Necessary Emo-ness.

[noise_til_3am]

I just want to make something clear to you guys. I made this journal friends only because everything I have goes into my stories. They may not be the best, but they are mine and they come from my heart. When I write about Joel and Benji, or whatever character it might be - it is never Joel and Benji that I am writing about. It is me. It's my ex boyfriend. It's my parents. It's my friends. It's people I've known in my life and I just put Benji and Joel's names on them so they fit into this fandom. It helps me make the characters are real as I can, it helps me make these stories as good as I can. I've been writing twincest for almost two years now, and I feel like this story is the first time I have ever written anything that mattered. This story is like the story I've been waiting forever to write. Everything that I've ever written could be a part of this story. I quit writing twincest for a while cause I wasn't ready to write this, and now I'm back and I'm writing it. I mean I'm writing chapters every day. This is insane to me. I know this is just a stupid twincest story, but it is so much more than that to me. The past few days I've been writing this I have been thinking of nothing else but this story. I wake up and write and then I go to sleep and then I wake up and write and just repeat it over and over again. I wasn't sure that people would like it, but I'm glad that they do. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. This is the most emotional I've ever gotten in a story and that means something. I'm never going to be a famous writer, but this I can do. And that makes me feel so fucking awesome, I can't even describe it. I suck at everything. And I'm not just saying that man. I'm serious. I suck at school and I suck at life - but this is different. It wouldn't matter to me if people told me this story was shit, because I feel this story like I have felt anything else as long as I have been writing. This shit is like a part of me. It's like everything I have went through in the past three years is just coming out through Joel and it fucking gets me. I can't even read this shit after I'm done with it, I go through and get typos fixed and that is it. I just write more, I don't read it. Because I seriously can't. I decided to make this story friends only because I want to know who reads this. I don't think that is too much to ask. I seriously kill myself over this story and I just want to know if anyone cares. I don't care if people comment, I just want to know who reads it. I just want to know who hears what I'm saying, I just want to know if anybody feels about it the way I do. And considering I do nothing anymore but write this story, I think that is an ok request. I'm never going to be one of those people that brags about their shit and tries to get the longest list of people on their friends list. That isn't me and that wasn't what I was trying to do. I know what I am and I know what I'm not - I'm not the greatest, I'm just me. And I'm telling a story that is inspired by real shit and I feel that I deserve to know who reads it, that is all. People have accused me before of being in some stupid fucking twincest clique and I don't think they know how badly that hurts me. They don't know me and neither do you. I'm not some snobby bitch that is just in it for the bragging rights. I'm in it because I love it and because if I wasn't in this I'd have all this shit building up in my mind until my head exploded. This story is really personal to me. I've never written a story that was friends only before, because I've never written anything this personal. I know there will be people who don't add this journal because they think it's a hassle, because they think I'm a bitch for making it friends only - and I think that right there proves that I am not in this because I want a long friends list. Some people won't read this just because it's locked, I know that. I don't care if 300 or 2 people read this story. I just want to feel like I know the people that are picking my brain. I want to feel like they know me. And that is why I made this story friends only. Not because I'm full of myself, or am getting to be that way. I did it because I'm afraid to post this without at least knowing a little bit of who is reading it. And if anybody is offended by that, or thinks otherwise, I'm sorry.

I wrote that a last night and I was really feeling like shit about myself, my story, and making my journal friends only. Last night I was seriously hardcore emo about it and to me it just made it even more clear for myself that I'm really emotionally into this story for one reason or another. This story isn't the best and neither am I, but it's my story. I don't write this story so I can pat myself on the back and oogle over the number of people on my friends list. I'm not that type of person. If you read this story you are reading my own thoughts and feelings, every word of this has went through my head, some of this I've saw in close friends and other parts I have experienced for myself. I don't think that I'm better than anyone and I don't think my story is better than any of the other stories out there. But it's mine. And I write it for me. And if you want to read it, I want to know who you are.

The people on the this journal's friends list, the one's that I have talked with through comments, I feel like I know at little bit about you guys even if we've only said a few words. And that is how I like it to be. I want to know who is reading this, cause like I said, my story. I write it for me. I put everything I have into this story. And if I want to know who reads it, I'm going to know who reads it.

Once again I'm sorry if I offend anyone who doesn't feel like they should have to add this journal to read "Breathing". I'm not some egotistical bitch - I'm just a crazy nineteen year old that connects herself with every word she writes, whether it be shit or fantastic. It hurts when people judge me, but I can't change the fact that I feel freaking majorly exposed when this is posted publicly. If I have to lose some readers and make some people hate me, I'll do it. Because I can't post this story publicly.

Last night I went back and made chapters five and six public. I'm going to change it right now and make them friends only again. Please no body take this the wrong way. This has nothing to do with with a larger friends list, and everything to do with me. I heart you guys madly and I don't want any of you to think any less of me for doing this.

Thanks.