(no subject)
In which Caleb and Finn are angsty. Whee.
Caleb doesn't try to speak with anyone for a few days.
That's easy enough. He explains to Meligot that on the way back from the beach his transport had a little glitch and sent him to his rooms. She does a quick inspection but believes him. Hayes isn't visiting him. Finn isn't visiting him. Alden isn't visiting him.
Caleb has time to sit down and program things properly, and though he doesn't dare talk with Bao again, the programming should work. When T.H.E.Y. transports him, Bao will be a free man.
He admits to himself that he doesn't want to see Uncle Bao again because he doesn't want to know what Sabina's death has done to him. And he doesn't want to see anyone else because he doesn't want to know who did it.
But on the fourth day Caleb makes himself venture out to Finn and Alden's quarters. It's been about a week. Magic lessons should start again.
Alden answers the door, and right away Caleb knows something's wrong.
"No lessons this week, huh?" he asks.
"No." Alden gives him a long, considering look. "Have you been talking to no one, or has Meligot been more discreet than even I will give her credit for?"
"What're you talking about?" Caleb asks, rather mystified.
"Finn," Alden says, very quietly. "He's in a bad way. He's the one that shot Sabina, you see, and-"
Caleb doesn't hear anymore than that.
He's pushed his way past Alden-nearly knocked his way past Alden-and is striding through the flat, shaking with anger.
Finn is sprawled out on the couch, and yes, he is in a bad way, though he seems at the moment mostly asleep. There are circles under his eyes, though, and his face is drawn and unhappy even in rest.
Caleb doesn't really care.
"Wake up," he says fiercely.
"Caleb--" he hears Alden say, but that's immaterial.
"Wake up," he hisses.
Finn moans and twists, blinking his eyes open.
"What the fuck did you do?" Caleb snarls.
Finn stares at him, eyes a bit too wide. "What--"
"Sabina!" Caleb cries. "Why?"
Alden grabs his shoulder tightly. He shrugs it off.
Finn starts to tremble visibly. "Wasn't going to," he whispers. "She tried to hurt Kai--"
Caleb tries very, very hard to find the calm center to himself he knows is there.
"So you shot her," he says hollowly.
"She was going to fry his mind," Finn says hoarsely. "I can't knock people out from a distance."
Caleb feels himself trembling. He knows it. He's shaking with shock.
"Why did it have to be you?" he wails.
Finn flinches away from him, curling in on himself.
Something explodes off to their right.
It comes to Caleb, dimly, that Alden's hand is clenched tight on his shoulder again.
"Caleb," Alden says, very quietly, very dangerously. "You want to take that back now."
"Like hell I do," Caleb snaps, trying to twist away. "I don't want it t' have been Finn."
Finn uncurls and bolts past them.
Alden whirls Caleb around and shakes him once, very hard.
"Go apologise," he whispers. "And you'd better fucking well mean it, or-"
"Or what, you'll shoot me?" Caleb demands, and jerks backwards out of Alden's grip. "Lemee go. I quit."
"Quit what?" Alden asks, very softly. "T.H.E.Y."
Caleb swallows hard. "I dunno."
More than anything in the world, he desperately needs Alden to turn around and tell him that perhaps, maybe, it will be okay.
But Alden only shrugs, so Caleb flees, feeling horrid.
He can't go back to his room, so he paces the corridors in agitation, until he's quite thoroughly lost. He finds himself in a little stone room and stops, entirely disoriented.
There's a large cross on the wall, which he only recognises from seeing in miniature on a chain around Finn's neck.
Caleb blinks, and walks in slowly. What is this place?
There are rows of benches, and some sort of podium at the front. And an altar.
Caleb bits his lip. Weird.
There's something huddled up against the far side of the altar.
Caleb feels it's probably the right thing to do to go over and see what-- who, really-- it is. Even. Even though it's been really horrid, doing the right thing.
He goes over.
Really horrid.
It's Finn.
He could leave now. Finn is a huddled, trembling mess, and he hasn't noticed Caleb; his face is streaked with tears.
Caleb sort of hates himself.
He crouches down next to Finn. "Hey," he whispers.
Finn gives him a startled, skittish look. "Caleb?" His voice is shuddery, choked with held-back tears.
"Yeah," Caleb whispers, and swallows hard. "What-- what is this place?"
"'S the chapel," Finn mumbles. "Where I pray. 'Cept it's not working."
"How's it su'posed to work?"
"It's supposed to be comforting," Finn whispers, hiding his face in his knees. "It always used to be."
"But. Why?"
"Because it's... it's my God. Or. He lives here, in a way. But it doesn't feel like it anymore."
"Oh." Caleb's heard of that sort of thing. "Well. I."
He takes a deep breath. "Look. It's. It's not you, it's. I dunno what the hell I'm doin' these days."
There's something small and gold lying on the floor next to Finn, who doesn't answer him.
Caleb frowns slightly and reaches over, picking it up.
It's the small gold replica of the cross on the wall, that Finn usually wears around his neck. The chain's broken.
"If it might work, I wouldn't be throwin' it away," Caleb whispers.
"It used to work."
"An' now nothin' works," Caleb whispers. "That's it, yeah? An'. Ain't no way t' treat you, not after what you done for me."
"Messed up," Finn mumbles. "Told Alden I wouldn't kill her. And. And I didn't want to kill her, when it came to it. But she wasn't sane anymore, 'cos she didn't have anything left to lose, and she hurt Elisabeth and she'd already hurt Kai so much and he was so scared--"
"So you did what was right."
"I think so."
"For th' greater good, at least," Caleb murmurs, and runs his fingers up and down the little gold cross. "Look. I. I'm only upset cuz she. She didn't do so wrong by me, an'. An' I hate t' think of people bein' dead."
"Keep seeing it," Finn mumbles. "When I try to sleep."
Caleb squeezes his eyes shut.
"Still have nightmares too," he whispers. "I. I shot a man once."
"For the greater good?" Finn mumbles bitterly.
"During th' arrestings," Caleb says quietly. "The man was attacking Hayes."
His smile is very bitter.
Finn brushes some of the tears out of his eyes. "Didn't have time to think?" he whispers.
"None."
"'S like that," Finn mumbles. "Killed people in self-defense before. But-- but not like her. Not face to face. Not someone who'd tried to destroy me and mine so thoroughly. And I still didn't want to be the one that killed her."
"Yeah." Caleb very carefully scoots over a little to lean against Finn. "Look. I. I really am sorry."
"'Snot your fault." Finn sniffles, and it's a little strange to notice how young he seems just now.
Caleb remembers suddenly that Finn spent a few days thinking he was sixteen.
"Stop it," he whispers. "We can't neither of us afford bein' kids."
Finn shuts his eyes tightly. "I know."
"It's just I'm scared," Caleb continues very quietly. "That. That I don't know what doin' right is no more. Nothing."
"Know that still," Finn whispers. "Just don't know that I'm the person to be doing it right now. Don't know that I trust myself that far."
"I don't never trust myself at all," Caleb murmurs. "Damned that any of you do."
"I think it's that way with most of us."
Caleb laughs bitterly. "But with more reason 'bout me."
"No," Finn says softly. "Ain't no more reason for you than the rest. 'S just how things are."
Caleb goes very still.
"Why are you talking like I usually do?" he asks curiously.
Finn blinks. "Am I?"
"Yeah. Ain't. Cutting off words." Caleb considers. "And I'm not. What's up with that?"
"I dunno. 'M tired." Finn leans back, shutting his eyes.
Caleb grins faintly. "So I hold up for you while you be tired for me."
"Guess so." Finn shrugs, and gives him a faint smile.
"You... ain't mad at me, then?"
"What'm I going to be mad at you for?"
"Yellin'. Bein' stupid."
"S'okay. I'm angry at me too."
"Yeah, an' that means you don't need no one else t' do it for you."
Finn laughs.
"Stop it," Caleb mutters. "I mean that."
"Nah," Finn whispers. "'S how I know I should be mad."
"Mad angry or mad crazy?"
"I dunno."
"Either one," Caleb says firmly, getting to his feet, "stayin' here in a cold room won't do you no good."
Finn blinks up at him.
"Come on," Caleb says, holding out his hands. "Up. I ain't your mum."
Finn giggles a bit wildly and takes his hands, pulling himself to his feet. The gold cross is still on the floor.
"Go on out," Caleb says, nudging him towards the door.
Finn makes his mostly steady way out, stopping in the doorway to turn and look at Caleb. He gives him a surprisingly serious nod, then disappears outside.
Caleb stoops to pick up the little gold cross, then follows.
He has to open the door for Finn, and now that the light's a little better-- not huddled in the shadow of an unfamiliar altar, or blinded by anger-- he can see that Finn looks even worse than he first thought.
He follows Finn inside, because at the very least he should apologise to Alden.
Alden, however, ignores him entirely and goes straight to Finn, wrapping his arms tight around the younger man.
This time Caleb doesn't look away.
Finn hardly has the strength to hold Alden against him, and next to Alden, Caleb can see how pale he is.
"Alden," Caleb whispers.
Alden doesn't let go, but he does look at Caleb, very coldly.
"Finn left this." He holds out the little gold cross.
Some of the anger leaves Alden's face, though he only nods as he takes it. "I'll take care of it," he says quietly.
Caleb swallows and nods and backs out of the room.
Best leave them on their own for a bit.
And dammit, he needs to think more.
Caleb doesn't try to speak with anyone for a few days.
That's easy enough. He explains to Meligot that on the way back from the beach his transport had a little glitch and sent him to his rooms. She does a quick inspection but believes him. Hayes isn't visiting him. Finn isn't visiting him. Alden isn't visiting him.
Caleb has time to sit down and program things properly, and though he doesn't dare talk with Bao again, the programming should work. When T.H.E.Y. transports him, Bao will be a free man.
He admits to himself that he doesn't want to see Uncle Bao again because he doesn't want to know what Sabina's death has done to him. And he doesn't want to see anyone else because he doesn't want to know who did it.
But on the fourth day Caleb makes himself venture out to Finn and Alden's quarters. It's been about a week. Magic lessons should start again.
Alden answers the door, and right away Caleb knows something's wrong.
"No lessons this week, huh?" he asks.
"No." Alden gives him a long, considering look. "Have you been talking to no one, or has Meligot been more discreet than even I will give her credit for?"
"What're you talking about?" Caleb asks, rather mystified.
"Finn," Alden says, very quietly. "He's in a bad way. He's the one that shot Sabina, you see, and-"
Caleb doesn't hear anymore than that.
He's pushed his way past Alden-nearly knocked his way past Alden-and is striding through the flat, shaking with anger.
Finn is sprawled out on the couch, and yes, he is in a bad way, though he seems at the moment mostly asleep. There are circles under his eyes, though, and his face is drawn and unhappy even in rest.
Caleb doesn't really care.
"Wake up," he says fiercely.
"Caleb--" he hears Alden say, but that's immaterial.
"Wake up," he hisses.
Finn moans and twists, blinking his eyes open.
"What the fuck did you do?" Caleb snarls.
Finn stares at him, eyes a bit too wide. "What--"
"Sabina!" Caleb cries. "Why?"
Alden grabs his shoulder tightly. He shrugs it off.
Finn starts to tremble visibly. "Wasn't going to," he whispers. "She tried to hurt Kai--"
Caleb tries very, very hard to find the calm center to himself he knows is there.
"So you shot her," he says hollowly.
"She was going to fry his mind," Finn says hoarsely. "I can't knock people out from a distance."
Caleb feels himself trembling. He knows it. He's shaking with shock.
"Why did it have to be you?" he wails.
Finn flinches away from him, curling in on himself.
Something explodes off to their right.
It comes to Caleb, dimly, that Alden's hand is clenched tight on his shoulder again.
"Caleb," Alden says, very quietly, very dangerously. "You want to take that back now."
"Like hell I do," Caleb snaps, trying to twist away. "I don't want it t' have been Finn."
Finn uncurls and bolts past them.
Alden whirls Caleb around and shakes him once, very hard.
"Go apologise," he whispers. "And you'd better fucking well mean it, or-"
"Or what, you'll shoot me?" Caleb demands, and jerks backwards out of Alden's grip. "Lemee go. I quit."
"Quit what?" Alden asks, very softly. "T.H.E.Y."
Caleb swallows hard. "I dunno."
More than anything in the world, he desperately needs Alden to turn around and tell him that perhaps, maybe, it will be okay.
But Alden only shrugs, so Caleb flees, feeling horrid.
He can't go back to his room, so he paces the corridors in agitation, until he's quite thoroughly lost. He finds himself in a little stone room and stops, entirely disoriented.
There's a large cross on the wall, which he only recognises from seeing in miniature on a chain around Finn's neck.
Caleb blinks, and walks in slowly. What is this place?
There are rows of benches, and some sort of podium at the front. And an altar.
Caleb bits his lip. Weird.
There's something huddled up against the far side of the altar.
Caleb feels it's probably the right thing to do to go over and see what-- who, really-- it is. Even. Even though it's been really horrid, doing the right thing.
He goes over.
Really horrid.
It's Finn.
He could leave now. Finn is a huddled, trembling mess, and he hasn't noticed Caleb; his face is streaked with tears.
Caleb sort of hates himself.
He crouches down next to Finn. "Hey," he whispers.
Finn gives him a startled, skittish look. "Caleb?" His voice is shuddery, choked with held-back tears.
"Yeah," Caleb whispers, and swallows hard. "What-- what is this place?"
"'S the chapel," Finn mumbles. "Where I pray. 'Cept it's not working."
"How's it su'posed to work?"
"It's supposed to be comforting," Finn whispers, hiding his face in his knees. "It always used to be."
"But. Why?"
"Because it's... it's my God. Or. He lives here, in a way. But it doesn't feel like it anymore."
"Oh." Caleb's heard of that sort of thing. "Well. I."
He takes a deep breath. "Look. It's. It's not you, it's. I dunno what the hell I'm doin' these days."
There's something small and gold lying on the floor next to Finn, who doesn't answer him.
Caleb frowns slightly and reaches over, picking it up.
It's the small gold replica of the cross on the wall, that Finn usually wears around his neck. The chain's broken.
"If it might work, I wouldn't be throwin' it away," Caleb whispers.
"It used to work."
"An' now nothin' works," Caleb whispers. "That's it, yeah? An'. Ain't no way t' treat you, not after what you done for me."
"Messed up," Finn mumbles. "Told Alden I wouldn't kill her. And. And I didn't want to kill her, when it came to it. But she wasn't sane anymore, 'cos she didn't have anything left to lose, and she hurt Elisabeth and she'd already hurt Kai so much and he was so scared--"
"So you did what was right."
"I think so."
"For th' greater good, at least," Caleb murmurs, and runs his fingers up and down the little gold cross. "Look. I. I'm only upset cuz she. She didn't do so wrong by me, an'. An' I hate t' think of people bein' dead."
"Keep seeing it," Finn mumbles. "When I try to sleep."
Caleb squeezes his eyes shut.
"Still have nightmares too," he whispers. "I. I shot a man once."
"For the greater good?" Finn mumbles bitterly.
"During th' arrestings," Caleb says quietly. "The man was attacking Hayes."
His smile is very bitter.
Finn brushes some of the tears out of his eyes. "Didn't have time to think?" he whispers.
"None."
"'S like that," Finn mumbles. "Killed people in self-defense before. But-- but not like her. Not face to face. Not someone who'd tried to destroy me and mine so thoroughly. And I still didn't want to be the one that killed her."
"Yeah." Caleb very carefully scoots over a little to lean against Finn. "Look. I. I really am sorry."
"'Snot your fault." Finn sniffles, and it's a little strange to notice how young he seems just now.
Caleb remembers suddenly that Finn spent a few days thinking he was sixteen.
"Stop it," he whispers. "We can't neither of us afford bein' kids."
Finn shuts his eyes tightly. "I know."
"It's just I'm scared," Caleb continues very quietly. "That. That I don't know what doin' right is no more. Nothing."
"Know that still," Finn whispers. "Just don't know that I'm the person to be doing it right now. Don't know that I trust myself that far."
"I don't never trust myself at all," Caleb murmurs. "Damned that any of you do."
"I think it's that way with most of us."
Caleb laughs bitterly. "But with more reason 'bout me."
"No," Finn says softly. "Ain't no more reason for you than the rest. 'S just how things are."
Caleb goes very still.
"Why are you talking like I usually do?" he asks curiously.
Finn blinks. "Am I?"
"Yeah. Ain't. Cutting off words." Caleb considers. "And I'm not. What's up with that?"
"I dunno. 'M tired." Finn leans back, shutting his eyes.
Caleb grins faintly. "So I hold up for you while you be tired for me."
"Guess so." Finn shrugs, and gives him a faint smile.
"You... ain't mad at me, then?"
"What'm I going to be mad at you for?"
"Yellin'. Bein' stupid."
"S'okay. I'm angry at me too."
"Yeah, an' that means you don't need no one else t' do it for you."
Finn laughs.
"Stop it," Caleb mutters. "I mean that."
"Nah," Finn whispers. "'S how I know I should be mad."
"Mad angry or mad crazy?"
"I dunno."
"Either one," Caleb says firmly, getting to his feet, "stayin' here in a cold room won't do you no good."
Finn blinks up at him.
"Come on," Caleb says, holding out his hands. "Up. I ain't your mum."
Finn giggles a bit wildly and takes his hands, pulling himself to his feet. The gold cross is still on the floor.
"Go on out," Caleb says, nudging him towards the door.
Finn makes his mostly steady way out, stopping in the doorway to turn and look at Caleb. He gives him a surprisingly serious nod, then disappears outside.
Caleb stoops to pick up the little gold cross, then follows.
He has to open the door for Finn, and now that the light's a little better-- not huddled in the shadow of an unfamiliar altar, or blinded by anger-- he can see that Finn looks even worse than he first thought.
He follows Finn inside, because at the very least he should apologise to Alden.
Alden, however, ignores him entirely and goes straight to Finn, wrapping his arms tight around the younger man.
This time Caleb doesn't look away.
Finn hardly has the strength to hold Alden against him, and next to Alden, Caleb can see how pale he is.
"Alden," Caleb whispers.
Alden doesn't let go, but he does look at Caleb, very coldly.
"Finn left this." He holds out the little gold cross.
Some of the anger leaves Alden's face, though he only nods as he takes it. "I'll take care of it," he says quietly.
Caleb swallows and nods and backs out of the room.
Best leave them on their own for a bit.
And dammit, he needs to think more.