(no subject)
I know I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't know how.
At first I thought I was holding up alright. And maybe I am.
But I am fully aware of how deep in denial I am and when that denial starts to ebb away I get angry and depressed all at once and I maybe if I had some sort of religion I'd feel more at peace about this but I don't believe in any organized religion and my belief in the afterlife is shaky at best
And I know this is unhealthy
But I'm purposely trying to force my brain to hear her voice and see her face and turn her into some sort of... imaginary friend just so I can pretend she's alive and I can live my own life with her there
It isn't working as well as I'd like and I'm hav ing so many conflicting emotions and I keep tortuing myself with her pictures and her blog posts and voicemails and the pillow she crosstitched for me doesnt smell enough like her and I'm starting to forget how she felt when I hugged her and I'm not ready and iti snt 'right
I wish i believed in heaven
I wish I believed in satan so i could sell my soul to bring her back
i wish i were a little bit crazier so that I could have her voice and her face and hair and body secure in my mind forever instead of a half-whisper and memories