(no subject)
Alden is not best pleased with Nora's appearance. Finn deals with the fallout.
Alden is still shaking a bit when he reaches his own rooms. He wants nothing more than a cup of tea, and possibly total oblivion of his memory from before the age of-- sixteen? Twenty? Thirty?
He laughs mirthlessly and goes inside.
Tea, at least, it seems he'll get. He can smell it as it steeps, and Finn is standing in the kitchen, leaning tiredly against the wall.
"You're a godsend," Alden tells him with weary gratefulness. "Thanks, Finn."
Finn lets out a little yelp, starting.
"Hey," he says softly, when he recovers. "Come and sit down."
Alden nods and sinks gratefully onto the couch. "Did you make enough for two?"
"Yeah," Finn says. "It's almost ready."
He doesn't ask how Alden is feeling. It's probably pretty obvious.
Alden's brain just skips right over that part of the conversation and onto, "And you?"
Finn blinks at him for a moment, standing in the doorway with two cups of tea.
Alden rubs his forehead. "Sorry. How're you?"
"Stressed," Finn murmurs, handing him his cup. "We could have done without this right now."
Alden laughs shortly, and takes a long drink. Blessed, blessed tea. "Yes. Could've done without this ever."
"I know," Finn says softly. "I got way more defensive than I should have, but I didn't want you to have to deal with it."
"Saved me from having to." Alden takes another long sip of tea. "I didn't talk to her. I should have."
"I don't blame you. Let Val deal with her."
"And then I shall deal with Val," Alden says, and laughs mirthlessly again.
Finn sets his tea aside. "I am glad you're back," he says, in a whisper.
Alden's hands start trembling harder. He finishes his tea calmly, and sets it down, and then turns to Finn and says quietly, fervently, "I missed you."
Finn swallows hard and scoots over to him, straddling Alden's lap so he can look down into his face. "I missed you too," he murmurs. "I wanted it to be nicer than this, when you came back. I thought it would be happier."
Alden finds himself shaking rather harder, and thinks, with a sort of detached fascination, that perhaps being away from Finn is a mild sort of withdrawal.
"It's good enough," he whispers. "It makes up for it." He takes Finn's face in his hands. "God I've missed you, Finn."
Finn's eyes drift shut as he rests his forehead against Alden's, sighing softly. "Wish you didn't have to," he said quietly, "but it's so nice to hear you say that."
He gives Alden a lopsided smile. "Love you."
"Love you," Alden echoes, and resettles his hands on Finn's shoulders. "I... will have to go back on mission. But-- Adrien wasn't doing so well either. So we're off for a few days."
"All right." Finn nods. "We can make the most of a few days."
Alden finds himself smiling, a little lopsidedly. "Yeah." He kisses Finn's forehead. "And afterwards we can do some missions together. Shouldn't take that long to finish training Caleb, at least enough to shunt him off to someone to teach him the diplomacy piece."
"There are so many newbies," Finn says. "I think we should make Val teach the teenagers."
"Would serve him right," Alden says, about twice as bitterly as he meant to.
Finn's smile fades, and he leans forward and kisses Alden very softly.
Alden tilts his head a little and returns it with equal gentleness. He stops shaking, relaxes back against the couch, his fingertips going warm. Funny. He always forgets how much he misses this.
Finn pulls away with the tiniest smile on his lips, and traces a line of kisses from Alden's temple back to his mouth.
He allows Finn to lead this one too, because Alden knows very well that the moment he allows himself to really kiss Finn, it's going to become desperate.
Pathetic. It's been thirty years and he's still choked with bitterness.
And it's not even as if the girl's done anything to him.
"I love you," Finn says quietly. "Come to bed, you're tired."
"So're you," Alden mutters, and pulls away a little. "All right. Off you get, then, and I'll follow."
Slipping off his lap, Finn offers Alden his hands. "I don't think she knows much," he says quietly, "about her family history. She doesn't know you, at the very least."
"She did seem frustrated, from the little I've read," Alden agrees. "But..." He hesitates for a moment. "Finn, how much do you know? I doubt I've told you very much of it."
"You told me about why your mother died," Finn says quietly, leading him into the bedroom.
"Yes I did," Alden murmurs, sitting down on the edge of the bed and carefully untying his shoes. He's rather more exhausted than he'd realised. "I don't think I talked about what happened afterwards."
"No," Finn says, touching his cheek. "You didn't." Sinking down as well, he starts unbuttoning Alden's shirt for him.
Alden curls his hands in the sheets and lets Finn do so. "My mother's family came for the funeral," he says quietly. "Afterwards they went away, and they never tried to contact us, and my father never tried to contact them. I was never very close to the other side of the family either. So-- someone trying to talk to me now--"
"She's curious," Finn says softly. "Probably because she was never told anything." His mouth twists. "And what she did hear wasn't complimentary, if her comments are anything to go by. And I don't think she likes her father."
"Runs in the family," Alden says, and laughs shortly, then goes quiet. "Her father. He must be my first cousin. Mother's side."
He closes his eyes and thinks back, and after a moment conjures up a hazy memory of an apple orchard and climing higher and higher and shouting down come on, Kenneth, you can do better than that, pansy, pansy, and his mouth twists bitterly.
"Perhaps," he murmurs, "those uncomplementary things are with decent reason."
"Don't shock me and tell me you weren't a very nice child," Finn murmurs dryly.
"Please," Alden returns, and shrugs out of his shirt. "Don't be droll, Finn. It's too late for that sort of thing."
Finn falls silent, shedding his own clothes instead. Almost tentatively, he reaches out, brushing a bit of hair from Alden's forehead, before crawling into bed.
Alden follows him, and rolls over to press close up against Finn, because years back sometimes it was only another warm body that kept the nightmares at bay, and Finn is far more comforting than any of them were. "Can't decide whether or not Val fucked me over," he mutters.
"He didn't mean to," Finn points out, seeking out one of Alden's arms and pulling it over his side. "I guess maybe he was hoping one or the other of you two would contact each other."
"He was a fool," Alden says flatly, and sighs. "I don't mean that. He put up with me." He kisses Finn's neck briefly. "I admire anyone who can do that, you know. Most of the time I can't."
"That's what I'm here for."
"To put up with me?" Alden smiles faintly. "I sincerely hope not. That's a horrid reason. You should at least be here for the sex. More flattering, that."
"It's a bit more than putting up with you." Finn lifts Alden's hand to his mouth, kissing the pad of each finger lightly.
Alden starts to tremble again. "Glad to hear it," he mumbles. "Sometimes I wonder."
Finn turns over so fast Alden's surprised he doesn't fall off the bed. "Alden--"
"What?" Alden asks, rather mystified and more than a little worried.
"You don't have to." Finn's shoulders have tensed. "Wonder, I mean. Even if you were joking, I--"
"Finn." Alden smooths a hand over the boy's back and swallows. "I-- no, I don't think I was..."
"You don't have to wonder about that," Finn whispers, curling his arms tightly around Alden, face pressed against his neck.
"But..." Alden swallows. They've started to have this conversation far too many times, and not quite finished it. "Finn--"
"What?"
"I do wonder, though."
He can feel Finn's heart beating too fast. "Why?" Finn whispers.
"Because I'm me," Alden says quietly. "And-- Finn, I know you love me but I'm a fucking bastard and the only good thing I've ever done for you, ever, is saved your life."
There's a long silence.
"I know," Finn says finally. "I can't explain it. God knows I've tried."
"I know," Alden echoes, and curls a little closer. "Finn, I-- I can't even know if I'm not hurting you with this."
"Since we'll only know that in retrospect," Finn murmurs, "I think I'll take my chances now."
Alden doesn't pull away, but some of his vanished anger comes flooding back. "Dammit," he whispers, "Finn, it doesn't make sense and it's never made sense, and I don't even see what you get out of this."
"Alden," Finn says tiredly, "shut up. For the absolute last time, I'm not going to leave even if it would make more sense, because that's not the point. And don't ask what the point is. You missed me, didn't you? And I missed you. I want to come home to you or go with you or have you come home to me. I want to live with you and work with you and yes, the sex is fantastic, but that isn't the point either."
"So what is the point?" Alden asks, rather desperately.
Finn groans and kisses him fiercely. "The point is I love you, you idiot."
"Doesn't make sense," Alden mumbles, and tries to get a good grip on Finn's shoulders because he has to hold onto something.
"Doesn't have to. I'm not leaving, okay? You can't make me leave." Finn sounds almost plaintive.
That sends a sharp bolt of alarm through Alden. "I'm not trying to," he says, and it comes out nearly a gasp of fear at the thought of losing him.
Finn's lips brush his. "Good," he says softly.
"I'm only trying to see what you get out of this," Alden mumbles, relaxing again a little.
"Alden, the only way I'm going to get you to be able to see the answer that is to somehow get you to see the self-worth that you completely and utterly don't believe in and which nobody else looks for." Finn sighs, seemingly tired out by this little speech, and pillows his head on Alden's chest.
"One day," Alden mumbles, and presses a kiss to Finn's hair, "I hope to understand you properly."
"Dream on," Finn murmurs. "On that day you'd get bored of me."
"Never," Alden promises rather fiercely, and tugs at Finn until he moves up enough that Alden can give him a proper kiss.
"Mmmph." Whatever Finn tries to say is lost in Alden's mouth, and his arms tighten around him.
Alden relaxes further and pulls Finn closer against him. At least this he can understand.
Sometimes he wonders if that doesn't make Finn a little sad. He never can make himself ask about the little flashes in Finn's eyes sometimes.
He's never wanted sympathy. It hurts too much.
So perhaps Finn should be asking the same question of him that he's asking Finn.
Instead he pulls away for a brief moment, then kisses Finn again.
"You're tired," Finn mumbles, against his mouth.
"Don't care," Alden returns, more or less coherently, and kisses Finn more deeply. Missed you.
Finn makes a faint noise of protest, sinking back against the pillows.
Alden pulls away a little. "You are too," he murmurs regretfully.
"Yes," Finn says, and adds, more softly, "And I think it would be nice maybe if we did this after a morning of lazing about and drinking tea rather than after a rather stressful night and some unsettling conversations."
Alden laughs shortly. "We do the latter too often as is."
"I know. That's why I thought it might be nice if we didn't this time." Finn touches his face gently. "Is that all right?"
Alden nods. "I can wait," he says, and gives Finn a rather lopsided smile. "Caleb gets the day off tomorrow, then."
"He can have a two day break," Finn says magnanimously, and kisses his cheek. "Now let's sleep until noon."
Alden grins, and it's not too forced. "Sounds brilliant," he mumbles, and settles down with an arm around Finn.
It's only a few blessedly short moments before he's soundly asleep.
Alden is still shaking a bit when he reaches his own rooms. He wants nothing more than a cup of tea, and possibly total oblivion of his memory from before the age of-- sixteen? Twenty? Thirty?
He laughs mirthlessly and goes inside.
Tea, at least, it seems he'll get. He can smell it as it steeps, and Finn is standing in the kitchen, leaning tiredly against the wall.
"You're a godsend," Alden tells him with weary gratefulness. "Thanks, Finn."
Finn lets out a little yelp, starting.
"Hey," he says softly, when he recovers. "Come and sit down."
Alden nods and sinks gratefully onto the couch. "Did you make enough for two?"
"Yeah," Finn says. "It's almost ready."
He doesn't ask how Alden is feeling. It's probably pretty obvious.
Alden's brain just skips right over that part of the conversation and onto, "And you?"
Finn blinks at him for a moment, standing in the doorway with two cups of tea.
Alden rubs his forehead. "Sorry. How're you?"
"Stressed," Finn murmurs, handing him his cup. "We could have done without this right now."
Alden laughs shortly, and takes a long drink. Blessed, blessed tea. "Yes. Could've done without this ever."
"I know," Finn says softly. "I got way more defensive than I should have, but I didn't want you to have to deal with it."
"Saved me from having to." Alden takes another long sip of tea. "I didn't talk to her. I should have."
"I don't blame you. Let Val deal with her."
"And then I shall deal with Val," Alden says, and laughs mirthlessly again.
Finn sets his tea aside. "I am glad you're back," he says, in a whisper.
Alden's hands start trembling harder. He finishes his tea calmly, and sets it down, and then turns to Finn and says quietly, fervently, "I missed you."
Finn swallows hard and scoots over to him, straddling Alden's lap so he can look down into his face. "I missed you too," he murmurs. "I wanted it to be nicer than this, when you came back. I thought it would be happier."
Alden finds himself shaking rather harder, and thinks, with a sort of detached fascination, that perhaps being away from Finn is a mild sort of withdrawal.
"It's good enough," he whispers. "It makes up for it." He takes Finn's face in his hands. "God I've missed you, Finn."
Finn's eyes drift shut as he rests his forehead against Alden's, sighing softly. "Wish you didn't have to," he said quietly, "but it's so nice to hear you say that."
He gives Alden a lopsided smile. "Love you."
"Love you," Alden echoes, and resettles his hands on Finn's shoulders. "I... will have to go back on mission. But-- Adrien wasn't doing so well either. So we're off for a few days."
"All right." Finn nods. "We can make the most of a few days."
Alden finds himself smiling, a little lopsidedly. "Yeah." He kisses Finn's forehead. "And afterwards we can do some missions together. Shouldn't take that long to finish training Caleb, at least enough to shunt him off to someone to teach him the diplomacy piece."
"There are so many newbies," Finn says. "I think we should make Val teach the teenagers."
"Would serve him right," Alden says, about twice as bitterly as he meant to.
Finn's smile fades, and he leans forward and kisses Alden very softly.
Alden tilts his head a little and returns it with equal gentleness. He stops shaking, relaxes back against the couch, his fingertips going warm. Funny. He always forgets how much he misses this.
Finn pulls away with the tiniest smile on his lips, and traces a line of kisses from Alden's temple back to his mouth.
He allows Finn to lead this one too, because Alden knows very well that the moment he allows himself to really kiss Finn, it's going to become desperate.
Pathetic. It's been thirty years and he's still choked with bitterness.
And it's not even as if the girl's done anything to him.
"I love you," Finn says quietly. "Come to bed, you're tired."
"So're you," Alden mutters, and pulls away a little. "All right. Off you get, then, and I'll follow."
Slipping off his lap, Finn offers Alden his hands. "I don't think she knows much," he says quietly, "about her family history. She doesn't know you, at the very least."
"She did seem frustrated, from the little I've read," Alden agrees. "But..." He hesitates for a moment. "Finn, how much do you know? I doubt I've told you very much of it."
"You told me about why your mother died," Finn says quietly, leading him into the bedroom.
"Yes I did," Alden murmurs, sitting down on the edge of the bed and carefully untying his shoes. He's rather more exhausted than he'd realised. "I don't think I talked about what happened afterwards."
"No," Finn says, touching his cheek. "You didn't." Sinking down as well, he starts unbuttoning Alden's shirt for him.
Alden curls his hands in the sheets and lets Finn do so. "My mother's family came for the funeral," he says quietly. "Afterwards they went away, and they never tried to contact us, and my father never tried to contact them. I was never very close to the other side of the family either. So-- someone trying to talk to me now--"
"She's curious," Finn says softly. "Probably because she was never told anything." His mouth twists. "And what she did hear wasn't complimentary, if her comments are anything to go by. And I don't think she likes her father."
"Runs in the family," Alden says, and laughs shortly, then goes quiet. "Her father. He must be my first cousin. Mother's side."
He closes his eyes and thinks back, and after a moment conjures up a hazy memory of an apple orchard and climing higher and higher and shouting down come on, Kenneth, you can do better than that, pansy, pansy, and his mouth twists bitterly.
"Perhaps," he murmurs, "those uncomplementary things are with decent reason."
"Don't shock me and tell me you weren't a very nice child," Finn murmurs dryly.
"Please," Alden returns, and shrugs out of his shirt. "Don't be droll, Finn. It's too late for that sort of thing."
Finn falls silent, shedding his own clothes instead. Almost tentatively, he reaches out, brushing a bit of hair from Alden's forehead, before crawling into bed.
Alden follows him, and rolls over to press close up against Finn, because years back sometimes it was only another warm body that kept the nightmares at bay, and Finn is far more comforting than any of them were. "Can't decide whether or not Val fucked me over," he mutters.
"He didn't mean to," Finn points out, seeking out one of Alden's arms and pulling it over his side. "I guess maybe he was hoping one or the other of you two would contact each other."
"He was a fool," Alden says flatly, and sighs. "I don't mean that. He put up with me." He kisses Finn's neck briefly. "I admire anyone who can do that, you know. Most of the time I can't."
"That's what I'm here for."
"To put up with me?" Alden smiles faintly. "I sincerely hope not. That's a horrid reason. You should at least be here for the sex. More flattering, that."
"It's a bit more than putting up with you." Finn lifts Alden's hand to his mouth, kissing the pad of each finger lightly.
Alden starts to tremble again. "Glad to hear it," he mumbles. "Sometimes I wonder."
Finn turns over so fast Alden's surprised he doesn't fall off the bed. "Alden--"
"What?" Alden asks, rather mystified and more than a little worried.
"You don't have to." Finn's shoulders have tensed. "Wonder, I mean. Even if you were joking, I--"
"Finn." Alden smooths a hand over the boy's back and swallows. "I-- no, I don't think I was..."
"You don't have to wonder about that," Finn whispers, curling his arms tightly around Alden, face pressed against his neck.
"But..." Alden swallows. They've started to have this conversation far too many times, and not quite finished it. "Finn--"
"What?"
"I do wonder, though."
He can feel Finn's heart beating too fast. "Why?" Finn whispers.
"Because I'm me," Alden says quietly. "And-- Finn, I know you love me but I'm a fucking bastard and the only good thing I've ever done for you, ever, is saved your life."
There's a long silence.
"I know," Finn says finally. "I can't explain it. God knows I've tried."
"I know," Alden echoes, and curls a little closer. "Finn, I-- I can't even know if I'm not hurting you with this."
"Since we'll only know that in retrospect," Finn murmurs, "I think I'll take my chances now."
Alden doesn't pull away, but some of his vanished anger comes flooding back. "Dammit," he whispers, "Finn, it doesn't make sense and it's never made sense, and I don't even see what you get out of this."
"Alden," Finn says tiredly, "shut up. For the absolute last time, I'm not going to leave even if it would make more sense, because that's not the point. And don't ask what the point is. You missed me, didn't you? And I missed you. I want to come home to you or go with you or have you come home to me. I want to live with you and work with you and yes, the sex is fantastic, but that isn't the point either."
"So what is the point?" Alden asks, rather desperately.
Finn groans and kisses him fiercely. "The point is I love you, you idiot."
"Doesn't make sense," Alden mumbles, and tries to get a good grip on Finn's shoulders because he has to hold onto something.
"Doesn't have to. I'm not leaving, okay? You can't make me leave." Finn sounds almost plaintive.
That sends a sharp bolt of alarm through Alden. "I'm not trying to," he says, and it comes out nearly a gasp of fear at the thought of losing him.
Finn's lips brush his. "Good," he says softly.
"I'm only trying to see what you get out of this," Alden mumbles, relaxing again a little.
"Alden, the only way I'm going to get you to be able to see the answer that is to somehow get you to see the self-worth that you completely and utterly don't believe in and which nobody else looks for." Finn sighs, seemingly tired out by this little speech, and pillows his head on Alden's chest.
"One day," Alden mumbles, and presses a kiss to Finn's hair, "I hope to understand you properly."
"Dream on," Finn murmurs. "On that day you'd get bored of me."
"Never," Alden promises rather fiercely, and tugs at Finn until he moves up enough that Alden can give him a proper kiss.
"Mmmph." Whatever Finn tries to say is lost in Alden's mouth, and his arms tighten around him.
Alden relaxes further and pulls Finn closer against him. At least this he can understand.
Sometimes he wonders if that doesn't make Finn a little sad. He never can make himself ask about the little flashes in Finn's eyes sometimes.
He's never wanted sympathy. It hurts too much.
So perhaps Finn should be asking the same question of him that he's asking Finn.
Instead he pulls away for a brief moment, then kisses Finn again.
"You're tired," Finn mumbles, against his mouth.
"Don't care," Alden returns, more or less coherently, and kisses Finn more deeply. Missed you.
Finn makes a faint noise of protest, sinking back against the pillows.
Alden pulls away a little. "You are too," he murmurs regretfully.
"Yes," Finn says, and adds, more softly, "And I think it would be nice maybe if we did this after a morning of lazing about and drinking tea rather than after a rather stressful night and some unsettling conversations."
Alden laughs shortly. "We do the latter too often as is."
"I know. That's why I thought it might be nice if we didn't this time." Finn touches his face gently. "Is that all right?"
Alden nods. "I can wait," he says, and gives Finn a rather lopsided smile. "Caleb gets the day off tomorrow, then."
"He can have a two day break," Finn says magnanimously, and kisses his cheek. "Now let's sleep until noon."
Alden grins, and it's not too forced. "Sounds brilliant," he mumbles, and settles down with an arm around Finn.
It's only a few blessedly short moments before he's soundly asleep.