The Hazards of Love; Glee
Title: The Hazards of Love
Pairings: Puck/Kurt, vague Mike/Kurt and OMC/Kurt.
Genre: Humour.
Summary: Kurt goes for the idiot alternative.
The Hazards of Love
Kurt's first boyfriend was an exchange student named Rodrigo - with slicked-back wavy hair, tan skin and an appalling lack of intelligence. But Kurt had found he liked them dumb; it just so happened Finn had crossed the line of 'dumb' to 'in need of medical attention.' It just so happened that Kurt, in fact, really liked that too and therefore it was obviously the perfect time to man-up - as Artie had told him, waving a leather-gloved hand in his face - and move on.
And it sucked. Rodrigo was hot, and nice, and could dance, but he drew a blank to most of Kurt's tidal waves of sarcasm and his constant referencing to pop-culture. For the sake of becoming a connoisseur in all things romance by the time he hit college, Kurt braved onwards with him. It was rather convenient his boyfriend was so simple; Kurt could have almost shamefully easy perv's on Finn anytime, and he'd be none the wiser.
It happened out of the blue.
At lunch, he wandered over with a black eye and said in his once adorably accented voice, "I'm sorry, Kurt."
The only thing Kurt had been sorry about was that he ended up being the indignant dumpee.
-
It remained a mystery as to why his current ex went into fourth period perfectly unharmed, but waltzed over at lunch with a fucked up face. Kurt swallowed his guilt and asked no questions, because whoever it had been blatantly had a sweet right hook.
At the table, it became kind of taboo to discuss - mostly because Kurt didn't like hearing about it afterwards, but also because Artie was stuck with images of violent Frenching that would traumatize him years into committed therapy, and when a word was spoke about it, he would roll himself backwards and his eye would twitch a little.
(Kurt learned it was a very good trick for having girl-talk, because it wasn't like they could ask Tina about the size if he was sitting ,right there. Not to mention, when Tina did cave and confess to them, it would have been extremely embarrassing for Artie, and Mercedes would probably do that pitying 'have the rest of my Slushie to forget about your poor manhood' thing to him, like she did when Kurt came out.)
So, generally speaking, it wasn't a subject anyone dwelled on too much. Until Kurt manned up and moved on again.
-
It turned out, Mike was kind of supremely homo. For the record, Kurt totally knew, because straight guys could not dance that well, present themselves as attractively or dress themselves without making some horrid mistake like clashing patterns or worse, as Mr Shuester himself once demonstrated, Converse with suit pants. Kurt had been anxious that day, relatively certain this dress-code was indeed a fabled harbinger of the apocalypse.
Mike told him this one day after football practice - in nothing but a towel, no less, and how unfair was pulling something like that when Kurt had so recently had his poor heart bruised? And shit, was Mike built.
He murmured something bashful and incoherent, and Kurt nodded distractedly - shit, was he built - and then they were suddenly dating.
In all honesty, Mike was ten times more awesome. He kissed a lot better from a lot more experience - courtesy of Brittany's tongue - and Kurt liked how he was a little ditzy, and tall, and weirdly charming.
It lasted about a month until Mike fleed back into the closet and Kurt, sadly, still wasn't the initiator of the break-up.
-
This seemed off too. Mike was a breakdancing, show-tune singing footballer; after at least three weeks, why suddenly lose all your cohones without a cause?
But Kurt didn't go on about this because it made him feel moany, when he was really just vaguely curious at the coincidence.
-
"You need to take a break for a while," Finn muttered to him one day in Glee, checking hastily over his shoulder at the group behind them.
Kurt raised an eyebrow. "From what?"
"Y'know, dating all the time."
At first Kurt was inexplicably flattered. It must have showed, because Finn quickly corrected himself, face bright.
"I mean, 'cause Sectional's are coming up and stuff. We all need to focus."
Which was a little out of line coming from the teenager with the impregnated girlfriend and eager admirer taking up every moment of his day, but Kurt let it slide, because it made sense and it was Finn.
"Maybe," he said with a shrug, but he knew he definitely would, anyway. Finn's word was law.
Finn looked over his shoulder again and shot someone a smile.
-
It didn't really click with Kurt for a while, until the day in Summer he'd worn jean-leggings and a long, slim-fitting Blondie top. His hair had been mussed a little, and there was an expert dash of eyeliner.
Noah Puckerman beat up the whole freshman band by break.
-
Kurt didn't want to believe it. It was his own little ghost in the attic; he would pretend it didn't exist until the day it leapt out from the darkness and scared the absolute bejesus out of him.
Puck kind of forced himself on him though, and he was double the size of Kurt, not to mention countless amounts more intimidating - so Kurt just squeaked, pressing himself flat against his locker, and let it happen, alarmed.
"Hummel," Puck greeted, almost quiet, a little throaty. He opened his mouth, then shut it again, and it continued until Kurt had very nearly shed tears at the anticipation. Finally, Puck decided on: "Can I copy your Spanish homework?"
Kurt heaved his whole bag at him and ran away down the corridor, bemoaning fate all the while.
-
Puck struck up conversation with him at Glee a lot after that.
Stupid shit. And he'd be all shifty and Kurt would cling to Mercedes arm and have his eyes popping the whole time because this was just sick. God had some immense problem with him since birth. Karma was furious because he swapped the hideous flannel shirt his father bought him for his birthday with something that didn't make him look like a tiny lumberjack. Some power in the universe simply did not like Kurt because having Noah Puckerman's as his not-so-secret admirer was genuinely the iceberg to Kurt's Titanic.
-
For a week longer, Kurt ignored it and Puck ignored it; and all their friends discussed it on a daily basis because the whole pregnant thing was way last semester.
But then Puck sang him Debbie fucking Gibson and Kurt's stomach did butterflies for the rest of the day. Artie threatened Puck by making some vicious gesture with his wheelchair and Mercedes did it with her nails. "Screw manicures. That boy is walking sexual harassment."
"Forget it," Kurt said flippantly, because he thought maybe, "I want to plow him," was just out of the question, at least with her.
-
"Did you ever see Bridget Jones?" Rachel asked him at lunch one day.
Kurt paused, uneasy. "Yes?"
"She doesn't end up like she thinks she will, and she's still happy with Collin Firth anyway."
A spasm crossed Kurt's face in annoyance. "Your point being?"
Rachel cleared her throat, smiling awkwardly, "I just liked the movie."
And Kurt should just have told her bluntly to piss off, because he spent the following half hour of lunch listening to Rachel's views on A Single Man.
-
"Did you ever see Bridget Jones?" Puck asked him at rehearsal the next day.
Kurt stared at him, blank. "I did," he answered, throat dry and heart thumping. "Why?"
"It made no fucking sense. Collin Firth over Hugh Grant? I fucking hate that movie."
Kurt snorted and said, "Hugh Grant was an asshole."
Puck frowned. "Assholes need love, too."
-
Regionals rolled around like a hurricane. Everyone was frantic and hasty and more than once, Artie had proclaimed, "We're gonna die." The bus trip was a blur and Rachel was almost sick all over Kurt's new skinny jeans, so he sat in a terrible mood most of the day.
"What," he snarled when Puck walked up to him. "Can you just say it already?"
The teenagers face went bright red in fury. "Fine." He slammed the can of Cola he'd brought for Kurt down on the table and said, "I bet up your Spanish friend, I threated Mike Chang's balls with my studded football boots, and I punched Finn in the jaw when he said he wasn't interested you. He doesn't get you, none of them did, okay? I like you Kurt, and it doesn't just suck for you, either."
When he stormed away, Kurt was left with the most monstrous boner he'd ever had.
-
So, after they performed, and won - by a long shot - Kurt apologized.
"I was a bitch," he said, and God, how many times does he have to say that?
Puck nodded, thoughtfully. "You were. I can see where your coming from, they were nice pants."
Kurt smiled.
"What do you think about," Puck started, and he licked his lips, "What do you think about - "
And Kurt kissed him lightly, standing as tall as his tip toes allowed. Puck had dry lips and frisky hands and Kurt didn't even care because he liked him, he did.
"Fuck Collin Firth," he muttered, and he didn't know what it meant exactly, but it probably sounded good enough for Puck.
"Fuck him good," Puck conceded, and he lifted Kurt up and kissed him again.
-
What is this, I don't even.
Pairings: Puck/Kurt, vague Mike/Kurt and OMC/Kurt.
Genre: Humour.
Summary: Kurt goes for the idiot alternative.
The Hazards of Love
Kurt's first boyfriend was an exchange student named Rodrigo - with slicked-back wavy hair, tan skin and an appalling lack of intelligence. But Kurt had found he liked them dumb; it just so happened Finn had crossed the line of 'dumb' to 'in need of medical attention.' It just so happened that Kurt, in fact, really liked that too and therefore it was obviously the perfect time to man-up - as Artie had told him, waving a leather-gloved hand in his face - and move on.
And it sucked. Rodrigo was hot, and nice, and could dance, but he drew a blank to most of Kurt's tidal waves of sarcasm and his constant referencing to pop-culture. For the sake of becoming a connoisseur in all things romance by the time he hit college, Kurt braved onwards with him. It was rather convenient his boyfriend was so simple; Kurt could have almost shamefully easy perv's on Finn anytime, and he'd be none the wiser.
It happened out of the blue.
At lunch, he wandered over with a black eye and said in his once adorably accented voice, "I'm sorry, Kurt."
The only thing Kurt had been sorry about was that he ended up being the indignant dumpee.
-
It remained a mystery as to why his current ex went into fourth period perfectly unharmed, but waltzed over at lunch with a fucked up face. Kurt swallowed his guilt and asked no questions, because whoever it had been blatantly had a sweet right hook.
At the table, it became kind of taboo to discuss - mostly because Kurt didn't like hearing about it afterwards, but also because Artie was stuck with images of violent Frenching that would traumatize him years into committed therapy, and when a word was spoke about it, he would roll himself backwards and his eye would twitch a little.
(Kurt learned it was a very good trick for having girl-talk, because it wasn't like they could ask Tina about the size if he was sitting ,right there. Not to mention, when Tina did cave and confess to them, it would have been extremely embarrassing for Artie, and Mercedes would probably do that pitying 'have the rest of my Slushie to forget about your poor manhood' thing to him, like she did when Kurt came out.)
So, generally speaking, it wasn't a subject anyone dwelled on too much. Until Kurt manned up and moved on again.
-
It turned out, Mike was kind of supremely homo. For the record, Kurt totally knew, because straight guys could not dance that well, present themselves as attractively or dress themselves without making some horrid mistake like clashing patterns or worse, as Mr Shuester himself once demonstrated, Converse with suit pants. Kurt had been anxious that day, relatively certain this dress-code was indeed a fabled harbinger of the apocalypse.
Mike told him this one day after football practice - in nothing but a towel, no less, and how unfair was pulling something like that when Kurt had so recently had his poor heart bruised? And shit, was Mike built.
He murmured something bashful and incoherent, and Kurt nodded distractedly - shit, was he built - and then they were suddenly dating.
In all honesty, Mike was ten times more awesome. He kissed a lot better from a lot more experience - courtesy of Brittany's tongue - and Kurt liked how he was a little ditzy, and tall, and weirdly charming.
It lasted about a month until Mike fleed back into the closet and Kurt, sadly, still wasn't the initiator of the break-up.
-
This seemed off too. Mike was a breakdancing, show-tune singing footballer; after at least three weeks, why suddenly lose all your cohones without a cause?
But Kurt didn't go on about this because it made him feel moany, when he was really just vaguely curious at the coincidence.
-
"You need to take a break for a while," Finn muttered to him one day in Glee, checking hastily over his shoulder at the group behind them.
Kurt raised an eyebrow. "From what?"
"Y'know, dating all the time."
At first Kurt was inexplicably flattered. It must have showed, because Finn quickly corrected himself, face bright.
"I mean, 'cause Sectional's are coming up and stuff. We all need to focus."
Which was a little out of line coming from the teenager with the impregnated girlfriend and eager admirer taking up every moment of his day, but Kurt let it slide, because it made sense and it was Finn.
"Maybe," he said with a shrug, but he knew he definitely would, anyway. Finn's word was law.
Finn looked over his shoulder again and shot someone a smile.
-
It didn't really click with Kurt for a while, until the day in Summer he'd worn jean-leggings and a long, slim-fitting Blondie top. His hair had been mussed a little, and there was an expert dash of eyeliner.
Noah Puckerman beat up the whole freshman band by break.
-
Kurt didn't want to believe it. It was his own little ghost in the attic; he would pretend it didn't exist until the day it leapt out from the darkness and scared the absolute bejesus out of him.
Puck kind of forced himself on him though, and he was double the size of Kurt, not to mention countless amounts more intimidating - so Kurt just squeaked, pressing himself flat against his locker, and let it happen, alarmed.
"Hummel," Puck greeted, almost quiet, a little throaty. He opened his mouth, then shut it again, and it continued until Kurt had very nearly shed tears at the anticipation. Finally, Puck decided on: "Can I copy your Spanish homework?"
Kurt heaved his whole bag at him and ran away down the corridor, bemoaning fate all the while.
-
Puck struck up conversation with him at Glee a lot after that.
Stupid shit. And he'd be all shifty and Kurt would cling to Mercedes arm and have his eyes popping the whole time because this was just sick. God had some immense problem with him since birth. Karma was furious because he swapped the hideous flannel shirt his father bought him for his birthday with something that didn't make him look like a tiny lumberjack. Some power in the universe simply did not like Kurt because having Noah Puckerman's as his not-so-secret admirer was genuinely the iceberg to Kurt's Titanic.
-
For a week longer, Kurt ignored it and Puck ignored it; and all their friends discussed it on a daily basis because the whole pregnant thing was way last semester.
But then Puck sang him Debbie fucking Gibson and Kurt's stomach did butterflies for the rest of the day. Artie threatened Puck by making some vicious gesture with his wheelchair and Mercedes did it with her nails. "Screw manicures. That boy is walking sexual harassment."
"Forget it," Kurt said flippantly, because he thought maybe, "I want to plow him," was just out of the question, at least with her.
-
"Did you ever see Bridget Jones?" Rachel asked him at lunch one day.
Kurt paused, uneasy. "Yes?"
"She doesn't end up like she thinks she will, and she's still happy with Collin Firth anyway."
A spasm crossed Kurt's face in annoyance. "Your point being?"
Rachel cleared her throat, smiling awkwardly, "I just liked the movie."
And Kurt should just have told her bluntly to piss off, because he spent the following half hour of lunch listening to Rachel's views on A Single Man.
-
"Did you ever see Bridget Jones?" Puck asked him at rehearsal the next day.
Kurt stared at him, blank. "I did," he answered, throat dry and heart thumping. "Why?"
"It made no fucking sense. Collin Firth over Hugh Grant? I fucking hate that movie."
Kurt snorted and said, "Hugh Grant was an asshole."
Puck frowned. "Assholes need love, too."
-
Regionals rolled around like a hurricane. Everyone was frantic and hasty and more than once, Artie had proclaimed, "We're gonna die." The bus trip was a blur and Rachel was almost sick all over Kurt's new skinny jeans, so he sat in a terrible mood most of the day.
"What," he snarled when Puck walked up to him. "Can you just say it already?"
The teenagers face went bright red in fury. "Fine." He slammed the can of Cola he'd brought for Kurt down on the table and said, "I bet up your Spanish friend, I threated Mike Chang's balls with my studded football boots, and I punched Finn in the jaw when he said he wasn't interested you. He doesn't get you, none of them did, okay? I like you Kurt, and it doesn't just suck for you, either."
When he stormed away, Kurt was left with the most monstrous boner he'd ever had.
-
So, after they performed, and won - by a long shot - Kurt apologized.
"I was a bitch," he said, and God, how many times does he have to say that?
Puck nodded, thoughtfully. "You were. I can see where your coming from, they were nice pants."
Kurt smiled.
"What do you think about," Puck started, and he licked his lips, "What do you think about - "
And Kurt kissed him lightly, standing as tall as his tip toes allowed. Puck had dry lips and frisky hands and Kurt didn't even care because he liked him, he did.
"Fuck Collin Firth," he muttered, and he didn't know what it meant exactly, but it probably sounded good enough for Puck.
"Fuck him good," Puck conceded, and he lifted Kurt up and kissed him again.
-
What is this, I don't even.