Finding Me, Finding You [2/2]
Part I
Each relationship has its own special moments, Chanyeol believed. For some it was meeting the parents, or the first kiss, or the first time they actually ‘made love’ and didn’t just have sex - Chanyeol valued all of those moments with Baekhyun - yet his favorite times with Baekhyun were the private moments any outsider may have found mundane. Those moments where it was just the two of them, learning everything about each other. Those moments where Baekhyun’s smile was the only thing he could see in the entire room. The silences were never awkward, just comfortable. He adored the little lulls in the hustle and bustle of college life, where his mind was filled with Byun Baekhyun where nothing else seemed to matter.
During one weekend visit to the Park’s (although his parent’s assumed the nature of the relationship, they decidedly did not ask the boys to elaborate on it), Chanyeol was curled up on his bed, completing an assignment before dinner while Baekhyun explored the already familiar room, opening drawers, reading through his high school notebooks, criticizing the remnants of his high school wardrobe in the closet. Chanyeol was half listening to Baekhyun’s judgmental narration of his former living space when Baekhyun suddenly let a squeal that put small children to shame.
“Oh. My. GOD. CHANYEOL. WHAT IS THIS?” Baekhyun held up a small picture, one Chanyeol could recognize in a flash. The simple green background and his chubby, bespectacled form in the center, holding his childhood companion, a ferret named Slinky. He knew it was hopeless to try and pry the picture from Bakehyun’s hands so instead he groaned loudly, throwing his face into his palms in embarrassment.
Baekhyun was in hysterics now, oscillating between cooing at the embarrassing childhood photo and gasping for air from laughing so hard.
After what felt like an eternity, Baekhyun nudged Chanyeol’s shoulder with his fist, instructing him to make room on the bed for him.
“So…. are you going to explain this or am I going to have to draw my own conclusions?”
More groans emitted from the lump that was Chanyeol. Baekhyun might have felt a little bad for teasing him so harshly, Chanyeol could tell by the arm thrown over his shoulder. In truth, he wasn’t that embarrassed, because he could see (or rather, hear) how much joy the stupid little photo brought Baekhyun.
“I’m sorry for laughing. I think it’s really cute. Really!”
Chanyeol removed his head from his hands and inspected Baekhyun’s face, “When I was little I kind of maybe had an obsession with ferrets?” Chanyeol even began to smile thinking about how ridiculous it all was. “I also was a little chubby and wore glasses.”
“You were adorable. What was the ferret’s name?” Baekhyun’s eyes remained glued to the small photo.
“Slinky. He was my favorite. Died when I was fourteen. I didn’t go to school for a week.”
Baekhyun smirked but curled up closer to Chanyeol, running his fingers through his hair “Poor baby.”
Chanyeol scoffed, but leaned into Baekhyun’s touch regardless.
“Can I keep this?” Baekhyun asked with hopeful eyes. Stroking the delicate fingers of his free hand over Chanyeol’s chubby childhood form in the photo.
Chanyeol shyly nodded his head in agreement and watched as Baekhyun’s face lit up. Baekhyun set the photo on the nightstand and pulled Chanyeol into a full hug, shoving his laptop to the end of the bed as he laid them down, limbs intertwined. His hand returned to Chanyeol’s scalp, slowly combing through the hair.
“So…. Mr Park, what other deep dark childhood secrets don’t I know about?”
--------------
In all honestly, Chanyeol was having a shit time at his new job. He enjoyed engineering, don’t get him wrong, but the hours were horrible and everyone in the office aside from his supervisor Joonmyun liked to ignore his entire existence unless they were assigning him more work. He was the newest cog in the machine and had little to no respect nor duties beyond running errands for the higher ups. This wasn’t what he imagined when he graduated with honors and was hired almost immediately by a firm.
He missed the days when he could go to Baekhyun and bitch about his day, or simply be distracted by his boyfriend. Baekhyun would run his fingers through Chanyeol’s tangled locks and distract him from the everyday. Of course those small touches would frequently lead to other things… which were probably Chanyeol’s most welcomed distraction.
Sometimes he would send Baekhyun texts saying how tired he was of work, even self deprecating stories of how he spilled his coffee all over his shirt before he was even fully settled at his desk in the morning. But after a while Baekhyun’s only response became some variation ‘I’m sorry! That sucks >.<‘ Needless to say, Baekhyun wasn’t providing the comfort he once did to make the day to day more tolerable.
The thing that kept him going, aside from Pizza Friday with Jongin (which had now been cruelly disrespected, on his own couch), was knowing that he would Skype Baekhyun every other evening. As of late, however, Baekhyun had been busy and missing Skype times left and right. Baekhyun was ‘enjoying Paris’ and ‘making the most of the experience’ which was not something Chanyeol could contend with. That didn’t stop him from feeling a little neglected.
“I haven’t had Skype sex in a month, Jongin. A. Month.” Chanyeol exasperatedly announced as he joined Jongin on the couch.
“It’s okay buddy.” Jongin’s attempts at comforting were almost as pitiful as Chanyeol had become, “You guys still talk all the time.”
“Sure, he sends me texts all the time, but whenever I really try to talk to him, just tell him about what’s going on in my life he gets distracted, bored even. I kind of gave up on sharing much with him, since it seemed to only dull the mood. You talk to Kyungsoo more than I talk to Baek lately. There is definitely something wrong there.”
Chanyeol watched as Jongin blushed. Blushed at the mention of Kyungsoo.
“Sorry about that, by the way. It just sort of… happened?” Jongin tried, cheeks now fully scarlet.
“At least I can tease you about it for the rest of your life.” Chanyeol began to smile again, watching how embarrassed Jongin was becoming. He welcomed the light turn the conversation had taken, away from his relationship woes and into the teasing Jongin territory he loved so much.
“I think… I wouldn’t mind it happening again.” Jongin said, almost in a whisper as he looked at his own hands.
“Don’t tell me you’ve grown a soft spot for the spawn of satan? Or should a say a hard spot?”
Jongin threw his hands up defensively, flinging the remote controller all the way to the center of the living room, choking on his own spit. “Yes! No! I mean…. he’s not…. that… awful?”
“He ruined my couch Jongin. You both ruined my precious couch.” Chanyeol said sternly.
“The couch you’re sitting on right now?” Jongin quirked an eyebrow, eyes shifting between the couch cushions and Chanyeol’s face.
“I was trying not to think about that, idiot.”
Jongin chuckled shyly. Smiling a bit to himself. Chanyeol was still grossed out, but the joy of seeing Jongin act like a little boy with a crush was kind of winning out against his anger over witnessing the event. The boys fell into silence, watching whatever was on TV, both in their own worlds. Chanyeol had a lot on his mind and seeing Jongin’s fledgling relationship with Kyungsoo was making his heart feel strange things. He couldn’t call it jealously just yet, but he couldn’t disregard the hint of envy he felt.
Later that night, he was awoken by a video message on his phone.
When Baekhyun had first arrived in Paris, he had made a habit of sending picture messages to Chanyeol to narrate his day. Most were selcas with something interesting in the background. Sometimes he sent food, complete with a review of his latest meal. Jongin was right, Baekhyun texted him all the time, but it could hardly be called ‘talking’ or even ‘communicating’ at this point. His narrative picture messages had now been reduced to text only messages that were more of a check in than an update. However, tagged pictures of Baekhyun littered facebook, thanks to Luhan. Sometimes Chanyeol saw the messages as the only confirmation that he was still on Baekhyun’s mind.
He had never sent a video before.
Chanyeol was curious. After the content fully loaded he clicked ‘play’ and watched as Baekhyun filled the screen. He was dancing to Beyonce’s “Baby Boy” complete with body rolls and a seductive smile on his face, looking straight at the camera. He was in an unfamiliar apartment with unfamiliar people scattered around, holding a glass of wine, and dressed to the nines in all black. He looked gorgeous and the movement of his hips was stirring up a heat in Chanyeol’s groin.
God it had been too long since he’d had sex (not that Baekhyun didn’t have this strong of an effect on him everyday regardless).
Chanyeol briefly wondered who was holding the phone when suddenly he watched Baekhyun walk towards the camera and exchange the device with whoever was holding it. Pink hair filled the screen for a brief moment before Luhan’s frame came into view. He was dancing just as seductively as Baekhyun, if not more. Chanyeol grimaced, missing the moments when Baekhyun was the only boy in the video.
The camera moved once again as Baekhyun inched closer to Luhan, holding the phone above their heads as it revealed both their bodies. They began to dance against one another, Luhan’s hand splayed out against Baekhyun’s hip as they rolled their bodies in sync with the music. They were giggling. Baekhyun then buried his face in Luhan’s neck, keeping the camera far above their heads.
Chanyeol wanted to close the video, but sat there half asleep and awestruck. He couldn’t look away.
Finally the video neared its final seconds with Baekhyun looking back towards the camera with bedroom eyes, blowing a kiss and winking at the camera before the screen went black.
“What the hell?” Chanyeol whispered to himself. There was no message to accompany the video, and Chanyeol wanted an explanation. Above all, he would never doubt his trust in Baekhyun. One part of him knew that Baekhyun would never cheat and rub it in his face like that, and that he was a touchy dancer with anyone who was willing to dance with him; however, the image of Luhan’s hand on Baekhyun’s hips and their half lidded eyes as Baekhyun nuzzled the former’s neck stirred a painful feeling of jealousy in his chest.
Chanyeol quickly typed out “What was that?” and sent the message before collapsing back into his pillow, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. For a minute he considered that Baekhyun was changing quickly, moving away from the Baekhyun he sent off on the plane three months ago. A painful realization hit him that the Baekhyun he picks up from the airport could be a complete stranger at this rate.
He waited and waited for a reply, but had no such luck. Any explanation from Baekhyun would be better than silence. Anything to stop his mind from running wild over the smallest of triggers.
The silence was deafening, and after half an hour he gave up and decided to sleep, still clutching his phone with resigned hope.
Sleep wasn’t easy to come by, instead his dreams filled him with unease as he saw Baekhyun on a dance floor, always slipping out of his reach before ending up in someone else’s arms.
From: ByunBaek
I’ll be out tonight, so no Skype :/
Sorry babe. I’ll make it up to you, I promise ;)
To: ByunBaek
Really Baekhyun?
From ByunBaek
I’m sorry! I have no plans tomorrow. I’ll get online whenever you want and I’m all yours for as long as you want. I promise!
Chanyeol let out a resigned sigh and typed a response.
To: ByunBaek
Alright. 6:30pm my time tomorrow then. Promise Baek?
From: ByunBaek
Starting at 6:30 I’m all yours. Promise. ^^
The following evening, Chanyeol got home from work around 5:45 and made a beeline for his room, giving Jongin and Kyungsoo a nod of acknowledgment as he passed through the living room.
“Please remember to relocate to Jongin’s room when you two get going,” he hollered before shutting his door.
He logged into Skype and decided to surf the net until Baekhyun came online. He was resolved to tell Baekhyun tonight of the neglect he was feeling. More than anything though, he wanted to talk to Baekhyun. Just talk. About anything and everything, he didn’t care. He missed him.
He missed him so much.
The distance was getting to him. He didn’t want to be mad at Baekhyun, he just wanted to support him and know that Baekhyun still cared. No dramatics, just time together like they used to have before Baekhyun became so distant.
Soon it was 6:28 and Baekhyun had yet to be online. Chanyeol pretended to distract himself from the digital time in the upper right hand corner of his laptop, continuing to scroll through Facebook. He could see pictures Luhan had posted of Baekhyun and their wild night out the night previous. Baekhyun looked great as always, smiling like there was no tomorrow. His life was so glamorous, while Chanyeol was sitting in his plain bedroom that vaguely smelled of dirty socks (he would do laundry tomorrow, he decided).
6:28 turned into 6:40 and there was still no sign of Baekhyun.
Chanyeol shot him a quick text that simply read ‘Skype?’ and continued to wait, becoming more and more concerned.
7:05 and the always patient Chanyeol was slowly becoming upset. This little Skype date was all he looked forward to all day. He even turned down an invitation to go out with coworkers that evening, joking that he had ‘big plans’ and earning a knowing wink from Joonmyeon. Yet here he was, in the silence of his room, with only the muffled bickering of Jongin and Kyungsoo from the living room to keep him company.
And yet he continued to wait with hope that maybe Baekhyun just converted the time wrong. He stared at the clock now, not evening bothering to play online.
By 8:30pm his stomach dropped and he knew he had been forgotten. Sure, Baekhyun had cancelled a lot of Skype dates, but this was the first time Baekhyun had flat out disregarded him, and Chanyeol felt like shit.
Shutting his laptop slowly, he blinked a few times before standing, grabbing his coat from the back of his chair and exiting his room.
“Where are you headed?” Jongin asked playfully with an arm slung around Kyungsoo’s shoulder.
“Out.” Chanyeol replied curtly before slamming the door to the apartment.
He needed fresh air and distraction. He needed to not look at the time, and not think about how abandoned he was starting to feel.
Living in Seoul had many benefits, one of them being he didn’t have to travel far to get to a decent bar. Drinking wasn’t normally something Chanyeol would do to forget his troubles, but if Baekhyun’s body was seemingly inhabited by another human as of late, he could grant himself one night of out-of-character indulgence.
He took a seat at the center of the bar, earning the bartender’s attention and ordering a Rum and Coke. He downed it in record time and was ordering a second when an arm curled around his shoulder.
He looked up to see Kris, his handsome ex, peering down at him.
“Drinking alone?” Kris said with a friendly tone, taking the unoccupied seat next to Chanyeol.
“So it would seem. What brings you here?” Chanyeol inquired as the bartender switched out his empty with a fresh drink.
“Stopped by after work. This place is a regular haunt of mine.” Kris was always charming. They parted on good terms, with Kris completely understanding Chanyeol’s pull to Baekhyun. The two stayed in touch here and there, but hadn’t spoken much since Kris graduated the year before Chanyeol.
The conversation took the normal turn for friends catching up, with Chanyeol downing his drinks faster and faster until Kris suggested they order shots instead. “It’ll get you there quicker,” he had teased.
Chanyeol knew it was inevitable when Kris inquired about Baekhyun, simply asking how they were with a hint of trepidation in his voice.
“He’s in Paris. I’m here,” Chanyeol feigned noncholance.
“Is he…. why you’re here tonight then?” Kris asked carefully.
Chanyeol paused for a moment, the room slightly foggier than he remembered it being when he entered the bar, “Something like that.” He could tell Kris was waiting for him to continue, so he obliged, “We had…. well we were supposed to have a Skype date tonight. But he didn’t show.”
“Is that a regular thing?” Kris lifted his shot to cheer with Chanyeol.
After downing the liquid and biting into the lime Chanyeol responded, “No. He’s never flat out forgotten before. But he keeps canceling, sometimes just fifteen minutes beforehand.” He would blame it on the alcohol, but more than anything he needed to vent to someone, “I just feel so…. unimportant. He’s over there doing all these fabulous things and I’m just… an afterthought. Something he gets to when he has time. I’m so excited about everything he’s doing, I want to hear all about it. I want to talk to him, or even just listen to him talk. But you know, I’m doing things too! I have a whole life that I’d like to share with him, if only he’d give me the time of day. But no. He has Luhan to share everything with and I’m just the supposed ‘boyfriend’ he has back home.”
Kris watched intently as Chanyeol became more and more frustrated before giving a him a reassuring pat on the back. “It’s all exciting for him right now Chanyeol. I don’t think you should doubt that he cares. He’s probably just so caught up in all the new things that he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. Have you spoken with him about how you feel?”
Chanyeol groans. “I hint at it. But when I finally get the chance to talk to him the last thing I want to do is end up fighting with him. I just want to be with him.”
“Maybe you should tell him. Be honest. Because, Chanyeol, this isn’t like you.”
Chanyeol looked up in confusion as Kris continued.
“You were always patient and of course doting, but you never let anyone walk all over you. You lived your life, and yes you shared it with Baekhyun, but when did all the joy in your life become dependent on another person?”
Chanyeol was struck by Kris’ honest words. He loved Baekhyun, of course a major part of his enjoyment was found in their companionship, but Kris had a point. A very good point.
“You’re right,” he someone slurred as he rested his head in his palm. “I just…. don’t want to lose him.”
“You can be true to yourself and not lose him. If he’s changed so much that he can’t see he’s hurting you, then what value is there in molding your whole life around him?” Kris sighed, “I don’t know if you want my advice, but I’ll tell you anyway: tell him how you feel. Be honest. If you fight, you fight. He’s probably not doing anything intentionally, but if you don’t communicate with him how will he ever even know he’s hurting you?”
There was that word Chanyeol had grown to hate, communication. When had he and Baekhyun really communicated lately? Was there any feeling conveyed in the quick texts they exchanged? All the ‘I love yous’ felt obligatory, not genuine. Chanyeol wondered if he was the only one feeling anything anymore.
“When you left me because of him, you were so happy Chanyeol. I’d never seen you happier and I let you go willingly. But that person is not the same one sitting on the stool next to me tonight. You’re your own person above all, Chanyeol. Think about that.”
Kris continued to pat his back and eventually helped him off his barstool and out of the bar. He walked Chanyeol all the way to his apartment, gingerly depositing him into Jongin’s concerned arms.
Before Chanyeol surrendered to his drunken stupor he checked his phone one last time. Still no word from Baekhyun.
Chanyeol was brutally awoken from his drunken slumber at 6am by his phone blaring through the silence of his apartment.
“Hello?” He grunted into the device, after he somehow managed to wrangle it and accept the call.
“Chanyeol! I’m so sorry! We were out late last night and - “
“Baekhyun, I’m sleeping. Can we talk about this tomorrow?” He didn’t want any excuses, not now. He just wanted to sleep and forget. He also knew he would have to puke if he stayed awake any longer.
“Sure…. just… tell me when okay? I’ll be there. I promise,” Baekhyun mumbled, sounding almost ashamed.
Despite his best efforts to drift back to sleep, Chanyeol found himself hunched over the toilet fifteen minutes later, bitterly bringing up everything from the previous night.
(not just the contents of his stomach either).
-----------------
The end of Senior year was an exciting time for both Baekhyun and Chanyeol. While they were anxious about job prospects, they were overjoyed to see their four years of hard work had finally paid off. Yes, they were drowning in student loans, but they had survived. Not only academically, their relationship had also made it this far.
Chanyeol was applying for jobs while Baekhyun was busy filling out applications for grants and internships his department had nominated him for.
Paris, Baekhyun had mentioned once over dinner. It was an honor to be nominated for the internship. He was bursting with pride and Chanyeol was more than willing to share in his joy.
“Of course,” Baekhyun explained, “It’s still a long shot. A lot of people apply and they only accept two international interns each year. But wouldn’t it be amazing, Chanyeol?”
“Yes,” Chanyeol had agreed, watching excitement take over Baekhyun’s features as he grabbed his hand over the dinner table, “It really would.”
--------------
Despite his semi-hungover assurance of ‘tomorrow,’ Chanyeol didn’t contact Baekhyun the next day, or the day after. Baekhyun made no attempts to contact him either.
Finally after two days of silence on both ends, Chanyeol reached out to Baekhyun, feeling ready to take Kris’ advice and just talk to Baekhyun.
To: ByunBaek
Can we Skype tonight at 8pm my time?
From: ByunBaek
I’ll be there. Love you.
Chanyeol didn’t get his hopes up too high as he sat in front of his computer at 7:55pm and logged into Skype. To his surprise, Baekhyun was already logged in and soon he was receiving a video call from his boyfriend.
He pressed accept and watched as Baekhyun’s face filled the screen, smiling shyly. His dirty blond hair was now jet black. A striking change from the Baekhyun who Chanyeol had last seen. He couldn’t help but feel a little put off at the change, regarding it somewhat as a manifestation of Baekhyun’s transformation into an almost stranger.
Baekhyun spoke first.
“Hey,” he said quietly, “I’m really sorry about the other night. I know I promised you, and there isn’t an excuse.”
Chanyeol was silent as Baekhyun went on.
“Honestly…. I stayed out really late the night before and I fell asleep. I didn’t even think to set an alarm. I slept right through everything.” He lightly slapped his palm against his own forehead.
“Oh.” Chanyeol said quietly.
“Yeol,” Baekhyun inquired carefully, “Are you mad at me? I’m really sorry. I swear.”
No. Chanyeol wanted to say. I’d never be mad at you. Lying would mean they could just have a normal conversation, maybe. Without all the tension. But Kris’ words echoed through his head as he looked directly in the camera for the first time. “Baekhyun, do you still want to be with me?”
Baekhyun was taken aback. “Of course!” he promptly responded.
“Are you sure Baekhyun? Because it really doesn’t feel like it on my end.”
“I’ve just been distracted Chanyeol, that’s all. I don’t really have time to plan my life around Skype, you know? Things are so busy.” Baekhyun offered hesitantly, but with the hint of authority he uses when he feels an argument coming on.
Chanyeol didn’t want to be angry, he really didn’t, but it was slowly rising. He felt so…. dismissed.
“See that’s the difference, Baek. To you it’s a Skype date you have to fit into your schedule. To me, it’s the main event of my day. I plan my day around when I can talk to you. I turn down plans with my friends because you say you’ll be there…. and then you aren’t. It hurts Baekhyun.”
“I’m sorry Chanyeol. You know I would never hurt you on purpose. There’s just so much to do here, and I want to make the most of the experience, you know?”
“You could share that with me too. I want to share things with you, Baekhyun. Not experience them secondhand through the pictures Luhan posts of you on Facebook.”
“Why are you bringing Luhan into this, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked defensively but with a hint of warning in his voice.
“Because he’s the only person you seem to have time for lately!” Chanyeol had to stop himself from shouting.
“If you’re jealous of Luhan, then I don’t know what to tell you. He’s my closest friend here. He has a boyfriend for Christ’s sake! If he wasn’t here, do you know how lonely I would be, Chanyeol?”
“Do you know how lonely I am Baekhyun? Do you have any idea?” Chaneyol was crumbling and quickly. It seemed like Baekhyun had a reason for everything. Despite Chanyeol being the engineer, Baekhyun was the most pragmatic between the two of them. Chanyeol was always in awe of his ability to put his feelings aside in order to look at things logically. Sometimes too logically. Tonight though, he wasn’t going to let the emotions of the situation be cast aside in favor of logic. He needed Baekhyun to know how he felt, and know that Baekhyun felt something in return.
Silence overcame the pair for a minute. Baekhyun spoke first.
“You know, this is a once in a lifetime experience for me. As cliched as that sounds. I’m here for six months! Six. With two left now! I only get to do this once, I only get to live in Paris and be free like this one time, and then I have to go back to my boring life in Korea,” Baekhyun said sternly in his frustration.
A pained expression crossed Chanyeol’s face as his heart sunk into his stomach.
“Boring?” He whispered with every once of hurt he felt. So that was what Baekhyun thought of their life together in Korea. Their life with their crazy best friends and weekly pizza nights and zombie marathons. All these little things that made Chanyeol’s life eventful were just ‘boring’ to Baekhyun now?
Baekhyun saw the hurt and immediately tried to save himself, “That’s not what I meant Chanyeol! I just mean Paris has so much more to offer in terms of entertainment.”
“It’s all just boring to you, then? Do I bore you?” Chanyeol was on the verge of tears. All those little moments he considered the most important - those mundane little moments of pure peace and happiness - they didn’t mean the same things to Baekhyun.
“No! Chanyeol listen to me! You’re not boring! It’s just, I’m here now. I have time to enjoy myself. Figure out who I am. Find myself, you know?”
That was it. The last straw.
“Bullshit Byun Baekhyun! You know exactly who you are! Or at least you did before you went off to Paris. You don’t need to fucking ‘find yourself’” Chanyeol attempted air quotes while saying the words with disdain, “Who you are is right here, at home with me, Kyungsoo, Jongin, your family, not off in some foreign country getting wasted every night being some kind of glamzaon in fancy clubs!”
Baekhyun was taken aback by the outburst, “You…. you don’t understand Chanyeol.”
“You’re right, I don’t! I don’t even fucking know who you are anymore! You don’t talk to me, or make time for me. Do you even know what’s going on in my life? That Kyungsoo and Jongin are regularly fucking on my precious couch and Joonmyeon wants to offer me a promotion? No, you don’t. Because you’re never around!”
Chanyeol sighed heavily before he continued, much more quietly.
“I’m not asking for you to dedicate all your time abroad to me Baekhyun, I’m not stupid. All I wanted was for you to give me the time of day, and maybe, I don’t know, make me feel like you still love me when you’re thousands of miles away.” His tone turned dark, “Obviously I’m asking for too much.”
Tears were gathering in Baekhyun’s eyes by now, and Chanyeol wasn’t fairing much better, “No, Chanyeol…. that’s not it….”
“Stop Baekhyun. Just stop.” Chanyeol took a deep breath, knowing the impact of the words that were about to fall out of his mouth.
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.” Chanyeol resigned, not daring to look at the shock on Baekhyun’s face.
“Do you mean….?” Baekhyun whispered apprehensively.
Chanyeol shook his head in agreement, gathering his face in his hands and harshly wiping the tears, “I think we should break up. I can’t do this. Go find yourself, or whatever the hell it is you’re doing.”
“Chanyeol, no. Ple-“
“I wish you all the best Baekhyun.”
And with that, Chanyeol shut his laptop. He stared blankly at the wall for a few minutes, possibly hours, before turing out the light and curling up alone in bed.
---------------
The good news came two days after the Graduation ceremony. Chanyeol had already been recruited for a firm near campus. He and Baekhyun were considering going apartment hunting together, but first they needed to hear back on the status of Baekhyun’s internship abroad. So instead they opted for couch shopping.
“Either way,” Baekhyun had justified, “when we move in together, be it a month or six months from now, we’re keeping the couch.”
The couple wandered through the furniture warehouse, pretending that they were shopping for their entire new apartment. Baekhyun tested out every bed, deeming none of them durable enough for their purposes before shooting a wink at Chanyeol, who blushed.
Then, as Chanyeol describes it, the gates of heaven opened up as the crowd before them cleared revealing an elegant black leather couch with silver accents. Chanyeol stopped in his place and stared in awe. It was perfect.
“Yeol, what are you doing?” Baekhyun inquired as he wandered up from somewhere behind Chanyeol. Quickly, Baekhyun put two and two together (by following Chanyeol’s eyes to the couch and back again.)
“Ah,” Baekhyun chirped, “So she’s the one?”
Chanyeol could only nod.
“Well then, let’s go test her out.” Bakehyun pulled Chanyeol’s arm and the forced him to plop down on the display couch. Once Chanyeol was fully seated, Baekhyun laid down and curled himself into Chanyeol’s lap, as he would on the couch Chanyeol had back at home currently.
“So, what do you think?” Baekhyun asked.
Chanyeol had yet to say a word, instead he gave a grunt of approval and a smile, before looking down at the adorable ball of Byun Baekhyun he currently had placed in his lap. He had just begun to play with the hairs on Baekhyun’s nape when Baekhyun’s phone went off.
Baekhyun shifted slightly to pull the device out of his pocket, but refused to move from his perch partially on Chanyeol’s lap. Chanyeol smiled to himself, thinking of how silly they must look while having a domestic moment inside a giant furniture store with spectators.
“Hello, this is Baekhyun,” Chanyeol knew it must have been a number Baekhyun didn’t recognize if he was answering the phone so officially.
“Yes…. Oh yes…. hello!” Just like that, Baekhyun was speaking French and Chanyeol actually had no idea what he was saying.
Baekhyun had tried to teach him french once or twice, but he usually ended up laughing at Chanyeol’s expense. When Chanyeol gave up he would start pretending to be the french chef in ‘The Little Mermaid,’ still butchering every word of the song. So instead, Baekhyun decided to teach him the art of french kissing. (Chanyeol thought he already knew everything about that topic, but oh, the things Baekhyun taught him.)
Lost in his own reverie Chaneyol missed that Baekhyun had already ended the phone call and was smiling up at him.
“Who was that?” Chanyeol asked.
“The internship people,” Baekhyun said, moving to sit up cross-legged on the couch in order to face Chanyeol.
“Yeol…. I got it.”
Chanyeol reached across the little distance between them and gathered Baekhyun back into his arms. “I knew you would! This is so exciting!”
“You know this means I’m going to Paris, right?”
“I know.” Chanyeol was still smiling. He was so proud of Baekhyun. All his hard work and now his dreams were coming true. They’d deal with the weight of the separation when the time came.
“I guess that means you’ll have to live with Jongin a little while longer. But then,” Baekhyun moved closer to Chanyeol til their foreheads touched as he whispered, “it’s gonna be just you. me. and this couch.”
And Chanyeol liked the sound of that. He liked it a lot.
--------------
Telling the others about the break-up was easier said than done. Chanyeol couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed just yet, much less explain (without crying) what had happened.
Somewhat luckily, Baekhyun had taken the initiative to tell Kyungsoo two days after it happened. Chanyeol hadn’t left his room by then and was sure Jongin had his suspicions.
That night he heard Jongin and Kyungsoo whispering in the living room.
“Beakhyun said it was over. Chanyeol ended it.” Kyungsoo said forlornly.
“But why?” Jongin asked, slightly upset. Probably ready to charge into Chanyeol’s room and demand an explanation.
“Don’t. do. that.” He could hear Kyungsoo struggle to pull Jongin back down to the couch. “All he would say was that it was ‘his fault’ and not to be mad at Chanyeol. Just…. make sure he’s okay.”
Jongin grunted in agreement before Kyungsoo finished, “Hopefully if we give them space, they’ll work it out.”
“I hope so,” was the last thing Chanyeol heard before he picked up his headphones and turned on his iPod, successfully drowning out their conversation.
The picture messages started a week after the break-up, once Chanyeol had returned to his everyday routine. Chanyeol had decidedly avoided Skype, but he couldn’t very well cut off contact from the world altogether, and changing his number seemed a bit overdramatic.
Plus, he couldn’t bring himself to delete Baekhyun’s contact information. It didn’t feel right.
The first picture message was a simple view of the sunrise from the window of Baekhyun’s apartment. No caption.
Chanyeol of course looked at it, but didn’t respond. He needed space. Time.
The pictures continued, one a day. There were little things that he knew Baekhyun sent as a way of saying they reminded him of Chanyeol, like the orange haired tourist hanging around the Lourve.
Baekhyun sent them without caption, probably as a means of avoiding upsetting Chanyeol. On some level, Chanyeol knew Baekhyun continued to send the messages as a means of making Chanyeol not forget him. If there was one thing Baekhyun hated, it was the idea of someone not caring about him anymore. Chanyeol knew this. What he didn’t know, however, was if Baekhyun was being selfish in wanting Chanyeol not to forget him, or if he actually missed Chanyeol.
One day he sent a picture of a ferret through the window of a pet store. Chanyeol couldn’t help but smile fondly at the picture before returning to work. Joonmyeon had been extra nice to him recently, he’d deduced that Chanyeol was going through personal issues. Yet, Chanyeol poured himself into work more than ever. He took the promotion and was finally actually engineering things, and not simply as an assistant to the assistant. He felt pretty accomplished, despite the hollow feeling in his chest of not having that special person to share his joy with.
Instead, Chanyeol joined his colleges in their after work gatherings. He didn’t necessarily have a reason to rush back home anymore, and the distraction they provided was more than welcomed. He felt like a part of the office now, and not just the awkward guy in the corner.
Chanyeol also began to meet up with Kris at the bar around the corner. They went out other times too, much to Kyungsoo’s dismay. Both Kyungsoo and Jongin knew full well who Kris used to be to Chanyeol, but they didn’t say anything to his face.
What Chanyeol neglected to tell them was that Kris was dating someone else, quite seriously in fact. But Kris was always one of his most supportive friends, even after the break up and he was slowly helping Chanyeol heal. They rarely spoke directly about Baekhyun, instead Kris provided the encouragement Chanyeol needed to keep himself busy, away from the doubts that invaded his mind when he was left alone.
‘It’s time to be your own person,’ Kris had told him on one particularly difficult night. “You’ll figure out where you stand when he comes back, but what’s more important right now is you rediscovering how to live for yourself.”
Pizza Friday’s picked back up about three weeks after the break-up. It was now a party of three, with Kyungsoo and Jongin attached at the hip. Chanyeol would listen to Kyungsoo bicker at Jongin and Jongin’s failed attempts to sass back (but who was he kidding, he was so whipped). Much like when with Kris, Baekhyun was never brought up. No one thought it fair to Chanyeol when they could see all the effort he was putting in to continuing with his own life.
--------------
When it was official that Baekhyun was leaving for Paris in a month, Chanyeol knew it was time to sit down and discuss what this meant for them, even though he already had a pretty good idea.
They returned to the coffee shop they frequented ever since Chanyeol had blurted out his love for Baekhyun all those years ago. The conversation was flowing normally, but Chanyeol needed to take the plunge. He needed the confirmation, that was all. He didn’t have too may doubts, after all. He trusted Baekhyun felt the same away about him.
When the conversation lulled for a second, he took his chance. While they were silently playing footsies under the table, Chanyeol spoke up.
“So, Baek, I know you’re leaving in a month,” Baekhyun looked up curiously, “and I just want to know….. what that means for us?”
To Chanyeol’s horror, Baekhyun started laughing. Right across the table from him.
“You’re so dumb sometimes Chanyeol,” was all he managed to get out in between barks of laughter.
“I’m…. kind of confused here Baek.”
“Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. God, I love you.” Baekhyun reached for his hand.
Chanyeol stared.
“Of course we’re staying together.” Baekhyun spoke with confidence, “This is, of course, if you’re willing to do long distance for six months?” Although Baekhyun was using his most confident tone, Chanyeol could see the hint of concern in his eyes.
Now it was Chanyeol’s turn to laugh, although not quite as boisterously as Baekhyun. He merely chuckled lightly and took hold of Baekhyun’s other hand.
“Of course, Baekhyun. This sounds really cheesy, I know, but I’d do anything to keep you.”
Baekhyun smiled like he had just been given the world. His eyes were soft as they focused on Chanyeol before he looked down at their interwoven fingers.
“It might be hard,” he said softly, “but I know we can do it.”
“I know we can too, Baek. As long as we both try and remember to appreciate what we can have while you’re away. We’re gonna be okay.”
“You promise?”
“I swear on the couch.” Chanyeol said lightly before leaning across the table and sealing the deal with a light kiss.
-----------------
The week of Baekhyun’s return, or supposed return, the picture messages stopped.
The night before Baekhyun’s arrival, Chanyeol awoke to the ding of a message from Baekhyun.
He took a moment before opening it.
There, on the screen was a picture of the desk space that Baekhyun had showed him the first time he had given Chanyeol a tour of his small room. However, the computer was resting on the desk this time around. Behind it, Chanyeol could see one photo pinned to the wall. He didn’t need to zoom in on the picture to recognize it immediately. There was the photo he had given Baekhyun almost two years ago of his younger self, chubby with his pet ferret.
Remembering he had been able to see the rest of the room every time they skyped, he knew that Baekhyun hadn’t attempted to decorate the space at all. His heart did a weird flip flop knowing that that was the only image Baekhyun had decided to pin to the wall.
Caught up in a weird surge of emotions, Chanyeol almost had the shit scared out of him when another message tone dinged and the phone vibrated in his hand. It was another text from Baekhyun.
From: ByunBaek
Tomorrow. 2:20 pm. Korean Air Flight 908.
I miss you and I’m sorry.
As Chanyeol stared at the message, his heart continued to beat erratically. After some time, he set the phone back on his night stand. He laid there half awake for the remainder of the night, wondering exactly what he was going to do.
The next morning, Chanyeol woke up to the smell of breakfast. Kyungsoo had stayed the night (again) and he always made sure to cook breakfast for all three of them. He said it was an attempt to make amends for the couch incident(s), but really he just didn’t trust either Jongin or Chanyeol in the kitchen.
Chanyeol made his way to the kitchen at the same time Jongin emerged from the shower.
“Smells great, Soo,” he said softly as he crept up behind Kyungsoo at the stove, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy’s waist.
“Get off me, Jongin. I’m busy cooking your breakfast.” Kyungsoo snapped playfully.
Jongin chuckled to himself as he took a seat next to Chanyeol at the small table. Chanyeol felt those familiar pings of envy in seeing the new couple act so seemingly domestic.
After all the food had been served, Kyungsoo cleared his throat. Chanyeol knew what was coming.
“So…. Baekhyun gets back today,” Kyungsoo said as conversationally as possible.
Silence followed. Chanyeol pretended to be distracted by a lone piece of egg he couldn’t manage to get on his fork. He knew both Jongin and Kyungsoo were watching him intently, waiting for a response, but he had nothing to give them.
As Kyungsoo cleaned up the plates, he shot Jongin an instructive glance. Jongin immediately responded by excusing himself to get ready, leaving Chanyeol and Kyungsoo alone in the kitchen. Chanyeol attempted to excuse himself as well, but Kyungsoo stopped him with a gentle hand to his shoulder.
“I’m not going to pick him up. I know I’m not who he wants to see there.” Kyungsoo said quietly. “I don’t know everything that happened between you two these past few months. But….If you’re done, then you’re done. I get it, and he’ll understand…. eventually. But I know you’re not over him. I can tell. No matter how much you distract yourself, you miss him. He misses you.”
Chanyeol averted his eyes from Kyungsoo’s commanding stare (those huge eyes were terrifying), and instead studied the wood grain in the table.
“This is your chance,” Kyungsoo said before he quietly left the room.
Noon and Chanyeol was in his room, staring at the wall. Kyungsoo and Jongin camped out in the dining room, waiting for him to make a move.
At one thirty, Chanyeol abruptly opened his door sending it banging into the wall as it swung, startling Kyungsoo and Jongin upright. He gave them a nod before heading for the door, jacket slung over his arm.
“Where are you going man?” Jongin asked playfully.
“Out.”
According to the screens, Baekhyun’s plane had landed fifteen minutes ago. However, he couldn’t bring himself to go stand at the arrivals gate with all the other excited families. Chanyeol had a lot on his mind, to say the least. Yes, he was still upset with Baekhyun. But did he still love him? Of course he did.
Well, he loved the old Baekhyun. The one who lounged around all day with him and participated in his horror film marathons. The one who got a little too drunk at karaoke every time but sang SNSD with so much joy that Chanyeol couldn’t complain about the song choice (and he definitely couldn’t complain about how frisky alcohol always made Baekhyun).
But the Baekhyun he had seen digitally for the past few months wasn’t that Baekhyun. Sure there were semblances of Baekhyun somewhere in there, but he wasn’t the Baekhyun who loved Chanyeol above everything else.
Overwhelmed by his own thoughts, Chanyeol leaned against the nearest wall. From his vantage point he could see the arrivals hallway, but he was not a part of the crowd. When passengers began passing through, seeking out their relatives and embracing one another, Chanyeol watched intently. He wished Baekhyun still had his signature blond hair, as it would have made him easier to spot in the crowd.
Chanyeol’s eyes were flitting wildly scanning the crowd hoping not to miss Baekhyun. Even if he wasn’t decided on approaching him, he wanted to see that he arrived safely. That he was back. It was then he saw a petite figure stop at the front of the arrivals gate, a figure he would never mistake as anyone else’s. He was wearing all black, pulling a small carry-on suit case behind him with one also slung over his shoulder and he was alone.
Chanyeol watched as Baekhyun paused and allowed his eyes to look up from the tiled floor to search the crowd. Chanyeol hid himself slightly behind the nearest pillar, looking on. There was a glint of hope in Baekhyun’s eyes that quickly disappeared as he didn’t find what he was looking for.
Once Baekhyun had scanned the crowd, he shook his head mockingly, as if chastising himself for having hope in the first place. Chanyeol’s heart hurt watching Baekhyun’s disappointment.
So he pulled out his phone.
To: ByunBaek
Did you find what you were looking for?
He pressed send and waited until he saw Baekhyun receive the message, trailing behind him at a distance so as to not be seen easily. Almost immediately Baekhyun pulled out his phone, reading the message quickly and then looking around once again a little more hopefully.
Chanyeol felt like he was standing on the edge of a train platform, he could lean forward, reveal himself, or he could fall back in the crowd. Ultimately, the butterflies in his stomach pushed him forward as he showed himself to Baekhyun.
He watched as relief flooded Baekhyun’s face, who began to make his way towards the taller. He was taking tentative steps, as if me might scare him off, never taking his eyes off Chanyeol. Almost as if he was scared that if he blinked, Chanyeol would disappear.
When he finally got close enough to be heard, Baekhyun spoke softly, “I don’t know how I lost it in the first place.”
He was now directly in front of Chanyeol, nearly toe to toe. Chanyeol was frozen on the spot as he took in Baekhyun. The black hair was a little off-putting, but his face was exactly as he remembered it: small but adorable eyes, little nose and the most lovely lips with the small beauty mark right above his mouth.
They stood in silence, looking each other up and down before Baekhyun shyly smiled up at Chanyeol, who couldn’t help but reciprocate.
The air was heavy with tension and apprehension. Chanyeol knew it was his turn to speak, his chance.
“Not to ruin the moment or anything but, are we talking about you ‘finding yourself’ here, or finding me?”
Baekhyun giggled, and it was music to Chanyeol’s ears, “They’re one in the same, Chanyeol. Didn’t you know?”
At this, Baekhyun set down his carry-on, opting to reach for Chanyeol’s hands, which were willingly given.
“Chanyeol, I’m… so sorry. For everything. Everything…. you were right. I don’t know what was going through my head, but I never stopped loving you…. I couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m just… so very sorry, Chanyeol.” He was crying at this point, “I just want us back to the way we were. Two months without talking to you was hell, Chanyeol! With you, it was never boring, it was perfect. I want to come home to you, on that stupid couch, despite whatever Kyungsoo and Jongin did to it.”
Baekhyun took in a giant breath before continuing, in a much quieter voice, “I just want to be with you….. of course, if you’ll still have me?”
It wasn’t a perfect explanation, Chanyeol knew that. But in that moment, it was the perfect apology.
Baekhyun was still looking up at Chanyeol hopefully, when Chanyeol removed his hands from Baekhyun’s grip. He watched Baekhyun’s face fall in resigned disappointment.
That was until Chanyeol used his free hands to cradle Baekhyun’s face, wiping the tears away with his thumbs.
Chanyeol began to lean in, not missing how Baekhyun’s breath hitched. He moved until his mouth was within centimeters of Baekhyun’s ear, smiling as he whispered.
“Just you. Me. And that stupid couch.”
A/N
So obviously, this story was actually about a tacky leather couch. (I plan on writing an epilogue in the couch's POV.)
Actually, I wrote this story for a friend. Starting waaay back in October. She was going through the woes of a long distance relaitonship at the time, and I promised her a happy ending with kpop characters as a proxy.
I ignored it for some time and then recently decided to just finish it.
Also, sorry for my failed humor, and everything else really.
Anyway, thank you for reading! Please comment!
It would make me happy.
i hate formatting, so i'm sorry if some things got lost here and there.
I suck at lj.
I'm on tumblr and twitter