Merlin Big Bang: Academy (Part Four)
~.~.~
Their fourth year was going to be horrid. Not horrid in the sense that they were going to be mutilated in some way or other or in the sense that life as they knew had no sense of purpose. Mostly horrid in the way teenagers always thought everything was horrid, even the smell of bad cheese.
On top of their Animagus training, that was still a secret, surprisingly, they had mountains of homework. Their teachers hid behind the reason that they were fourth years now and they needed to get a hold of it before their OWLs next year. Arthur could only hope that, by then, changing into animal form would no longer resemble the feeling of being dropped into a vat of hot oil.
Besides all this academic crap and things they did for love, Arthur and Lance had Quidditch practices every week and, whenever they got back to their dorms, their every muscle and nerve was sore from flying and holding on to the broomsticks their fathers had bought for them.
All the nights Arthur didn’t fall asleep in the common room in front of the fire, trying to finish off his homework, he fell asleep in his bed hours after his scheduled bedtime. All of them barely had enough time to pull off any quality pranks in the first few months of school and he supposed Freak Lake had some time of comfort in the time they were all exhausted and busy.
It was even more exhausting keeping a secret. He, Lance and Morgana couldn’t tell Gwen the truth of why they always looked more tired than anyone else when they packed up for the morning’s classes. No, Arthur and Lance hid behind their Quidditch practices and Morgana would slyly say that she had dates.
Neither was actual lies because, damn, Quidditch could be really tiring and all he needed at the end of the day was to fall asleep on a willing lap and curl up and die there.
And Morgana, well, she was never lying about the dates. Somewhere during Christmastime, she had gotten offers to go Hogsmeade with some of the boys of the Academy, fourth years and seniors alike. She declined them, at first, thinking that this was just some big joke played on her organized by Gwaine or one of the other likely candidates. But Leon, the kind, honest soul that he was - who had been in love with Morgana since second year, before anyone even had even taken an interest in her - sat her down and told her she should go on one of the dates the boys were offering because they were telling the truth.
Since then, she started becoming busy on weekends and came back with a rosy glow and a knowing smile. All the while, Arthur could see Leon in the corner of the room twiddling his fingers as Morgana blurted out every detail of her dates to Gwen in front of him in the common room. Leon was too kind for his own good, he decided.
The point was, Gwen still didn’t know and he felt bad about it, yes, because she loved them and she was probably worried about their health or something. And, besides, sometimes he just really wanted to tell her that he was becoming a kick-ass Animagus.
“It sucks Gwen still doesn’t know. I mean, it’s been months since we started,” Morgana said over breakfast in the Great Hall.
It was one of those slow November afternoons, the ones where they had finished the homework due soon and they had a free period to be as lazy as a daisy and let their legs hang two feet off the ground. Gwen was off doing errands for Tregor -if she wasn’t elected Prefect next year then Arthur didn’t believe in justice anymore- but promised she’d be back soon so they still had to filter their talks.
“We didn’t know for two years and we only found out cause Arthur found her like that. Who knows if we would ever find out then? Imagine, if you will, an alternate universe,” Lance said mysteriously, waving his hands like a fake magician.
“In which you guys are even bigger dickheads?” Morgana laughed and flicked a piece of bread at Lance’s face.
“I just wanna get a hold of this Changing. I don’t want my animal traits to hang around me. I do not want perfect stature and I do not want to neigh,” Arthur groaned, putting his head on the great oak table.
Lance started laughing, remember one such instance where Arthur did neigh, one he couldn’t resist telling again. “Your date with Joy Bryans was a disaster because of it. You really shouldn’t have said yes to her date only weeks after we started, when neither of us got a hold of our traits yet. I mean, Morgana was licking her palm and I was, well, licking people and wagging my foot.”
“Oh, don’t remind me. You kept jumping on me whenever I was in bed and licking my face. It was traumatizing,” Arthur moaned.
“You ever wonder why I’m a cat and Lance is a dog, though?” Morgana asked, twirling her fork between her fingers.
Lance smiled at her and Arthur sniggered. “Maybe we were just born to hate each other,” Lance said then leaned over and gave her a sloppy kiss of the dog he was.
A summer and a few months changed a lot of things for a lot of people. But, for Merlin Emrys, it only changed one big thing in his life: his perspective.
When Taliesin called him singularly gifted, his mind had been reeling, of questions and thoughts and things that were in between. Possibly being singularly gifted hadn’t been his main concern. Partly because most of his being still doubted there was such a thing but mostly because he was concerned more about the fact that the aim of his life, his very purpose to be rooted on this earth at this time and place was Arthur.
He curtly say his goodbye to the Professor, and went back to the dragon’s lair, for that was what he decided to call it because it was just a deserted hallway so it didn’t quality as a dungeon, hoping. Hoping for something, something he didn’t know.
The dragon looked like he was frozen. It was unmoving and its eyes, although open, looked cold and dead. For a scary moment, he thought the dragon was dead, until he heard breathing coming from the head.
“Hello?” Merlin asked awkwardly. “Dragon?”
The dragon’s eyes blinked and, suddenly, it was like it had been activated. “Yes, Emrys?” it asked.
“I just want to know, your destiny for me, my destiny, if I choose to accept I, I wanna know if it’s real,” Merlin breathed out in a single hope.
“It’s as real as you are or it will be.”
“Will be?”
“Do you accept it?” the way the dragon posed that question was downright menacing. It was looming over him like a big building threatening to fall on his face if he didn’t balance it out.
“I don’t know. I don’t know!”
“Find out, Emrys, and soon,” the dragon said.
From then on out, Merlin did nothing but look at the signs; look at the pro’s and con’s of the dragon telling the truth and found, surprisingly, more ups to this than downs. He kept thinking that if the dragon was telling the truth, there would be no direct harm if he protected Arthur. It wouldn’t ruin his life to make sure Arthur was alive at the end of the day. His life would not get any worse, nor would it get any better. Protecting Arthur would be like doing a chore; you had to do it anyway.
He had to do it discreetly, if anything. Merlin wasn’t part of Arthur’s circle and Arthur was only on his because some big Almighty power speaking through the mouth of an ancient dragon drew some extra lines around them. There was no big change in his life, in the end, just the fact that, whatever he did, wherever he went, the only thing that would remain constant was the fact that he had to be there for Arthur.
Whether he knew about it or not.
Because Merlin was a responsible person, his parents could attest to that. Because, if there was a big reason in doing something, a big, great reason, he would do it. The dragon claimed that, if he protected Arthur, the wizarding world would be safe. And he had to do that. He wasn’t a selfish being; he had to do it for the world.
Merlin didn’t tell Freya about it, he didn’t tell anyone about it because she would just tell him that he was naïve for believing a dragon when he said that his destiny was Arthur. Maybe he was naïve, maybe he was gullible but he also just needed to have some kind of purpose. Someone needed him now and he wasn’t going to let that responsibility run through his fingers.
When summer break started, Merlin worried for Arthur’s safety. With friends like his, and an attitude like his, there would be no doubt that Arthur and the other three would be up to mischievous and potentially dangerous pranks during the holidays so, just to be safe, Merlin got out his cautious side.
It wasn’t hard to cast the spell, after all, they spent most of their days together in class. The Protection Charm would be nothing more than a security blanket over his destiny and to keep it and Arthur safe during the holidays.
In those three months away from the Academy, Merlin wanted to say that he worried every minute of every day for the destiny he could lose to a firecracker misfiring or a dark route in the woods but it didn’t happen like that. He’d lived thirteen years not caring about what Arthur Pendragon did or didn’t do and it was hard to break the habit.
But he wasn’t going to lie and say that, once he got back to school, the first face he looked for was Arthur’s. He looked around the platform for a familiar swish of blonde hair, the laughter induced by a stupid joke, the blue eyes that he normally avoided but sometimes sought out to make his purpose a concrete one; one that he knew was there.
He found it, of course he did. Merlin wondered why he even worried that Arthur Pendragon couldn’t last the summer without being protected. Arthur stood by the platform with Gwen, talking. She waved to him and he gave her a warm smile in return, while Arthur searched him all over, making Merlin feel a tingly feeling up his spine.
Despite his destiny, Merlin was determined not let it overcome his life. He still had his studies, his academics and his friends to pay attention to. Arthur was a completely different part of his life, if those few months of surveying his safety would even land Arthur a spot in his life at all.
But, either way, this was going to be a hard year. Even his friends noticed.
“Hey, Merlin, you okay, mate?” Leon asked him over breakfast.
It was about three months into the new school year and they found a bit of piece in this November afternoon. He and Leon had a free period, while Freya was not that lucky with her Slytherin-Hufflepuff class so the only people lazing around the Academy were the Ravenclaws and Gryffindors.
“Mm, fine, just tired, is all,” Merlin nodded.
“You’ve been tired a lot,” Leon cocked his head, his face in his typical worry-wart stage. “Nothing the matter, I hope?”
“Nothing I can’t handle,” Merlin reassured him with a smile.
Leon didn’t seem to buy it and raised his eyebrows sceptically but went back to his breakfast so Merlin guessed he won this time around. They heard laughter at the other end of the table and Leon looked at the direction. Arthur, Lance and Morgana were at their usual spot.
Merlin could see where Leon was looking, right at Morgana’s direction, but, after a few solid moments, he looked away, blushing and rolling his spoon between his fingers. Sometimes Merlin wished Leon could be brave and just tell Morgana how he felt.
He looked at their direction, too, and saw Morgana and her endless beauty, gifted to one so young, and then looked at the guy he shared a destiny with. Merlin didn’t even know why it was him and Arthur didn’t even know. No one knew. No one would understand, least of all him.
Merlin looked away, no one really caring how much time had passed since he first looked at Arthur, no one even knowing the gravity of the situation and realizing how much he really needed to talk to someone about this. He grabbed his books and said goodbye to Leon.
But his goodbye didn’t come in the form of a smile and nod from his friend, no, it came in the form of inspecting eyes from the other side of the table, from Percival who, he guessed, was the only person who noticed how long Merlin had been looking.
He couldn’t deal with that now, whatever that was. He had more important things to deal with. By now, he already knew the route by heart. The twists and turns that no one knew about had been the road taken by his footsteps whenever he needed answers.
The darkness never changed, as if it kept count of Merlin’s visit and always turned the gloom on when he did. The atmosphere, too, was just as eerie as the first time. The only difference was that Merlin knew who it was at the end of the hallway.
“Ah, Emrys,” the dragon greeted him. Even with his warmest smile, he still looked a bit cold. “What is it now?”
“I just wanted to talk,” Merlin breathed out.
“There is no ‘just wanting to talk’ with you. You have ulterior motives just like I do,” the dragon laughed.
“It’s just, how am I supposed to protect someone who doesn’t even care about me?” Merlin sighed, leaning his back against the hard wall.
“Harder things have been accomplished.”
“Yeah, maybe, but not all of them involve a pig-headed brat and a singularly gifted kid who doesn’t even know what he’s doing,” he said, starting to get annoyed with all of this.
“It’s not easy being alone, is it?”
“Who said anything about being alone?”
“You did. You wouldn’t be talking to me if you weren’t. You would’ve had someone to talk to me, someone who isn’t a thing. It is a travesty, being alone, but it is not the end of the world. It’s the end of the world if you throw away your destiny.”
Merlin hadn’t known he was really alone until the dragon said it was. Figures. You were never really someone until someone else said you were. He was alone. Freya was hanging out with her Slyhertin mates a lot more than she used to and Leon always had Gwaine to hang out with. No one was permanently there for him anymore. And, yeah, he felt alone.
Alone in dealing with destiny, alone with being different than everyone else. Merlin had the strong urge to just tell Taliesin or, at the very least, ask him about who it was that he thought was singularly gifted like he was. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t let someone else walk around with this burden and this difference. That was just being cruel.
“I’m not throwing away my destiny,” Merlin said. It was as if he had decided, in that moment, that it was the honest truth, something he’d hold on to for the rest of his days because if it was hard enough being alone, he couldn’t imagine the depression that would come from not having a purpose.
“Then why are you here?” the dragon asked.
“Because at least I have company here. It might be in the shape of a dragon head strapped to the wall with a condescending voice but, at least I’m not very alone here,” Merlin shrugged.
“I would never have expected you to regard me as a comfort. You must be really sad, Emrys,” the dragon laughed.
He had no idea.
Merlin, from then on our, became somewhat isolated. He still talked to his friends, Leon and Gwaine and Elena, and hung out with Freya to the best of his ability when she wasn’t with her fellow Slytherins. But he cared for nothing anymore.
It was like he had accepted himself as a loner and he would always be alone. That, even if he wasn’t alone, surrounded by friends and academics and things piling up on his to-do list, he was always going to be lonely. He had once prided himself on being first on someone’s list, that someone being Freya, or his mum or dad.
But now that even Freya had begun abandoning him and his parents could only send him a written reassurance, the type he could not feel and see -therefore not really a reassurance at all- all he felt was the insecurities of abandonment.
Everyone had something else to do that didn’t involve him that just hurt, at first. Now, not so much. Merlin wasn’t really worried that he was slowly becoming apathic; he was worried about not being worried.
All he had; the only thing that was truly his was his destiny and that, in itself, was a chellange. A challenge he was willing to face for the sake of his sanity. He kept more tabs on Arthur, made sure he made all the right turns. He was sure, to any other eye, he would immediately be classified as a stalker but he really wasn’t.
He was just holding on to one of his parts. He began thinking a scary thought, that if he lost Arthur he would slowly but surely begin to lose himself.
As Merlin sat himself at the stands on a damp December afternoon, one of the last before winter break, he wondered if fourteen was an age too young to be losing one’s self. Merlin brought a book to make him less conspicuous but no one paid him any attention. Quidditch practices didn’t render the huge crowds actual games did but there was still amount of people. Mostly people who were sick of the long corridors of the Academy and some of the girlfriends of the players.
Speaking of which, Arthur’s new fling, an olive-skinned third-year beauty whose named escaped Merlin at the moment (Cassie? Kate? He wasn’t sure) waved at Arthur and blew him a kiss. Merlin felt a fire brew at the pit of his stomach. He passed it off as just the feeling of wanting to throw up at the public display of affection. A display, it seemed, that wasn’t well received by Arthur, who cringed and only gave away a small, awkward wave in return. Merlin smiled to himself.
The Gryffindors were dressed in red and yellow, in comparison to the dull grey of the afternoon so they stuck out like a sore thumb. But, amidst the bright colours, Merlin saw flashes of green and white. Slytherins.
All year long, Gryffindor and Slytherin had been fighting with each other to win the House Cup. Slytherin, who had won last year, was determined to win it again. Gyffindor, who had won the Cup countless times before, didn’t like seeing the cup taken away.
So, now, seeing the Slytherin team strutting in, it was just going to be bad news. Merlin couldn’t hear anything from the stands but he could clearly see a fight brewing between the two teams. He leaned over, trying to get a closer look. What he saw was clearly Arthur being tackled to the ground by Val, the Slytherin Beater who had a reputation for roughing everyone up.
“He’s pulling out his wand!” one of the boys from the stands shouted.
Merlin looked back and saw it was true. Val was standing over Arthur, who looked pretty bloodied up, with his wand raised. Cassie/Kate shrieked in horror as Merlin’s own brain started to shut down. No, he had to do something. He had to rely on his singular gifts on this one; he couldn’t rush to Arthur’s side without getting withering stares.
So Merlin, as adequately as he could, recited the ‘Expelliarmus’ spell in his head and pointed his finger to Val’s wand before it could do any serious damage. Miraculously, Val’s wand bounced off his hand and onto the ground. Merlin breathed a sigh of relief and laughed to himself as Tregor walked onto the scene and broke apart the scene.
He did it. Merlin did it. All he wanted to do was tell someone but, yet again, no one was there. But Arthur was safe, that was all that mattered. Merlin turned around, ready to go back to his dorm, but he found that stare again. Percival, standing with his arms crossed, was giving it.
The next morning, Merlin came into the Great Hall, ready to confront Percy. He tapped on the wooden table he was sitting at and said, “You keep staring at me. Why?”
Percy looked up to him, his eyes wide. Merlin always thought his face never really matched his body. The buff biceps of an athlete coupled with a sweet face like his. Maybe it was a metaphor about despite his exterior; Percival was possibly one of the kindest souls anyone would ever meet.
“You want to talk about this now?” Percy asked, raising his eyebrows.
“What’s the harm?” Merlin crossed his arms.
“Fine, but not here, alright?” he stood up and took Merlin’s books with him like the gentleman that he was. “You coming or not?”
Merlin followed him and then found himself in a deserted room with a dusty chalkboard decorated with spider webs and there were a few odd chairs around.
“What is this place?” Merlin asked, going over to the bookshelf, trailing the spines of the old books that smelled like age.
“I dunno, I found it my second year. No one ever comes here, don’t worry,” Percy smiled and motioned him to sit down.
He did and then there was a kind of silence, one that crept up his clothes, until he wanted to ask, finally. But Percy answered before he could.
“I can see that you’re having some problems, Merlin. I can see it. It’s so clear and you don’t even guard yourself from it,” he said.
Merlin wanted to tell him he didn’t want to guard himself. He wanted to people see how hurt he was inside and he wanted someone to heal him. It sounded petty and childish and selfish but that was what he felt and he couldn’t help it.
His destiny was hard. It shouldn’t be a surprise that it was putting a strain on him, on top of everything else.
“I know what it feels like, Merlin. You feel alone. More lonely than alone. It hurts feeling like that. All these feelings and you have no one to talk to. It sucks. I remember what it was like for me. How hard it was. It was even harder for me to go through it alone.”
Merlin didn’t know what Percy was talking about, no idea, but the sincerity in his voice had him going. He thought about all his problems and how he’d probably sound the same, like he was confessing all of his crimes.
“Percy, please-”
“It’s a comfort to love someone from afar,” he said. He had a sad smile on his face, an oxymoron Merlin had always hated. “As if you never really have to confront it because nothing will happen. You have to, you have to confront it because someday, it will happen, closer and it will be more real and you’ll wish you would’ve done it sooner.”
Merlin’s mind was reeling with thoughts about what this could be about. He had a nagging thought at the back of his brain, one that was dying to step forward and explain to him.
“I’ve seen how you look at Arthur,” Percy finally said. Oh.
Oh.
“I’m not-”
“Neither was I.”
Merlin looked at him. Percy’s eyes were warm and he almost wanted to stay forever and tell him everything. Tell him anything, just for him to stay in the focus of his vision. There was a fire behind Merlin’s own eyes and it threatened to burn.
“I can’t deal with this right now,” Merlin heard himself saying.
He stood up, leaving the comfort of Percy’s eyes and into the darkness of issues he had yet to confront.
The problem with being alone was that, when you wanted to run, there was nothing to run to. Merlin sought the only place he was himself, in a space that contained Arthur, even though it was the very thing that led him to run in the first place.
Percival thought Merlin was in love with Arthur. Which would mean his sexual orientation was hanging on the line. It was being put on the table and he just wanted to break the table in half, as if the weight of the subject wasn’t enough for it to topple off by itself.
As Merlin looked at Arthur, he thought about all the times he’d protected him. Thought about the times when Arthur was his number one priority, about when Merlin had a long, long list of things to do but Arthur was still on the top of that list.
Why did he accept his destiny in the first place? Was it because fate had told him to, that, deep down, he knew that this was real? Or had there been issues like this from the start?
By definition, all of Merlin’s doing would’ve been classified as acts of unrequited love. But he wasn’t in love, not with Arthur, who not only was a prat and an arrogant arse but also someone who had a life and, like all the others, it didn’t include him. Someone who would have a list and not put Merlin anywhere near it, someone Merlin would never be someone to.
Did he really want this? Was he really like this?
He hated being undecided. He usually planned his life as carefully as he could; he had a schedule, he had a plan. Merlin hated not having the answers to everything. He hated not knowing.
He wanted to go away from here. He wanted to run. So he did.
He dug his heels in and took off. He didn’t care how he looked, didn’t care where he was going, only that he was going. He needed somewhere where there wasn’t an Arthur. He would run to the depths of this world and into the shallow pool of another to barely dream of a life without Arthur.
He needed a fresh pair of eyes, perhaps even a different mindset to recognize, hypothesize and rationalize his chaos.
Somewhere, where he did have a life without Arthur, he would see if his life could only be about Arthur. Somewhere, where his skin didn’t itch with problems and insecurities, he could see who he really was. Somewhere, that was where he wanted to be.
He didn’t expect someone to stop him. Two big arms gripped on his body, which he didn’t know was shaking until then. He bowed his head, not wanting to see the world but the darkness instead until, finally, two arms closed around him.
They felt like the bridge to Somewhere so Merlin closed his eyes and let him stay that way.
Percy took him back to his dorm room. No one was here. They were probably still at breakfast or getting ready for class. Merlin felt like a small child, being taken care like this and he wondered what he owed Percy.
He had seen him like this, in a position no one had seen him in before; considering and deliberating his life choices. And he was just there, being the best person he’d met.
“I think it’s okay if you want to skip class this morning. I’m sure the professors won’t mind. You look horrible enough to be really sick, anyway,” Percy said, trying his best to smile for both of them.
Merlin wondered how he looked. Were his eyes red from trying not to cry? Did he look like his world was being deliberated? He supposed not because there were just things one felt too much to look the part.
He wanted to blame Percy for putting the issue on the table, he wanted to hate him and have him burned for making these feelings surface. But he couldn’t. because just because it hadn’t been spoken about, didn’t mean it wasn’t there.
Maybe he ought to be grateful, instead. Maybe, if it hadn’t been for Percy and his stares and meaningful gazes, he would still be miserable and always would be. At least, now, he could have a reason for it.
“I should leave,” Percy said. Merlin looked up and wanted to say so many things but he could only nod.
“Yeah,” he ended up saying. “I need to be alone now, I think. I don’t feel like talking about it, whatever this is. At least until I figure out what it is.”
“I get that. I wanted to be alone, too. I want you to know I’m here. It was horrid for me, I don’t want it to be horrid for you, too. You’re a nice guy, who deserves a nice life,” Percy shrugged.
“You don’t even know me all that well.”
“Yeah, but still,” Percy smiled. “Okay, I’ll go now and leave you be.”
As he started towards the door, only then did Merlin’s heart begin to ache and it realized it didn’t want to be alone. “Tell me about it?” he asked, stopping Percy at his tracks.
“About what?”
“About your experience.”
Percy smiled, as if this was the first time anyone had properly asked him that. Perhaps it was. Merlin scooted up his bed to give the other boy some space to sit.
“I was thirteen,” he started. “And there was this boy across the street. He was probably the nicest person I knew. He was one of those people who were gifted; he was smart and kind and brave and all the best things combined. He was a Muggle, though. We became good friends.
“We started hanging out more often; I started bringing him around at the house during the holidays. My folks weren’t too keen on it, because he was a Muggle and all but they dealt with it. And then, one night, we were young and stupid and he kissed me. And I liked it. And then I hated myself for liking it. Then I started thinking, why should I be?”
As Percy told his story, of his self-acceptance and his parents coming around in the end, about how the boy never really wanted him back but that was alright because Percy knew what kind of person he wanted in the end, Merlin began to ponder.
He began to think about how different their stories were but how the same they were, too. Merlin’s was a bit more complicated, what with his destiny and the fate of the wizarding world depending on him doing it right. But, if he had been a normal boy, dealing with this, it would probably render the same feelings.
He wondered if all stories were the same in the end. He wondered if there was a string connecting all those who had felt or were feeling this to have them come to the same realization: that they loved who they loved.
Merlin was not yet sure if he belonged to this group of people- it took more than a hectic morning to evaluate your life for what it really was- but regardless, he admired them. Admired their courage and spirit but, most of all, their love.
That was all it came to down to, didn’t it? Love?
Gwen believed in a few choose things. She believed that Muggles weren’t, in fact, scum and neither were lycanthropes or vampires or whatever people -because they were people after all- who weren’t pure-blooded wizards. She believed a lie was still a lie, no mater how small. And she believed she was being lied to, by the people she trusted the most.
Her best friends always seemed like they were hiding something. They walked like they were going to get caught at any moment and sometimes talked in whispers, even if there was no one around.
She hated the fact that they might be off doing something exciting without her but she also dreaded it because exciting could also mean dangerous. Were they in trouble? Were they being stubborn martyrs by not telling Gwen? She might not want the extra trouble but she would take it for the sake of her friends.
She would get it if Arthur or Morgana kept secrets from here but Lance? No, Lance told her everything. From the girls he thought he might get a shot at to his familial problems, that had been getting worse since the start of the summer holidays.
It was only likely that, now, he would still tell her. Gwen found him in his dorm room, his legs pulled up. Traditionally, of course, girls weren’t allowed in the boys’ dorm room but it wasn’t like she was going to take pictures and she hung out with Arthur, Lance and Gwaine enough to be considered “one of the guys”. Whether that was a compliment or a thinly-veiled insult, she wasn’t sure.
Arthur and Morgana were roaming around the Academy, trying to stall their time before Charms started. They were probably sitting at a staircase, legs intertwined and going over what they should do over Christmas break, that was starting next week. Gwen wanted to go over to Arthur’s house, finally, but her parents worried too much.
“Hey, Gwenny,” Lance smiled when she saw her.
“I need you to tell me the truth,” she said.
She didn’t want to be caught in another mindless conversation with Lance. Because, once they started talking about their incoherent nonsense, they wouldn’t stop for hours. Sometimes they tired each other out and they ended up sleeping in close distance to each other so the other would still be there when they woke up to find another topic to babble about.
Lance immediately looked shocked then tried to find his voice. “The truth about what?”
“I know you guys have been hiding something from me. I don’t know what it is but I know it’s something big. And you, you of all people, to hide something from me - I just need to know, alright?” Gwen threw her hands up in defeat.
Lance sighed then patted a spot on his bed for her to sit down on. He looked reluctant, at first, as he usually did when he was confessing something. But he told her anyway.
He told her that, during their second year and the start of their third year, they researched the art of becoming an Animagus so that they would be there for Gwen when she went through her time of the month. He told her about they snuck around at night on a weekly basis to train. First, they trained their minds to get used to the sensation of Changing, then they got past first base and began working outside, in the woods.
“We’re getting good,” Lance said. “I mean, Morgana doesn’t throw up anymore when she Changes back and I barely lick people anymore. It takes some time to Change back but we can do it.”
He told her that, in the months they’ve been around the campus of the Academy, they found a secret entrance in the Whomping Willow.
“It’s amazing! They lead out to an abandoned shack, big enough for all of us to Change and stay before the full moon comes around.”
All the while, Gwen’s heart started melting. They weren’t in trouble, after all. Well, they sort of were. Changing wasn’t an easy feat but they were in it for her. No one had ever done something like that for her before.
Even her parents, they shrunk away whenever her ‘issue’ was passed around like it was a garbage bag full of crap they needed to take out. But her friends, they were doing this for her. They were changing their lives for her.
When Lance stopped talking, when he told her that they should’ve told her sooner but they just didn’t want Gwen to worry, she couldn’t help but jump forward and hug him.
“Why would you do this stupid, stupid thing?” Gwen asked.
“Because love makes us do stupid things,” Lance laughed and she felt shivers of it trailing down her back.
Merlin had been thinking about it for weeks. Thinking about this and talking to Percy about it. It wasn’t easy and it was safe to say that Percy had seen more than enough tears from Merlin during their time in that abandoned classroom as he tried to make sense of his life.
He told Percy everything, everything that could help him understand. Sometimes, talking it out made you realize what exactly you were talking about.
They tried to find each other whenever they could. It was starting to become a friendship, this thing between him and Percy. For every morsel Merlin fed him about his sexual confusion and his life, Percy gave back a spoonful of his problems, as well. Merlin couldn’t solve them but Percy couldn’t solve his, either. All that mattered was that they weren’t alone in this.
He no longer talked about just Arthur, he talked about everything. Everything that he had felt his entire life but didn’t know what to do with. Like how his stares always seemed to linger to an attractive boy instead of a girl or those urges he felt. It was like everything was connected. He didn’t just wake up, get a destiny and feel this.
It was him. A version of him he hadn’t met yet but they had shook hands and they were slowly getting to know each other.
But just because Merlin started to talk, it wasn’t as if he wasn’t still confused or he wasn’t still scared. He was. It was just that it felt better. His heart didn’t close up anymore at the thought.
He needed to be sure, though. There was no true way to be sure so he had to waddle at the pool a bit. One way to do that was to know if his friends would still be his friends if he was gay.
Today, he and Percy decided he should at least tell Freya about what had been happening with him. He was going to do it. They were going to have one of their afternoons and he would tell her. Maybe she would storm off, maybe she would stay silent or maybe she would hug him. He didn’t know, all he knew was that he had to do it. He didn’t want to lose his best friend to himself.
“Frey?” Merlin asked her. They were seated quite comfortably near the courtyard. It was a cross between a freezing cold and a sweltering hot here so they were suitably warm.
“Hmm?” she said absent-mindedly, looking at the clouds.
“Can I tell you something? Something really important?” he made sure that his eyes spoke what he felt: that this was urgent.
“Merlin, of course. What’s happening? Is something wrong?” her voice grew frantic.
He made sure to breathe and speak at an average decibel: loud enough for Freya to hear but soft enough for no one else. “I think I might be gay.”
“Oh,” was all she said. “Oh.”
“It’s not set in stone but I need to know, if it happens to be true, and that’s where the thing is generally pointing, I need to know you’ll be okay with this.”
Merlin had expected her to smile or hug him or run or slap him in the face. He didn’t expect her to cry. But that was what she was doing. Her eyes were welling up and the tears were running down her cheeks.
“Frey?” Merlin touched her arm. “Frey, why are you crying?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s just great, you know? I’ve noticed you’ve been distant lately and it’s great you’re finding out why. It’s great, Merlin, really,” she said between cries. She wiped her nose on her sleeve. She tried to gather herself and stood up.
“Freya, don’t leave. Talk to me,” Merlin said in the most understanding manner possible, even though he just wanted her to sit down and talk, even if he had to force her.
“Later. I’ll talk to you later. Find me. Just, congratulations, okay?” Freya didn’t want for him to answer and just left.
Merlin slumped and sighed, wondering what just happened. Percy promised he’d be close by when he told Freya and there he was, leaning against the wall when Merlin turned around. He beckoned him to come and, almost immediately, Percy asked, “How’d it go?”
“She cried,” Merlin answered.
“Maybe she just needs time to adjust? You need time to adjust, too,” Percy said.
“Yeah, of course, but I always thought we’d take time to adjust together. We’ve been through everything together. It shouldn’t make sense that this isn’t part of that everything,” Merlin put his head on the table.
“She’ll come back. You two love each other. She’ll come around, you’ll see,” Percy nudged at him and Merlin couldn’t help but smile.
Gwen was nervous. True, this idea of letting her watch in at their Changing tonight was hers but it didn’t make her any less worried. Arthur, Lance and Morgana assured her that everything was fine but still.
She dressed in black because she didn’t know the proper clothing procedure when it came to things like this but she figured it would do. She came down to the common room, where the other three were waiting and saw that they didn’t look as nervous as she was.
Maybe they were right, maybe everything was going to be fine. She could finally see them for what they’ve been hiding for a year now. She wanted to do this before Christmas break but they wanted everything to be settled first and, besides, it was a pain in the arse to Change in the snow.
But here tonight was, two months later and they were ready. At least three out of four.
“You set?” Lance asked her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
“Yupp,” Gwen nodded, trying not to let her anxiousness show. “Where are we going?”
“Forest. More privacy, more space. Don’t get used to it, though. I doubt we can afford going there every month,” Arthur said. “Don’t look so nervous, lass. It’s still us.”
She should’ve figured. Arthur was always the first one to notice if anything was the matter with anyone. She was grateful, because, just by those words alone, she felt a bit more relaxed. That and Morgana’s smile, which was as warm as the fire in the room.
Gwen followed them blindly, down the stairs, past the corridors and slowly out of the Academy through one of their secret entrances. Lance always said that they should really put all of this on a map someday so they could keep track. All of them weren’t exactly opposing the act of not being lost.
The Forest never stopped being scary, no matter how many times they came her. The trees would always look like shadows of old nightmares she used have and the ground would always seem like it would swallow her up until she no longer existed. The sounds heard would always be freaky. Nothing was going to change.
They stopped walking and suddenly the Forest became a lot scarier.
“Okay, Gwenny, I think you should sit down for this. Right there, by that tree,” Lance pointed at the biggest tree around, opposite a large space that was occupied no tress, just a muddy ground. A perfect place to Change.
She sat down, her heart in her mouth. Morgana gave her a small thumbs-up as they assembled themselves in a small circle, hands held out. Gwen tried to be as silent as possible as they closed their eyes. As if by cue, they all simultaneously recited a spell. Lance had told her that the spell wasn’t really necessary anymore but they had to take precautions just in case something went wrong in front of her.
It wasn’t very magical, the Change, no golden lights as Lance had described. Perhaps that was what he saw when he closed his eyes but Gwen saw the raw product. It wasn’t slow, either. It was fast. She could scarcely turn her eyes to see Morgana’s transformation before seeing Arthur’s.
Morgana and Lance grew shorter as their backs hunched while Arthur was the exact opposite. His body straightened and he grew taller. Their arms bend forward to make two of the four legs and their features quickly disintegrated. Gwen was afraid to blink because she was scared she would miss anything.
But, regardless, the transformation was done quickly and, by, the end of it; there was a black cat, average sized but still pretty cute, on the left, a large dog to the right and a gorgeous brown stallion in the middle.
Gwen thought it was safe to stand but her breathing quickly became rapid as she approached the cat. She outstretched her hand to pet it but she didn’t get the chance because the dog quickly jumped on her, landing her on her back with an “Oof!” and started licking her face.
“Geroff!” Gwen yelled between laughter.
The cat approached them and tried to push the dog away, vying for Gwen’s attention. All the while, the horse stomped his hooves, probably sick of the others getting all the attention. Gwen stood up and walked towards the horse and then slowly stroked its mane. It neighed in appreciation.
“Okay, so, this is pretty cool,” Gwen smiled, bending down to pet Morgana and tickle Lance by his ear.
The weeks he wasn’t at the Academy were some of Merlin’s best and worst. The good things included the fact that he felt infinitely better about himself and he and Freya had made up, despite the fact she was a tad bit cautious around him and she looked like she was going to cry whenever he talked about it.
And, the best thing was, Merlin asked his parents what they thought about gays -in general, so that he wouldn’t give anything away until he was absolutely sure- and they answered in the kindest way possible.
“I think everyone deserves to love someone, no matter the circumstances,” his father had said, which made his heart glow a bit.
The bad side of things was that he wasn’t any closer to finding out who he really was. Maybe it took longer for him than it did for others. Sure, he was a bit more comfortable with the thought that he might be but he still wasn’t sure. Sometimes he woke up and felt like he was closer to realizing but then he’d fall back asleep and be drowned in the same set of doubts.
So, when he got back to the Academy, he just wanted to be closer to being sure and only Percy could help at this point.
What Merlin loved about their friendship was that it was slowly growing. It wasn’t just serious talks, it was fun things. Things that made Merlin laugh and smile and think and realize Percy was pretty good company. He was going to hate it when Percy left school next year, he knew it.
He was waiting for Percy to come so he waited in the common room, his legs stretched on the couch while he read a book. It was one of nights where everyone felt tired and decided to go to sleep early so it was safe to say he was the only one there.
“Hey,” someone broke through his comforting silence.
“Hey, Percy,” Merlin smiled. He pulled his legs in and put his book on his stomach and let Percy sit across from him.
“Listen, I’ve got something important I have to tell you,” Percy said, his voice serious.
“Uhm, okay, okay,” Merlin put the book away, setting himself up from whatever it is. It sounded as if something was wrong, judging from his voice. If there was something wrong, Merlin would do his best to help.
“You’re a good guy, the best guy, in fact, that I’ve met in a while. You’re broken and you’re strong at the same time. You’re smart and you’re brave, you’re in Gryffindor for a reason and I just admire you,” Percy said.
“Thank you, I’m flattered,” Merlin said, not knowing what to do.
“I like spending time with you; I love it, in fact. I just -do you see where this is going, Merlin?” Percy asked.
“No, not really.”
Before Merlin could even register what was going on, there was a pressure on his lips. Percy was kissing him.
He’s kissing me. He’skissingme, he’skissingme
And Merlin didn’t mind. In fact, he liked it. He liked the warmth of Percy’s lips, how his large arm was slowly creeping to the back of him. Percy said there was nothing wrong with liking kisses. But shouldn’t there be? Shouldn’t he love kisses instead?
“Percy,” Merlin said, trying to get them to stop. Percy must have thought it was a signal to go for it even more. “Percival-” Merlin manages between the kisses.
“Merlin?” he asked.
“I don’t-”
Percy licked his lips, withdrew his hand in an instant and inched apart from him. There was a ghost of a smile playing on the corners of his lips as he said, “Oh.”
“I’m sorry!” Merlin made a move forward.
“I’m not mad, I just… well, I guess you know who you are now,” Percy shrugged.
“Yeah,” Merlin said, without knowing it. Without knowing it, he just discovered who he was. Through a kiss with the person he desperately wished he wanted. But that was it, though, wasn’t it? He had no problem with wanting to want Percy. He had no problem with it at all.
“Yeah,” he said again. “I’m gay.”
“You sure about that?” Percy asked, through a broken voice. Merlin dreaded to think that his voice wasn’t the only thing was breaking.
“I like guys. I have no problem with that. I like them,” Merlin suddenly felt all giddy inside. But, looking at Percy’s face, that slowly disappeared. “But I wish I could like one in particular.”
“It’s fine, Merlin. It’s alright. At least, now, you know what you want.”
Merlin wanted to tell him that it wasn’t alright. Because Percy was slowly becoming one of his best friends and he didn’t want to lose him. He didn’t want to lose him to what it was that took to get him in the first place.
“I wish it was you,” Merlin said regrettably.
He heard a small cough from the other side of the room. Merlin turned and saw the shadow of a familiar face. Gwen.
“I should go now,” Percy said, not noticing Gwen. Merlin didn’t want him to leave because then he might never come back. He couldn’t stop him, though.
As stood as he stood up, Gwen’s friends came bustling into the common room, laughing and smiling, Arthur especially. Merlin caught his eye, for a small moment then looked away. He could see Percy by the door, looking back at him and telling him again, with his eyes, at least now you know what you want.
Arthur, Lance and Morgana went up to their respective dorm rooms, which left Merlin and Gwen. Gwen, who was kind and gentle, who thought love should be felt everywhere, walked towards him and took his hand in hers.
“Don’t worry,” she said softly. “I won’t tell anyone.”
PART FIVE