'c laughed a little at himself and shrugged. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "All I know is I've got this thing in my gut--I call it a symbiote in the dream. Helps keep me alive."
Daniel didn't laugh. He furrowed his brow, pretending to consider it carefully. "So it's separate from you, but it's...sort of integrated into your biology. You'd die if you lost it."
"Yeah, I think so," Teal'c said.
"Like an internal organ," Daniel suggested. "Something you'd be...understandably hesitant to give up." Teal'c raised that eyebrow at him. "Is Bray in your dream at all?"
"Which one?" Teal'c said, sighing in frustration. "I don't even know what's real anymore."
[Teal'c,] Jack's voice said, distracting Daniel for a moment. [Oh god, Teal'c, buddy, can you hear me?]
[Sir!] Sam's voice added. [Bra'tac's alive, too--]
[The others are all dead,] Jonas said. [This one's--and--I think all of their symbiotes are missing.]
[Teal'c's is gone, too,] Jack said grimly. [Jonas, help Carter with Teal'c--]
They were almost there. Daniel took a breath and said calmly, "Okay, so...when you're here, the other team, the aliens...that's the dream. And when you're there, this is the dream."
"Still think I'm not crazy?" Teal'c said.
"Yes, I do," Daniel said firmly. "So you don't feel much like a Jaffa right now, do you?"
Teal'c patted his abdomen as if to check for Junior, and while that was sort of what Daniel had meant, he knew the issue went deeper than that. "Not exactly."
"Because you're missing an important part of yourself?"
"I...don't think I really like the symbiote," Teal'c said, and quickly added, "In the dream."
[Teal'c, wake up,] Sam said. [I need to know what happened to you. Wake up!]
Daniel chewed his lip. "Whether or not you liked it," he said, "it was part of what made you what you were, yeah? Superficially, anyway. But you need to remember that it's your mind--your kalach--that makes you the man you are, not just your body. Whatever you do, remember that."
Too late, he realized he'd used an Abydonian word without thinking, but it was a word that had been adopted into Goa'uld and felt natural to Teal'c, too, and so his dream didn't register it as wrong. "You're making it sound like I really am an alien and this really is the dream," Teal'c said, looking confused.
"Well...well, think about it," Daniel said. "Neither world seems more real than the other."
Teal'c frowned. "No, not really."
"But both of them can't be real."
"I hope not, or I'm gonna start to lose it."
"Okay," Daniel said, watching out of the corner of his eye as Sam and Jonas carried Teal'c to the Stargate, Jack hauling Bra'tac over his shoulders. "You need to figure out which one is real, right? But how about this: if both are equally real, and both can't be real at the same time, then the only logical explanation would be that...well...neither is real."
On some level, Teal'c must have suspected already that something was wrong, because he didn't scoff or call Daniel insane. "What?" he said.
"No, think about it," Daniel said. "Maybe...you don't belong in either one. Maybe they're both dreams. You haven't woken up at all."
"Then what am I supposed to do?" Teal'c said.
[Med team!] Sam yelled, lowering Teal'c to the ramp as gently as she could. [Colonel O'Neill's coming through with Bra'tac. Janet!]
Daniel stood, listening for the sound of heels that would mean Janet was running into the embarkation room. "You have to hold on," he said aloud, already beginning to move away, watching the bustle of the 'gate room. "Just a little while longer."
"Wait, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said, standing too. "What are you talking about? You can't just leave like that!"
"I haven't left your side, Teal'c," Daniel said, focusing back on the face in this dream. Chief O'Neill was striding rapidly toward them. "And I’m not going to. That's a promise." O'Neill grasped Teal'c by the shoulder, and--
...x...
"--listen to me, okay," Janet said, crouching on the ramp. She was holding Teal'c's head between her hands, forcing him to look at her as Jack held his shoulders, restraining and supporting all at once. "This is very important. How long have you gone without your symbiote?"
"Bra'tac," Teal'c gasped, his eyes wild.
"It's okay," Janet said evenly. "He's alive, thanks to you, but I need to know how long--"
"You must save Bra'tac!" Teal'c insisted, bucking weakly against Jack's hold.
"We'll do our best, okay?" she said, standing and moving out of the way. Raising her voice, she added, "Let's take them both directly to OR One. Let's move!"
Daniel, Oma said. You've done all you can.
He stayed, following Teal'c with his eyes until both gurneys were out of sight, then reluctantly slipped away to watch from a distance.
...x...
"Did I make a difference?" Daniel said when Oma met him. "I'm not sure I did anything at all."
Oma was watching alongside him as Janet continued transferring Teal'c's symbiote from him to Bra'tac and the others quietly discussed which one of them should live, should it come to a choice. "Your time at the SGC," Oma said, "taught you to measure success by the far-reaching consequences of your actions. But even then, your team taught you that sometimes the only possible success is the survival of those few around you."
"They could both still die," Daniel said.
"You gave him a friend when he was frightened," she said. "Someone who would understand and care. You gave him hope for the rest of his journey in whatever form it may take."
"That's not enough," he said. "Not even close."
"It never is," she agreed. "In time, you will learn to resent it less and appreciate small deeds of comfort more."
Daniel didn't answer. He didn't think he ever would learn to resent it less, and he was terrified that she might be right--that one day, he might be willing to look away from suffering and be content with occasional good deeds.
"You did a good thing, Daniel," Oma said, her attention turned away from Earth and to him. Her tone was as much warning as it was reassuring. "Don't throw that away trying to do more than you can or should."
"Right," Daniel said. "Sure."
...x...
Daniel was waiting when Teal'c and Bra'tac were both stable and was selfishly a bit glad that the rest of SG-1 had retired for the night by the time Teal'c opened his eyes, coherent for the first time. He wanted a chance to talk to his friend--as a friend, not as a figment of a dream--and he was breaking rules just to do that without having an audience, too. "Hi, Teal'c," he said.
Teal'c turned his head slowly toward him in the empty infirmary. "Am I dreaming?" he said.
"Not this time," Daniel said. "Everyone's gone home, but I just wanted to check on you before I go, too." Teal'c's fingers wandered toward his symbiote pouch, and Daniel added, "Don't--don't touch it; Dr. Warner stitched you up. Junior's gone, but they've started you on something new, something that'll let you live without depending on a Goa'uld ever again."
"Tretonin," Teal'c said, narrowing his eyes as if trying to remember.
Nodding, Daniel said, "Yes, tretonin. The Tok'ra have given us--given the SGC enough doses of the drug to go on."
"Bra'tac?"
"Both you and Bra'tac are going to live, Teal'c, thanks to you."
"And to you, my friend," Teal'c said, searching his face closely.
Daniel shook his head. "I didn't do anything," he said. "That was you. You gave up your symbiote, knowing every time it could be your last, over and over for three days... No one else could have done it. No one else would have. I meant what I said, Teal'c--you're a good friend, and stronger than even I knew."
Teal'c settled back against his pillow. "This experience has been very different for me," he said.
"It was only what your mind needed to get through your ordeal. And it's not all going to be easy from here, but you need to remember the important things--you're alive, Bra'tac's alive, and this may seem like a different journey, but it's not a worse one. All of this is real now, and you need to get some sleep."
"Sleep," Teal'c echoed slowly, and Daniel wondered if he had slept at all since he had received his first prim'ta as a young boy, nearly a century ago.
"Close your eyes," he instructed softly. "Relax. Remember? Like you taught me. Just close your eyes and try to stop thinking too much. When you wake up, things will be better."
"Is that a promise, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c said.
Daniel smiled, swallowing a lump, knowing this was goodbye again. It didn't seem fair that he had to say goodbye so many times. "That's a promise," he said.
XXXXX
Oma left him alone while Teal'c and Bra'tac were healing. Daniel sequestered himself in his library and very pointedly did nothing but read about things that had nothing to do with the people he cared about most.
Ganos Lal's latest book didn't seem like anything new. Knowing these weren't actual, printed books but rather bundles of knowledge, he still flipped through it, in case he found something interesting. And then--
"The Others are always watching," one page said.
He looked up and found that there was, indeed, someone who looked like an old woman sitting silently in the corner, reading, not looking at him but undoubtedly aware of him. Trying to look casual, Daniel bent back over the book and continued reading:
Forgive how long this took. I needed an excuse that the Others would not find suspicious.
We spoke briefly of the Sangreal. I tell you now that it was so important that Moros was willing to Descend and retake human form for it. It was a weapon, but one that could be vital to the future of all life, and, indeed, the future of all Ascended beings. At the time, I believed him misguided and dangerous. While I still question his methods, I see now that his goal was right, and that lowers may not be able to complete this task without our aid. I ask you now to join me.
However, we cannot act if the Others suspect us. You must begin to gain their confidence. This may take a long time, but you should now be aware that time is very different on this plane. The Others will eventually tire of watching you and allow you access to all the knowledge and powers of an Ascended being, but this will not happen if you continue your small interferences among lowers. Whether or not you accept my proposal, I advise you to accept this counsel, for you will otherwise never be free of their suspicion.
If we are to succeed in finding the Sangreal, it will not be soon or without well-formed plans. I ask nothing now but discretion, even from Oma Desala. If she believes our efforts will interfere with her own, she may betray us to the Others. I have found you to be worthy of trust--I ask not for the same trust in return, but only for our continued discussions. Larger goal or no, I find myself enjoying our debates.
I look forward to our next meeting.
--Ganos Lal, once called Morgan le Fay
Daniel took a deep breath. Then he took another. He skimmed over the note once more, then turned the page and pretended to continue reading as his mind whirled.
This was what was confusing Oma, Daniel realized. She had said that Ganos Lal deceived people, and perhaps it was true, but it only meant that she was more subtle in her workings--she supported something the Others did not, but she was better at toeing the line. Oma was more honest and forthright, and everyone knew her virtues as well as her faults. Who was to say, after all, that Ganos Lal wasn't as right--or more so--than Oma?
On the other hand...
Daniel suspected he was the only one who hadn't realized that Ganos Lal and Morgan le Fay were one and the same, even with all the pieces laid out for him. She had never told an explicit lie--she had never claimed outright not to be Morgan, and when she had said that Merlin hadn't been Ascended at the time, he had assumed the same of Morgan. That meant, though, that he would always have to wonder if he was missing something--he couldn't even be sure now if she was misleading him somehow. For all he knew, she might be doing this on the Others' orders and lying when she said otherwise.
Still, if Oma had known who Ganos Lal was and had let Daniel fish blindly for clues about Morgan le Fay anyway, then Oma was hiding things from him, too. He wasn't sure if that was because she was too afraid of what the Others would do if she told him too much or simply because she didn't want him to know.
He couldn't trust anyone, he realized with a chill, because no one here trusted him.
All of a sudden, Daniel missed his team very much.
The Other in the corner was still there, so he pushed the sentiment aside and reached for another book to read. In the absence of anything resembling a team, he needed a plan, and to formulate a plan, he needed to understand whatever he could. Oma wanted him to be more passive. Ganos Lal wanted the opposite, but even she didn't want him to do anything now. Whether or not he trusted her, he wouldn't have to act on it yet, and her advice not to antagonize the Others any further was good advice that everyone wanted him to follow. If he wanted to carve his own path, he needed to avoid any more scrutiny than he'd already attracted.
XXXXX
And yet...
Daniel followed Bra'tac when he left after starting on tretonin. He seemed fine--he seemed as strong as ever, and Rya'c certainly didn't find any new weaknesses in his teacher. They successfully led a group of recruits from their home to a rebel camp, and everything seemed to be progressing as usual.
Until they were caught.
Daniel stood and watched until he couldn't bear anymore to stand idly by while Rya'c was beaten or Bra'tac whipped on Rya'c's behalf while Rya'c screamed, Tek'ma'tae, no! Master!
He sighed and turned to leave...
Bra'tac shouted, and a rush of rebels--himself, Rya'c, three more Daniel didn't recognize--attacked the Jaffa guarding the Stargate. In the brief chaos that broke out, Bra'tac ripped a device from the forearm of one of the guards and lunged for the DHD. Daniel watched closely as he dialed--Eridanus, Centaurus, Cancer, Libra, Triangulum, Sculptor--
The Alpha Site. Of course--Bra'tac didn't have a GDO and knew better than to try to SGC without one.
Using the stolen device, Bra'tac sent a code through the wormhole just before he was recaptured along with the others who had helped him.
Daniel watched them struggle in vain--it was wrong, he thought, that he could watch slaves fight for their lives while he had the power to change it all and still could do nothing.
"Ooh--so close," a voice said from behind him, and he turned to see Jim shaking his head as he peeked into the scene. "Shame. Ba'al's really got 'em locked down tight on that world."
"Yeah," Daniel agreed, and thought about what Jim had said before about tipping points. Sometimes--like now, when he watched Teal'c's son begin to collapse from exhaustion--he thought he was balancing at a tipping point already. He wondered what would happen if he ever found an excuse to jump off the other side and welcomed the feeling of freedom that the thought gave him.
"Ah, well," Jim said, and turned to leave.
One day, Daniel thought, and returned to his room, too.
XXXXX
The news these days was all about Anubis. Daniel knew just about all there was to know about the mythological side of Anubis, but as for the Goa'uld himself...
"Anubis again?" Oma said. "Or are you back to Morgan le Fay?"
Daniel resisted the urge to tell her he knew who Morgan was, thank you very much, and instead turned a page. "Anubis," he said. "He's found the Eye of Apophis. I've found all the information I can on the Eyes' general properties, but Anubis himself is still like a blank to me. I can't learn anything about him at all."
She sighed. "Is this a phase, or am I going to spend the rest of eternity watching you flit from one obsession to another?"
"I'm dead because of Anubis," Daniel said. "I'm justifiably curious."
"You're not dead," she said.
"I might as well be, for all the good it's doing," he said.
Oma sat down at the table across from him. "You need to be patient," she said again. "It will seem better in time."
Daniel angrily flipped the book shut. "How long did it take you to stop caring whether your friends were hurt? Or did you just wait until they died and freed you of that burden?"
She didn't answer.
Without waiting for her to speak, Daniel slipped into the world Seth had used as one of his bases before fleeing to Earth. The information Jim had given him mentioned the Eyes of Osiris and Seth--Osiris herself might have led Anubis to one of them, but if he had found the Eye of Seth, he must have had some record or research to go on.
"It was your choice to do what you did on Revanna," Oma said, still following him when he finally found something.
"If it hadn't been for Anubis, I wouldn't have had to make that choice," Daniel said as he searched. "And dozens--maybe hundreds--of Tok'ra would still be alive now, not to mention that the other System Lords would be dead."
"Is this revenge, then?"
Daniel turned to look at her. "My people are in danger, and I can't believe I'm standing by, doing research for my own curiosity."
Oma tilted her head. "Curiosity has always been a good enough reason for you."
Which was why he'd been on a team for his abilities, but not as a commander or second-in-command or strategic advisor. Now, though, he didn't have the luxury of being curious for curiosity's sake until Jack or Sam or Teal'c called, 'Enough!' He was on his own now.
"It's not enough when my friends could die," he said. "There are priorities. Sometimes defensive and offensive reasons have to come before academic curiosity, and now, I can't do anything about it."
"Your friend Martouf has been here less time than you, and already he is adjusting to--"
"Then maybe you should've Ascended him instead of me in the first place."
"You know that's not what I mean," Oma said.
Daniel shook his head. "Doesn't mean it's not true."
"You were trained," she said carefully, taking a step toward him, "to believe that you had a duty--an obligation to fight while most others would stand aside. What was it you told Teal'c in his dream? That he didn't have to do what he did for Bra'tac at the risk of his own life?"
"But he did it anyway," he said. "Because he had to. I have to. I can't sit here and do nothing when I know what's at stake for them."
"Every person has a right simply to be," she said. "You and your team fought hard to give other people that chance, and you have paid dearly for it. You've earned the right to stop fighting--to leave that to someone else who has not already given his life for others."
"What kind of person would that make me?" he said.
Oma sighed. "Just a person, Daniel," she said. "That's all. There are people like you in every society. The Jaffa have warriors. The Alterans--the Ancients--had fleets with armies. On Abydos, you called them watalu--the village Guards."
"That makes no sense; I was never one of the Guards or a...a Jaffa warrio--"
"In your country on Earth," she went on, "they are called soldiers." He shook his head, but she was already continuing, "And...airmen, marines, firefighters...ones who run into fire when others run away. We are born with the instinct for survival--it takes hard training to learn to put that aside, and not everyone can. That is nature, not cowardice. You weren't always one of those warriors, Daniel. You've done your part--it's time to let that go."
"You said 'we are born,'" he countered. "You and the Others can distance yourselves from the...the lowers as much as you want, but we were them once, and you know it. We can't just turn a blind eye. Maybe I wasn't always one of...of the front line, Oma, but I'm not a child anymore, and I refuse to stand aside like one."
Oma shook her head, reaching up to his shoulder to smooth the nonexistent cloth of his imaginary clothing, and he glanced down to see that he was wearing his old SG-1 uniform now. "Growing up does not have to mean putting yourself aside for others," she said, squeezing his arm gently. "The way you've lived, I wonder if you truly understand the difference."
"I don't know anything else," he said, wondering if she had taken this last mannerism from his memories of his mother or if it was simply how she always acted around her children. "What do you want from me?"
"I only want you to reach your potential," Oma said. "And I want you to trust me on this: this fight with Anubis is not your battle. It's not for you to fight, and it's not one you can win."
But I have to fight it, he almost said, and You shouldn't have picked me.
Whether it was Morgan's warning, though, or something else, he stayed quiet. Better if no one suspected him of anything. Speaking up was all well and good, but sometimes, maybe he had to start thinking the way Jack would have, like he was facing the prospect of a campaign that could take either minutes or years to finish. He needed information, now, and a plan.
"Why is Anubis different?" he asked instead of answering her directly. "How can that possibly be something I shouldn't know about?"
"Because it's not your business," she said, sounding tired. "It's mine."
To disguise his curiosity at that answer, Daniel turned back to studying what little he'd found to the Eye of Seth. "What about the six Eyes?" he said. "What's he doing with them?"
"For now?" she said. "Collecting them. After that? You know we can't tell the future."
"But we can make a good guess," Daniel said. "They're weapons of some sort. Right?"
"Each of them is, yes," Oma said, "and all of them together would make a weapon many times as strong as the sum of its parts, as I'm sure you know from your own recent research."
Daniel thought that over. Sam and Martouf had examined the Eye of Tiamat back when they'd first found it, but they hadn't understood it. Daniel could see how the devices worked now, though, because it was, after all, only a mildly complex network of matter that directed energy in certain ways. If anyone alive knew how to do it, then Anubis--as old as he was, as powerful as he had grown--would know. Perhaps other Goa'uld knew, too. Some were old enough that they had surely seen the Eyes used before they had all been lost.
"So..." Daniel said, "I know there's an Eye of Osiris, Seth, Apophis, Tiamat. Probably Ra, given how important that symbol was to him. If there are six, there's still one more I don't know about..." He looked up at her hopefully.
"I won't help you go down this path, Daniel," she said.
He had to find someone who would help him, then. Shifu wouldn't if she wouldn't--if Oma thought Daniel had been indoctrinated by the SGC, certainly Shifu had been by her. Ganos Lal might wish for good, but she was too frightened of the Others' attention and too willing to accept collateral damage, if there was any truth to the stories of her and Merlin.
But there was one who had seemed willing to help him...
"Maybe I'll just ask Jim," he said.
"Don't," Oma snapped, and actually reached out to grab his arm. "Daniel! Whatever you do, do not tell him anything you know about the Eyes. I know you think I'm being...unreasonable or paranoid, but sometimes you have to trust me."
Daniel backed away from her--she had no power here, away from Kheb--and freed himself from her grasp. "I'd like to," he said. "Tell me what you have against him--tell me anything without all the evasions, or I'll go and ask him myself."
"He's...not a good person," she said. "Why do you think he was talking to you and just happened to bring up the Eyes? He wants them for something terrible."
"If he's so terrible, how did he even Ascend?" Daniel said, and then remembered, "He called you 'Mother.'"
She looked down.
"You helped him Ascend," he said.
"Yes, he's one of mine," she said. "He found me at Kheb--fooled me deliberately. He is the reason I was exiled."
"No--I thought you were exiled because you helped people in general Ascend--"
"You helped Martouf," she said impatiently, "and even with the Others' suspicions on you, you remain, more or less, free. It was a very special case that brought their wrath on me."
"But...he can't do anything," Daniel said. "The Others would..." He trailed off, thinking of what else Jim had said to him that one time they'd met. "This is...that's why the Others don't like people like me. Is this...was he..."
"You are not like him," she said sharply. "However much you disobey the Others, you would never be as corrupt as he."
"But how is he corrupt?" he asked, teetering between skepticism and a sense of dawning horror. "And did he start out that way? I mean...maybe he...he doesn't like the Others, Oma. I agreed with everything he said--he--maybe it's just a matter of...of...methods, and--"
"He lied to me," she said again. "He reached Ascension by lying to the one person who might be foolish enough to believe him. He knew exactly what he was doing."
"But Jim told me about Anubis," Daniel said. "He told me about the Eyes. Why would he--"
"He asked you about the Eyes," Oma said. "Remember? He charmed you just like he charmed me. He told you what you wanted to hear and even gave you some harmless information to seem helpful. And then he asked you about the Eyes--what you knew, whether the SGC had them..."
"But I didn't know anything about the Eyes," he said, not wanting to believe her because it made everything more complicated. "Except--"
"Don't," she interrupted. "Whatever it is, I don't want to know it. Anubis has already shown interest in you several times--or, at least, interest in taunting you--and if he's listening..."
"Anubis hasn't shown interest in...me..." Daniel started, but Oma lowered her eyes again, and again, Daniel felt the pieces click into place far too late. "Jim? He's...Anubis is...I had a conversation with Anubis?" And then, "You Ascended Anubis!"
"I have tried to undo the mistake," she insisted. "But mistakes like Anubis are why the Others disapprove of what I do."
"I'm not like him," Daniel said, even as he thought that he was, a little. Anubis had been playing him for a fool--calling himself Jim, using Jack's words and Tau'ri turns of speech, commiserating about Anubis...but some of it had to have been true. What did it mean that Daniel had so heartily agreed and still did now, even knowing what he knew?
"No," she said quickly. "You're not. You have qualities that cause the Others to see you the same way, which is why you have to be that much more careful. But you are nothing like him."
"Qualities," he repeated hollowly.
"You're both...keen to have power in your hands," she said. "Not for the same reasons, I know--"
"I don't want power," Daniel protested.
"You Ascended because you thought you could do more this way," Oma said, "not because you thought you could be more."
"But how can that be wrong?" he said.
"I didn't say it was," she said. "You know my beliefs. But it scares the Others. If you were someone else, it might scare me, too. Sometimes, it still does."
"I wouldn't do something terrible," Daniel said. "Not like Anubis."
"I don't think you...would try to do anything wrong," she agreed, and despite her soft tone, he could hear the careful phrasing of her words. "But Anubis certainly has and would."
"And that's why you spend so much time watching me," he said.
"Everyone needs a guide in the beginning," she said tactfully.
"Was Anubis like me at first?"
"No," she said. "You seek power because you wish to do good. He sought power because he wished to rule. But my punishment is to have no power to stop what he's doing."
"The Others will--"
"No, Daniel," she said, shaking her head. "They won't. They sent him back, but only partially. A mistake made by an Ascended being with a mortal... I made the mistake. If they fixed it, it would only encourage what I do."
"They'd let the whole galaxy suffer for your mistake," Daniel said, not sure why he was still surprised. "To punish you?"
"Don't forget how small that galaxy is to them," she said. "Billions may suffer to punish me, but seeing what I caused might stop me and others like me from committing--or facilitating--hundreds of trillions of more crimes."
Daniel exhaled slowly, staring at his feet. "You don't think they could've stopped Anubis when they realized it hasn't worked as a deterrent for you?"
"But it has," she said quietly. "I've been careful. I haven't stopped my work because it wouldn't stop the mistake I already made, but I haven't made a mistake like that since Anubis. Many, many more people would have Ascended with my help if I hadn't realized I had to be more careful, and I might have done something...even worse."
Despite everything she had done for him, a sense of horror kept trying to creep in when he looked at her. "You Ascended Anubis," he said again.
"And people have died for my mistake," Oma said. "I know--believe me, I know. All I can do--"
"There has to be something," he said. "I don't believe there's simply no way."
"You don't think I've tried?" she said.
"I don't think you've tried enough," he retorted.
She didn't answer.
"It's not fair," he said, feeling betrayed, though he couldn't have said who he thought had betrayed him. He'd tried so very hard to convince himself that he was taking the wiser path by standing aside, no matter what atrocities he could see on the lower planes. He didn't have the right to step in when mortals had problems, and he might have trouble adhering to that philosophy, but he wasn't essentially opposed to it.
But Anubis.
Anubis wasn't of the lower planes anymore; he was a product of Ascension and mistakes made by Ascended beings, perpetrating crimes on mortals who had little or no way to stop him. How could that possibly be fair? How could it be right?
Maybe this was Daniel's tipping point. Maybe that had been Jim's--Anubis's--plan all along, to make him step out of line and remove himself from the collective of Others who could potentially influence him, but he didn't care anymore--Anubis might have said it first, but it was still true. Maybe Ascension wasn't Daniel's path, and it was time to make that decision.
Oma sighed, looking dejected. "Do you understand now why I try so hard to stop you from defying them?"
Yes, Daniel thought, and, Not good enough. "He's looking for the Eyes," he said. "He's trying to build a weapon. You've been watching him too, yes?"
"Yes. He's only missing two: the Eye of Ra and the Eye of Tiamat."
"Wh--wait a minute," Daniel said, frowning. "I thought he'd only found the Eyes of Osiris, Seth, and Apophis."
"The other is the Eye of Anubis," she said, looking resigned. "He didn't need help to find that one. You've asked me why you can't see Anubis like you can see everyone else--he might be only partially Ascended, but he is so much more experienced than you. You've balked at learning the rules, but he didn't--he learned how to use them for his ends. Please. If you listen to nothing else I say, please leave him alone, for your own sake."
There were two Eyes left. One was on Earth--probably gathering dust on a shelf by now, since no one knew how it worked. The other, the Eye of Ra...there was only one place it could be. Daniel and Skaara hadn't found it before, even with the help of Robert and SG-11, but they hadn't known what they were looking for. Now...
Abydos had been the center of Ra's domain. Anubis would know that, too. Daniel couldn't let that happen, not when he knew what Anubis was and when they had tried so hard to keep Abydos a safe haven in the galaxy.
If he did anything, no one would turn a blind eye. Even Oma wouldn't shield him. Ganos Lal might be planning something--something huge, if she was telling the truth--but if he did this, he would never gain enough trust among the Others to be able to help her. Maybe they would kill him for it, or whatever the equivalent was for someone already Ascended. Whatever happened to him this time...
But what was the point of living--of existing--if he didn't do this? There was no choice, really, not when it was his home, his family, his people at stake.
"Okay," Daniel said calmly, as if he weren't contemplating which plan of action would let him survive the longest before the Others stepped in to punish him. "I'm going to do some more research. I want to know more about how all of this happened. I'll be wandering around, all right? Maybe look through my library again."
Oma looked at him suspiciously. "You'll do nothing?" she said.
"I understand the consequences," he said solemnly. "You know I wouldn't risk my friends."
"All right," she said. Daniel tried not to look like he was hurrying as he slipped away.
...x...
He went to his library first. He'd already learned as much as he could about the Eyes, so instead, he pulled out Ganos Lal's--Morgan's--book and flipped several pages past the note she'd left him.
I'm not your scapegoat with the Others, he wrote in the margin, and I have my own path to follow. Whatever you're planning, do it yourself.
He'd just finished when Oma stopped by. "What, you didn't think I'd be here?" he said, flipping surreptitiously back to the page with Morgan's note, hiding his own words from view.
"I thought you acquiesced too easily," she admitted. "I'm glad to be wrong."
With a silent apology, Daniel turned Morgan's book around to face her and said, "Oma, I found this note in a book Ganos Lal gave me--I guess you were right in thinking she was trying to manipulate me." She looked at him sharply and took it from him, skimming quickly. "Don't tell on her," he said, trying to look earnest while nearly squirming with impatience. "Maybe she can do some good. I just...thought you should know."
Oma scowled and took the book. "I won't say anything to the Others," she said, "but she shouldn't have put you in this position. I need to speak with her." She gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Daniel. I'm glad you brought this to me."
"Of course," Daniel said, willing her to go away. He tried not to think too hard about what she'd just told him: that Anubis had lied to her, too, because she was the only one who cared enough to believe it. "It seems you're the only one I can trust here."
Her smile brightened, gentle, honest, and genuine. However cynical she sometimes seemed, she hadn't truly learned the lesson the Others' punishment should have taught her; she could still believe so strongly in her latest child's goodness that she could be fooled by him.
Daniel smiled back at her and carefully pushed the thought aside as she left. The end didn't always justify the means, but sometimes it did, and if Daniel had learned anything in his time here, it was that he could not sit by like this any longer when the Others were letting one of their own slaughter mortals. Oma would disapprove. He only hoped she would understand afterward.
...x...
"Martouf," Daniel said when he found his friend. "I need your help."
Martouf studied him with a look of vague consternation but said, "What is it?"
"Nothing big," Daniel promised. "I'm about to do...something. Oma's busy for now, but when she's done with that, if you can do it without drawing suspicion, ask her a question or...or whatever. I just need a little time without her watching me. If anyone starts looking at you, then...then back off. Don't put yourself in harm's way."
"Daniel," Martouf said quietly, "what are you doing?"
"Try to buy me a little time," he said without answering, "but don't draw attention to yourself."
"You can't tell me something like that and expect me to stand aside," Martouf said.
"Look, I can't do this," he said. "Maybe you can do good up here among the Others, but my fight is down on the lower planes. I'll feel better knowing that someone as good as you is up here."
Martouf looked torn. "All right," he said. "I'll find Oma for you, but--"
"Do me a favor, okay?" Daniel interrupted. "If you want to help, there's an Ancient here named Ganos Lal--her name on Tau'ri is Morgan le Fay. See if you can figure out what her endgame is and if it's something worth your help. If not, then leave it--turn around and keep going on your own path." Martouf started to say something. "I have to go," Daniel said quickly and rushed away to set his plans into motion.
Continued in Part IIIe...