compiled thoughts
what is it that im looking for?
I mean really? I feel like I have to ask for permisson or forgiveness for every thing that I do..or maybe im looking for acceptance?
Ive pretty much decided that I just dont have the time this year for a new costume. Its such a shame and I feel awful for making people bring me everywhere, to get materials for my Freya Crescent costume, buying all the matierals, then complaining about how I dont have time when in actuality I do. But its like..I tried and I started to get to work and I thought that maybe since I was living outside I just didnt have the space or the means of making it..so when I moved in I thought id be better, and in some way it is! I mean I have ample room, the internet to look up stuff and chat, and not to mention plugs so that I can actually plug stuff in! But...I mean I would come home from work, look at the costume and then just try to forget about it. I dont know why this year im just so unmotivated and just not in the costuming spirit like I was last year..and in a way I feel awful about that.
Of course the difference is that last year at this time I was working at albertsons and only working 24 hours a week (or less) so I had alot of time. But now im working about 40+ hours at my job, so im making money but im lacking time. And of course I put reasonable thought into thinking this over that not having a new costume wouldnt be the end of the world! After all the shiny Umbreon was an amazing costume and I really love it, after all it is my best costume to date! I could take time to fix it up, maybe put some digitigrade padding in there, fix the bottom the feet (crafting foam whaaaaat???) and all that jazz. And you know on the plus side this means I can join up withe everyone else in their legendary costumes..ok well Im not a legendary but with HeartGold and SoulSilver out this year it would make sense for me to be an umbreon ya know? So in a way I could join up with them, or if I stand out too much I can go off on my own. Not to mention that everyone loves Umbreon!
But this is where my problem comes in again..Last year I was a major bitch...ahahaaa I couldnt even tell you..I was rude, bitchy, and probably overbearing and not even considerate of anyone else, all because I just had to have a group- dont get me wrong we were the talk of the con!..But now this year im a hypocrite. And truthfully my life probably isnt as bad as I think it is, I just have terrible time management. I keep looking back at the Freya costume and just get annoyed, and this is something that I want to enjoy! I dont want my hobby to become a chore, or job, or a hassle, I want to enjoy making costumes like I used to...Maybe a break would be good for me. I guess I just feel bad when I see other costumes and I want to do that, but I dont want to work on the costume that im doing now..I actually would like to start making more personal suits, like Gus, or Night, or hell even Freya! (my..Freya) but I still enjoy pokemon costumes and thats not to say that I wouldnt make them anymore its just that this year......im just not feeling it..and im really worried that Im going to stop all together.
And of course its not that I think anyone is gonna be mad at me, and if they are what should I care? Im not really in a group like I was last year so its not going to mess up anything really. Maybe when it comes right down to it im more disappointed in myself for not being able to do it. But right now ive really been trying to focus on my art since that was something that I used to do all the time! And hell speaking of art, man my style has changed! I mean like ...whoa! Its nooothing like it was last year and its kinda nice, its a interesting mix of realism and cartoon, and im really happy with it! Dear god im actually useing references! which is something I used to be so against, and I still kinda am, tho even still using a reference Im trying to make the art my own and just using it to get an over all general idea of how something should be posed (this is a really long drawn out debate with myself so I could go on but I wont cause its stupid)
Over all my mood swings have been up, down, sideways, and backwards. One minuet I think everyone hates me and has left me, and then the next minuet I realize im being dumb aaaand then that in turn makes me feel worse for acting so selfish. But honestly if you could see from my eyes...youd understand why I feel like that.
I do like my job, its something that im actually good at, and really an idiot could do my job but youd be surprised how many people cant (at least not with the speed and patience that I can). My bosses have the weeeirrdest mood swings, one minuet theyre fine and the next they hate you, then your best friend again and then wonder why you act so cautious around them! But honestly today life just sorta hit me and I thought to myself 'am I really the biggest failure of everyone I know?'. And no I dont want to find a new job right now cause this job is a)very easy if you know what your doing, b) 50% common sense, c) very good paying, d) about 5 minuets away, and e) seniority adds up! (im over 3 people! this means I get bumped up on the list!)
I know that in all honestly im terrible.. I know I complain, im ungrateful, a bitch, rude, a hypocrite, and I dont deserve the friends I have..but..
thats just how I am...I cant change that
nor do I want to entirely change that
Do you still love me anyway?
its all because its tuesday!!! DX