Comments | non_plot: #119--PG--Shopping Trip 2

heatherlayne_n in non_plot

#119--PG--Shopping Trip 2

Jul 04, 2006 13:12

Title: Shopping Trip 2
Author: heatherlayne_n
Subject: Momento Mori, Benjamin and Star
Rating: PG
Challenge: #119--Things you can't have, 1,598 words, a couple of hours
Notes: This prompt was made for these characters. *Evil laughter* Continuation of my challenge #118 post. Sorry this is so long again, I just can't quit writing these characters!

( Oh crap )

Comments 2

phinnia July 10 2006, 17:47:58 UTC

I actually really liked the fact that she felt guilty after hearing about his wife - it makes her seem much more human and real than if she had just been completely conniving and uncaring.
One little nitpick: "Do you forget so soon what happened the last time you were out alone at night?" seems kind of over-formal for the setting, a little forced.

heatherlayne_n July 12 2006, 06:21:53 UTC

Thanks! Benjamin is actually kind of awkward and old-fashioned sometimes, but now that you point it out, that does sound rather weird for dialogue. Probably something like "Don't you remember what happened last time you were out alone at night?" would've been better.