last night angst (written yesterday) and phone angst.
My Family.
My family has too many problems that I am uncomfortable with addressing to so large and anonymous an audience. The thing is, I believe we stopped loving and caring about each other some years ago. We are all selfish, illusioned, and very very screwed up. Pack all this into one house and make them poor to boot, and there's not a happy equation.
Alex.
I've never been in love before, so I could be wrong (I could ALWAYS be wrong), but I believe this is it. Only, I fuck things up so much that it's a tad bit laughable to think I could ever be with anybody and make them happy. People who know me as a friend know that I am volatile; close friends are aware that I'm mercurial; the boys I date know that I'm a bipolar who's opinion, reactions, or feelings are subject to change much as a puff of wind kills a smoke ring. Poetic enough for you? I'm a crazy, psychotic, chaotic bitch. I WARN people about this, I tell them, 'Don't be surprised, don't be hurt, don't be disillusioned." and always they are. I don't even think Alex likes me; a fact I've informed him of. And all I did was hurt him AGAIN because he doesn't know how to prove that he loves me. I know he does, but I don't think he does, and that makes a world of difference.
Mon amis. ,
I am getting better at being dependable; I am easier to talk to, and more likely to be there. So there's that.
I'm rather angry actually. My dad bought me a $50 phone card....not knowing that my phone won't turn on. So. Once Alex picks me up (IF he does, he may be too tired), I'm going to have him take me to Target (where i got the phone) to see if I can either refund the card, or have them tell me what's wrong with my phone.
I'm still certain I won't come out of there happy.