(no subject)
Caleb goes breaky; Finn and Alden are not as helpful as they could be.
Alden knocks on the doorframe of Caleb's room. Caleb looks up quickly from the note he's drafting to the Chinese ambassador's son, and shoves it in his pocket. "Yeah?"
"Can I talk to you?"
Caleb blinks. Alden doesn't usually ask permission for these things. "Yeah. Sure. Come in."
"Thank you." Alden comes over and sits on the bed. Through the open doorway, Caleb can see Finn lying sprawled on the suite's other bed, doing the crossword. "So, I see you've been talking with the new lad. Alderidge."
Caleb's chest feels suddenly tight. "Yeah."
"You threatened him," Alden says quietly.
Caleb swallows. "Yeah, but--"
"No," Alden says, suddenly cold. "There is no nice little protest you can make. There is no defense. Meligot certainly knows what she's doing, and if she wants to hire the man who... borrowed Hayes' handheld, so be it. You, on the other hand, threatened the man."
Caleb stares at his hands, feeling hot tears of shame beginning to well up in his eyes. "You do it too," he whispers hoarsely. "All th' time."
"And you did it in full view of the organisation," Alden continues relentlessly. "That was stupid, Caleb."
"I'm sorry," Caleb snarls.
"No," Alden says, in a clipped voice, and stands. "You are not sorry. Do you understand? You have been threatening a man who is technically on your side, displaying a singular lack of tact, and mentioning your knives, which strikes me as being downright stupid."
"I said I'm sorry!" Caleb yells, glaring up at him. "I know I shouldn't've done it, okay? An' I ain't gonna do anything to him! So-- so just--" He stops, his breath hitching alarmingly. "Come back when you got something new to tell me," he settles for, and turns away so he doesn't have to see the look on Alden's face.
There is silence, and brief low murmuring from the next room.
When someone comes in again, it's Finn rather than Alden. Caleb knows the differences in their walks, and anyway Finn is quiet where Alden has to speak, and he just sinks down next to Caleb on the bed and waits.
Caleb wants to say go away. He wants to say it because he can-- there is a potential that Finn will actually do so, and there will be absolutely no negative consequence to saying the words. No one is going to give him a sharp slap for not knowing the answers. No one is going to hold the delicate point of a knife under his chin and tell him to pay closer attention to his lessons. He can be sulky, and act like he's not quite over being a teenager yet, and...
He doesn't want to do that. He's fucked up, and he knows that, but so help him he's going to act like an adult, and like he knows what he's doing, because that's built in, too.
Caleb looks up, dry-eyed, entirely composed. "Yes?"
Finn's looking back at him, head tilted a little to one side, and the thing about Finn is that he knows all this. Alden might know it, but he doesn't act like he does. Finn knows, and is sympathetic, and it's infuriating sometimes.
"You know," Finn says, "I don't think he's angry that you said those things, just that you lost control enough to say them where everyone can see. Which doesn't, admittedly, make it any better."
Caleb takes a shaky breath. "It doesn't," he says flatly.
"This is understandable," Finn murmurs. "And you don't need me to tell you that it was a stupid thing to do."
He sighs, and reaches out, brushing a bit of hair from Caleb's forehead. "You were angry about Hayes, and still upset that you hadn't been able to do anything."
Caleb doesn't lean forward into the touch. It's just never going to be fair.
"Finn?" he says. "Could you-- close the door?"
Rather than just gesturing, Finn gets up and shuts the door quietly. He probably gives Alden a look as he does it, or maybe he's just giving Caleb time to think, or both.
"It's not that," Caleb says quietly, once the door has clicked shut. "I mean. It is. But it ain't like that, I don't think."
"What is it, then?"
"It's..." Caleb stares at his hands. "'s just Hayes."
"What about him?"
"I-- I keep thinkin' of..." Caleb trails off. He hasn't been thinking of Hayes, not much, not with all this new information Finn and Alden have been cramming into his head for these last few months on mission. And then there was someone who wasn't Hayes, and he'd missed Hayes fiercely and been angry and then Hayes had made it not be a big deal at all, and it had stuck somewhere in Caleb's throat, and he'd thought not again...
He doesn't know how to explain any of this.
Finn touches his hair again, just a brush of fingers. "Do you miss him? You've been away for a long time."
"I thought I did," Caleb whispers.
"Explain?" Finn sinks back down on the bed.
"It's the-- th' idea," Caleb tries. "I mean. Just of-- someone. An'. An' Hayes is a great guy..."
"But?"
"But," Caleb repeats. "I-- Hayes don't know how to do it properly." He colours. "I mean-- any of it, I mean even the missin' someone bit."
"Have you told him this?" Finn asks, and then shakes his head. "No, of course you haven't. You're probably feeling guilty at even thinking it. But it is the sort of thing you have to let him know. Hayes doesn't take a lot of things as seriously as he should, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel strongly for you. Just differently than you do."
"I dunno how many times I've had that conversation with him," Caleb mumbles. "But-- he says he'll do stuff, an' he does, when I remind him, an' then I don't, an' it goes away again. An' he just thinks everything'll work out on its own, but it doesn't."
Finn sighs and gives him a sad sort of look. "What are you looking for from this, Caleb? Because if it's... if it's someone who shows things, who makes you feel needed... I don't think you're going to get that from Hayes. He's not that sort of person. He is someone you have to chase after, and remind of things he shouldn't need to be reminded of."
Caleb swallows. "I'm too tired for that. I mean-- I mean even you an' Alden don't have to--"
"I know. But we're older, Caleb. From what you've told me, Hayes has never had a real relationship before. And neither have you. Alden and I both have past experiences with failures so we at least have an idea of what to do to make this work."
The ache in Caleb's chest twists horribly.
"Ain't fair," he says quietly. "I did so much..."
"I know, Caleb," Finn says quietly. "I know."
A slow, horrible thought creeps into Caleb's mind.
He wants to love Hayes. He's always liked Hayes, pretty fiercely. He may have even said the word love, a couple of times, and Hayes might've said it back, but he doesn't remember.
And here's Finn, just sitting here, listening to him and understanding him, and Caleb thinks, helplessly, angrily, how dare he.
Finn doesn't know this, of course. Finn can't tell what he's feeling.
"I--" Caleb says, choked, and gets to his feet in something like panic.
"Caleb?" Finn rises also, looking worried.
Calm down. It's the calm, level voice in his head, the one that always needs obeying. Absolutely without inflection, infinitely patient, somehow amused.
Caleb feels his heart rate slow, and hates himself for that, too.
"It's nothing," he says.
"No, it's something," Finn says, frowning sharply. "You're just doing the thing where you push it back."
"Stop drawing me out all the time," Caleb says, and to his horror he sounds as cold and precise as Alden did, just a few minutes ago. "How's that going t' help me be a diplomat?"
"Emotions can be useful," Finn says. "I know you know that, but I don't mean using them. I mean having them."
Caleb flinches. "I have 'em, Finn."
"But you don't like us to see them. You pretend you don't have them." Finn leans against the wall. "Being a diplomat doesn't mean hiding your humanity. If they think you're not human you won't get anywhere at all, a lot of the time."
I hate you, Caleb thinks. Fuck off.
"Okay," he says. "I'll keep it in mind."
"You're already good at doublespeak, at least," Finn sighs.
Caleb looks away. "Thanks," he says, very quietly.
"Wasn't a compliment," Finn returns, and lets himself out quietly.
Caleb stares at the closed door. "That's not what I meant," he whispers hoarsely, but Finn's out of earshot.
He very carefully unfolds from his pocket his letter to the ambassador's son, and reads it over, and smiles tightly. At least he'll have the benefit of someone's company this evening, and they won't ask awkward questions or tell him things about himself he doesn't care to hear.
Alden knocks on the doorframe of Caleb's room. Caleb looks up quickly from the note he's drafting to the Chinese ambassador's son, and shoves it in his pocket. "Yeah?"
"Can I talk to you?"
Caleb blinks. Alden doesn't usually ask permission for these things. "Yeah. Sure. Come in."
"Thank you." Alden comes over and sits on the bed. Through the open doorway, Caleb can see Finn lying sprawled on the suite's other bed, doing the crossword. "So, I see you've been talking with the new lad. Alderidge."
Caleb's chest feels suddenly tight. "Yeah."
"You threatened him," Alden says quietly.
Caleb swallows. "Yeah, but--"
"No," Alden says, suddenly cold. "There is no nice little protest you can make. There is no defense. Meligot certainly knows what she's doing, and if she wants to hire the man who... borrowed Hayes' handheld, so be it. You, on the other hand, threatened the man."
Caleb stares at his hands, feeling hot tears of shame beginning to well up in his eyes. "You do it too," he whispers hoarsely. "All th' time."
"And you did it in full view of the organisation," Alden continues relentlessly. "That was stupid, Caleb."
"I'm sorry," Caleb snarls.
"No," Alden says, in a clipped voice, and stands. "You are not sorry. Do you understand? You have been threatening a man who is technically on your side, displaying a singular lack of tact, and mentioning your knives, which strikes me as being downright stupid."
"I said I'm sorry!" Caleb yells, glaring up at him. "I know I shouldn't've done it, okay? An' I ain't gonna do anything to him! So-- so just--" He stops, his breath hitching alarmingly. "Come back when you got something new to tell me," he settles for, and turns away so he doesn't have to see the look on Alden's face.
There is silence, and brief low murmuring from the next room.
When someone comes in again, it's Finn rather than Alden. Caleb knows the differences in their walks, and anyway Finn is quiet where Alden has to speak, and he just sinks down next to Caleb on the bed and waits.
Caleb wants to say go away. He wants to say it because he can-- there is a potential that Finn will actually do so, and there will be absolutely no negative consequence to saying the words. No one is going to give him a sharp slap for not knowing the answers. No one is going to hold the delicate point of a knife under his chin and tell him to pay closer attention to his lessons. He can be sulky, and act like he's not quite over being a teenager yet, and...
He doesn't want to do that. He's fucked up, and he knows that, but so help him he's going to act like an adult, and like he knows what he's doing, because that's built in, too.
Caleb looks up, dry-eyed, entirely composed. "Yes?"
Finn's looking back at him, head tilted a little to one side, and the thing about Finn is that he knows all this. Alden might know it, but he doesn't act like he does. Finn knows, and is sympathetic, and it's infuriating sometimes.
"You know," Finn says, "I don't think he's angry that you said those things, just that you lost control enough to say them where everyone can see. Which doesn't, admittedly, make it any better."
Caleb takes a shaky breath. "It doesn't," he says flatly.
"This is understandable," Finn murmurs. "And you don't need me to tell you that it was a stupid thing to do."
He sighs, and reaches out, brushing a bit of hair from Caleb's forehead. "You were angry about Hayes, and still upset that you hadn't been able to do anything."
Caleb doesn't lean forward into the touch. It's just never going to be fair.
"Finn?" he says. "Could you-- close the door?"
Rather than just gesturing, Finn gets up and shuts the door quietly. He probably gives Alden a look as he does it, or maybe he's just giving Caleb time to think, or both.
"It's not that," Caleb says quietly, once the door has clicked shut. "I mean. It is. But it ain't like that, I don't think."
"What is it, then?"
"It's..." Caleb stares at his hands. "'s just Hayes."
"What about him?"
"I-- I keep thinkin' of..." Caleb trails off. He hasn't been thinking of Hayes, not much, not with all this new information Finn and Alden have been cramming into his head for these last few months on mission. And then there was someone who wasn't Hayes, and he'd missed Hayes fiercely and been angry and then Hayes had made it not be a big deal at all, and it had stuck somewhere in Caleb's throat, and he'd thought not again...
He doesn't know how to explain any of this.
Finn touches his hair again, just a brush of fingers. "Do you miss him? You've been away for a long time."
"I thought I did," Caleb whispers.
"Explain?" Finn sinks back down on the bed.
"It's the-- th' idea," Caleb tries. "I mean. Just of-- someone. An'. An' Hayes is a great guy..."
"But?"
"But," Caleb repeats. "I-- Hayes don't know how to do it properly." He colours. "I mean-- any of it, I mean even the missin' someone bit."
"Have you told him this?" Finn asks, and then shakes his head. "No, of course you haven't. You're probably feeling guilty at even thinking it. But it is the sort of thing you have to let him know. Hayes doesn't take a lot of things as seriously as he should, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel strongly for you. Just differently than you do."
"I dunno how many times I've had that conversation with him," Caleb mumbles. "But-- he says he'll do stuff, an' he does, when I remind him, an' then I don't, an' it goes away again. An' he just thinks everything'll work out on its own, but it doesn't."
Finn sighs and gives him a sad sort of look. "What are you looking for from this, Caleb? Because if it's... if it's someone who shows things, who makes you feel needed... I don't think you're going to get that from Hayes. He's not that sort of person. He is someone you have to chase after, and remind of things he shouldn't need to be reminded of."
Caleb swallows. "I'm too tired for that. I mean-- I mean even you an' Alden don't have to--"
"I know. But we're older, Caleb. From what you've told me, Hayes has never had a real relationship before. And neither have you. Alden and I both have past experiences with failures so we at least have an idea of what to do to make this work."
The ache in Caleb's chest twists horribly.
"Ain't fair," he says quietly. "I did so much..."
"I know, Caleb," Finn says quietly. "I know."
A slow, horrible thought creeps into Caleb's mind.
He wants to love Hayes. He's always liked Hayes, pretty fiercely. He may have even said the word love, a couple of times, and Hayes might've said it back, but he doesn't remember.
And here's Finn, just sitting here, listening to him and understanding him, and Caleb thinks, helplessly, angrily, how dare he.
Finn doesn't know this, of course. Finn can't tell what he's feeling.
"I--" Caleb says, choked, and gets to his feet in something like panic.
"Caleb?" Finn rises also, looking worried.
Calm down. It's the calm, level voice in his head, the one that always needs obeying. Absolutely without inflection, infinitely patient, somehow amused.
Caleb feels his heart rate slow, and hates himself for that, too.
"It's nothing," he says.
"No, it's something," Finn says, frowning sharply. "You're just doing the thing where you push it back."
"Stop drawing me out all the time," Caleb says, and to his horror he sounds as cold and precise as Alden did, just a few minutes ago. "How's that going t' help me be a diplomat?"
"Emotions can be useful," Finn says. "I know you know that, but I don't mean using them. I mean having them."
Caleb flinches. "I have 'em, Finn."
"But you don't like us to see them. You pretend you don't have them." Finn leans against the wall. "Being a diplomat doesn't mean hiding your humanity. If they think you're not human you won't get anywhere at all, a lot of the time."
I hate you, Caleb thinks. Fuck off.
"Okay," he says. "I'll keep it in mind."
"You're already good at doublespeak, at least," Finn sighs.
Caleb looks away. "Thanks," he says, very quietly.
"Wasn't a compliment," Finn returns, and lets himself out quietly.
Caleb stares at the closed door. "That's not what I meant," he whispers hoarsely, but Finn's out of earshot.
He very carefully unfolds from his pocket his letter to the ambassador's son, and reads it over, and smiles tightly. At least he'll have the benefit of someone's company this evening, and they won't ask awkward questions or tell him things about himself he doesn't care to hear.