Of Love and Redemption
“What do I have to do to make you fall in love with me?” James said, the rain deafening his own ears to the words that escaped him.
Desperation.
The word had never made more sense to him. He felt it from the very depths of his being, that need beyond reason, and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. Love was never supposed to be this hard. She wasn’t supposed to leave.
James watched her car fade into the ever darkening rain. His tears ran down his face in streams, mixing with the water from above and he sank to his knees, the weight of the pain too much to bear. The only thing he could think of was the first thing she said to him, all those months ago.
“I’m bad news. No good will come from a relationship with me. I am only going to warn you this once.” She said.
“Is that a promise or a threat?” James asked, smiling.
“Neither, it’s what I tell every guy that likes me.” Laura said.
“What makes you think I like you?”
“Probably because you have been making out with me for the past twenty minutes.”
“Naw, I do that with everyone.”
“Everyone?”
“You have to stay in good practice. I’m like a doctor, practice is all I do.”
“I don’t believe you.” She said.
“Alright, you got me; it’s been awhile since I’ve made out with anyone. Could you tell?”
“No James, you are quite accomplished.”
“Accomplished, that’s reassuring.”
“What do you want me to say? Oh James, Please, Take me now you beautiful bastard.”
“Only if you ask politely.”
“Please?”
“Okay, but just this once.” James said, leaning over as if to kiss her, and began to tickle her instead. “That’s what you wanted right?”
“No, please stop!” she said, laughing loud and hard. “You’re hurting me.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” James said, ceasing to tickle her.
“That was a mistake.” She said, pouncing on James and tickling him. “Now I have the upper hand.”
“Stupid women and their feminine wiles,” James said, through gritted teeth while trying to hold back his laughter.
“Oh, so now I’m stupid?” Laura said, affecting frustration. She rolled over off of the bed, and stood next to it, looking down on James, who lay on his back. “If you’re going to act like this, I’m leaving.” She said, laughing. They both laughed, and she rejoined him on his bed. The hours melted between them.
“If you’re going to act like this, I’m leaving.” Laura said, a single tear welling up in her right eye.
Frustration.
“What are you talking about? Act like what?” James asked quietly, so as to not attract the attention of the other party goers.
“Act like you don’t want to be seen with me. Act like you don’t love me. Act like you are.” Laura said, with a catch in her throat.
“Of course I want to be seen with you.” James said.
“Tell me I’m pretty. Tell me I’m the prettiest girl here.” Laura said, hugging him, whispering quietly in his ear.
“Why are you doing this? Why do you have to go all schizo on me, when we are supposed to be having a good time? Of course you are the prettiest girl here. I’m with you.” James said, pulling her aside, and sitting her down. “Let me get you something to drink. It’ll calm you down.” James said, beginning to walk away.
“Is everything going to be okay?” Laura asked.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” James said as he walked away to find her a drink.
Laura sat there, watching the party happen before her, and began to hyperventilate. She looked around, at all the faces she didn’t know, and began to realize that everything was falling apart. She leaned over, and put her head between her knees. She felt the world begin to swim. Her legs began to get rubbery, and she could hear her heartbeat louder than it should be. James touched her on the shoulder, and she screamed. The thump of the bass pushed into her head, and she began to lose her thoughts to the cacophony. She stood, and pushed her way through the crowded room until she made it outside. The door creaked and opened, the wind blowing icicles into her hair. She felt her face get cut by a thousand tiny knives, and she fell. The last thing she remembered seeing was James running towards her, and the faces in the trees.
She did not like LSD.
“Is everything going to be okay?” James asked.
Worry.
“Yes, everything is going to be fine. We are just going to be late to dinner.” Laura said, as she pressed harder on the gas pedal.
“I’m sorry, I lost track of time. You know how it can be when you are catching up with old friends.” James said, looking out the window. He reached over to hold her hand, and she pulled away and put it on the steering wheel.
“More like old flames…” Laura said under her breath.
“Huh?” James said.
“You know what I’m talking about. You were hanging out with an old girlfriend of yours.” Laura said.
“No, I was hanging out with Jennifer. She’s just a friend from high school.” James said.
“I asked around. I know that you had feelings for her.”
“That was like six years ago. Why are you being such a, ah.” James said.
“I’m being such a what?” Laura asked, looking over at James.
“I don’t know.” James said, looking away for a moment.
“Oh, you know what you were going to say.”
“Yeah, but I don’t know what you are doing. I don’t know why you are acting like you are. What’s wrong?” James asked.
“What’s wrong? What do you think?” Laura asked, slamming on the breaks at a stop light.
“I think you’re scared and I don’t know why. Or what of. Honey, I’m here for you. I only have eyes for you. Why don’t you believe me?” James asked, holding out his hand to her.
“I don’t know.” Laura said driving the car through the now green light.
“What do you think?” James asked, standing in front of Laura, in only his boxers, flexing his muscles only a little.
Happiness.
Laura smiled, and then patted the bed next to her. James leaped into bed next to her, a little too eager. Laura laughed, and James laughed, and they dove under the covers together.
Their fingers entwined, James began to kiss Laura passionately. She ran her free hand along the back of his neck. She scooted sideways, and he got on top of her. They kissed like this for what seemed like eternity. James began to kiss her neck, and made his way across the length and breadth of her body. Laura moaned softly. James took off her clothes. Laura took off his. They both shivered in excitement. He looked down into her eyes, she looked up into his.
“What is it?” she asked.
“This is perfect.” He said.
They made love. It was sweet and beautiful, sweaty and passionate, funny and enjoyable. They spent hours with each other, the first time, and spent many hours with each other afterwards, but never as perfect as the first.
“This is perfect.” Laura said, looking into her rear-view mirror. The man-shaped blur behind her fell to his knees. “This is exactly how I always wanted my life to go.” She said, tears forming from deep within her soul. “I never needed anyone. I only need me.” She said, stopping the car. “Oh God, what have I done?”
Regret.
James heard a car skid to a stop. He looked up, and he made out the faint outline of her car. Then it was gone. Then he thought he saw it again. He stood up, and moved towards it, then began to run towards the ever resolving figure of her car. He saw the driver’s door open, and he saw her get out. He ran to her.
Hope.
She ran to him.
They met and embraced. The rain poured down. They sobbed and cried. Most importantly, they held each other.
Love.
“I love you, Laura.” James said.
“I love you James, but…” Laura said, pausing for the words to form, “but… I can’t forgive you.”
“We can work on that tomorrow.”
“Do we have tomorrow?” she asked, looking up into his eyes.
“If you love me, baby, we have all the time in the world.”
Faith.
Desperation.
The word had never made more sense to him. He felt it from the very depths of his being, that need beyond reason, and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. Love was never supposed to be this hard. She wasn’t supposed to leave.
James watched her car fade into the ever darkening rain. His tears ran down his face in streams, mixing with the water from above and he sank to his knees, the weight of the pain too much to bear. The only thing he could think of was the first thing she said to him, all those months ago.
“I’m bad news. No good will come from a relationship with me. I am only going to warn you this once.” She said.
“Is that a promise or a threat?” James asked, smiling.
“Neither, it’s what I tell every guy that likes me.” Laura said.
“What makes you think I like you?”
“Probably because you have been making out with me for the past twenty minutes.”
“Naw, I do that with everyone.”
“Everyone?”
“You have to stay in good practice. I’m like a doctor, practice is all I do.”
“I don’t believe you.” She said.
“Alright, you got me; it’s been awhile since I’ve made out with anyone. Could you tell?”
“No James, you are quite accomplished.”
“Accomplished, that’s reassuring.”
“What do you want me to say? Oh James, Please, Take me now you beautiful bastard.”
“Only if you ask politely.”
“Please?”
“Okay, but just this once.” James said, leaning over as if to kiss her, and began to tickle her instead. “That’s what you wanted right?”
“No, please stop!” she said, laughing loud and hard. “You’re hurting me.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” James said, ceasing to tickle her.
“That was a mistake.” She said, pouncing on James and tickling him. “Now I have the upper hand.”
“Stupid women and their feminine wiles,” James said, through gritted teeth while trying to hold back his laughter.
“Oh, so now I’m stupid?” Laura said, affecting frustration. She rolled over off of the bed, and stood next to it, looking down on James, who lay on his back. “If you’re going to act like this, I’m leaving.” She said, laughing. They both laughed, and she rejoined him on his bed. The hours melted between them.
“If you’re going to act like this, I’m leaving.” Laura said, a single tear welling up in her right eye.
Frustration.
“What are you talking about? Act like what?” James asked quietly, so as to not attract the attention of the other party goers.
“Act like you don’t want to be seen with me. Act like you don’t love me. Act like you are.” Laura said, with a catch in her throat.
“Of course I want to be seen with you.” James said.
“Tell me I’m pretty. Tell me I’m the prettiest girl here.” Laura said, hugging him, whispering quietly in his ear.
“Why are you doing this? Why do you have to go all schizo on me, when we are supposed to be having a good time? Of course you are the prettiest girl here. I’m with you.” James said, pulling her aside, and sitting her down. “Let me get you something to drink. It’ll calm you down.” James said, beginning to walk away.
“Is everything going to be okay?” Laura asked.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” James said as he walked away to find her a drink.
Laura sat there, watching the party happen before her, and began to hyperventilate. She looked around, at all the faces she didn’t know, and began to realize that everything was falling apart. She leaned over, and put her head between her knees. She felt the world begin to swim. Her legs began to get rubbery, and she could hear her heartbeat louder than it should be. James touched her on the shoulder, and she screamed. The thump of the bass pushed into her head, and she began to lose her thoughts to the cacophony. She stood, and pushed her way through the crowded room until she made it outside. The door creaked and opened, the wind blowing icicles into her hair. She felt her face get cut by a thousand tiny knives, and she fell. The last thing she remembered seeing was James running towards her, and the faces in the trees.
She did not like LSD.
“Is everything going to be okay?” James asked.
Worry.
“Yes, everything is going to be fine. We are just going to be late to dinner.” Laura said, as she pressed harder on the gas pedal.
“I’m sorry, I lost track of time. You know how it can be when you are catching up with old friends.” James said, looking out the window. He reached over to hold her hand, and she pulled away and put it on the steering wheel.
“More like old flames…” Laura said under her breath.
“Huh?” James said.
“You know what I’m talking about. You were hanging out with an old girlfriend of yours.” Laura said.
“No, I was hanging out with Jennifer. She’s just a friend from high school.” James said.
“I asked around. I know that you had feelings for her.”
“That was like six years ago. Why are you being such a, ah.” James said.
“I’m being such a what?” Laura asked, looking over at James.
“I don’t know.” James said, looking away for a moment.
“Oh, you know what you were going to say.”
“Yeah, but I don’t know what you are doing. I don’t know why you are acting like you are. What’s wrong?” James asked.
“What’s wrong? What do you think?” Laura asked, slamming on the breaks at a stop light.
“I think you’re scared and I don’t know why. Or what of. Honey, I’m here for you. I only have eyes for you. Why don’t you believe me?” James asked, holding out his hand to her.
“I don’t know.” Laura said driving the car through the now green light.
“What do you think?” James asked, standing in front of Laura, in only his boxers, flexing his muscles only a little.
Happiness.
Laura smiled, and then patted the bed next to her. James leaped into bed next to her, a little too eager. Laura laughed, and James laughed, and they dove under the covers together.
Their fingers entwined, James began to kiss Laura passionately. She ran her free hand along the back of his neck. She scooted sideways, and he got on top of her. They kissed like this for what seemed like eternity. James began to kiss her neck, and made his way across the length and breadth of her body. Laura moaned softly. James took off her clothes. Laura took off his. They both shivered in excitement. He looked down into her eyes, she looked up into his.
“What is it?” she asked.
“This is perfect.” He said.
They made love. It was sweet and beautiful, sweaty and passionate, funny and enjoyable. They spent hours with each other, the first time, and spent many hours with each other afterwards, but never as perfect as the first.
“This is perfect.” Laura said, looking into her rear-view mirror. The man-shaped blur behind her fell to his knees. “This is exactly how I always wanted my life to go.” She said, tears forming from deep within her soul. “I never needed anyone. I only need me.” She said, stopping the car. “Oh God, what have I done?”
Regret.
James heard a car skid to a stop. He looked up, and he made out the faint outline of her car. Then it was gone. Then he thought he saw it again. He stood up, and moved towards it, then began to run towards the ever resolving figure of her car. He saw the driver’s door open, and he saw her get out. He ran to her.
Hope.
She ran to him.
They met and embraced. The rain poured down. They sobbed and cried. Most importantly, they held each other.
Love.
“I love you, Laura.” James said.
“I love you James, but…” Laura said, pausing for the words to form, “but… I can’t forgive you.”
“We can work on that tomorrow.”
“Do we have tomorrow?” she asked, looking up into his eyes.
“If you love me, baby, we have all the time in the world.”
Faith.