(no subject)
Do you ever feel like tearing down everything in your room and smashing it into tiny little pieces? Cuz that's a sorta good description of how I feel right now. That and, I feel like bawling my eyes out. Man, look at me. I'm emotional. God if Marissa could see me now...
I'm not even sure of how many months it's been since SIG ended (actually...almost two) and I sorta wish I could go back. Life was easier at SIG. There was a set time for just about everything, and everyone sorta got along okay. I wanna see Pixie and Rel and Chibi and Shelley and Ashley and Marissa and Cat and EVERYONE. Even Jason, who thinks I am too tempting or whatever. I miss mythology and poetry with our political discussions that had me holding my head. I miss having chemistry with a teacher who said I was mean and disruptive. Sort of like our driver's ed teacher but not really. I miss singing commercials and things from Fairly Oddparents with Sidney. I miss no pants time in the hallways of the girls dorm, even though I didn't participate fully. I loved how as long as Amy did not know about it, we didn't get in trouble.
"There's no reason to be standing on the table if you're sober!" I miss dinner time in my group.
And I'm probably not even going back. Maybe I would to see Ayaka and Amy and Aubrey and just...all the counselors that rocked my socks. And parents day this year was amazing. It was awesome seeing everyone from 04 come and visit. And I got a label. Dammit, I got a LABEL!
I want a label maker. Maybe I'll go out and buy one on Thursday, if I find one in walmart. But it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be "sex walking" and walk around and see the guys playing pool and almost missing house meeting. I miss writing down Britney Spears and Spice Girls lyrics with Ashley in that notebook. And of course, making fun of Nolan. I miss the Dr. Pepper cult and I'd give anything to see them again.
"ahem". Ok. Camp rant over. As much as I love that camp, I love the people here too. Like Uche said in Driver's Ed the other day, "you think that if I left, I'd just leave you here?" And that would never happen. I want to leave, but I know that I'm not going to because I love my friends too much to leave.
Someone told me once that my heart was big and empathatic, not sympathetic. I care about my friends even more than my own life. I'd take a bullet for any of them. As long as they'd be alive and I knew they were safe and happy.
But still, I want to...need to even, get away.
"And I know that you're in love with him/ Cuz I saw you dancing in the gym"