Looking Back (Standalone)
Title: Looking Back (Standalone)
Author: nightlilac
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Lindsey Ballato (Mindless Self Indulgence) / Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance)
P.O.V: Lindsey's.
Disclaimer: This fiction is in no way intended to represent real-life events.
Summary: On the eve of Projekt Revolution, there is someone Lindsey doesn't want to face.
Warnings: None
Author Notes: Inspired by a comment of Gerard's in a recent interview.
(Crossposted to bandgirls , mcrcrossover and my_chemical_fic )
Looking Back
Lindsey saw where Gerard was the instant she entered the meeting room, attuned to his presence as a diviner might sense the hidden rush of clear water underground. For a heartbeat she immersed herself in the exhilaration that came with being near him, again, after so long. Then a strange kind of terror took her over, that he would look up from his conversation with his fellow band members and notice her there, frozen in the doorway at the sight of him.
"Lindsey!" Jimmy called from a bench near the middle of the room. A safe haven; but she wouldn’t allow herself to run. She sauntered over, head held high, yet carefully averted to avoid catching his eye.
So absurd, to be afraid, when she'd thought of nothing else but this meeting for weeks, ever since she'd learnt My Chemical Romance was joining the Projekt Revolution festival tour. It was Kitty who told her; Lindsey had been grateful for the understanding the other girl had shown at the time in not mentioning Gerard by name. She never let herself give any outward sign, but in secret her body thrilled once more with the fierce longing for him she thought she'd put behind her, years ago. Longing and an intense kind of joy in the anticipation of seeing him again.
And now, with his proximity, had come the fear, and she was furious with herself for the betrayal of her usual self-possession. She wasn't afraid of him; no, despite the fame he'd attained in the four years since his eager young band had toured with hers, she still saw unchanged in him the sweetness of character she'd loved back then. No. The force that prevented her from facing him directly now was, simply, the fear that when he saw her he would turn away, and not look back again. That would be the sign that he felt nothing for her, any more. Lindsey wasn't going to let that unbearable moment come any sooner than she could help.
Anytime now, the festival tour manager would be arriving to address the assembled bands. The room was already uncomfortably crowded, and getting fuller by the minute. Lindsey thought she could risk a swift glance at Gerard through lowered lashes.
He was leaning against the wall on her left hand side, listening to something his drummer, the one she didn't recognise, was saying. She noticed the tight-fitting jeans strained slightly over thighs that were firmer than she remembered, and felt an odd catch in the pit of her stomach. She recognised the Planet Of The Apes T-shirt that he still hadn't gotten rid of, with a little pang at how loose it was on him now. Nevertheless, the new weight loss suited him. He seemed younger, somehow, and brighter, as if a shadow she'd grown used to seeing over him had finally lifted.
An exaggerated hushing and scuffling heralded the entrance of the tour manager at last. Lindsey sat with half an ear attending to his lecture on tour rules and regulations, her eyes fixed straight ahead. Her neck ached but she didn't dare to move it. Gerard was in the corner of her field of vision, and his presence burned her like the sun. She wanted, so desperately, to turn and bask in it.
She thought about the last time she'd spoken to him, four years ago, at the party to mark the end of their bands' mutual tour. She'd wanted to run to him then, too. But his girlfriend was there and he had placed himself, deliberately, in the centre of a crowd of friends. The only word she managed to say to him that night was "Goodbye." He drank a lot, and laughed a little too loud. She'd numbed herself with alcohol too, that night, trying to relieve the pain of love that wasn't so much unrequited, as untimely.
"This isn't right," he'd said earlier, and Lindsey had agreed, and loved him for his integrity even as her heart was breaking.
"And NO CROWDSURFING!" bawled the tour manager, bringing Lindsey back to the present with a jump. "The last thing we want is Junior's parents suing our asses off because somebody kicked him in the eye!" Lindsey made a mental note to take no notice whatsoever of this last rule, but nevertheless she was grateful to the man for distracting her. The tears had been uncomfortably close just then. She turned to share her thoughts with Jimmy, but he wasn't in the seat beside her any more. She forgot herself, and looked up, into Gerard's eyes.
It was only for a fleeting instant, then Lindsey wrenched her gaze away. She stared at a poster in the corner, pretending to find it intensely fascinating, while a deep blush suffused her cheeks. Time seemed to have slowed itself down. There were glad voices ringing in her ears, and a slow and delicious warmth was making its way up from the very heart of her. She wondered vaguely why she had ever been afraid. Gerard was free once more and so was she, and when she'd looked up, he had been the one watching her.
Slowly, not wanting to rush now, she turned back to face Gerard, and he was still looking at her with that soft and thoughtful attentiveness, his head tipped to one side a bit and the corner of his mouth quirked up. And when their eyes met again, he gave a sudden, shining miracle of a smile. And Lindsey's heart skyrocketed.
And now, she didn't want to look away from him ever again. She didn't think about when they'd get to talk, or what she'd say to him then, or what would happen after that. She just went on looking at him, and he looked back, smiling and smiling, captured in the endless, joyous moment.
Written 4th January 2008.
Author: nightlilac
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Lindsey Ballato (Mindless Self Indulgence) / Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance)
P.O.V: Lindsey's.
Disclaimer: This fiction is in no way intended to represent real-life events.
Summary: On the eve of Projekt Revolution, there is someone Lindsey doesn't want to face.
Warnings: None
Author Notes: Inspired by a comment of Gerard's in a recent interview.
(Crossposted to bandgirls , mcrcrossover and my_chemical_fic )
Looking Back
Lindsey saw where Gerard was the instant she entered the meeting room, attuned to his presence as a diviner might sense the hidden rush of clear water underground. For a heartbeat she immersed herself in the exhilaration that came with being near him, again, after so long. Then a strange kind of terror took her over, that he would look up from his conversation with his fellow band members and notice her there, frozen in the doorway at the sight of him.
"Lindsey!" Jimmy called from a bench near the middle of the room. A safe haven; but she wouldn’t allow herself to run. She sauntered over, head held high, yet carefully averted to avoid catching his eye.
So absurd, to be afraid, when she'd thought of nothing else but this meeting for weeks, ever since she'd learnt My Chemical Romance was joining the Projekt Revolution festival tour. It was Kitty who told her; Lindsey had been grateful for the understanding the other girl had shown at the time in not mentioning Gerard by name. She never let herself give any outward sign, but in secret her body thrilled once more with the fierce longing for him she thought she'd put behind her, years ago. Longing and an intense kind of joy in the anticipation of seeing him again.
And now, with his proximity, had come the fear, and she was furious with herself for the betrayal of her usual self-possession. She wasn't afraid of him; no, despite the fame he'd attained in the four years since his eager young band had toured with hers, she still saw unchanged in him the sweetness of character she'd loved back then. No. The force that prevented her from facing him directly now was, simply, the fear that when he saw her he would turn away, and not look back again. That would be the sign that he felt nothing for her, any more. Lindsey wasn't going to let that unbearable moment come any sooner than she could help.
Anytime now, the festival tour manager would be arriving to address the assembled bands. The room was already uncomfortably crowded, and getting fuller by the minute. Lindsey thought she could risk a swift glance at Gerard through lowered lashes.
He was leaning against the wall on her left hand side, listening to something his drummer, the one she didn't recognise, was saying. She noticed the tight-fitting jeans strained slightly over thighs that were firmer than she remembered, and felt an odd catch in the pit of her stomach. She recognised the Planet Of The Apes T-shirt that he still hadn't gotten rid of, with a little pang at how loose it was on him now. Nevertheless, the new weight loss suited him. He seemed younger, somehow, and brighter, as if a shadow she'd grown used to seeing over him had finally lifted.
An exaggerated hushing and scuffling heralded the entrance of the tour manager at last. Lindsey sat with half an ear attending to his lecture on tour rules and regulations, her eyes fixed straight ahead. Her neck ached but she didn't dare to move it. Gerard was in the corner of her field of vision, and his presence burned her like the sun. She wanted, so desperately, to turn and bask in it.
She thought about the last time she'd spoken to him, four years ago, at the party to mark the end of their bands' mutual tour. She'd wanted to run to him then, too. But his girlfriend was there and he had placed himself, deliberately, in the centre of a crowd of friends. The only word she managed to say to him that night was "Goodbye." He drank a lot, and laughed a little too loud. She'd numbed herself with alcohol too, that night, trying to relieve the pain of love that wasn't so much unrequited, as untimely.
"This isn't right," he'd said earlier, and Lindsey had agreed, and loved him for his integrity even as her heart was breaking.
"And NO CROWDSURFING!" bawled the tour manager, bringing Lindsey back to the present with a jump. "The last thing we want is Junior's parents suing our asses off because somebody kicked him in the eye!" Lindsey made a mental note to take no notice whatsoever of this last rule, but nevertheless she was grateful to the man for distracting her. The tears had been uncomfortably close just then. She turned to share her thoughts with Jimmy, but he wasn't in the seat beside her any more. She forgot herself, and looked up, into Gerard's eyes.
It was only for a fleeting instant, then Lindsey wrenched her gaze away. She stared at a poster in the corner, pretending to find it intensely fascinating, while a deep blush suffused her cheeks. Time seemed to have slowed itself down. There were glad voices ringing in her ears, and a slow and delicious warmth was making its way up from the very heart of her. She wondered vaguely why she had ever been afraid. Gerard was free once more and so was she, and when she'd looked up, he had been the one watching her.
Slowly, not wanting to rush now, she turned back to face Gerard, and he was still looking at her with that soft and thoughtful attentiveness, his head tipped to one side a bit and the corner of his mouth quirked up. And when their eyes met again, he gave a sudden, shining miracle of a smile. And Lindsey's heart skyrocketed.
And now, she didn't want to look away from him ever again. She didn't think about when they'd get to talk, or what she'd say to him then, or what would happen after that. She just went on looking at him, and he looked back, smiling and smiling, captured in the endless, joyous moment.
Written 4th January 2008.