Bonfire of the Vanities
I have seen that Sirius Black is making some rather serious charges against my person.
First, to the allegation that I, Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House, spied on a Mr Sirius Black during our school years; this is really without grounds. I would like to point out that Sirius Black, in all the years that I’ve known him, has been an insufferable exhibitionist. Any excuse for him to remove his clothes was good enough for him. “Oh, is that a dark cloud? I must remove my clothes.” “Ah, more transfiguration homework, this calls for a bare chest.” “Oh, so we’re having spaghetti for dinner? I must of course, strip naked and take a shower.”
Sirius Black always made it a point to leave the door open to the prefects’ bath whenever he was using it. I believe that all of the other prefects that year (myself included, unfortunately) were also subjected to sporadic nude Sirius Black sightings. I would go so far as to admit that it would be an event if you DIDN’T see Sirius Black’s naked arse prancing about the showers like West Side Story.
As for the implication that I have a preference for both the fair and the not-so-fair genders, I must point out that I do like them both very much. This is not unusual, you will find that our dear Mr Lupin also prefers both genders. The only difference between Lupin and I is that I don’t require my genders with a dinner salad and a baked potato on the side.
Second, Mr Density claims that I have fabricated evidence of his infamous fashion sense from his teenage years. I hasten to assure you that I most certainly have not. In order to substantiate my claim, let me direct you to Madam Pince in the library. Be certain to search for the Hogwarts Student Annual from 1977, which is Sirius Black’s seventh year.
You will be able to see two things. One: Sirius Black was the only student who not only had his picture taken by a professional photographer, but he also had his own lighting crew, his own make-up artist and his own hair stylist as well. The rest of the Hogwarts population were perfectly happy with our pictures taken by the school photographer in nothing but ordinary lighting in our wizards robes and hats, thank you very much. Second: If you peruse this annual, you will find Mr Black featured in many sections with a wide variety of creative clothing and embarrassing poses. You will also find that he was voted “Most Likely to Shag His Way into The Ministry,” “Whitest Teeth,” and “Tightest Trousers.”
It is also my privilege to reveal that Our Dear Friend, after leaving Hogwarts, earned a modest living while posing for the covers of such esteemed publications such as “Hot Wands,” “Hunks Hung like a Centaur,” and “Men With Magical Tools.” Just to give you an idea of the type of articles that these magazines gave to your average wizard who loves all those who stand erect, here are a few highlights for your consideration.
“Dark Lord or Not: How will a Hostile Takeover of the Ministry Affect the FDA Approval of Virility Potions. Is the Dark Lord our hope?”
“How to Pull Even If You Are at a Funeral: A Modern Day Casanova Reveals His Secrets”
“Gold Chain Necklaces: Not Just for the Tanned Brunet”
“Secrets About Men That Their Boyfriends Don’t Want You to Know”
To read more of these fascinating articles, I would direct your attention to the Hogsmeade Public Library. The librarian there will be more than happy to assist you in finding the appropriate issues. Please remember to request the years 1978 and 1979. If you are extremely lucky and nice, she will also provide a copy of the 1979 July issue of “Gunning for Lust,” where our loose-hipped DADA instructor appears on the centerfold in nothing but a wink and a necktie.
There, I believe I’ve addressed everything. Just consider this a friendly public announcement.
First, to the allegation that I, Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House, spied on a Mr Sirius Black during our school years; this is really without grounds. I would like to point out that Sirius Black, in all the years that I’ve known him, has been an insufferable exhibitionist. Any excuse for him to remove his clothes was good enough for him. “Oh, is that a dark cloud? I must remove my clothes.” “Ah, more transfiguration homework, this calls for a bare chest.” “Oh, so we’re having spaghetti for dinner? I must of course, strip naked and take a shower.”
Sirius Black always made it a point to leave the door open to the prefects’ bath whenever he was using it. I believe that all of the other prefects that year (myself included, unfortunately) were also subjected to sporadic nude Sirius Black sightings. I would go so far as to admit that it would be an event if you DIDN’T see Sirius Black’s naked arse prancing about the showers like West Side Story.
As for the implication that I have a preference for both the fair and the not-so-fair genders, I must point out that I do like them both very much. This is not unusual, you will find that our dear Mr Lupin also prefers both genders. The only difference between Lupin and I is that I don’t require my genders with a dinner salad and a baked potato on the side.
Second, Mr Density claims that I have fabricated evidence of his infamous fashion sense from his teenage years. I hasten to assure you that I most certainly have not. In order to substantiate my claim, let me direct you to Madam Pince in the library. Be certain to search for the Hogwarts Student Annual from 1977, which is Sirius Black’s seventh year.
You will be able to see two things. One: Sirius Black was the only student who not only had his picture taken by a professional photographer, but he also had his own lighting crew, his own make-up artist and his own hair stylist as well. The rest of the Hogwarts population were perfectly happy with our pictures taken by the school photographer in nothing but ordinary lighting in our wizards robes and hats, thank you very much. Second: If you peruse this annual, you will find Mr Black featured in many sections with a wide variety of creative clothing and embarrassing poses. You will also find that he was voted “Most Likely to Shag His Way into The Ministry,” “Whitest Teeth,” and “Tightest Trousers.”
It is also my privilege to reveal that Our Dear Friend, after leaving Hogwarts, earned a modest living while posing for the covers of such esteemed publications such as “Hot Wands,” “Hunks Hung like a Centaur,” and “Men With Magical Tools.” Just to give you an idea of the type of articles that these magazines gave to your average wizard who loves all those who stand erect, here are a few highlights for your consideration.
“Dark Lord or Not: How will a Hostile Takeover of the Ministry Affect the FDA Approval of Virility Potions. Is the Dark Lord our hope?”
“How to Pull Even If You Are at a Funeral: A Modern Day Casanova Reveals His Secrets”
“Gold Chain Necklaces: Not Just for the Tanned Brunet”
“Secrets About Men That Their Boyfriends Don’t Want You to Know”
To read more of these fascinating articles, I would direct your attention to the Hogsmeade Public Library. The librarian there will be more than happy to assist you in finding the appropriate issues. Please remember to request the years 1978 and 1979. If you are extremely lucky and nice, she will also provide a copy of the 1979 July issue of “Gunning for Lust,” where our loose-hipped DADA instructor appears on the centerfold in nothing but a wink and a necktie.
There, I believe I’ve addressed everything. Just consider this a friendly public announcement.