i'm attached.

Feb 11, 2005 09:28

last night i had this dream that i was at home eating cupcakes waiting for some obscene time because i had to go to physics class. this is how my agenda usually went when i was back at GRCC. anyway, i got into class, late of course and i noticed shawn there. THIS WAS ME IN PHYSICS CLASS AGAIN. only it was a little different, because it wasnt ajay teaching it, it was some lady. i was sitting there with my face in a cup of yogurt and i got bitched at for not having my name on my assignment, and there shawn was laughing at me. LIKE HE ALWAYS DID. actually he never laughed, i just looked up at him and he would shake his head in disapproval with this stupid smirk on his face and he would have something nasty to say.

what's weird was that the shiella in that dream knew we were dating. like that shiella is the current shiella, but i wasnt sure if he knew who he was. i was getting all sorts of upset because he kept making fun of me and i just wanted to be played nice to and of course he's clueless of the fact that he's mad about me and sickly infatuated with my existence (:>

the rest of the dream was scarry. there were scarry little goblins running around, eating people. i swear i got mauled by a little skeleton for a good portion of my dream. note to shiella: shawn and shiella can not play i'm going to tickle you and gum on your neck until you cant breathe from laughing too hard -- before bed. syke.

the dream turned even more weird because i was up in the mountains. and there was this guy, some hick ass motherfucker and i guess we were involved or something. i whispered some nonesense like tell me you love me and he did and as soon as he said it i turned into present shiella and i felt so horrible. i kept asking myself where shawn was, and how come shawn wasnt there with me, why was i cheating on shawn if i didnt mean to, and i was freaking out. and thats when the alarm went off.

i couldnt really think of what to journal today. i was really overwhelmed yesterday, with all the crying and the arguing. that i dont really want to recall it. i read this from someones journal, and i thought it seemed most appropriate. chemistry is all over my mind now, and i'm feling too oafish and clumsy to come up with something.
the thing about having exactly what you want is that the struggle becomes NO LONGER to FIND what you want, it's to KEEP it. i'm constantly devastatingly afraid of losing him. of having to remember myself, my life, and what it feels like to be without him. it's not that i'm dependant; i can sustain myself perfectly. it's just that it's so much better not to be alone, and even better better that he's the one i'm being not alone with, you know? people make the mistake of thinking that every relationship is about dependancy. sometimes it's just nice to not be so cynical and let the good things come to you. why be miserable and alone when i can be complete? i'll never starve myself of this feeling.

--

my oh my, the things we crave.

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