(Untitled)

[niliwen]

A/N: Prompt: Lace

Family Matters

"Mom preferred to have satin instead of lace at her wedding."
Ellen gritted her teeth as she looked at her foster sister. "She's not *my* mother. I may as well be a cockroach to her."
Cassandra sighed as she returned the framed picture to the mantelpiece. "Please don't go, Elle."
"She doesn't want me to stay."
"I

Comments

dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[bardiphouka]

This is a very well written excerpt, but I have to admit, I am not sure what is going on. Has she just been talked out of getting married?

Re: dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[niliwen]

Hello!

No, Ellen is contemplating leaving the custody of her foster mother. The snippet just starts with Cas' odd remark.

Editing Comments

[fawatson]

General

There really isn’t a great deal to say about this because it is such a short excerpt. I am very impressed with how clearly the scene comes through despite the tiny number of words; that is very good. (But I know you write well as I have read your material before, always with enjoyment.) I also have a certain sympathy with the earlier comments of another reader about the first line. It seems quite disconnected from the rest of the sentence ; and I don’t think it really adds anything to the piece. I suggest just deleting it.

Grammar and Spelling

“duffell” should be spelled “duffel”

“like you want” As colloquial speech this is fine; but it is also ungrammatical speech. Was it intentionally this? If so, fine. If not, I suggest you try: “the way you want”.

Re: Editing Comments

[niliwen]

Thanks!

The colloquialism is intentional.