..The worst is over now - - and we can breathe again..
Hi. I need to vent off, desperately, read if you like or just click the X in the right hand corner of your screen.
Today was very good, tonight I never want to live again. Today I woke up at 10, not too happy about that but I'll live, and I babysat while my mom went out with my brother for him to buy something with his earned money. I started watching the Parent Trap and my mom came in with Best Way pizza. After I ate and everything, I went to my room and cleaned it, i'm halfway finished. I washed my hair and packed and here i'm at my dads for the night.
My dad and stepmom had a party for the last PSU game tonight and all their friends + my family was here. After the game it was an obvious that they would play poker, which only on some nights is bad news. They played ONE, yes just ONE game of poker and by then my dad was drunk off his ass. I knew that he would be, for god sakes it's a football game and poker, you'd have to be stupid to not think that one up. After everyone left, I was here on the computer and I heard Sonja [ [ my stepmom ] ] tell us my dad went to bed because he was "tired" and that she was in charge. My sister goes to bed, no problem, my brothers lay here in bed and watch the end of Mighty Joe Young with me. In the house there isn't enough bedrooms so my brothers beds are downstairs and the living room plus their room connect with an open area to make one big room but with an opening seperating them, you'd have to be here to understand it better. Anyways, the TV is right beside the computer, since they switched rooms yesterday and all.
Getting back to my story, my dad comes hobbling down the steps and my brother comes in to lay down and tells me "Manda, daddy keeps running into the walls". I then start to hear my dad yelling at Sonja in his "drunk" voice that he has. She gets out the phonebook and phone and said she was calling his parents [ [ my grandparents ] ]. On the phonebook is also my house number, so I don't know if she was going to call my mom too or if it's been there. He then starts bitching about something and scares her and she goes out to her car. My dad follows her and they fought for 5 minutes and she drove off in her car, leaving me with my 3 siblings and him. After I saw her speed away, I decide to grab the phone just incase something happened. He came back in and laid on the recliner, then went to bed.
If you didn't know already, that is the reason my parents got divorced. Mostly everytime my mom and dad went out to go clubbing/dancing, they'd drink, and it'd be both of them drunk and fighting. My dad's temper was so horrible that my uncle, his parents, or my mom's parents got called, depending which one was more drunk. My mom was very rarely the one that had to be calmed down seeing my dad loved to drink and still does. The screaming, the hitting of walls, the crying, the racing to my room to calm me down because I got upset all the time, it ALL came back to me tonight. Nobody understands how much this bugs me.
What is the point in drinking until you cannot remember who you are, where you're at, or what the fuck you're even doing? For fun, for attention, to make yourself look like an ASS maybe? I don't know, but I find it stupid, all of it. What's even worse is the person laugh's off that they were drunk the night before. What is so funny about it? Most are reading this probably thinking I don't know what i'm missing out on. But you know what i'm missing out on, nothing. I understand if you're at age or it's your 21st birthday, but most my friends, well no, all of my friends aren't at age. If you drink responsibly then fine have fun with that, but right now I found all of it stupid and pointless. I really don't even care if I lose friends over this entry because tonight I got so hurt over one little thing.
But through this all, i'd have to thank Colin so much. From the beginning tonight he was there talking to me, he has the same perspective as me on drinking. I acted like a three year old and had an away message saying I wanted my mommy. Only he would say if he could drive he'd come over and dress up to look like her. I told him that my mom usually holds me and kisses my forehead if i'm crying [ [ never happens that much, but after my surgery and I started crying from the first reaction or whatever, that's what she did, while I was sitting in the seat she put her arm around me and you get it now ] ]. I told him I wouldn't make him do that and he said you wouldn't have to make me. I seriously don't know what I would have done without him tonight.
As tonight was running through my head, last night was still bothering me too. I found an old IM I had printed out between me and a friend, also some of the notes that Nikki wrote me, after I read everything, I started to cry. I miss my old friendships, I miss my old friends, I miss my old best friend. I thought growing up, i'd be happier, all I got was worse. Yes, I have made many new, good, friends but nothing will change the older friendships I had. It just won't ever be the same anymore :'(
This is long enough, i'm going to try and lay down and wait for Sonja to get home from where ever she is, if she's even coming home tonight :\