Fic - "Existing" - Sherlock/John - PG13
Title: Existing
Fandom: Sherlock
Characters/Pairing: Sherlock/John
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~1200
Warnings: Mentions of drug use
Disclaimer: Not owned by me. Just a bit of fun, no harm intended.
Notes: Inspired by this prompt on the sherlockbbc_fic kink meme.
Summary: Sherlock feels blurred. Drugs are one solution. John Watson is another.
Sherlock Holmes is busy existing.
For Sherlock, existing is not just a state of being, but a feeling. It’s one of his favourites but also one which time and functioning do not often allow him to accommodate. He’s currently sprawled on the sofa with a certain ex-army doctor’s sleeping head rested on his chest.
The case has been solved. Sherlock is existing. John is sleeping. The world (allegedly) is continuing to rotate on its axis whilst orbiting the sun. All is fine.
Eventually, Sherlock will remember that John will not be happy if he’s left to sleep through the night in an awkward position which will play hell on his shoulder the following morning. When this happens Sherlock will wake John up, suggest that John doesn’t fuss about clearing away empty take-away containers until morning and lead John up to their bedroom. They’ll strip to their pants and get into bed. John will kiss him goodnight and attempt conversation before promptly falling asleep. Sherlock will keeping experiencing existing while he taps his fingers in time to John’s breathing pattern before falling asleep himself.
It’s a familiar routine and one that Sherlock is always happy to indulge in.
Periods of existing used to come few and far between. Typically, Sherlock buzzes which is a feeling he readily welcomes. Buzzing coincides with cases, deductions, running and all the times when Sherlock knows his brain must be operating faster than what should be humanly possible. When Sherlock is buzzing, there is no time for conscious thought. Synapses spark, sending ideas and logic cascading throughout his being. Hypothesis are tested, solutions are formed and it’s all so obvious that Sherlock shouldn’t need to use words or a pen and paper to show his adding up. When Sherlock is clever, Sherlock feels buzzing which is equal parts intense and beautiful.
When Sherlock no longer feels buzzing, the gears in his mind grind to a halt.
He catches boredom.
Everything descends into blurred and it’s all Sherlock can do to make sense of the sounds and sights aimed in his direction. The density of the atmosphere increases and people become intolerable. Sherlock will lean against walls or the sofa, allowing his head to support most of his weight in an attempt to drive the blurred feeling away. It’s a method that’s become less effective over time and on many occasion, cocaine has been the only way to make the gears begin once more.
Cocaine had not ended well for Sherlock. He may have been a junkie, but Sherlock still had his pride. He would never do anything as common as snort the substance. He preferred the elegance of the needle and the intensity of the high as a very happy union was formed in his blood stream.
There had been days when people had tried to reason with him. Shouldn’t he know better, what about the affect on his health and mightn’t he stop for a moment to consider who he may be upsetting? were all common (and for the most part ignored) pleas.
Waking up in Intensive Care had been unsettling. The forceful withdrawal of the one thing which was guaranteed to make him feel buzzed was hell.
But Sherlock got clean.
Now there are cases instead of cocaine. Now there is John who is ever vigilant for signs of darker days and changing moods.
John helps Sherlock to move beyond buzzing and feel existing. Most people would say that Sherlock got lucky. Not only did Sherlock manage to find someone who tolerates his spin on a personality, he’s found someone who will actively seek out more of his company. Sherlock thinks that describing what he and John have as ‘luck’ is an unforgivable slur on the character of John H. Watson.
“Will they ever find anything?” John had asked after another attempt at getting Sherlock to cooperate had taken the form of a drugs bust.
“You shouldn’t worry John. What’s left is hidden well enough that Lestrade and his team couldn’t find it for all the clues in the world,” he’d replied.
John blinked incredulously at him. “That... is so far from what I actually meant.”
“I know.”
Silence stretched between them. At last John was the one to break it.
“You know I’ve had experience with addiction before,” John had paused. “It took such a long time realise that there was only so much I could do if Harry couldn’t accept what help I was able to offer.”
Sherlock hadn’t been able to look him in the eye. “It couldn’t have been easy for you,” Sherlock had managed at last.
“No. It’s still not.” Another pause had followed. “I just think that you should know that if you ever feel like you need to use again you should know... you don’t have to be alone. I can help.”
That had been it. There were no threats, ultimatums or requests for promises to stay clean. But even then, Sherlock had known that John would never make him say words which formed promises he might not be able to keep.
Many months had past since then. There were cases, the pool, Moriarty.
Sherlock had discovered that kissing John was a rare activity that was actually improved with his eyes closed.
John was true to his word in his offer of help. He was also able to recognise when Sherlock was unable to find the words to ask for it. For the moment, at times when even John’s efforts couldn’t stop the blurred feeling taking over, knowing that John was trying for him was enough to keep him away from the needle.
Sherlock could only hope it would last.
Before long, Sherlock remembers that if John spends the night in this position on the sofa he will be in considerable pain in the morning. Sherlock’s existing will have to continue elsewhere.
“John,” he murmurs, gently shaking him awake. “If we don’t move to bed your shoulder will be sorry in the morning.”
“Right,” replies John as he allows Sherlock to pull him to his feet. “Wait a moment, we really should get to the-”
“In the morning John. Sleep first, cleaning to the point of excess later.”
Sherlock leads John towards their bedroom, stopping only once so they can clean their teeth. When they reach their room they strip down, climb into bed and John gives Sherlock a chaste kiss before settling his head down on Sherlock’s shoulder. Sherlock’s arm automatically tightens around John who’s already well on his way back to sleep. Sherlock commences tapping his fingers rhythmically against John’s side.
“What are you doing Sherlock?” John manages to slur out.
“Just feeling existing,” Sherlock replies, planting a kiss on his forehead.
“That’s nice. It’s good when you feel that.”
“It’s mostly thanks to you.”
“Kind of me,” John manages. His speech is getting less and less intelligible.
“It really is John...” Sherlock receives no reply. But that’s okay. Sherlock is existing, John is here and maybe it is all fine.
Fandom: Sherlock
Characters/Pairing: Sherlock/John
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~1200
Warnings: Mentions of drug use
Disclaimer: Not owned by me. Just a bit of fun, no harm intended.
Notes: Inspired by this prompt on the sherlockbbc_fic kink meme.
Summary: Sherlock feels blurred. Drugs are one solution. John Watson is another.
Sherlock Holmes is busy existing.
For Sherlock, existing is not just a state of being, but a feeling. It’s one of his favourites but also one which time and functioning do not often allow him to accommodate. He’s currently sprawled on the sofa with a certain ex-army doctor’s sleeping head rested on his chest.
The case has been solved. Sherlock is existing. John is sleeping. The world (allegedly) is continuing to rotate on its axis whilst orbiting the sun. All is fine.
Eventually, Sherlock will remember that John will not be happy if he’s left to sleep through the night in an awkward position which will play hell on his shoulder the following morning. When this happens Sherlock will wake John up, suggest that John doesn’t fuss about clearing away empty take-away containers until morning and lead John up to their bedroom. They’ll strip to their pants and get into bed. John will kiss him goodnight and attempt conversation before promptly falling asleep. Sherlock will keeping experiencing existing while he taps his fingers in time to John’s breathing pattern before falling asleep himself.
It’s a familiar routine and one that Sherlock is always happy to indulge in.
Periods of existing used to come few and far between. Typically, Sherlock buzzes which is a feeling he readily welcomes. Buzzing coincides with cases, deductions, running and all the times when Sherlock knows his brain must be operating faster than what should be humanly possible. When Sherlock is buzzing, there is no time for conscious thought. Synapses spark, sending ideas and logic cascading throughout his being. Hypothesis are tested, solutions are formed and it’s all so obvious that Sherlock shouldn’t need to use words or a pen and paper to show his adding up. When Sherlock is clever, Sherlock feels buzzing which is equal parts intense and beautiful.
When Sherlock no longer feels buzzing, the gears in his mind grind to a halt.
He catches boredom.
Everything descends into blurred and it’s all Sherlock can do to make sense of the sounds and sights aimed in his direction. The density of the atmosphere increases and people become intolerable. Sherlock will lean against walls or the sofa, allowing his head to support most of his weight in an attempt to drive the blurred feeling away. It’s a method that’s become less effective over time and on many occasion, cocaine has been the only way to make the gears begin once more.
Cocaine had not ended well for Sherlock. He may have been a junkie, but Sherlock still had his pride. He would never do anything as common as snort the substance. He preferred the elegance of the needle and the intensity of the high as a very happy union was formed in his blood stream.
There had been days when people had tried to reason with him. Shouldn’t he know better, what about the affect on his health and mightn’t he stop for a moment to consider who he may be upsetting? were all common (and for the most part ignored) pleas.
Waking up in Intensive Care had been unsettling. The forceful withdrawal of the one thing which was guaranteed to make him feel buzzed was hell.
But Sherlock got clean.
Now there are cases instead of cocaine. Now there is John who is ever vigilant for signs of darker days and changing moods.
John helps Sherlock to move beyond buzzing and feel existing. Most people would say that Sherlock got lucky. Not only did Sherlock manage to find someone who tolerates his spin on a personality, he’s found someone who will actively seek out more of his company. Sherlock thinks that describing what he and John have as ‘luck’ is an unforgivable slur on the character of John H. Watson.
“Will they ever find anything?” John had asked after another attempt at getting Sherlock to cooperate had taken the form of a drugs bust.
“You shouldn’t worry John. What’s left is hidden well enough that Lestrade and his team couldn’t find it for all the clues in the world,” he’d replied.
John blinked incredulously at him. “That... is so far from what I actually meant.”
“I know.”
Silence stretched between them. At last John was the one to break it.
“You know I’ve had experience with addiction before,” John had paused. “It took such a long time realise that there was only so much I could do if Harry couldn’t accept what help I was able to offer.”
Sherlock hadn’t been able to look him in the eye. “It couldn’t have been easy for you,” Sherlock had managed at last.
“No. It’s still not.” Another pause had followed. “I just think that you should know that if you ever feel like you need to use again you should know... you don’t have to be alone. I can help.”
That had been it. There were no threats, ultimatums or requests for promises to stay clean. But even then, Sherlock had known that John would never make him say words which formed promises he might not be able to keep.
Many months had past since then. There were cases, the pool, Moriarty.
Sherlock had discovered that kissing John was a rare activity that was actually improved with his eyes closed.
John was true to his word in his offer of help. He was also able to recognise when Sherlock was unable to find the words to ask for it. For the moment, at times when even John’s efforts couldn’t stop the blurred feeling taking over, knowing that John was trying for him was enough to keep him away from the needle.
Sherlock could only hope it would last.
Before long, Sherlock remembers that if John spends the night in this position on the sofa he will be in considerable pain in the morning. Sherlock’s existing will have to continue elsewhere.
“John,” he murmurs, gently shaking him awake. “If we don’t move to bed your shoulder will be sorry in the morning.”
“Right,” replies John as he allows Sherlock to pull him to his feet. “Wait a moment, we really should get to the-”
“In the morning John. Sleep first, cleaning to the point of excess later.”
Sherlock leads John towards their bedroom, stopping only once so they can clean their teeth. When they reach their room they strip down, climb into bed and John gives Sherlock a chaste kiss before settling his head down on Sherlock’s shoulder. Sherlock’s arm automatically tightens around John who’s already well on his way back to sleep. Sherlock commences tapping his fingers rhythmically against John’s side.
“What are you doing Sherlock?” John manages to slur out.
“Just feeling existing,” Sherlock replies, planting a kiss on his forehead.
“That’s nice. It’s good when you feel that.”
“It’s mostly thanks to you.”
“Kind of me,” John manages. His speech is getting less and less intelligible.
“It really is John...” Sherlock receives no reply. But that’s okay. Sherlock is existing, John is here and maybe it is all fine.