Dark
This weekend was horrible. It has been years since I wanted to end my life as badly as I did Saturday night. I planned who I would send letters to and what they would say. It was horrible and I cried for hours, but it is something I cannot speak to hubby about.
I will not end it all, I love my children too much and I know what doing that would do to them. Even though kids are resilient. I am a hateful, mean bitch and they deserve better, that was my thinking. They deserve better than to have to deal with me. I would because they would be better off without me and would have a better chance of growing up normal without me constantly tearing them down. But does that make sense? That is what I fought with. Me leaving them would not really make them feel that they were the most important thing in my life, more important to me than life itself, although that would be my intention.
But I cannot seem to give them the love and attention that they so desperately need. They fight all the time, are miserable and never listen. They get that from us. Hubby says that the mom sets the tone for the home, and I am always miserable. So why shouldn't I?
My eldest daughter's father committed suicide. What would it do to her if I did too? She already has a hard enough time coping with that knowledge. If I did, I think her sense of self-worth, whatever she has, would die too. She may even follow our path. And my others? They need so much. They need me. Why can't I just be happy being a mom? Why does it feel like they are sucking my life out of me? Like they are just a trouble to me? How horrid. I love them to death, I would die if they were gone and I couldn't live without them, yet I can't seem to be happy living with them.
I have been reading fading obsessions site as well. I am trying to get back into the mindset. Stupid huh? But I can think of no other way than to go all the way. I am so totally an all or nothing person. starve or gorge. I've been gorging and now weigh a sickening 142lbs! After going all the way down to 119? And this all in one year! 23lbs I've gained. one year. disgusting. Hubby says I look fine and that I shouldn't worry. My CLOTHES don't FIT anymore!!! How can I not worry???? I bulge in all the wrong places, it looks terrible. Sometimes I look at other over-weight women and think 'if I could be properly proportioned like her, it wouldn't be so bad. She doesn't look disgusting, and her boyfriend/husband loves her...' There are some good looking over weight women out there who's weight does not detract. I am not one of those women. One thing that I think looks terrible, is a thin-ish woman who wears clothes that are too tight and makes her bulge at the waist. Or who has cottage cheese thighs. Even though they may weigh 100lbs less than some, I think it looks just as bad as a fat woman wearing spandex. That is something I want to stay away from. (Spandex too...) To be thin and look GOOD thin. That is the goal.
So I need to think thin. Think nothing. I remember that the feeling of being 'empty' was so wonderful. It was better than the feeling of being 'full' or 'satiated.' The feeling that nothing was in your stomach or intestines. Free. Perhaps I ought to go on a fruit/veggie fast. Just one piece of fruit, a cup of veggies a day and tons of fluid. Juice, tea or water. I don't know how to do that around my family though, it's easy to hide eating food, but it's much harder to hide NOT eating food. Maybe if I justify it as a cleanse. Hubby know those are good.
I walked/jogged for an hour today, I usually only go for half. I'm too tired to do much more. I like to go for a full number of miles, like two, but I got to 3.7 and quit at 1 hour. I still have my weights to do.
I ate a nectarine today, maybe I should have half a chicken breast and steamed veggies for supper. I have been pigging out for so long that I just can't stop everything without painful side effects. I am going to try to wean myself down. that means self-control. That thing I have been lacking for so long.
Did I say before in my other journal that this summer when I went to Canada that one of my friends told me that I looked so much healthier? That's after gaining 20lbs. I love her, but felt kinda bad. I need to lose that weight, but many people say I look better with some meat on my face. (she's not the only one who said anything, just the most recent) So what do I do? My mom said I looked so much older when I was 120. I don't want to look old and haggard, I want to look good. I guess the trick will be trying to find that happy medium. The one where I look good and feel happy with myself. I probably would if I was totally fit and cut, but I really don't have the discipline for that. Well I really don't for not eating either. So we'll see.
Don't feel like offing myself today. I was depressed all day yesterday because of those thoughts on sat, perhaps I need to go back on meds. I like topomax because it makes you lose weight as well and decreases your appetite.
I will not end it all, I love my children too much and I know what doing that would do to them. Even though kids are resilient. I am a hateful, mean bitch and they deserve better, that was my thinking. They deserve better than to have to deal with me. I would because they would be better off without me and would have a better chance of growing up normal without me constantly tearing them down. But does that make sense? That is what I fought with. Me leaving them would not really make them feel that they were the most important thing in my life, more important to me than life itself, although that would be my intention.
But I cannot seem to give them the love and attention that they so desperately need. They fight all the time, are miserable and never listen. They get that from us. Hubby says that the mom sets the tone for the home, and I am always miserable. So why shouldn't I?
My eldest daughter's father committed suicide. What would it do to her if I did too? She already has a hard enough time coping with that knowledge. If I did, I think her sense of self-worth, whatever she has, would die too. She may even follow our path. And my others? They need so much. They need me. Why can't I just be happy being a mom? Why does it feel like they are sucking my life out of me? Like they are just a trouble to me? How horrid. I love them to death, I would die if they were gone and I couldn't live without them, yet I can't seem to be happy living with them.
I have been reading fading obsessions site as well. I am trying to get back into the mindset. Stupid huh? But I can think of no other way than to go all the way. I am so totally an all or nothing person. starve or gorge. I've been gorging and now weigh a sickening 142lbs! After going all the way down to 119? And this all in one year! 23lbs I've gained. one year. disgusting. Hubby says I look fine and that I shouldn't worry. My CLOTHES don't FIT anymore!!! How can I not worry???? I bulge in all the wrong places, it looks terrible. Sometimes I look at other over-weight women and think 'if I could be properly proportioned like her, it wouldn't be so bad. She doesn't look disgusting, and her boyfriend/husband loves her...' There are some good looking over weight women out there who's weight does not detract. I am not one of those women. One thing that I think looks terrible, is a thin-ish woman who wears clothes that are too tight and makes her bulge at the waist. Or who has cottage cheese thighs. Even though they may weigh 100lbs less than some, I think it looks just as bad as a fat woman wearing spandex. That is something I want to stay away from. (Spandex too...) To be thin and look GOOD thin. That is the goal.
So I need to think thin. Think nothing. I remember that the feeling of being 'empty' was so wonderful. It was better than the feeling of being 'full' or 'satiated.' The feeling that nothing was in your stomach or intestines. Free. Perhaps I ought to go on a fruit/veggie fast. Just one piece of fruit, a cup of veggies a day and tons of fluid. Juice, tea or water. I don't know how to do that around my family though, it's easy to hide eating food, but it's much harder to hide NOT eating food. Maybe if I justify it as a cleanse. Hubby know those are good.
I walked/jogged for an hour today, I usually only go for half. I'm too tired to do much more. I like to go for a full number of miles, like two, but I got to 3.7 and quit at 1 hour. I still have my weights to do.
I ate a nectarine today, maybe I should have half a chicken breast and steamed veggies for supper. I have been pigging out for so long that I just can't stop everything without painful side effects. I am going to try to wean myself down. that means self-control. That thing I have been lacking for so long.
Did I say before in my other journal that this summer when I went to Canada that one of my friends told me that I looked so much healthier? That's after gaining 20lbs. I love her, but felt kinda bad. I need to lose that weight, but many people say I look better with some meat on my face. (she's not the only one who said anything, just the most recent) So what do I do? My mom said I looked so much older when I was 120. I don't want to look old and haggard, I want to look good. I guess the trick will be trying to find that happy medium. The one where I look good and feel happy with myself. I probably would if I was totally fit and cut, but I really don't have the discipline for that. Well I really don't for not eating either. So we'll see.
Don't feel like offing myself today. I was depressed all day yesterday because of those thoughts on sat, perhaps I need to go back on meds. I like topomax because it makes you lose weight as well and decreases your appetite.