world's end.
“it’s bound to come to an end sometime.”
he is only trying to be helpful but judging by the murderous glare jonghyun throws at him, jungshin assumes that he isn’t. he rests his head against the wall of their practice room, allowing his long legs to stretch. he sneaks a peek at their leader and discovers that he could not quite decipher whatever is behind that blank expression.
yonghwa mutters with a poor attempt at a joking grin. “i know,” he admits. “i’m not an idiot.”
his eyes close then open fleetingly; hollow stones set in a rigid face that displays more than physical weariness. he feels as if he wants to shrug off jonghyun’s hand that is settled on his shoulder but decides against it. other than them, he has no one else.
he does not cry. he isn’t sure if he can stop once he starts.
just like how it is with her. once he’s given his heart for hers to take (removing all contents of his soul so he can be her soul) yonghwa can’t bring himself to stop because removing traces of her would hurt so much more.
“you two will keep in touch, right?” minhyuk offers tentatively. “you can still be friends.” it’s another poorly constructed sentence of comfort but it’s sincere - which is more than yonghwa can ever hope for. he plasters on a cheerful smile and pats the boy on the shoulder. “we’ll be friends. of course we will.”
swallowing, jungshin begins, “hyung - “
“we’ll be friends, jungshin-ah. we all will be.”
it isn’t a lie but that doesn’t mean that it is the truth. yonghwa compels himself to believe in something that could never become a reality, even if it is inked in his own blood, because a bond as beautiful as theirs can’t possibly be a farce.
now the time that has gone into building that linkage will be wasted, falling apart as if it has been run through by a pair of gleaming silver scissors. snip, snip - and there’s no more them.
they will return to being mere acquaintances (your new dance is great seohyun-ssi or cnblue’s comeback song is so cool until they forget where they left off since they figured they never did begin anywhere) and enigmatic kisses paired with reticent touches are fragments of a yellowed memory that will soon crumble and sprinkle the skies as dust.
“it’ll be alright, yonghwa-hyung.” although jonghyun tries to put on a brave front, his forehead creases when his band mate nods mutely because behind it all there are so many other things - tears threatening to overflow, a soul on the verge of evaporating and a heart fissuring into pieces that are too small to ever be gathered again.
the breath yonghwa takes is stilted and wooden, making the other three cringe. “it’ll be okay,” he concurs, more to convince himself than the others. “now, come on. we have a song to rehearse.” he tries to pick up his guitar but drops it, creating a harsh thud as it hits the polished floor.
his fingers tremble, his heart pulsates and the world spins. he sinks into a bare, broken heap on the floor (his cheeks feel cold and only after a while does he realize that they are tears) as the numbness that he feels vanishes and the weight of his life hits him in the chest. yonghwa feels himself drowning in his band mates’ embrace but he does nothing about it.
“don’t be okay, hyung,” minhyuk chokes out, and yonghwa doesn’t bother to ask him what it means because he understands - if he’s okay, it means he’s forgotten.
soft flakes of snow pelt the ground in a gentle motion, dancing and swaying in the light breeze. the ground is saturated with an endless sheet of white, exposing neither patches of green nor little spots of earth. all is pristine and cold.
her fingers trace little patterns on the frostbitten windowpanes (she sketches her name and then his but they don’t intertwine anymore) without a care that after a few minutes, they’ll be gone. she’s used to being left behind. it’s a norm.
“joohyun? i know this is a really stupid question but are you okay?” hyoyeon’s clear voice resounds in the bedroom they share, quiet and apprehensive. her hand spreads out tentatively over the floral bed sheet. her hair is a mess and her eyes are sallow and shrunken but she still reaches out in concern.
tiffany, on the other hand, doesn’t say much except for a subdued you know this day would come seohyun-ah that drips off the tip of her tongue not without difficulty. her eyes seem to be begging for the damaged young woman in front of her to weep or shriek or break something or do something to show that she is human.
“of course i know that, unnie. i’ve prepared myself for this,” declares seohyun, almost proudly, but her lower lip quivers just the slightest bit and her irises begin to lose their sheen. they know that her resolve is diminishing faster than they deem possible.
firmly, hyoyeon looks her in the eye. “you don’t have to be okay.”
this statement startles seohyun, when the realization that hyoyeon is right floods her brain. she has all the reasons in the world to be rebellious or bitchy or inconsiderate.
but she does not think she should, so she puts on a gracious smile and proclaims, “don’t worry about me. i’m perfectly fine. i’m going to wake ‘sica-unnie up; we have to record ‘star king’ in an hour.” seohyun flees the room, dazedly shutting the door behind her. she pads down the hallway toward jessica and sooyoung’s room.
usually she would knock but that day, she doesn’t.
jessica’s voice doesn’t sound like her own. it’s beseeching and ragged; worn down with hushed tears and raw whispers (just remember that i’m still here because i still love you even if you love her more) that immediately come a stop as soon as she hears her space being invaded. “oh,” she mouths, blinking. “hi, seohyun.”
there’s a sudden rush that nearly knocks seohyun off her feet as she stumbles into jessica’s bony arms. she manages to release a distressed unnie before collapsing into a pile of fragmented words, streaming tears and cold fingers clutching for something solid to hold on to.
it is no easy task for a stiff, sheltered person like her to trust an easygoing, carefree man like him. but somewhere along the way they fell in love. though it is something good it remains a mistake and mistakes must be rectified. she struggles to grab and grasp whatever slivers she finds because these moments will never be repeated.
her entire world crumbles beneath her feet; it threatens to swallow her up whole into a bottomless pit in which she’ll be all alone (when he’s not there, she can’t be there) with no way to go.
“it’ll be okay,” whispers jessica, clutching her so unyieldingly that it borders on suffocation, but seohyun feels nothing. “it’ll be okay, joohyun-ah. someday you’ll be okay.” she then sniffles before setting her lips into a thin line. “you’re not going to that recording. i’ll have taeyeon call manager-oppa and tell him that you’re sick.”
(meanwhile, the message jessica left in jonghyun’s voicemail goes to join the other fifteen from before.)
“i guess this is it.”
the last day of filming is drawing to a close. the crew packs up their equipment while the managers phone their respective drivers. surprisingly, the atmosphere is bland. no tears, no laughter, no goodbye messages - monotony seems to be the general theme.
seohyun tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and smiles at him, tugging and effortlessly playing with his depleted heartstrings. “it’s been good, hasn’t it?” she inquires. “i mean, i wasn’t too enthusiastic about the idea of a pretend marriage but it’s been so much more than that with you, oppa.”
“it’s been the same for me, hyun.” a small grin garnishes yonghwa’s desolate face. “i couldn’t even imagine doing this ‘we got married’ thing but then i got to do it with you and…it made everything better.”
she doesn’t say anything but she nods as she plays with the lint on her sweater.
mustering up all of his courage, yonghwa manages to blurt out, “hyun, i - “
“it’s too late.”
her declaration is foggy through her scratchy, wavering voice but the underlying meaning is firm (she doesn’t mean that it’s too late for them to be at all; she just means that it’s too late for him to say something like this at such a time, when they’re supposed to part as if they’d never known each other) and patent.
mortified, his fingers automatically fan out over hers. he twitches as he feels the warmth of it slide away. “what do you mean? we’ll still see each other after this, joohyun. we can still be friends; we can even start all over. it’s never too late.”
she gazes at him through eyes that are glassy yet exceedingly mature. “when we see each other again,” seohyun reminds him, “we will be yonghwa and seohyun - not yongseo. keep that in mind, oppa. we had the time of our lives but it isn’t going to come back.”
(she realizes just how much she’s tearing him down but she feels the need to do it herself before his hope gathers up lavishly just to realize that she’s not returning. she worries if it will all vanish by the time she’s ready to return.
i’m sorry is what seohyun really wants to say, and maybe even i love you, but since they’re not going to meet again as them, there’s no point.)
“seohyun, let’s get back to the dorm,” her manager announces, poking his head into the room. he leaves just as quickly as he came. their breaths continue to mingle in the tiny space, not sure what to make of the mere seconds they have left.
yonghwa slips his hand into hers (slipping his heart into her hand, basically) and whispers, “i love you.”
she doesn’t say the same but she squeezes his hand (giving him his heart back because she can’t keep it) and acknowledges his words.
pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek, seohyun stands up before walking out of the room without looking back.
(“ah, seohyun-ssi,” he compliments shyly, “i love girls’ generation’s new song! it’s so good.” almost instantly, seohyun breaks out into a huge smile at the praise. she then bows as a sign of formal gratitude. “your new song is the best, really. i play it all the time,” she admits.
yonghwa doesn’t ask why she plays it. perhaps it’s because she likes the beat or because she admires the lyrics or because she misses the sound of his voice but he decides not to delve deeper into the fundamentals. “thank you. i’m glad you like it.”
it’s sort of about you but it’s okay if you don’t notice.
“so, would you like to have coffee together sometime?”
she has never been the bold type so seohyun doesn’t know where the suggestion stems from but she thinks it’s alright anyway, even if it isn’t a date. he seems genuinely stunned but he beams and nods and says that he’ll take her to a café near his dorm.
there probably won’t be a second meeting but they’ve never had a proper first one - or even a last - so this could be it.)