nobuta o produce fic: Youthful Love 2a
Youthful Love, Part 2a (Shuuji)
by Karma
Pairing: Akira/Shuuji
Dedicated to: all my RL nobuta fan friends, especiallysazabe for The Project
Spoilers for: whole series
Warnings: language, pov, angst.
(Split for lj's character max)
Part 1 here
--
WHEN AKIRA DIDN'T COME TO SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY, I FELT LIKE THE WORST KIND OF GUY.
My stomach felt twisted, and my palms were all sweaty. It was like when I was afraid for Nobuta's sake, only this time I was more afraid for my own. Was Akira all right? How do you apologize for hurting someone when you didn't want to? Any words like, "I'm sorry," sound so petty. They're said to relieve your guilt, but nothing else.
What am I sorry for? It's sort of like this: my best friend confessed to me.
Don't misunderstand me. This wasn't the first time that I've ever been confessed to. Kiritani Shuuji in his last school, before everyone found out the truth about him, was a pretty popular guy. My ex-girlfriend (if you can call her that) told me that she liked me several times. I never felt the same way, but it was touching to hear, and I wanted to believe that she was only interested in me because of my popularity. That she only wanted me to eat lunch with her because she wanted a boyfriend, the way I had wanted a girlfriend. It's what I believed-- that's the way everyone did it, right?
But I was wrong.
I realized one day, sitting on a wooden desk in an empty classroom, that not everyone was like that. That the cracked voice singing badly over the PA system was sincere. Even though he was a pretty bad singer, you could tell by the way he was singing it. Akira really was in love with Nobuta. He really felt it.
I messed up after that.
I was suddenly well aware of the fact that I was not like Akira. Not at all. I mean, I never was. That guy-- he doesn't care about how others see him, who's popular or who's not, none of it. When he was sad, he didn't try to hide it. When he was angry, he showed it. When he wanted to protect someone, he used violence to threaten others. He's not like me in the least.
So when he loved someone, he really did. And it was such a foreign concept to me. I mean, sure you see in the dramas on TV and in all the movies all this stuff about young people falling in love, and how they let go of themselves and lose all control. But I didn't actually *believe* that anyone around me really did. Not to that extent, anyway. I was sure that some people end up loving each other wholeheartedly and whatnot (I mean, I know my dad loves my mom), but I was certain that young people like me didn't. Maybe when you're all old and working at a boring job, then you do. But while you're still a carefree young high school student? No way. Why waste your time getting all emotional about people when there were so many other things to worry about? You’d probably never see them again after graduation anyway. Having fun, being liked, THAT was what Kiritani Shuuji cared about.
But because of Nobuta and Akira...
So I broke up with my girlfriend the day I heard the "Nobuta I love you confession special" in every room of the school. Because I realized that -- holy shit, if Akira really liked Nobuta, then maybe there WERE people like. That maybe, Mariko really did like me, and suddenly, I was horrified. And then, I made her cry.
The worst kind of guy is the kind who makes a girl cry.
Ironically, the day I broke up with my first high school girlfriend was the day I received my first hug from a girl. Nobuta. The awkwardly shy but cute Nobuta who I was trying to make popular. Because life was a game, so why not?
But it didn't work out that way. Nobuta and Akira, I mean. When Nobuta hugged me, I felt comforted. And at the same time, scared. Because I realized for the first time that I just as lonely as Akira and Nobuta. Maybe that's why I was hanging around them so much.
A lot of things happened after that. Nobuta and Akira and me, we became close. Some scary stuff happened, and it just made us closer. I realized one afternoon, when we were all laughing about something stupid, that I was afraid to lose them. Somehow, they had crept into my life as "important people," without me even noticing.
And then my dad told my little brother and me that we had to move. And it hurt. I said my good-byes, went to a brand-spanking new school feeling all lonely and sorry for myself, and then, FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, my mind goes into shock because AKIRA IS THERE IN THE CORNER OF MY NEW CLASSROOM and I couldn't believe my eyes. I was really, really happy. Happy and relieved, because it meant that I *didn't* have to start all over, that I could still keep a piece of the Nobuta-Shuuji-Akira gang to myself.
In a way, he made things harder for me. I was planning to recreate the Mr. Cool and Popular Kiritani Shuuji, who everyone in class would like and invite out all the time. Because, you know, Nobuta and Akira wouldn't be there, so there really was no one for me to be myself around.
But Akira messed that up.
Suddenly, with him there, I didn't want to put on the fake Shuuji anymore. What resulted were some awkward weeks where I fought constantly with myself on how much of myself I should really show, and how much I should fake so that others would like me. The result is this weird hybrid between the two-- but one that takes a lot less energy to maintain and feels more natural. I guess I should be grateful to Akira for that.
Things started running smoothly again at my new school. The new house was bigger, so I had my own room and Koji got his. I had friends in the class who invited me out if I wanted company. I had Akira when I wanted to relax, be silly, have fun and just be myself. I had everything that I really wanted -- no, that's not true. I would've been happier if Nobuta was there.
Truthfully, I was feeling guilty that Akira was with me instead of Nobuta. Because, Nobuta would be all by herself again. But having been stepped on all her life-- Nobuta was unbelievably strong. I had thought she was weak when we first met, and maybe she was, but she didn't stay that way. So Akira was with me instead of her. I felt guilty for that, and even guiltier for the fact that I was glad that Akira was here, with me, instead of her. I'm really a selfish guy.
Right. So everything in school was running along fine, when Shizuka confessed to me.
The first time, Mariko confessed to me, I was flattered. All the guys around me were SO jealous. And Mariko was cute and popular, so why not? But that ended badly with her crying, and I figured after that entire mess that it would just be easier if I didn't have a girlfriend.
When Shizuka confessed me, it was completely unlike when Mariko did. For one thing, I kind of knew about Mariko. Tani told me that he heard from someone else that she was interested in me before I heard from her myself, so I was completely prepared and had time to decide that yes, I wanted a girlfriend.
But Shizuka, I didn't see coming at all. She's this thin, long-haired girl, pretty and popular. Not as pretty as Mariko, because her face was a bit long, but not bad looking either. Size B cups, maybe.
The problem was-- I did like Shizuka, but only as a classmate. But what she was offering was something different. I didn't like that. In my mind, I categorize people. The role of "Father" and "Mother" and "Younger brother" are filled by my dad, my mom, and Koji and they're the people closest to me because they're my family. The roles of “best friends” are filled by Nobuta and Akira. Both groups were "important people." The role of "other friends" were the people in 2-B of my last school that had forgiven me. Shizuka, she didn't know me all that well, so she was like everyone else that I just met here-- in the role of "new classmates, potential friends." I figured that once I got to know the people of this class well enough, they'd all moved into the "other friends" category.
But Shizuka was offering the role of "girlfriend," or "lover."
I didn't like that. That role seems to imply that you know a person well, even better than that person's best friends or eventually even maybe better than that person's family. But Shizuka, I barely knew. Mariko, the last "girlfriend," had never really seen who I was either until maybe the end, when it was too late and I was regretting a perfect chance that I had missed.
Shizuka left before I could give her a response, which was a relief. I don't think I could have taken the pressure of giving an answer so quickly. I probably would've made her cry on the spot.
I spent lunch on the stairwell, trying to figure things out, and that was when Akira came, same carefree self, same chain dangling from the pants pocket of his new school uniform as the old one because he didn't care what people said about him-- he always just did as he pleased.
I talked to him for a bit. And his advice was simple: why not tell her the truth? Why lie to her, like you did with Mariko? Why not give her a chance? That's not what he really said so much in words, but that's what I knew he was trying to say.
And he was right. Why not give her a chance? Didn't she deserve one? I could give her a chance, the way I never gave one to Mariko, and who knows what might come out of it? So I told her the truth -- "I like you only as a friend, but you're cute and I wouldn't mind going out with you. Want to give it a shot?" Only, you know, said while I was leaning against the school wall and looking very cool.
I guess that was the start of it. I tried, for about three weeks. I ate lunch with her everyday. She wasn't as good of a cook as Mariko, but she tried hard. Anyone could see that. I went out on dates with her on Sunday -- to the park, to the shops, to the movies. Things I had always promised Mariko but never went through. We took pictures together, she told me that she loved me several times, and all the while, I felt nothing in return.
I mean, she wasn't a bad person to hang out with. Far from it. She was spunky and could be funny, if wasn't trying to do the "guy attention" grabber moves on me all the time. She did have some amusing stories. She called me everyday and talked to me for about half an hour to an hour each time, telling me her thoughts about this and that, asking me what I wanted to do next Sunday, that sort of a thing.
Okay, I'll be honest: she was starting to annoy me. But I didn't know why. I mean, Mariko never annoyed me this much. And with Nobuta and Akira, I wanted to see them all the time. And I really was trying my hardest, damn it, to like her.
I think part of it was that I couldn't relax at all around her. I always had to be the caring boyfriend. I tried to be more natural about it, but then she'd go and say things like, "Why don't you carry this for me like a real man?" and "Shuuji, you should be more nice to me! Treat me to ice cream!" Very demanding, and if someone asks something of me, I usually try to give it. And before I knew it, I was giving her 2-B's Kiritani Shuuji again, Mr. Popular and Mr. Cool, the Perfect Boyfriend, only the fake one that didn't exist.
Still, she was nice, pretty, and a decent cook. She could be funny. Was there something wrong with me? Why couldn't I bring myself to like her, the way Akira had liked Nobuta?
And when that thought came to me, I knew why it wouldn't work out. Because I was more interested in falling in love, rather than falling in love with *her*. Because I was tired of trying to be myself and be the Perfect Boyfriend at the same time, all the time. I broke it off the next day and when she threw onigiri balls at me in anger, I felt awful but secretly, very relieved. It was over. I HAD tried, and this time, I knew it from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn't regret it, the way I did with Mariko.
But then she started to cry, and it was awful. I can't take it when girls cry. It's so-- so emotional. Like you can see a clear vision of what they're feeling and you know that you're hurting them. Guys, when they're in pain, try to hide it from everyone except those that they're close to. But girls, they show the world, screaming for attention, going "Look at me, I'm in pain, comfort me!" And it works because it gets everyone's attention and I don't know what to do. Everyone's staring and I want to comfort her, but I can't because I'm the bad guy. Even though, this time, I'm trying to be honest. Would she have preferred for me to lie like I did with Mariko and find out the truth when she was completely deluded? I think that's far crueler.
Still, I made her cry and it made me feel horrible. I spent the rest of lunch alone, until Akira showed up. By then, I was in a terrible state. I kept wondering, Will I EVER fall in love? Will I always only make girls cry? Will I always be this shallow?
So when Akira showed up, I was glad to see him. We ended up making plans for dinner and that night I spent futilely trying to cook, since he had no talent for it. He seemed to get a big kick out of it too, punk.
Then we started talking, and somehow the conversation went back to Nobuta.
And suddenly, I was really, really scared. I mean, I knew that Akira knew that Nobuta had hugged me and had tried to forget it. I had wanted to tell him the truth, but I could never figure out how to bring it up. But there it was -- out in the open. He knew about the picture and trusted me enough not to hate me when he found out, but if there was even the smallest doubt...
Akira was my best friend. I didn't want to lose him. I could be myself around him, and not worry so much about what he thought about me; we were good enough friends that I could be irritated or annoyed and we'd still be friends.
But what if he thought all along that I had betrayed him? What if he didn't believe me if I told him the truth? I'm a coward at times, and I was afraid.
For nothing, apparently. He believed me. It was a relief.
To tell the truth, when I first heard Akira say that he liked Nobuta, I didn't like it. Not in the least. It meant that the two of them would become closer and closer and leave me behind. It was a selfish thought, but terrifying. I wanted to continue to spend my carefree high school days with them both, everyday. I didn't want to be excluded.
So when they did not become boyfriend and girlfriend, I was relieved. It meant that I could continue seeing them both, everyday, and not feel like I was intruding. And I wasn't. Only, at times, I wondered if Akira thought that I was. That he would have more time with Nobuta alone if I wasn't there. I always thought that once I left the school, the two of them would start dating, and then it wouldn't hurt because I wouldn't be there to see it.
I told Akira some of this-- the part about being between them. Then I told him about Shizuka. That was what I liked-- that Akira and I could talk about anything and not worry about the other thinking that what one was saying was stupid. I talked about my fears about love, stupid as they were, and he listened.
And then, he hugged me.
I know that he was just trying to do what Nobuta did. But it wasn't the same. When Nobuta hugged me, I froze in shock, and all I could think was, 'I need to say something to Nobuta.' It left me feeling lonelier than I felt before, because I *knew* that I was alone.
But Akira's hug was different. I don't know if I was really thinking about anything at all. It was warm, like being wrapped by an electric blanket. It was comforting, like when my dad used to take care of me when I was sick. It was comfortable, like being completely natural in front of family. I liked it.
Then Akira started talking again, and I snapped back into reality. I answered, and left that night thinking about how someone else can really make you feel less lonely.
--
Which brings us to what happened next: Akira confessed to me.
Okay, if I was unprepared for Shizuka, I NEVER IN A THOUSAND YEARS would have expected Akira to tell me that he was in love, and then kiss me by the side of my mouth.
At first, I thought it was some kind of a joke. If you want to fluster a friend, kiss them unexpectedly somewhere on the face. That'll get them. I would have been more prepared to have been mauled by a wild pig in urban Tokyo than to have my best friend of the same sex make a move on me. At least, the wild pig you expect is going to act unpredictably.
My heart was pounding. No one's ever made a move on me like that before, so I blamed my reaction on that. By the time I had recovered, Akira was gone and I thought, 'If this is some kind of a sick joke, I'm going to kill him.'
(Although, if we fought each other head on, he could probably take me down easily. I've seen him smash bricks, for crying out loud. He's got a build as thin as mine, but he's probably a million times stronger.)
When Akira avoided me the next morning, though, I became really confused. Was he really serious? But how could he actually do that? Hadn't he been in love with Nobuta? Why confess to a friend of the same sex?
He never did care what others thought.
Still, it made no sense. I glanced back at him during class, but his head was lowered and he didn't even look at me. Not once. Bastard.
Thus when lunch started, I stood in front of his desk, the way I had before with Nobuta after she hugged me. Only this time, no one stared. It was normal, after all. Kiritani and Kusano both transferred from the same old school. They all knew that, I told everyone so on the third day that I was here and all my classmates thought it was a great coincidence.
Coincidence. Right. I could never bring myself to say that it was deliberate-- I mean, I knew that it was, but I could never tell them that.
That got me thinking. Did Akira transfer here because he liked me? How long had he liked me? How was he sure, anyway? I wasn't Nobuta. Was he SURE he liked me? Or was this some kind of a joke?
He wasn't even looking at me. Head ducked down, light from the window making his dark hair into a light brown, and the skin of his cheek and neck golden.
I cleared my throat and then he finally looked up, looking both surprised and uncertain.
He looked...he looked scared, and I didn't like that.
Act normal. "Well? Let's go to lunch already," I said, giving him an annoyed look. And I could actually see his expression change to something of relief.
That's what I don't understand about this whole love thing. How could anyone be willing to risk themselves like that?
It must have been, I realized as we started eating in silence, it must have been because we were friends, and he trusted me.
I don't-- I don't want this trust. I don't think I'm capable of-- I don't think I'm trustworthy, I--
I asked him how he knew, and then he told me he didn't and started telling me this bizarre dream he had about the Truth Man, and the two of us talking about these random kinds of things was so normal that I didn't even realize what trouble I was in until he concluded his story by getting up and declaring, "THE TRUTH, THE TRUTH IS THAT I LOVE--"
I thought I was going to die from embarrassment. My heart was pounding so loud that I could hear it pumping away, and the blood must've rushed to my head FAST, because my cheeks felt hot and I had to do everything in my power to get him to SHUT UP or else I would feel compelled to push him off of the rooftop. I covered his mouth and told him to shut up, because while Akira didn't care what others thought about him, *I* did, and I did NOT want someone else to overhear him declare-- declare what he was saying.
Then he called me cute. I was at both insulted and embarrassed. Would nothing shut him up? This led to some banter before he was calling me a "cute guy" and practically on the verge of saying-- saying what he already said and I had to stop it all or else I was going to fall over from shock and spend the rest of my life hiding in my bed in embarrassment.
I *hate* being embarrassed. I couldn't take any more of this. I told him that I had to think about it and then suddenly he looked vulnerable again and I was compelled to tell him that it was alright, and that nothing had changed.
Who was I kidding? This guy-- this guy was serious. What am I supposed to say to that? This changed everything.
--
Or maybe it didn't.
I dreamt the next day about Nobuta and Akira, the three of us together again. When I saw Akira that morning after I woke up, it was like he had never said anything. Everything was normal between us and we didn't mention what happened yesterday. I was relieved. We talked about Nobuta and decided to go shopping for her later that day.
It was when we were fooling around in the store bathroom and both soaked from splashing each other that I noticed that the way Akira's bangs clung to his face was really cute.
Where did that thought come from? Was I some kind of a pervert? When we ended up squeezing into the photobooth together, I found myself really nervous for no real reason and spacing out. Akira didn't notice.
The first picture ended up okay. I felt really jittery. Nervous still. I tried to calm myself down by straightening my hair, and when the camera was about to go off, Akira kissed me on the cheek.
Face instantly on fire. Heart pumping so loudly that for a moment I was deaf to everything else. I was left alone staring dumbly at the photoscreen thinking, "He did it. Again."
The worse part, the absolute worst part was-- was this reaction that it left in me. I couldn't control it. I couldn't stop feeling embarrassed or strangely, inexplicably pleased. It was awful because I couldn't stop myself from reacting this way. It was a good thing that no one was here to see, or else--
And that was when I realized that Akira was threatening to send the pictures to Nobuta. The bastard! I lunged at him and find myself, horrified, truly horrified, at the thought of anyone, ANYONE, Nobuta herself included-- having to see that picture. I stole it back from Akira and was just about to tear it up when I realized that it didn't look as bad as I thought. I mean, it DID, but you couldn't see my embarrassment in it, or my reaction or my thoughts, just my shock, and then Akira stole it back and I couldn't bring myself to take it back and look at it again.
We ended up putting both pictures into the box of gifts for Nobuta, and I couldn't stop thinking that maybe, maybe Nobuta really was lonely since Akira was here with me. And why was I so glad that Akira was here? The guilt. I ended up convincing Akira to drop off our dolls to Nobuta. Because, at least, I had Akira-- Nobuta was all alone.
But did I really have Akira? The next few days were a long nightmare as I struggled with this question.
Whenever I remembered Akira saying that he loved me or him kissing me, the blood would rush to my head as if it I was actually there again. Fuck. Why was it that I had this reaction to Akira, and not to Shizuka or Mariko? If Mariko had made me feel this way, I would've dropped my act early on in the beginning. If Shizuka had made me feel this way, we would've lasted at least another two months before I grew tired of her. If Nobuta had-- was this how Nobuta made Akira feel? This thrill, this embarrassment, this strange confusion?
I find myself watching Akira in class and he winked at me. I flipped my head in the opposite direction, so quickly that I almost gave myself whiplash. Shit, this time even the back of my EARS felt hot.
The rest of that school day was terrible. I couldn't stop thinking about Akira, no matter how hard I tried. What the hell was wrong with me? I HATED this. I hated being this uncertain, this confused, this out of control. I hated it.
The thought slithered into my mind one day of going out with Akira, and no matter how hard I tried to push it out of my mind, I couldn't get the thought out of my head. Maybe, I mean, maybe it would be fun. Maybe--
No. I could NOT think this way, damn it. I decided to try this from a logical point of view. Honestly, what would this mean? Eat lunch together? We already did that. Hang out together? We already did that. So what, something physical, like ki-kiss-kissing him?
I thought then of our classmates seeing us kiss, of them seeing Akira make a move on me, of them seeing my horrified and embarrassed but pleased reaction, and then it wasn't funny to think about at all. It was awful. Like when Yamazaki had caught us pretending, but this time it would be worse because it would be true.
I suddenly felt cold. Cold and very, very scared. Terrified. What, where could this possibly go? Nowhere good. My father -- what would he think? Koji? Nobuta? The other classmates? Would they turn away from me in disgust like 2-B did when they found out that I didn't help Tani when I could have? To have people always look at me in disgust, I couldn't bear it if it happened again. Last time Nobuta and Akira were there. This time, it was just Akira, and compared to all of this, was he worth it? It wouldn't just be the classroom this time. It would be my family, everyone else that I thought was important and cared about-- was it worth it?
No. Nothing was worth losing all of that. I just-- I just couldn't do it.
But I didn't want to lose Akira.
Well, I wouldn't have to lose him, would I? I mean, he got over Nobuta. He could get over me. I wouldn't be able to feel for him as much as he did for me, anyway. I mean, look how much he had loved Nobuta. I could never feel that deeply about anyone. And how deep could it have been, anyway? Because he's definitely not interested in Nobuta anymore, or else he wouldn't do any of this, would he?
I wanted to get on top of my desk and scream in frustration. Why did I have to think about all of these things? What happened to my carefree high school days? Why was this whole love thing so complicated?
We ended up that day at Akira's place, looking at a package that Nobuta had sent, and when Akira talked about eternal friendship, I saw a way out. It was a cowardly way, but it was a way to stop all of this. Simple-- simple and cruel and I ended up doing it anyway, at the spur of the moment.
I asked if we would be friends forever, and only after he agreed, did I reject him.
I have rejected a total of two girls so far. Both ended up crying.
But this was far, far worse than anything before. Akira listened and nodded, and tried to hide it, but he was obviously hurt. It was written all over his face; the way it did when he told me that he was giving up on Nobuta-- like a soul-cutting kind of hurt, like I had scarred him permanently. I found as I stuttered my apologies that all I wanted to do was comfort him and cheer him up. Because it hurt to see him look so hurt and to know that I had done this to him.
And then Akira said the worst possible thing that he could have ever said to me, "It's okay. I mean, it's what I expected. And it's better that you told me this straight. I wouldn't want you to do anything that you didn't want to. You always give in to what other people want, and not yourself, so it's good that, uh-- That you didn't do what you didn't want to."
I wanted to die.
Something of that thought must have showed up on my face, because the next thing I knew, irony of ironies, Akira was the one patting ME on the back and trying to cheer ME up.
I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve him trying to comfort me by telling me that if I didn't want to, then I didn't have to. Because that wasn't what I was thinking about at all. Not once. I only thought about how others would see me, not about what I wanted to do, for myself.
I forced myself to stay with Akira afterwards, but it was awkward because I couldn't really think of anything to say. I wanted to leave, but I didn't want him to think that things were strained between us, and the result was an extremely uncomfortable half-hour of mindless chatter until Akira kicked me out of his apartment.
I went home, and I ate dinner with Dad and Koji. They noticed that I was quiet, but when they asked what was wrong, I couldn't find the words to say what was going on. So I said that everything was fine, and turned in early. Not having to share a room with Koji anymore meant that I could be noisy, so I pounded my pillow with my fist until it hurt.
I slept very late that night, when the room was just starting to get bright. Then the next thing I knew, Koji was shaking me and I ended up at school, staring at my best friend's empty desk until one of the teachers yelled at me to pay attention and face forward in class. And that's the story so far.
I really am the worst kind of a person.
--
Part 2b