As life goes
Sometimes I look back at my life and think it over. In general I am pleased with how I am and at times I am even proud. Proud - because when I look back and put the pieces together, everything could have end in a very bitter way and my life over by now. So at the end of the day I am grateful how things turned out and pleased with what I have.
Especially at the moment I am more than pleased and happy about my life - but if I start on this I will write a book here……..nobody wants that :o)
Then there are a few soft spots and I got reminded of one just yesterday. I see something and I doubt everything. What I saw was this: (sorry for bad quality, but I had to take the pic with my mobile)
I saw this 2 girls while I was waiting outside a Café for a mate.
I can not really say what fascinated me. I saw them there, eating their fast food veggie thing (I have no idea what it is called in English but it is gooooood stuff :o) and I just had to ask if I can take a picture.
This combination…….one of them the average teenager (I guess both girls must have been like 14 years old) and the other one all punk with this awesome hairdo - I always wanted those red spikes when I was a teenager but my dad would have never let me.
Both of them so laid back and cool. The Punk kid did not mind a few people staring and neither did her friend.
Even when I asked if I can take a picture of them both they acted so chill, said : “Sure - go ahead.”. No fun making of the strange woman taking a picture of you eating a veggie sandwich.
I guess by now I know what made me want to take this picture.
Both girls acted like really great girls and in the back of my mind I thought that maybe I should have had kids. Having kids myself was always a thing I struggled with. I always had good reasons to say I should better not have children. Then again I thought I was just using things as an alibi.
Seeing this teenage girls made me realise that I missed a chance a long time ago. Both of the girls - like I said they both had been so laid back and chill, just happy to sit with a mate and eat something - I would be proud like hell if one of those girls would have been my kid.
Whoever raised both of them did a great job.
My excuse to say I do not want kids myself was always, that I am not sure if I can do a good job. Maybe I will leave my kids with too many fears I can not take away and with too many questions I can not answer in this world.
I just learn from a very dear person - never say never and it is never too late. That person by the way is the greatest mom I ever met. I never saw someone raising their little ones with so much love, comment sense and something I can not explain. The girl has my greatest respect for the job she does and her kids are the sweetest I ever met also. So giving, good hearted - you see them, you talk to them, you smile and your heart gets warm. 3 little fellers, all unique and special characters but at the same time they have one thing in common - there is not even one single bit of mean in them. They ask the most direct and sometimes intimate questions and you answer with pleasure because you see they really just want to know and understand.
So what was the strange German girl trying to say? I really don`t know. I just wanted to share this picture with whoever likes to read my trash here and I wanted to share my thoughts about it with whoever is reading my trash here :o)
I guess I know that at this point of my life I know that I will not have kids on my own. But it is a good feeling to know that I finally get, that I CAN. I can if I want. I can do whatever I want because I am grown up and I can be strong.
I more and more realise how much strength I got out of a friendship I lately developed. I love you girl btw. Just by being welcome in her and her kids world I get so much that makes me happier, wiser and stronger. And I will be strong for me. And I know I will always be strong for my special person and the 3 fellers. I will be there for them if they need me. I will be there if they want me. Just as close as I am wanted. But I care. Because you mean a lot to me……
Especially at the moment I am more than pleased and happy about my life - but if I start on this I will write a book here……..nobody wants that :o)
Then there are a few soft spots and I got reminded of one just yesterday. I see something and I doubt everything. What I saw was this: (sorry for bad quality, but I had to take the pic with my mobile)
I saw this 2 girls while I was waiting outside a Café for a mate.
I can not really say what fascinated me. I saw them there, eating their fast food veggie thing (I have no idea what it is called in English but it is gooooood stuff :o) and I just had to ask if I can take a picture.
This combination…….one of them the average teenager (I guess both girls must have been like 14 years old) and the other one all punk with this awesome hairdo - I always wanted those red spikes when I was a teenager but my dad would have never let me.
Both of them so laid back and cool. The Punk kid did not mind a few people staring and neither did her friend.
Even when I asked if I can take a picture of them both they acted so chill, said : “Sure - go ahead.”. No fun making of the strange woman taking a picture of you eating a veggie sandwich.
I guess by now I know what made me want to take this picture.
Both girls acted like really great girls and in the back of my mind I thought that maybe I should have had kids. Having kids myself was always a thing I struggled with. I always had good reasons to say I should better not have children. Then again I thought I was just using things as an alibi.
Seeing this teenage girls made me realise that I missed a chance a long time ago. Both of the girls - like I said they both had been so laid back and chill, just happy to sit with a mate and eat something - I would be proud like hell if one of those girls would have been my kid.
Whoever raised both of them did a great job.
My excuse to say I do not want kids myself was always, that I am not sure if I can do a good job. Maybe I will leave my kids with too many fears I can not take away and with too many questions I can not answer in this world.
I just learn from a very dear person - never say never and it is never too late. That person by the way is the greatest mom I ever met. I never saw someone raising their little ones with so much love, comment sense and something I can not explain. The girl has my greatest respect for the job she does and her kids are the sweetest I ever met also. So giving, good hearted - you see them, you talk to them, you smile and your heart gets warm. 3 little fellers, all unique and special characters but at the same time they have one thing in common - there is not even one single bit of mean in them. They ask the most direct and sometimes intimate questions and you answer with pleasure because you see they really just want to know and understand.
So what was the strange German girl trying to say? I really don`t know. I just wanted to share this picture with whoever likes to read my trash here and I wanted to share my thoughts about it with whoever is reading my trash here :o)
I guess I know that at this point of my life I know that I will not have kids on my own. But it is a good feeling to know that I finally get, that I CAN. I can if I want. I can do whatever I want because I am grown up and I can be strong.
I more and more realise how much strength I got out of a friendship I lately developed. I love you girl btw. Just by being welcome in her and her kids world I get so much that makes me happier, wiser and stronger. And I will be strong for me. And I know I will always be strong for my special person and the 3 fellers. I will be there for them if they need me. I will be there if they want me. Just as close as I am wanted. But I care. Because you mean a lot to me……