This morning some ongoing "relationship issues" came up, and I was feeling unhappy, unsure of myself, and in need of communication and closeness. In response to all this, Greg fixed my dryer
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Agreed 100%. And it is up to the women to see this and change the way they talk to men so they better understand it. 9I will probably get slammed for this comment, but it's true. If the woman is going to get upset by the man not understanding, then it's up to the woman to alter her speech patterns so the man does understand.)
I know I will sometimes say something like "The dishes need to be done." G takes it at face value, "Yup, they do." Usually just agreeing with me and not seeing the implicit "I would like you to do the dishes." Then I get upset when they don't get done. But if I say "Would you please do the dishes." He understands and they get done. So I have learned to alter my ways of asking. A woman would automatically know if I said "The dishes need to be done." That I was expecting her to do them, guys do not pick up on subtlties like that.
Sometimes it's not just a matter of not picking up on subtlties. My ex-wife would rarely ask me directly to do something, but would often say things like "the dishes need to be done", or "I wish I had a greenhouse". I responded by trying to do anything that she hinted at and found myself very busy. When I would tell her how I felt overwhelmed with everything she wanted me to do, she said "I didn't ask you to do those things."
When I told my therapist about this, she suggested that I ignore implied requests and only do things if asked directly.
Communication issues need to be addressed from both sides.
BTW, there are men who communicate in the "female" style and women who communicate in the "male" style.
I agree with this more than your previous comment. It's not that women need to change the way they communicate, it's that both members of the partnership need to tune in to their other half.
Relationships are work. If only one party is responsible for that work, there's a problem. Note I'm not saying everything has to be equal, just that both parties must put in an effort.
Wow!! Greg = Kevin!midniterose63August 14 2006, 13:20:51 UTC
LOL! God ... you pinged it EXACTLY! I am so adding this post to memories!
Kevin is patient enough to talk to me about the dreaded "Feeeee-lings ... wooo-oh, oh ... Feelings!" ... but only when he absolutely, positively HAS to. Any other time, he would MUCH rather fix an appliance (or install a pet door, or kill wasps, etc. Pretty much ANYTHING else!)
And the really funny thing? When we DO talk about feelings ... he's really good at it!
This was a wonderful post, pooh - and it really is cool of you to recognize (and put so succinctly for the rest of us) the different communication styles!
NEVER forget the woman who listens to her S/O grouse about his day at work, says 'yes, dear', and then fixes his favorite meal rather than trying to talk about things with him.
While I agree that men and women communicate differently, I think there's an added complication in there being two separate people involved. I'm a woman, and so is my girlfriend, but the other day, I found myself saying, "I'd like you to do x." She read this as "hinting" and "not being direct," while I read this as "asking outright for what I wanted." In short, she only understands requests in the form of a question, or else in the form of "Please do x." Imagine the mutual frustration that ensued.
Relationships between me and me are definitely way easier. Also, less rewarding. So I guess some frustration is worth it.
...I think there's an added complication in there being two separate people involved.
Indeed :).
I hear "I'd like you to do x" the same as "please do x," but the "x should happen" (um. you mean magically?) construct bothers me if it's meant to be a request.
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if women expect men to make an effort to speak their language, women need to listen carefully to the messages of power tools.
Very nicely put. And good for you for recognizing that he was trying to make you feel better.
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Agreed 100%. And it is up to the women to see this and change the way they talk to men so they better understand it. 9I will probably get slammed for this comment, but it's true. If the woman is going to get upset by the man not understanding, then it's up to the woman to alter her speech patterns so the man does understand.)
I know I will sometimes say something like "The dishes need to be done." G takes it at face value, "Yup, they do." Usually just agreeing with me and not seeing the implicit "I would like you to do the dishes." Then I get upset when they don't get done. But if I say "Would you please do the dishes." He understands and they get done. So I have learned to alter my ways of asking. A woman would automatically know if I said "The dishes need to be done." That I was expecting her to do them, guys do not pick up on subtlties like that.
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When I told my therapist about this, she suggested that I ignore implied requests and only do things if asked directly.
Communication issues need to be addressed from both sides.
BTW, there are men who communicate in the "female" style and women who communicate in the "male" style.
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Relationships are work. If only one party is responsible for that work, there's a problem. Note I'm not saying everything has to be equal, just that both parties must put in an effort.
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Kevin is patient enough to talk to me about the dreaded "Feeeee-lings ... wooo-oh, oh ... Feelings!" ... but only when he absolutely, positively HAS to. Any other time, he would MUCH rather fix an appliance (or install a pet door, or kill wasps, etc. Pretty much ANYTHING else!)
And the really funny thing? When we DO talk about feelings ... he's really good at it!
This was a wonderful post, pooh - and it really is cool of you to recognize (and put so succinctly for the rest of us) the different communication styles!
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:)
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Relationships between me and me are definitely way easier. Also, less rewarding. So I guess some frustration is worth it.
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Indeed :).
I hear "I'd like you to do x" the same as "please do x," but the "x should happen" (um. you mean magically?) construct bothers me if it's meant to be a request.
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