Fic: Press 3 for the Apocalypse 1/1
The next story in my 'Darcy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired)' series.
Title and most of phone voicemail message courtesy of Ithildyn
"If this is billing question, press 1. If this is a planetary emergency, press 2. If this is a supernatural apocalypse, press 3. Then, leave a message. If it's personal, or for reasons 2 or 3, I'll get back to you. If it's for reason 1, I'm sorry, you're screwed."
"Darcy, it's Alicia," one of the Slayers of New York City giggled. "I love your phone message. Planetary emergency? Really? Like you know the Avengers or something? Anyway… Liz and I are wondering if you're available tomorrow afternoon for coffee and gossip. You'll never guess what happened in Spain last week. And, considering how boring your job must be, you'll need a good laugh."
=====
"They're just so childish!" Darcy exclaimed as she paced Coulson' office.
"They're eighteen, and still in high school," Coulson calmly pointed out. "You were there not too long before, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Darcy waved the point away. "Anyway, I'm off to get the latest Council gossip while listening to two teens giggle and ponder how boring my life is."
Coulson smirked. "Remember, they get nightly excitement from patrolling, and think your life is nothing but nine to five scientist wrangling."
"Secret identities suck," Darcy grumbled as she left.
=====
"Darcy? Hey, it's Liz. I still think you're voicemail message is the best ever. If we ever run into the Avengers while patrolling, we'll get you their autographs. Guess what happened! Alicia and I got invited to the senior prom! You know it's a 'rite of passage' for all women. So, you can't say no to our request. We just need you to take our patrol route for two nights. The night before and night of the prom. No big deal. We'll work extra hard the week before the prom so it'll be a breeze to you. We'll email the details! Thanks!"
=====
"Anything else?" Coulson asked at the end of their weekly meeting.
Darcy sighed. "Yes. Next week's meeting needs moved forward two days."
Coulson arched an eyebrow. "Why?"
Darcy sighed again. "I'm patrolling for two nights so Alicia and Liz can go to their prom. So, I'm taking those days off since I'll be up most of the night." Waving a hand half-heartedly, she continued, "Yay. Go, backup. "
Coulson nodded. "Approved. I'll see if anyone at the Tower is available to help and to keep you company."
"Not Thor!" Darcy requested with wide eyes. "Please, not Thor! It'll end up with explosions and large pits and more explosions!"
"How do the kids say it these days?" Coulson asked with a smirk. "That would be epic."
=====
"So, this is what Slayers do?" Steve asked as he and Darcy wandered through a graveyard.
"Mostly," Darcy replied, twirling a stake in one hand. "There's a bit of research through the papers and news websites, looking for any bizarre death activities in alleys and clubs, plus looking through the obituaries for possible future vampire raisings. Also, random apocalypses do crop up."
"And, tonight?" Steve asked as the two exited the cemetery and walked towards to their car.
Darcy shrugged. "A few more areas to wander. Shouldn't be more than two hours."
Before they could reach the car, they were surrounded by three men. "Well, well, well. Look what we have here boys. A late night stroll, perhaps?"
Darcy rolled her eyes and turned to Steve. "Vampires."
Nodding, Steve pulled a stake from his pocket and lunged. One of the vampires turned to dust as he plunged a stake into his heart.
"Joe!" one of the two remaining vampires exclaimed.
"We're going to kill you," the other vampire growled.
"Uh huh," Darcy said, disbelievingly. A few seconds later, she was a blur, and a second vampire turned to dust. "Want to rephrase that?"
The third vampire turned and started to run away.
"I hate when they run," Darcy stated with a sigh. Before she could jog after the vampire, an arrow flew through the air and straight into the fleeing vampire's heart, turning him to dust.
"Get over here!" Darcy exclaimed into the night.
"Nope," Clint's voice called out from the trees. "I'm happy out here."
"I consider this stalking!" Darcy yelled before stomping to the driver's side of the car.
"Meet you at the next location!" Clint voice drifted over as Steve got into the passenger side of the car with a grin.
=====
"MOVE IT BEFORE I TASE YOUR ASS! I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE CUTE AND PRETTY! THEY TOUCH YOU, YOU PROBABLY DIE! OR AT LEAST FALL Unconscious! MOVE IT!" Darcy yelled towards the crowd of people she was herding away from the current Avengers crisis situation.
"Darcy?" Alicia asked while Liz stared at their fellow Slayer with wide eyes as people streamed around them, following Darcy's orders.
Darcy blinked. Pausing to regain her equilibrium, she replied, "Oh, hi, guys. You need to follow these people. This just became a secure zone." Turning to glare at the woman trying to sneak away, she yelled, "YOU! YES! YOU! MISS 'I'M A RAG REPORTER!' BACK OFF BEFORE I MAKE YOU BACK OFF!"
"You're wearing a badge," Liz stated, pointing at the SHIELD badge around Darcy's neck.
"Yes, I am. Now, you get out of the area," Darcy said, pointing away from the battle they could hear. However, the two teens didn't move. A few moments later, only Darcy and her fellow Slayers were left.
"Agent Lewis?" Natasha asked, appearing out of nowhere.
Darcy arched an eyebrow and calmly replied, "Yes, Widow?"
Natasha pointed at the two Slayers. "Iron Man states these are the last civilians in the battle area per his scans. We're going to Phase Two."
Darcy's eyes widened as she pushed the two younger girls. "Move it. We don't want to be here for Phase Two. Phase Two is always bad."
"Black Widow knows your name," Alicia pointed out.
"Uh huh. Keep moving." As the three reached the other side of the police barrier, Darcy sighed. "And, I really liked the shoe store on that block, too."
"Agent Lewis," A junior SHIELD agent asked as he jogged up. "Agent Coulson is asking for a sit rep."
"Right," Darcy replied with a sharp nod as she strode towards the black van off to one side, ignoring the two Slayers trailing behind her. As she approached the vehicle, the rear doors opened and Coulson stepped out. Seeing the teenagers following Darcy, he raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, cover blown," Darcy said with a shrug. "Anyway, the site's cleared of civilians, and the Avengers are doing a Phase Two."
Sighing, Coulson pinched the bridge of his nose. "I hate Phase Two's."
"I'm going to regret this," Darcy replied. "But, I'll help with the paperwork."
Coulson glared. "You just want to disappear into the secure building they have no access to so you don't have to explain the whole situation to them."
Darcy rolled her eyes. "Who won the pool, anyway?"
"Bruce," Coulson said as he handed over a clipboard of full of paper. "If you could have waited until tomorrow to reveal your secret identity, I would have won."
"I should have never put down it would have lasted a year," Darcy sighed.
Title and most of phone voicemail message courtesy of Ithildyn
"If this is billing question, press 1. If this is a planetary emergency, press 2. If this is a supernatural apocalypse, press 3. Then, leave a message. If it's personal, or for reasons 2 or 3, I'll get back to you. If it's for reason 1, I'm sorry, you're screwed."
"Darcy, it's Alicia," one of the Slayers of New York City giggled. "I love your phone message. Planetary emergency? Really? Like you know the Avengers or something? Anyway… Liz and I are wondering if you're available tomorrow afternoon for coffee and gossip. You'll never guess what happened in Spain last week. And, considering how boring your job must be, you'll need a good laugh."
=====
"They're just so childish!" Darcy exclaimed as she paced Coulson' office.
"They're eighteen, and still in high school," Coulson calmly pointed out. "You were there not too long before, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Darcy waved the point away. "Anyway, I'm off to get the latest Council gossip while listening to two teens giggle and ponder how boring my life is."
Coulson smirked. "Remember, they get nightly excitement from patrolling, and think your life is nothing but nine to five scientist wrangling."
"Secret identities suck," Darcy grumbled as she left.
=====
"Darcy? Hey, it's Liz. I still think you're voicemail message is the best ever. If we ever run into the Avengers while patrolling, we'll get you their autographs. Guess what happened! Alicia and I got invited to the senior prom! You know it's a 'rite of passage' for all women. So, you can't say no to our request. We just need you to take our patrol route for two nights. The night before and night of the prom. No big deal. We'll work extra hard the week before the prom so it'll be a breeze to you. We'll email the details! Thanks!"
=====
"Anything else?" Coulson asked at the end of their weekly meeting.
Darcy sighed. "Yes. Next week's meeting needs moved forward two days."
Coulson arched an eyebrow. "Why?"
Darcy sighed again. "I'm patrolling for two nights so Alicia and Liz can go to their prom. So, I'm taking those days off since I'll be up most of the night." Waving a hand half-heartedly, she continued, "Yay. Go, backup. "
Coulson nodded. "Approved. I'll see if anyone at the Tower is available to help and to keep you company."
"Not Thor!" Darcy requested with wide eyes. "Please, not Thor! It'll end up with explosions and large pits and more explosions!"
"How do the kids say it these days?" Coulson asked with a smirk. "That would be epic."
=====
"So, this is what Slayers do?" Steve asked as he and Darcy wandered through a graveyard.
"Mostly," Darcy replied, twirling a stake in one hand. "There's a bit of research through the papers and news websites, looking for any bizarre death activities in alleys and clubs, plus looking through the obituaries for possible future vampire raisings. Also, random apocalypses do crop up."
"And, tonight?" Steve asked as the two exited the cemetery and walked towards to their car.
Darcy shrugged. "A few more areas to wander. Shouldn't be more than two hours."
Before they could reach the car, they were surrounded by three men. "Well, well, well. Look what we have here boys. A late night stroll, perhaps?"
Darcy rolled her eyes and turned to Steve. "Vampires."
Nodding, Steve pulled a stake from his pocket and lunged. One of the vampires turned to dust as he plunged a stake into his heart.
"Joe!" one of the two remaining vampires exclaimed.
"We're going to kill you," the other vampire growled.
"Uh huh," Darcy said, disbelievingly. A few seconds later, she was a blur, and a second vampire turned to dust. "Want to rephrase that?"
The third vampire turned and started to run away.
"I hate when they run," Darcy stated with a sigh. Before she could jog after the vampire, an arrow flew through the air and straight into the fleeing vampire's heart, turning him to dust.
"Get over here!" Darcy exclaimed into the night.
"Nope," Clint's voice called out from the trees. "I'm happy out here."
"I consider this stalking!" Darcy yelled before stomping to the driver's side of the car.
"Meet you at the next location!" Clint voice drifted over as Steve got into the passenger side of the car with a grin.
=====
"MOVE IT BEFORE I TASE YOUR ASS! I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE CUTE AND PRETTY! THEY TOUCH YOU, YOU PROBABLY DIE! OR AT LEAST FALL Unconscious! MOVE IT!" Darcy yelled towards the crowd of people she was herding away from the current Avengers crisis situation.
"Darcy?" Alicia asked while Liz stared at their fellow Slayer with wide eyes as people streamed around them, following Darcy's orders.
Darcy blinked. Pausing to regain her equilibrium, she replied, "Oh, hi, guys. You need to follow these people. This just became a secure zone." Turning to glare at the woman trying to sneak away, she yelled, "YOU! YES! YOU! MISS 'I'M A RAG REPORTER!' BACK OFF BEFORE I MAKE YOU BACK OFF!"
"You're wearing a badge," Liz stated, pointing at the SHIELD badge around Darcy's neck.
"Yes, I am. Now, you get out of the area," Darcy said, pointing away from the battle they could hear. However, the two teens didn't move. A few moments later, only Darcy and her fellow Slayers were left.
"Agent Lewis?" Natasha asked, appearing out of nowhere.
Darcy arched an eyebrow and calmly replied, "Yes, Widow?"
Natasha pointed at the two Slayers. "Iron Man states these are the last civilians in the battle area per his scans. We're going to Phase Two."
Darcy's eyes widened as she pushed the two younger girls. "Move it. We don't want to be here for Phase Two. Phase Two is always bad."
"Black Widow knows your name," Alicia pointed out.
"Uh huh. Keep moving." As the three reached the other side of the police barrier, Darcy sighed. "And, I really liked the shoe store on that block, too."
"Agent Lewis," A junior SHIELD agent asked as he jogged up. "Agent Coulson is asking for a sit rep."
"Right," Darcy replied with a sharp nod as she strode towards the black van off to one side, ignoring the two Slayers trailing behind her. As she approached the vehicle, the rear doors opened and Coulson stepped out. Seeing the teenagers following Darcy, he raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, cover blown," Darcy said with a shrug. "Anyway, the site's cleared of civilians, and the Avengers are doing a Phase Two."
Sighing, Coulson pinched the bridge of his nose. "I hate Phase Two's."
"I'm going to regret this," Darcy replied. "But, I'll help with the paperwork."
Coulson glared. "You just want to disappear into the secure building they have no access to so you don't have to explain the whole situation to them."
Darcy rolled her eyes. "Who won the pool, anyway?"
"Bruce," Coulson said as he handed over a clipboard of full of paper. "If you could have waited until tomorrow to reveal your secret identity, I would have won."
"I should have never put down it would have lasted a year," Darcy sighed.