lost are the lambs with no guiding light
I sat stewing for a little while, wondering why I was letting my head go where it was going. And knowing why, and hating it. Hating me a little for thinking it about him. He's never given me any reason to think I should think anything like I was, and yet that little voice in my head would not shut up. So I played with the baby a little, sang to her, we danced, we laughed, and then I finally got her to go to sleep, and maybe felt just a little bit worse. If I allow myself to admit it, and I do not, maybe I felt a little sorry for myself. For no good reason. And then he came home, I did not hear him at first, and as soon as I saw him, all of the ideas that had been in my head, the ideas that I knew were stupid, and I should not be feeling, slapped me in the face and I knew them to be as false as I should have all along.
He was hurt, the more we talked about it, the more I realized just exactly how hurt he was, and… there was nothing I could do to have stopped it, or to help him really. Over and over all I could think about was how he must have felt sitting in the hospital all alone and hurt, and I wished I would have been there with him. I wished it had all never happened more than anything. And as I sat with him and helped him undress, and saw exactly how hurt he was, a million other things rushed through my head. He came close…. I came so close to losing him… how long would I have gotten to have Angel before she was taken from me too? I… had to stop those thoughts a soon as they popped into my head. He was here, not gone, not taken away from me. He was right here in front of me.
And he was apologizing. I'd spent a good part of the night thinking awful things about him and he was apologizing like he'd done something wrong. We talked an awful long time, whispered words, holding on too tight, tighter than we should have, I know it hurt him to hold me as tightly as he did as well. And neither of us could stop it. Neither of us wanted to.
He seemed to know what I was thinking, his voice soft, and his eyes locked on mine as he asked me to take care of her if anything happened, it was an easy promise, I do not think anything could keep me from wanting to do that now. Anything. And even then somehow it felt like we got closer, felt like… like it was one of those life changing moments where you realize that it is one even as it is happening. And you realize it because it is a big change, it is… one of those things that means nothing is ever going to be the same and you want that. More than it feels like you ever wanted anything. And he kissed me, I kissed him back, holding him as carefully as I could, but still clinging like was afraid if I let go he would be gone, even though looking into his eyes I knew that would never be true.
Whispering against my ear he asked me to make love… I do not think anyone ever put it that way before, and I knew we should not, but more than that, we needed to, already feeling so much, we needed more still, needed the release of it, needed… just needed more. But he asked me to get up first, to get something for him… and there was more words… words that I had never heard someone say before, not to me, words that made my throat tight, and my breath come faster. Our eyes were locked, I wondered just briefly if it was the accident talking or him, but he had the ring, had all the words… and I felt the same, feel the same. I was so full of my own words that I forgot one of them should be yes. I forgot to put the ring on, I forgot everything but him. But remembering was amazing, like him.
I was on top of him, and he was inside of me, both of us barely blinking, barely breathing, it was careful and light, and yet so intense, full of so much… so much more than I have ever felt before, not matter what it took to get me to a place where I felt this much. All it took was him, us, this. He fell asleep, and the bay woke up, I brought her to bed with us, covering the worst of his bruises so she wasn't scared to see Daddy like that. She wasn't anyway, she curled up against my chest, like all she wanted in the first place was to be there with us, like she knew nothing was ever going to be the same after tonight for her either. For any of us, and yet…. In a way, nothing has changed at all from yesterday, except that we all know that this is it for us, and we've told each other. Well me and him do anyway. I think she knew it all along.
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