I was taken to the sky and left to fall without a parachute.
If you have been reading my LJ or following my fb or listening to my rants, you will know all about my dilemma over taking Honours or not.
Anyway today could be any plain old day of school since it was my first day of school after all. Hardly exciting. But during these short 5 hours, I went through such an emotional roller coaster ride. And now I'm at the pits of all possible mood.
I always lament the fact that I'm not smart enough for Economics. So, lack of confidence is one of the many factors I'm still considering doing Honours. I daresay now that 60% of the fact that I'm not in favour in doing Honours are made up of selfish and personal reasons.
Reasons are as of follows:
1) I'm a confirmed lower tier of my Honours batch. Please la, my CAP is nothing in comparison to those 'friends' staying to take Honours.
2) I have no close friends to do Honours with me. In studies, having friends to analyse the module/study and suffer together is a definite advantage and the main source of motivation to get one through the semester.
3) ALL my close friends are graduating with a B.A. this semester. As of the same major, that is.
4) My other close friends staying are of different major. Which doesn't help cos I don't think we will see each other often.
Basically, it's like that. Then today Bt told me he's going for exchange next semester. Fine. It makes my Year 4 even more fantastic. Great. But I can't be so selfish and rob him of his excitement of going for SEP. So well, I have been keeping quiet about this issue.
I always thought that Year 4s can't apply for SEP anymore because I don't think they will allow us to freeze our CAP for Honours modules. Today I found out actually we COULD. As long as it's not the graduating semester I will be applying to go SEP to. Which made me super elated - DAMN IT, maybe my Year 4 wouldn't be that bad after all! So I went to check... Round 2 of SEP application is only starting on Feb/Mar. I was DAMN happy can.
Then the bomb dropped on me. Round 1 was for AY10/11 Semester 1 and 2 application. Round 2 is only for AY10/11 Semester 2. Right. AY10/11 Semester 2 is my freaking graduating semester should I be taking Honours.
So yes, FML.
This entry hardly described the surface of my disappointment. I'm so angry with myself not discovering the possibility of SEP earlier, I'm downright depressed for a while. Yes, it's that bad. I hate to think how I will survive Year 4 Semester 1. It really reminds me how I lived my university life when I was Year 1 Semester 2... One of the worst semesters ever. Doesn't help that I have no CCA.
PLUS it's really hell taking modules alone. It's not like I have classmates to depend on anymore.
I REALLY REALLY regret not going to SEP at all for the whole of my university life. FUCK CAN I JUST BANG MY HEAD ON THE WALL NOW. I'm so ANGRY and IRRITATED with myself, it's unbelievable.
.....
I really don't know how I'm going to convince myself in taking Honours anymore.
EDIT: After taking a shower, I thought of all possible reasons why this issue is hitting me so hard... and I came up with no definite answers. I lost my appetite for dinner, and I don't feel like doing anything else. Seriously at this point of time I doubt there are words enough to comfort me 100%, but I feel like a balloon which is filled to the brim with the air of anguish for far too long and will explode anytime if the air isn't released soon somehow.
Anyway today could be any plain old day of school since it was my first day of school after all. Hardly exciting. But during these short 5 hours, I went through such an emotional roller coaster ride. And now I'm at the pits of all possible mood.
I always lament the fact that I'm not smart enough for Economics. So, lack of confidence is one of the many factors I'm still considering doing Honours. I daresay now that 60% of the fact that I'm not in favour in doing Honours are made up of selfish and personal reasons.
Reasons are as of follows:
1) I'm a confirmed lower tier of my Honours batch. Please la, my CAP is nothing in comparison to those 'friends' staying to take Honours.
2) I have no close friends to do Honours with me. In studies, having friends to analyse the module/study and suffer together is a definite advantage and the main source of motivation to get one through the semester.
3) ALL my close friends are graduating with a B.A. this semester. As of the same major, that is.
4) My other close friends staying are of different major. Which doesn't help cos I don't think we will see each other often.
Basically, it's like that. Then today Bt told me he's going for exchange next semester. Fine. It makes my Year 4 even more fantastic. Great. But I can't be so selfish and rob him of his excitement of going for SEP. So well, I have been keeping quiet about this issue.
I always thought that Year 4s can't apply for SEP anymore because I don't think they will allow us to freeze our CAP for Honours modules. Today I found out actually we COULD. As long as it's not the graduating semester I will be applying to go SEP to. Which made me super elated - DAMN IT, maybe my Year 4 wouldn't be that bad after all! So I went to check... Round 2 of SEP application is only starting on Feb/Mar. I was DAMN happy can.
Then the bomb dropped on me. Round 1 was for AY10/11 Semester 1 and 2 application. Round 2 is only for AY10/11 Semester 2. Right. AY10/11 Semester 2 is my freaking graduating semester should I be taking Honours.
So yes, FML.
This entry hardly described the surface of my disappointment. I'm so angry with myself not discovering the possibility of SEP earlier, I'm downright depressed for a while. Yes, it's that bad. I hate to think how I will survive Year 4 Semester 1. It really reminds me how I lived my university life when I was Year 1 Semester 2... One of the worst semesters ever. Doesn't help that I have no CCA.
PLUS it's really hell taking modules alone. It's not like I have classmates to depend on anymore.
I REALLY REALLY regret not going to SEP at all for the whole of my university life. FUCK CAN I JUST BANG MY HEAD ON THE WALL NOW. I'm so ANGRY and IRRITATED with myself, it's unbelievable.
.....
I really don't know how I'm going to convince myself in taking Honours anymore.
EDIT: After taking a shower, I thought of all possible reasons why this issue is hitting me so hard... and I came up with no definite answers. I lost my appetite for dinner, and I don't feel like doing anything else. Seriously at this point of time I doubt there are words enough to comfort me 100%, but I feel like a balloon which is filled to the brim with the air of anguish for far too long and will explode anytime if the air isn't released soon somehow.