Losing My Religion
Title: Losing My Religion
Pairing: ZiKyung -er one sided
Genre: songfic, of sorts
Rating: R(language and rated R fics are hip hap)
Summary: Kyung loves Zico, but in a heterosexual dominated country where the concept of homosexuality is still taboo, he must keep his feelings secret to himself.
Note: This is the spawn of me listening to too much R.E.M while watching Match Up and having my friend rant about homophobia to me. This was originally supposed to be fluff, huuhuu. Not anymore, sorry.
+The phrase "losing my religion" is an idiom from the south, similar to the saying "to be at your wit's end."
"Losing My Religion is about someone who pines for someone else. It's unrequited love, what have you."
- Michael Stipe
Park Kyung sits, one leg cross over the other, and chin cupped in his hand. He watches as Jiho and Jihoon dick around with plastic swords they purchased from a local one dollar shop. A smile spreads across his face as Jiho makes obtuse attacking noises while he thrusts the toy into Jihoon's side. The maknae makes a show of his 'death' by falling to the ground, screaming, and flailing his arms about.
"I have defeated thee!" Jiho triumphantly yells out. He turns to Kyung, grabs his skinny wrist and pulls him to his feet. "Come! Be my bride, and rule this land as my queen."
"Oh! My hero!" Kyung cheers in a high, girly voice. He dramatically throws his arms around Jiho and holds him tightly. The smile he had dawned moments ago vanishes. Kyung knows what Jiho is doing is all an act, for the cameras filming behind them. This fantasy, this dream of Kyung's where he is a damsel in distress and Jiho comes to slay the evil Jihoonasaurus that guards Kyung's tower and saves him is just that, a dream. Only brought to reality because the variety program the group is filming needed a fluffy acting scene from the group. Jiho's actions mean nothing.
Kyung has his knight in shining armor, for now. He hugs Jiho a little tighter and a little longer.
It's the moments like this Kyung used to live for. The touches, the looks and quiet talks, and on rare occasions where Jiho's lips would grace Kyung's forehead, this kept Kyung going each day. He would wake up each day in pain, but he knew relief would come soon. Ironically, the small bouts of skinship were the root cause of every ache Kyung felt in his body, but they were the only thing that gave solace to the hurt he felt.
The group's managers pushed the duo to show more and more skinship each time they were on shows. Cute sells and it's cute when male idols touch and fool around with each other, their managers had explained to them before they debuted. Jiho was down, to him this was all a joke. He didn't care, he could dote on Kyung as much as needed. Hell, he'd even plant his lips on Kyung's because it would be funny and cute, the fans would eat it up. And it would be okay, because it was just for play.
The PD calls out cut and the hug between Jiho and Kyung is torn apart. Kyung kicks the ground. It is okay for them to hug and act like a couple for the camera, but if it the small actions meant anything that'd be a completely different story. Kyung bites his tongue, as he does every time the ZiKyung couple is put on display and marketed. He wants to scream and shout and laugh because it is so insanely hilarious that two boys pretending to be a couple is socially acceptable, but god forbid it be real. Every time he is in this situation he wants to rant and let his voice he heard. He wants his feelings to be known.
Kyung bites his knuckle this time.
The next morning Kyung can barely move. Today they have no filming, no shows to go on, or schedules to uphold. It is a day for rest and relaxation. There will be no sugary sweet skinship today. Jiho will probably head out to the recording studio, to see if Rhymer or Skull want to kick it with him.
Jihoon enters the room while Kyung is imaging what Jiho will be doing today. He pops his head under Yukwon's bunk and nudges Kyung with his foot. "Hyung, Jiho and I are going to go to the shopping districts and flirt with noonas. Everyone else left so Jiho hyung told me you'll be home alone for the day." Noting Kyung's disposition, the maknae opts out of making a vulgar joke about what Kyung could be doing while home alone.
Once he hears the door of the room shut and the front door of the dorm shut, Kyung sighs. Is there any point to get out of bed today?
He closes his eyes, in an attempt to sleep away the pain, when the dorm's door opens again. Jihoon probably forgot one of his beanies or his wallet, Kyung thinks. Then the door to the bedroom opens. "Hey," a slightly raspy low voice calls out.
Kyung remains motionless.
"Did Jihoon tell you we're going to flirt with ladies?" Jiho asks as he approaches Kyung's bed. Kyung does not move an inch. Jiho leans down, places both hands on the elder boy's shoulder. He gives Kyung a small shake. "You sleeping?"
The touch fills Kyung with enough energy to flip over on his back. He stares at Jiho with sleepy eyes. "I musta been sleepin'," the rapper lies. He rubs his eyes and fakes a yawn. "Did you say noonas?" Kyung forces his lips to curl into a greasy smile.
Jiho claps his hands together and laughs. "Come on! Let's go!"
Kyung was always good at pretending to be something he's not. This particular talent came in handy when he was flirting with girls around Jiho or any other male friends of his. But today he couldn't get into character. He passed up every opportunity to hit on a girl. It just wasn't worth it anymore, trying to impress a girl just so people wouldn't get suspicious.
He sits against a bench and watches Jihoon act cute with an equally cuter girl. Jiho is out of sight. "Probably making out with a girl," Kyung whispers to himself. He takes a sip of his soda and sighs.
Too many times has Kyung been in this position, hanging out with his pals. Bored. While they are off with girls. Kyung might have a girl with him or he might be lingering off to the side by himself. Left alone to his own mind, thinking of what it would be like if he were the one with Jiho. Imaging if he were the girl Jiho would be feeling up right now. He would be on the receiving end of Jiho's teasing fingers, traveling and feeling all sorts of places on Kyung's body. He'd be the object of Jiho's affection and no one would care at all.
It would be okay, too.
Kyung sips his drink again. "Fuck," he says under his breath.
The day comes to an end. Jiho catches back up with Kyung, who is still sitting on the bench, lost in his own world and fantasies.
Jiho softly kicks Kyung in the shin. The touch is not enough stimulation to get Kyung going, but he tries to push through the pain and look up at Jiho. "Done already?" Kyung solemnly asks. He looks past Jiho and sees a tall beautiful girl texting. She is obviously with Jiho and is most likely texting her girlfriends that she is about to get with a hot young rapper. Kyung also notes there is someone missing. He looks up at Jiho with a confused look, that easily conveys his question.
"Oh who knows where that kid is. I thought it was your turn to look after him!" Jiho playfully grabs Kyung's shoulder and pushes him.
The feeling is enough to get Kyung wound up. He puts the smile he always wears on. He jumps to his feet and pushes Jiho back. "Hey girls love kids, why didn't you take him with you and," Kyung points his chin at the girl, still texting on her cellphone.
"Oh yeah, this is my eighteen year old son. That's right, I got with a chick when I was a year old," Jiho mockingly says.
Kyung shrugs and laughs. "It'd work on me," he responds quickly without thinking.
Jiho raises a brow and smirks. "Oh?" He steps a little closer to Kyung, a little too close. He slings his arm around Kyung and winks. "Well how about I ditch this broad and you come home with me tonight." He wiggles his brows and pulls Kyung in closer.
"You know I've always loved you," Jiho serenades in an off key singing voice. "Let's go home together Kyungie," Jiho pleads in a voice that almost sounds serious.
And for a moment Kyung is lost, is this happening or is this just something his mind has thought up when in reality he is still sitting on the bench like a dateless loser. Either way, it feels so real. It has to be real. Jiho is snuggling and squeezing him so tight. Kyung feels something in him set on fire then blowup.
Then a snap.
He pushes Jiho away forcefully. "What the fuck are you doing!"
Jiho throws his hands up defensively, eyes wide and mouth agape. "Yo, Kyung why are you like this?"
"Don't touch me like that," Kyung spits out loudly.
Jiho gulps and waves his hands around. "I was playin' around. I didn't mean anything by it."
Exactly, Kyung thinks to himself. "Yeah, well, it could be interpreted wrong."
"What are you talking about? They only other person here is Sunhwa and believe me, she knows I'm not gay," Jiho smirks, hinting to the dirty deeds he had already done with the girl named Sunhwa. Which is the last thing Kyung needs to hear at a moment like this. Kyung stares at Jiho with a look that reads, 'not her.' "You don't..." Jiho trails off. "Kyung I'm not, you're not?"
Kyung shoves Jiho chest with so much force the rapper stumbles back and falls on his ass. "Don't misunderstand, Woo Jiho." Kyung takes a couple steps back, Jiho props himself up with his arms, unsure of what he should do. "I hate when you touch me like that. I don't want it anymore, okay? You don't know how it it makes me feel."
Kyung leaves Jiho on the ground and storms past the girl named Sunhwa, who is still preoccupied with her phone to even notice the pushing and shoving that just went down. He goes back to the dorm and without a word hides himself under his blanket and forces himself to sleep.
Kyung had once thrived for the moment Jiho would grab his arm tightly and walk with him, but now it has lost its luster. The spark that would light up in his heart every time he felt Jiho's warmth against his has dimmed. The butterflies have gone away and the prickling goosebumps never surface. The drive to wake up each morning is starting to diminish and the pain begins to consume his body and take over.
Waking up and rising the is becoming more and more difficult. A week passes since the incident between Kyung and Jiho. Kyung has done a good job ignoring Jiho, except the small meaningless talks. Their next free day nears and there's nothing on the schedule for the day, so hopefully, if there is a God, Jiho will already be out of the house.
Kyung pulls himself out of bed and lazily changes out of the hoodie and sweats he slept in. The room is empty, as Kyung would have expected. Jihoon probably stayed over at a girl's house. And the dancers are probably already out and at the studio practicing. Kyung hopes he is home alone, he's in need of a good, long shower. He trudges out of the bedroom and into the hall. The first thing he spots is a single dreadlock on the floor. Poking his head around the corner he sees the single dreadlock turn into two, three, four, then he spots a full head of them. His stomach sinks and he sighs.
Jiho hears the quiet sigh and looks up at Kyung. "Hey," he simply acknowledges Kyung's presence then turns back to whatever program he's watching on the television. "Everyone's gone, in case you are wondering. I told them not to wake you when they left."
"Thanks."
Jiho looks back at Kyung and studies him up and down. Kyung can feel Jiho looking at him and it feels as if he's in the nude and a crowd of strangers are examining every inch of his body. Jiho frowns and looks back to the television, as if he was unable to find what he was looking for. He takes a deep breath and draws it out as he exhales, almost telling Kyung that he has nothing else to say and he can go.
Kyung takes his leave and showers for a ridiculous amount of time, wishing if he scrubbed as hard has he could the unwanted and unrequited feelings for Jiho would wash away like the grime they were. After dressing and fixing his hair, he leans against the bathroom door and prays Jiho left.
The muffled noises of the television seep through the door. Jiho is still home.
Shit.
Kyung slips out of the bathroom and down the hall to get to the bedroom. He creeps through the main room, Jiho continues to watch TV undisturbed. Kyung thinks he is the clear when Jiho's voice spreads throughout the room. "Are we going to talk?"
Kyung freezes and curses every god he can think of. "Sorry for pushing you last week, okay? I just don't want to be touched that way by you anymore."
"Just by me?" Jiho asks calmly.
Kyung gulps and closes his eyes, trying to think of an answer that won't make him sound too obvious. "I don't want to be touched that way by another guy again, got it?"
"Funny, you don't strike me as the homophobic type."
Kyung turns around and yells, "Jiho!"
Jiho flips over on his side and looks at Kyung with knowing eyes. His jaw tightens and he sighs, "You should have just told me."
This time it's Kyung's turn to lock his jaw and sigh. "It's not that easy. It was best I kept everything quiet and just work through all the pain without saying a word."
"Pain?" Jiho's voice is crushed. He sits up and looks at Kyung, his eyes swelling his own pain. "Kyung why would you-"
"It isn't okay. You wouldn't be okay. We wouldn't be okay, nothing would be okay. No one would be okay with it." Kyung stops to gather his thoughts. "I wouldn't be okay."
"But you're fine with this? You're fine with me fooling around with girls while you sit back watching and waiting for the next time I did the same to you? You're fine with that?"
Kyung doesn't respond.
"I'm sorry Kyung. You should have told me earlier," Jiho says in an apologetic voice that tells Kyung it is too late.
The pair falls silent for a while; staring at each other, the floor, or whatever else their eyes can fixate on. Neither knows what to do or say. Kyung is the first to make a move, he turns back around and starts for his room.
As he closes the door Jiho calls out, "Maybe things would have been different."
It is hard to get to sleep that night. Kyung cannot stop tossing and turning. He sighs, annoyed with his own inability to fall asleep and turns over on his back a long sigh draws out of his mouth. He plays with a small piece of fabric leaning of Yukwon's bunk when out of the corner of his eye he sees Jiho's leg and arm hanging over his bed. His body goes into autopilot mode, as if something else was controlling his body. He kicks his legs over the side of his bed and tiptoes over to Jiho. The rapper is sprawled out across his bed, his blanket pushed all the way down to his feet and his shirt has risen up a bit from tossing and turning. A distinct puddle of drool has pooled on Jiho's pillow. Kyung takes a moment and laughs, first time in weeks, at the boy in front of him.
His motherly instincts kick in. Kyung leans down and pulls the shirt all the way down Jiho's flat stomach. His fingers linger on the hem and for a moment Kyung imagines himself pulling the shirt off and just- "No," Kyung whispers to himself. He lets go of the shirt and scoops the rappers feet and arm back on the bed. Next is the blanket, he pulls it all the way back up to Jiho's neck and pats it down.
Jiho stirs under the sheets and opens his eyes hazily, "What," is the only thing the sleepy rapper can make out.
"You're blanket fell off. It's cold, so I fixed it for you," Kyung explains. A knot forms in the back of his throat and his eyes start to sting, but he is not sure why.
Jiho merely nods and turns on his side, away from Kyung. Kyung pivots and takes a step away from Jiho's bed when a hand grabs onto his, making the older boy jump. He looks down at his hand, then at Jiho. Kyung can't it when his eyes bug out and his lips separate into a small O.
"Thanks," Jiho murmurs tiredly, then yawns. Kyung smiles despite the pang hitting his heart. Jiho's hand drops and is retracted back under the heavy blanket. Kyung returns to his own bed and tries to sleep again. Maybe this would be okay.
kk I know I'm a bad writer, sorry. This skewed dramatically from the original plot I had put down. D< Give me feedback on how I can improve, please. Yeah yeah yeah. :)
Pairing: ZiKyung -er one sided
Genre: songfic, of sorts
Rating: R(language and rated R fics are hip hap)
Summary: Kyung loves Zico, but in a heterosexual dominated country where the concept of homosexuality is still taboo, he must keep his feelings secret to himself.
Note: This is the spawn of me listening to too much R.E.M while watching Match Up and having my friend rant about homophobia to me. This was originally supposed to be fluff, huuhuu. Not anymore, sorry.
+The phrase "losing my religion" is an idiom from the south, similar to the saying "to be at your wit's end."
"Losing My Religion is about someone who pines for someone else. It's unrequited love, what have you."
- Michael Stipe
Park Kyung sits, one leg cross over the other, and chin cupped in his hand. He watches as Jiho and Jihoon dick around with plastic swords they purchased from a local one dollar shop. A smile spreads across his face as Jiho makes obtuse attacking noises while he thrusts the toy into Jihoon's side. The maknae makes a show of his 'death' by falling to the ground, screaming, and flailing his arms about.
"I have defeated thee!" Jiho triumphantly yells out. He turns to Kyung, grabs his skinny wrist and pulls him to his feet. "Come! Be my bride, and rule this land as my queen."
"Oh! My hero!" Kyung cheers in a high, girly voice. He dramatically throws his arms around Jiho and holds him tightly. The smile he had dawned moments ago vanishes. Kyung knows what Jiho is doing is all an act, for the cameras filming behind them. This fantasy, this dream of Kyung's where he is a damsel in distress and Jiho comes to slay the evil Jihoonasaurus that guards Kyung's tower and saves him is just that, a dream. Only brought to reality because the variety program the group is filming needed a fluffy acting scene from the group. Jiho's actions mean nothing.
Kyung has his knight in shining armor, for now. He hugs Jiho a little tighter and a little longer.
It's the moments like this Kyung used to live for. The touches, the looks and quiet talks, and on rare occasions where Jiho's lips would grace Kyung's forehead, this kept Kyung going each day. He would wake up each day in pain, but he knew relief would come soon. Ironically, the small bouts of skinship were the root cause of every ache Kyung felt in his body, but they were the only thing that gave solace to the hurt he felt.
The group's managers pushed the duo to show more and more skinship each time they were on shows. Cute sells and it's cute when male idols touch and fool around with each other, their managers had explained to them before they debuted. Jiho was down, to him this was all a joke. He didn't care, he could dote on Kyung as much as needed. Hell, he'd even plant his lips on Kyung's because it would be funny and cute, the fans would eat it up. And it would be okay, because it was just for play.
The PD calls out cut and the hug between Jiho and Kyung is torn apart. Kyung kicks the ground. It is okay for them to hug and act like a couple for the camera, but if it the small actions meant anything that'd be a completely different story. Kyung bites his tongue, as he does every time the ZiKyung couple is put on display and marketed. He wants to scream and shout and laugh because it is so insanely hilarious that two boys pretending to be a couple is socially acceptable, but god forbid it be real. Every time he is in this situation he wants to rant and let his voice he heard. He wants his feelings to be known.
Kyung bites his knuckle this time.
The next morning Kyung can barely move. Today they have no filming, no shows to go on, or schedules to uphold. It is a day for rest and relaxation. There will be no sugary sweet skinship today. Jiho will probably head out to the recording studio, to see if Rhymer or Skull want to kick it with him.
Jihoon enters the room while Kyung is imaging what Jiho will be doing today. He pops his head under Yukwon's bunk and nudges Kyung with his foot. "Hyung, Jiho and I are going to go to the shopping districts and flirt with noonas. Everyone else left so Jiho hyung told me you'll be home alone for the day." Noting Kyung's disposition, the maknae opts out of making a vulgar joke about what Kyung could be doing while home alone.
Once he hears the door of the room shut and the front door of the dorm shut, Kyung sighs. Is there any point to get out of bed today?
He closes his eyes, in an attempt to sleep away the pain, when the dorm's door opens again. Jihoon probably forgot one of his beanies or his wallet, Kyung thinks. Then the door to the bedroom opens. "Hey," a slightly raspy low voice calls out.
Kyung remains motionless.
"Did Jihoon tell you we're going to flirt with ladies?" Jiho asks as he approaches Kyung's bed. Kyung does not move an inch. Jiho leans down, places both hands on the elder boy's shoulder. He gives Kyung a small shake. "You sleeping?"
The touch fills Kyung with enough energy to flip over on his back. He stares at Jiho with sleepy eyes. "I musta been sleepin'," the rapper lies. He rubs his eyes and fakes a yawn. "Did you say noonas?" Kyung forces his lips to curl into a greasy smile.
Jiho claps his hands together and laughs. "Come on! Let's go!"
Kyung was always good at pretending to be something he's not. This particular talent came in handy when he was flirting with girls around Jiho or any other male friends of his. But today he couldn't get into character. He passed up every opportunity to hit on a girl. It just wasn't worth it anymore, trying to impress a girl just so people wouldn't get suspicious.
He sits against a bench and watches Jihoon act cute with an equally cuter girl. Jiho is out of sight. "Probably making out with a girl," Kyung whispers to himself. He takes a sip of his soda and sighs.
Too many times has Kyung been in this position, hanging out with his pals. Bored. While they are off with girls. Kyung might have a girl with him or he might be lingering off to the side by himself. Left alone to his own mind, thinking of what it would be like if he were the one with Jiho. Imaging if he were the girl Jiho would be feeling up right now. He would be on the receiving end of Jiho's teasing fingers, traveling and feeling all sorts of places on Kyung's body. He'd be the object of Jiho's affection and no one would care at all.
It would be okay, too.
Kyung sips his drink again. "Fuck," he says under his breath.
The day comes to an end. Jiho catches back up with Kyung, who is still sitting on the bench, lost in his own world and fantasies.
Jiho softly kicks Kyung in the shin. The touch is not enough stimulation to get Kyung going, but he tries to push through the pain and look up at Jiho. "Done already?" Kyung solemnly asks. He looks past Jiho and sees a tall beautiful girl texting. She is obviously with Jiho and is most likely texting her girlfriends that she is about to get with a hot young rapper. Kyung also notes there is someone missing. He looks up at Jiho with a confused look, that easily conveys his question.
"Oh who knows where that kid is. I thought it was your turn to look after him!" Jiho playfully grabs Kyung's shoulder and pushes him.
The feeling is enough to get Kyung wound up. He puts the smile he always wears on. He jumps to his feet and pushes Jiho back. "Hey girls love kids, why didn't you take him with you and," Kyung points his chin at the girl, still texting on her cellphone.
"Oh yeah, this is my eighteen year old son. That's right, I got with a chick when I was a year old," Jiho mockingly says.
Kyung shrugs and laughs. "It'd work on me," he responds quickly without thinking.
Jiho raises a brow and smirks. "Oh?" He steps a little closer to Kyung, a little too close. He slings his arm around Kyung and winks. "Well how about I ditch this broad and you come home with me tonight." He wiggles his brows and pulls Kyung in closer.
"You know I've always loved you," Jiho serenades in an off key singing voice. "Let's go home together Kyungie," Jiho pleads in a voice that almost sounds serious.
And for a moment Kyung is lost, is this happening or is this just something his mind has thought up when in reality he is still sitting on the bench like a dateless loser. Either way, it feels so real. It has to be real. Jiho is snuggling and squeezing him so tight. Kyung feels something in him set on fire then blowup.
Then a snap.
He pushes Jiho away forcefully. "What the fuck are you doing!"
Jiho throws his hands up defensively, eyes wide and mouth agape. "Yo, Kyung why are you like this?"
"Don't touch me like that," Kyung spits out loudly.
Jiho gulps and waves his hands around. "I was playin' around. I didn't mean anything by it."
Exactly, Kyung thinks to himself. "Yeah, well, it could be interpreted wrong."
"What are you talking about? They only other person here is Sunhwa and believe me, she knows I'm not gay," Jiho smirks, hinting to the dirty deeds he had already done with the girl named Sunhwa. Which is the last thing Kyung needs to hear at a moment like this. Kyung stares at Jiho with a look that reads, 'not her.' "You don't..." Jiho trails off. "Kyung I'm not, you're not?"
Kyung shoves Jiho chest with so much force the rapper stumbles back and falls on his ass. "Don't misunderstand, Woo Jiho." Kyung takes a couple steps back, Jiho props himself up with his arms, unsure of what he should do. "I hate when you touch me like that. I don't want it anymore, okay? You don't know how it it makes me feel."
Kyung leaves Jiho on the ground and storms past the girl named Sunhwa, who is still preoccupied with her phone to even notice the pushing and shoving that just went down. He goes back to the dorm and without a word hides himself under his blanket and forces himself to sleep.
Kyung had once thrived for the moment Jiho would grab his arm tightly and walk with him, but now it has lost its luster. The spark that would light up in his heart every time he felt Jiho's warmth against his has dimmed. The butterflies have gone away and the prickling goosebumps never surface. The drive to wake up each morning is starting to diminish and the pain begins to consume his body and take over.
Waking up and rising the is becoming more and more difficult. A week passes since the incident between Kyung and Jiho. Kyung has done a good job ignoring Jiho, except the small meaningless talks. Their next free day nears and there's nothing on the schedule for the day, so hopefully, if there is a God, Jiho will already be out of the house.
Kyung pulls himself out of bed and lazily changes out of the hoodie and sweats he slept in. The room is empty, as Kyung would have expected. Jihoon probably stayed over at a girl's house. And the dancers are probably already out and at the studio practicing. Kyung hopes he is home alone, he's in need of a good, long shower. He trudges out of the bedroom and into the hall. The first thing he spots is a single dreadlock on the floor. Poking his head around the corner he sees the single dreadlock turn into two, three, four, then he spots a full head of them. His stomach sinks and he sighs.
Jiho hears the quiet sigh and looks up at Kyung. "Hey," he simply acknowledges Kyung's presence then turns back to whatever program he's watching on the television. "Everyone's gone, in case you are wondering. I told them not to wake you when they left."
"Thanks."
Jiho looks back at Kyung and studies him up and down. Kyung can feel Jiho looking at him and it feels as if he's in the nude and a crowd of strangers are examining every inch of his body. Jiho frowns and looks back to the television, as if he was unable to find what he was looking for. He takes a deep breath and draws it out as he exhales, almost telling Kyung that he has nothing else to say and he can go.
Kyung takes his leave and showers for a ridiculous amount of time, wishing if he scrubbed as hard has he could the unwanted and unrequited feelings for Jiho would wash away like the grime they were. After dressing and fixing his hair, he leans against the bathroom door and prays Jiho left.
The muffled noises of the television seep through the door. Jiho is still home.
Shit.
Kyung slips out of the bathroom and down the hall to get to the bedroom. He creeps through the main room, Jiho continues to watch TV undisturbed. Kyung thinks he is the clear when Jiho's voice spreads throughout the room. "Are we going to talk?"
Kyung freezes and curses every god he can think of. "Sorry for pushing you last week, okay? I just don't want to be touched that way by you anymore."
"Just by me?" Jiho asks calmly.
Kyung gulps and closes his eyes, trying to think of an answer that won't make him sound too obvious. "I don't want to be touched that way by another guy again, got it?"
"Funny, you don't strike me as the homophobic type."
Kyung turns around and yells, "Jiho!"
Jiho flips over on his side and looks at Kyung with knowing eyes. His jaw tightens and he sighs, "You should have just told me."
This time it's Kyung's turn to lock his jaw and sigh. "It's not that easy. It was best I kept everything quiet and just work through all the pain without saying a word."
"Pain?" Jiho's voice is crushed. He sits up and looks at Kyung, his eyes swelling his own pain. "Kyung why would you-"
"It isn't okay. You wouldn't be okay. We wouldn't be okay, nothing would be okay. No one would be okay with it." Kyung stops to gather his thoughts. "I wouldn't be okay."
"But you're fine with this? You're fine with me fooling around with girls while you sit back watching and waiting for the next time I did the same to you? You're fine with that?"
Kyung doesn't respond.
"I'm sorry Kyung. You should have told me earlier," Jiho says in an apologetic voice that tells Kyung it is too late.
The pair falls silent for a while; staring at each other, the floor, or whatever else their eyes can fixate on. Neither knows what to do or say. Kyung is the first to make a move, he turns back around and starts for his room.
As he closes the door Jiho calls out, "Maybe things would have been different."
It is hard to get to sleep that night. Kyung cannot stop tossing and turning. He sighs, annoyed with his own inability to fall asleep and turns over on his back a long sigh draws out of his mouth. He plays with a small piece of fabric leaning of Yukwon's bunk when out of the corner of his eye he sees Jiho's leg and arm hanging over his bed. His body goes into autopilot mode, as if something else was controlling his body. He kicks his legs over the side of his bed and tiptoes over to Jiho. The rapper is sprawled out across his bed, his blanket pushed all the way down to his feet and his shirt has risen up a bit from tossing and turning. A distinct puddle of drool has pooled on Jiho's pillow. Kyung takes a moment and laughs, first time in weeks, at the boy in front of him.
His motherly instincts kick in. Kyung leans down and pulls the shirt all the way down Jiho's flat stomach. His fingers linger on the hem and for a moment Kyung imagines himself pulling the shirt off and just- "No," Kyung whispers to himself. He lets go of the shirt and scoops the rappers feet and arm back on the bed. Next is the blanket, he pulls it all the way back up to Jiho's neck and pats it down.
Jiho stirs under the sheets and opens his eyes hazily, "What," is the only thing the sleepy rapper can make out.
"You're blanket fell off. It's cold, so I fixed it for you," Kyung explains. A knot forms in the back of his throat and his eyes start to sting, but he is not sure why.
Jiho merely nods and turns on his side, away from Kyung. Kyung pivots and takes a step away from Jiho's bed when a hand grabs onto his, making the older boy jump. He looks down at his hand, then at Jiho. Kyung can't it when his eyes bug out and his lips separate into a small O.
"Thanks," Jiho murmurs tiredly, then yawns. Kyung smiles despite the pang hitting his heart. Jiho's hand drops and is retracted back under the heavy blanket. Kyung returns to his own bed and tries to sleep again. Maybe this would be okay.
kk I know I'm a bad writer, sorry. This skewed dramatically from the original plot I had put down. D< Give me feedback on how I can improve, please. Yeah yeah yeah. :)