(Untitled)

[niliwen]

"Whoever thought of this combination as a dessert was a culinary genius."

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

Anton wiped his lips before picking up a second cube of mozzarella and placing it atop a small chunk of pear. "How did you learn about it then?"

"I was very little," Ellen replied, curling up on the sofa. "Really little. Mama was still

Comments

Your BF edit!

[keppiehed]

Hello! I'm one of your editors this week.

-"How did you learn about it[,] then?"

This was the only grammatical correction I could spot. As far as concrit goes, I would like to offer something, but it is rather difficult on a piece with such brevity. I really enjoy short character snapshots such as these, but the downside to relying on established characters is that it counts on your readers really understanding the varied nuances when they come to the piece. It would be nice to see you either develop these characters in longer sketches or else work with brand-news characters in the very short pieces so as to highlight some traits with a fresh eye. As it stands, I can't really comment on this piece when it is so short. But I don't have a problem with it, and I think you always work wonders with dialogue.

Re: Your BF edit!

[niliwen]

Thanks much!

Trying to flesh out characters when I have no time, sadly. Not sure how this week will go.

Edit!

[silverflight8]

Hi niliwen! Long time no....edit? Kinda? I'm your second editor this week.

Anton wiped his lips before picking up a second cube of mozzarella and placing it atop a small chunk of pear.
-It feels like a lot of adjectives are being stacked in this sentence (especially "small chunk of pear"), maybe try to incorporate it elsewhere?

The dialogue portion with "Still want some?"--> "It was my idea" took me a couple reads to understand--is she saying of course she wants some since she was the one to suggest it? It seemed like a non-sequitur to me at first.

I like the snippet and how you don't immediately start out with names (but it becomes quickly obvious), but it's very short snippet so I'd love to see more expansion! (I see this week you have a longer entry :)

Re: Edit!

[niliwen]

Thanks much!

Working with slightly uninspired times. Hopefully this week's snippet works better.