Jenna: "I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone. "
Spring break-ness, somewhat.
Yo.
Kee!
Not sure why I feel the need to write it down but. So spring break, eh. WEIRD. bad, horrible, EEK but also...wow. Nice. Unexpected nice. Nice strong friends that i know wont fade into acquaintances. (Sometimes you just KNOW when youve made a friend that is going to stick around and its just a friendship that is almost like it was always there, its so effortless). Lovely job also.
Its a job that I actually look forward to going to. Even tho its a new job, i dunno, maybe that might change. its just a nice atmosphere, and easy. but still challenging and varied so thats cool. And its a place where I know everyone is happy to see me. Priceless. Plus i was worried about the job thing.
Plus I might get another job buuuuut. I dont know! For some reason, I am all like...this place is so fancy...I almost feel like the atmosphere is kind of...rabid, or like, competitive. And I think thats kind of a silly environment for me to work in. But i dont know and i cannot say this for certain, as i do not work there yet.
I guess what Im trying to say is that it intimidates me a bit, that place, even though I also fit in there pretty well, which is why I might work there. I dont know, dont listen to me.
I want...to work there, I want the benefits and the experience of it but its hard to want it as much when you already have a job. One job is enough, you know!
I am addicted. To telling someone about my day. and feeling like they want to know, and that i want to know about their day. i feel like thats so precious and rare. Or just when I get all rambly. I want to say that after massage school I just tended to speak a lot more because I guess I just got used to being around so many people, and in massage therapy, you have to be comfortable explaining things and just talking with people, in general. so i think that i do have the capacity and at times i tend to talk...and i feel a bit silly, cuz to me its like. a lot of the talk is unecessary. you know, things that happened during the day, ideas that i came up with, things that i realized, things that are on my mind...but i guess they are normal things. no, they ARE normal things...but for so long, they have just been internal normal things.
and were usually not something i would share so easily with someone.
like everyday.
and i just. its just really nice that someone. who cares about you is willing to listen to those unnecessary things. sometimes i hear myself, and i think, ohmygod if i were the person listening to me right now, i'd be all, UGH. and they dont and its just so.
amazing.
im amazed by them and im amazed that maybe this is a normal thing. a normal way to share and converse and be friends.
i keep noticing it and loving it and appreciating it.
how lucky am i, you know.
and i always think nice things are impermanent, im sure this is too.
and it almost doesnt matter, its so nice. i can remember it, and how fuzzy it makes me feel. happy.
the best kind of happy.
thats a real friend, right?
how lucky am i.
and and ive been so worried about housing and a job and supporting myself and when i was upset and i didnt know how to ask for help...kristy just said, 'just ask me, just say you need help and you have it'.
it just meant so much.
and when i was upset and they knew i was upset, and called me and texted me and said, 'come home. come talk if you want to'. also meant so much.
and being so worried about housing...and he said, 'do not worry about it. we can go look for apartment together if you want to. i have been there. but you always have a place here too if you need it.' and when i said i was exhausted from work and he was all like, 'now you need a massage, come here.' how great is that, a friend who instead of wanting a massage from you, offers you one. dang!
all this...aaah.
i am a silly bitch. blah.
i am le tired.
i wore a dress today. bare legs. and i could walk from work to grand central without being cold or too sore. and people out on the quad like zombies but not zombies cuz it was so nice outside that they were just outside playing. someone propped up speakers to blare out and i dont know what it was, but it sounded different and great.
and swimming languorously. and the sauna that makes you all melty and warm like youve just fallen asleep in the sun.
spring break just about. broke me. and re-made me.
maybe i can relax now.
that'd be nice.
i worry alot.
i should know about now that things work out in the end.
hey they might not work out the way you want but. worrying does not help.
and also craigslist housing section is way scary and i should stop looking at it.
and also, i like parties. or at least the last one. where i get tipsy and loud. cuz i think its pretty funny when i try to be loud. and we cook. and talk thru indiana jones.
i should not worry and stress and mope and sulk and fret.
i should not angst.
i should just continue to try and be appreciative and be gentle with myself and others.
Yo.
Kee!
Not sure why I feel the need to write it down but. So spring break, eh. WEIRD. bad, horrible, EEK but also...wow. Nice. Unexpected nice. Nice strong friends that i know wont fade into acquaintances. (Sometimes you just KNOW when youve made a friend that is going to stick around and its just a friendship that is almost like it was always there, its so effortless). Lovely job also.
Its a job that I actually look forward to going to. Even tho its a new job, i dunno, maybe that might change. its just a nice atmosphere, and easy. but still challenging and varied so thats cool. And its a place where I know everyone is happy to see me. Priceless. Plus i was worried about the job thing.
Plus I might get another job buuuuut. I dont know! For some reason, I am all like...this place is so fancy...I almost feel like the atmosphere is kind of...rabid, or like, competitive. And I think thats kind of a silly environment for me to work in. But i dont know and i cannot say this for certain, as i do not work there yet.
I guess what Im trying to say is that it intimidates me a bit, that place, even though I also fit in there pretty well, which is why I might work there. I dont know, dont listen to me.
I want...to work there, I want the benefits and the experience of it but its hard to want it as much when you already have a job. One job is enough, you know!
I am addicted. To telling someone about my day. and feeling like they want to know, and that i want to know about their day. i feel like thats so precious and rare. Or just when I get all rambly. I want to say that after massage school I just tended to speak a lot more because I guess I just got used to being around so many people, and in massage therapy, you have to be comfortable explaining things and just talking with people, in general. so i think that i do have the capacity and at times i tend to talk...and i feel a bit silly, cuz to me its like. a lot of the talk is unecessary. you know, things that happened during the day, ideas that i came up with, things that i realized, things that are on my mind...but i guess they are normal things. no, they ARE normal things...but for so long, they have just been internal normal things.
and were usually not something i would share so easily with someone.
like everyday.
and i just. its just really nice that someone. who cares about you is willing to listen to those unnecessary things. sometimes i hear myself, and i think, ohmygod if i were the person listening to me right now, i'd be all, UGH. and they dont and its just so.
amazing.
im amazed by them and im amazed that maybe this is a normal thing. a normal way to share and converse and be friends.
i keep noticing it and loving it and appreciating it.
how lucky am i, you know.
and i always think nice things are impermanent, im sure this is too.
and it almost doesnt matter, its so nice. i can remember it, and how fuzzy it makes me feel. happy.
the best kind of happy.
thats a real friend, right?
how lucky am i.
and and ive been so worried about housing and a job and supporting myself and when i was upset and i didnt know how to ask for help...kristy just said, 'just ask me, just say you need help and you have it'.
it just meant so much.
and when i was upset and they knew i was upset, and called me and texted me and said, 'come home. come talk if you want to'. also meant so much.
and being so worried about housing...and he said, 'do not worry about it. we can go look for apartment together if you want to. i have been there. but you always have a place here too if you need it.' and when i said i was exhausted from work and he was all like, 'now you need a massage, come here.' how great is that, a friend who instead of wanting a massage from you, offers you one. dang!
all this...aaah.
i am a silly bitch. blah.
i am le tired.
i wore a dress today. bare legs. and i could walk from work to grand central without being cold or too sore. and people out on the quad like zombies but not zombies cuz it was so nice outside that they were just outside playing. someone propped up speakers to blare out and i dont know what it was, but it sounded different and great.
and swimming languorously. and the sauna that makes you all melty and warm like youve just fallen asleep in the sun.
spring break just about. broke me. and re-made me.
maybe i can relax now.
that'd be nice.
i worry alot.
i should know about now that things work out in the end.
hey they might not work out the way you want but. worrying does not help.
and also craigslist housing section is way scary and i should stop looking at it.
and also, i like parties. or at least the last one. where i get tipsy and loud. cuz i think its pretty funny when i try to be loud. and we cook. and talk thru indiana jones.
i should not worry and stress and mope and sulk and fret.
i should not angst.
i should just continue to try and be appreciative and be gentle with myself and others.