Late night ramblings of a restless man
Hello, it's me again.
As always, when i post here, i'm usually going crazy.
it's 4:30am (though because of daylight savings time it feels like 5:30am)
My mind is awake and moving at 123452152345346534532453 MPH...
So many things going through my head right now, and so i'm trying to sort them out here.
This all started i think, because i'm in a play at school for the theater department, written and directed by a student, called "For Fuck's Sake".
I happen to have the primary role in the play. We perform for the first time (consider it a dress rehearsal) Wednesday night at 10:30pm, and then the actual performance is for the theater department on Friday morning at noon. That means it's coming close.
I think i'm stressing out partially because of this. I'm getting those feelings about how unprepared i feel, and that's because in all honesty, i am unprepared. instead of taking time every day to break down my character and learn my motivations, i've worked on learning the lines, and calling it quits after that. This will lead to me not being prepared.
I'm not performing to the liking of the director, i'm to inhibited, self concious, and i don't know how to change that. I'm constantly terrified that i'm going to forget the lines, and so i do. It doesn't help that i have a history for fucking up my lines, now that it's important that i don't, that's all i can think about. It's one of those catch-22's. I don't wanna screw up, so i think about not wanting to screw up, which makes me screw up.
This is what started my restlessness tonight at least.
I then got to thinking. If i'm going to be unprepared, and not put in the work for a part that someone has been so kind to give me, then why am i trying to be an actor? what are my motivations there? why do i want to be an actor?
I get so many different responses to that question from myself at so many different times of the day, but i think in the long run, the reason why i'm persuing acting, is because i want recognition. i want people to know my name and say that i'm good at something, and i want to know that they know.
I think that's terrible, i don't want that to be my motivation! but it is. that's why i do anything. i want to be told that i'm doing well. it all falls back to my own personal insecurities where i need to be constantly appreciated, acknowledged.
I then move on to wonder, again, if i'm doing the right thing in school. should i be a theater major? especially if i don't want to put in the work to properly perform? would i be better off switching back to film?
Other things that bring up that question are some things that have been happening around here. I've been talking to Chris about different projects, and helping him get set up on his current one, as well as working out scheduling with my friend Landon on when i can help with his film. The conversations with Chris have lit the fire in me to work on a movie again, to manipulate images and sound and story to make something of quality. I can't help but feel that maybe i'm not a performer, it's true i like attention, i like to perform, but maybe i'm not a performer, perhaps i'm meant to be more behind the scenes. I thrive on the technological aspect of filmmaking.
But all of this thinking brings up other issues: My Dad is paying for my education. This is my 5th year going to school (granted, i spent 3 at city college, so at least i wasn't horribly expensive), and he's retiring at the end of the year. If i keep changing majors, i will never get a degree. But can i stay with something that i'm not going to put my soul into?
I've also been thinking about a documentary that i really would like to make, but i keep putting other more urgent business in it's way, therefore, at this rate, i don't see it ever being made.
I like the idea of taking some time off of school after this semester, getting a full time job, supporting myself as i save up the money to do this documentary, while at the same time putting in the work to organize it actually happening. Talking to the people i need to talk to, figuring out travel plans, how much money i'll need etc.
I like that idea, but one of the reasons i'm afraid of that is, if i were to not go to school i would be commiting myself to having to follow through. Which is a good and a bad thing. If i didn't follow through i would have no respect for myself, and if i did, that would require myself sacrificing so many things that i'm either not sure i want to sacrifice, or i do want to, they're just hard to.
I also don't like the idea that if i were to stop school i'd be dissapointing my family. I know that i shouldn't be doing school for them, i should be doing it for myself, but i really don't like school or feel like i can put myself fully into it, the only reason i'm doing anything is to try to secure a future...
I don't know that i'm ready to commit to supporting myself. I've lived my entire life, as much as i hate to admit it, without ever really having to struggle. My Dad lived his life well, and i got to benefit from it. The problem i see in that however, is i've also never learned a good healthy work ethic. I feel that i can slack off and procrastinate, because i constantly get away with it.
I don't WANT that, but that's something that's hard to reprogram.
I constantly feel that i have to be sent off on my own to struggle for a while so that i can build my own life, but that's something that i'm too terrified to ask for. I don't want to give up this comfortable life. But i fully believe in every part of my body that a person needs to earn his comfort, and i haven't.
So what do i do?
I don't know how to turn to God. I've never really understood God...though i know i've made claims that i have...
I really don't know what i believe when it comes to Him(Her, It), i just know that i believe there IS something there.
I've never truly felt comfortable with prayer though, i don't know how to do it, i don't know how to have faith in it.
i feel like such a hypocrit, because i have found myself telling others to pray, to have faith, when that's somehting that i can't do, that i lack.
Holy goodness, you see what i mean? My mind is racing!!! it's now 5:03am, i'm still up. I have school at 8:00am, though i've decided to not go to at least my first 2 classes (if not all) because i need to take time today to really figure out my character. We have a rehearsal tonight, and if i can't do better i might find myself running around the school's biggest fountain in my underwear...though i understand how that might help me lose some of my inhibitions, it's not exactly something i have any interest in doing.
Dammit, i was hoping that writing this would help me to relieve some of my tension, some of my restlessness, i wanted to call someone and talk to them, i want to talk to my Dad....or my Mom... about it, but i don't feel ok calling anybody at 4 in the morning, or it's not possible in any way shape or form...
I guess i'll go lie down and try again to go to sleep, but i don't forsee myself getting a good nights sleep until after this damn show is over...
I need stop playing video games...
As always, when i post here, i'm usually going crazy.
it's 4:30am (though because of daylight savings time it feels like 5:30am)
My mind is awake and moving at 123452152345346534532453 MPH...
So many things going through my head right now, and so i'm trying to sort them out here.
This all started i think, because i'm in a play at school for the theater department, written and directed by a student, called "For Fuck's Sake".
I happen to have the primary role in the play. We perform for the first time (consider it a dress rehearsal) Wednesday night at 10:30pm, and then the actual performance is for the theater department on Friday morning at noon. That means it's coming close.
I think i'm stressing out partially because of this. I'm getting those feelings about how unprepared i feel, and that's because in all honesty, i am unprepared. instead of taking time every day to break down my character and learn my motivations, i've worked on learning the lines, and calling it quits after that. This will lead to me not being prepared.
I'm not performing to the liking of the director, i'm to inhibited, self concious, and i don't know how to change that. I'm constantly terrified that i'm going to forget the lines, and so i do. It doesn't help that i have a history for fucking up my lines, now that it's important that i don't, that's all i can think about. It's one of those catch-22's. I don't wanna screw up, so i think about not wanting to screw up, which makes me screw up.
This is what started my restlessness tonight at least.
I then got to thinking. If i'm going to be unprepared, and not put in the work for a part that someone has been so kind to give me, then why am i trying to be an actor? what are my motivations there? why do i want to be an actor?
I get so many different responses to that question from myself at so many different times of the day, but i think in the long run, the reason why i'm persuing acting, is because i want recognition. i want people to know my name and say that i'm good at something, and i want to know that they know.
I think that's terrible, i don't want that to be my motivation! but it is. that's why i do anything. i want to be told that i'm doing well. it all falls back to my own personal insecurities where i need to be constantly appreciated, acknowledged.
I then move on to wonder, again, if i'm doing the right thing in school. should i be a theater major? especially if i don't want to put in the work to properly perform? would i be better off switching back to film?
Other things that bring up that question are some things that have been happening around here. I've been talking to Chris about different projects, and helping him get set up on his current one, as well as working out scheduling with my friend Landon on when i can help with his film. The conversations with Chris have lit the fire in me to work on a movie again, to manipulate images and sound and story to make something of quality. I can't help but feel that maybe i'm not a performer, it's true i like attention, i like to perform, but maybe i'm not a performer, perhaps i'm meant to be more behind the scenes. I thrive on the technological aspect of filmmaking.
But all of this thinking brings up other issues: My Dad is paying for my education. This is my 5th year going to school (granted, i spent 3 at city college, so at least i wasn't horribly expensive), and he's retiring at the end of the year. If i keep changing majors, i will never get a degree. But can i stay with something that i'm not going to put my soul into?
I've also been thinking about a documentary that i really would like to make, but i keep putting other more urgent business in it's way, therefore, at this rate, i don't see it ever being made.
I like the idea of taking some time off of school after this semester, getting a full time job, supporting myself as i save up the money to do this documentary, while at the same time putting in the work to organize it actually happening. Talking to the people i need to talk to, figuring out travel plans, how much money i'll need etc.
I like that idea, but one of the reasons i'm afraid of that is, if i were to not go to school i would be commiting myself to having to follow through. Which is a good and a bad thing. If i didn't follow through i would have no respect for myself, and if i did, that would require myself sacrificing so many things that i'm either not sure i want to sacrifice, or i do want to, they're just hard to.
I also don't like the idea that if i were to stop school i'd be dissapointing my family. I know that i shouldn't be doing school for them, i should be doing it for myself, but i really don't like school or feel like i can put myself fully into it, the only reason i'm doing anything is to try to secure a future...
I don't know that i'm ready to commit to supporting myself. I've lived my entire life, as much as i hate to admit it, without ever really having to struggle. My Dad lived his life well, and i got to benefit from it. The problem i see in that however, is i've also never learned a good healthy work ethic. I feel that i can slack off and procrastinate, because i constantly get away with it.
I don't WANT that, but that's something that's hard to reprogram.
I constantly feel that i have to be sent off on my own to struggle for a while so that i can build my own life, but that's something that i'm too terrified to ask for. I don't want to give up this comfortable life. But i fully believe in every part of my body that a person needs to earn his comfort, and i haven't.
So what do i do?
I don't know how to turn to God. I've never really understood God...though i know i've made claims that i have...
I really don't know what i believe when it comes to Him(Her, It), i just know that i believe there IS something there.
I've never truly felt comfortable with prayer though, i don't know how to do it, i don't know how to have faith in it.
i feel like such a hypocrit, because i have found myself telling others to pray, to have faith, when that's somehting that i can't do, that i lack.
Holy goodness, you see what i mean? My mind is racing!!! it's now 5:03am, i'm still up. I have school at 8:00am, though i've decided to not go to at least my first 2 classes (if not all) because i need to take time today to really figure out my character. We have a rehearsal tonight, and if i can't do better i might find myself running around the school's biggest fountain in my underwear...though i understand how that might help me lose some of my inhibitions, it's not exactly something i have any interest in doing.
Dammit, i was hoping that writing this would help me to relieve some of my tension, some of my restlessness, i wanted to call someone and talk to them, i want to talk to my Dad....or my Mom... about it, but i don't feel ok calling anybody at 4 in the morning, or it's not possible in any way shape or form...
I guess i'll go lie down and try again to go to sleep, but i don't forsee myself getting a good nights sleep until after this damn show is over...
I need stop playing video games...